World Through My Eyes
by Moonchild10
Summary: With a tragedy, Beast Boy is thrust into a deep depression which brings out an entirely new side of him. Now his fellow Titans must find a way to heal their friend before he tries the unthinkable once more. But is their friendship enough? BBxRae
1. The End

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**This fic is strange. It will have some OOCness because that's basically what it's about. BB falls into depression after Terra's death, and some things come out in him that no one sees. The first chapter is more his reflections on things than anything but it is important to the rest of the story.**

**Rated for suicide, strong language, sexual content and references, blood, violence, and possible questionable themes. Wow, I'm just horrible, aren't I?I have rated it just to be safe.**

**Go right ahead and review, I thrive on reviews. But if you flame you are going to be ignored so if you really don't like the story, just don't devote your time to insulting it. Find a better use of the time you would waste.**

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It hurt. It hurt so much, and no one knew. It was something no one ever saw. But it was never anyone else's fault. It was his own. If he would let them see, they could help him. But he didn't want help. He wanted release.

He had never been this way before she died. This deep, black hole of depression before. He had been generally happy and optimistic. But now, everything had changed. He was left in a constant pit of despair since her death. Why the hell did things have to end this way? Why? Was is just some general rule to abide by? Did happy endings just not exist?

BB sat there in the center of the floor and stared at nothing. There was nothing to see but the same four walls and the same ceiling and floor, the same old surroundings day after day. Nothing ever changed. Nothing was bearable. Nothing was acceptable. Nothing else mattered. He couldn't take it. He just couldn't take it.

He had been so happy when Raven had finally been able to restore her to her original, less rocky state. It had been possibly the best seven days of his life, it had been just like it had been before her betrayal. Things had been worked out. Conflicts dealing with the treachery Terra had committed against them had been smoothed over, differences had been set aside, and finally there was peace. They all accepted the fact that Terra had made a mistake. And life had gotten to an almost unrealistic high.

Those times never last.

Beast Boy stood up and walked across the room to the door, exiting and making his way to the bathroom, where he stood in front of the sink and splashed some cold water on his face. As he toweled it off, he glanced into the mirror. For the first time in a long time, he hated what he saw. The fact that people saw him as just another freak had been dulled by his friends, by Terra. By the acceptance he found here.

But the feeling of belonging was gone now. He felt so dead and began to realize that he'd always been dead. Dead on the inside where no one could see. Where even he couldn't see. He had never known before, when he had been so happy. He had been so unconscious to what lie there inside him. Everyone has depression, despair, hopelessness lying inside. The trick is to not let it take over. To be stronger than your internal monsters.

BB hadn't been. He had been so shattered by Terra's death that he had allowed the monsters to take over. And now that's what he was. A monster. A cold, broken monster.

Maybe be was being ridiculous. Maybe he was just rambling on internally about melodramatic things that would leave him alone once their effect had ebbed and he was free from this feeling. He knew he was going to be, or so said the rational, still Beast Boy side of him. But the other new side, this monster, told him it just wasn't worth it. And maybe it wasn't worth it. He was starting to listen to the monster, he was so deep in this feeling of worthlessness. He was a whore to the despair. He gave away so much for his moments of clarity in the depression. For moments when he could see that everything was going to be alright someday.

He had done so many things in desperate attempt to numb the pain. Thousands of tears, dozens of cuts on the skin, bleeding so sinfully yet it felt so right. And when the blood stopped flowing, he was still no better for it. And yet somehow his mind convinced him every time that maybe if he tried it one more time he would feel that release. But he knew no release. That was not release. It was only pain and suffering that he could feel physically, but it barely dulled the pain inside.

But he knew another way.

He knew he should try to go on. He knew his should try to fight. He was a Teen Titan. That was what they did. They fought on even when it looked like there was no way to win. But the Teen Titan side of BB had dissipated almost entirely when he had seen her body broken.

Of course there were people who hated Terra for causing so many disasters when she was out of control. Everyone has there enemies. But BB had never thought that he would see so much hatred and cruelty against something so innocent. So penitent. He could still recall the one who killed her. He had wanted to believe it was a stranger who never knew Terra.

But it was her own sister.

Never before had he imagined that so much anger could be channeled from one sister to another. He had thought that the whole deal with Star and Blackfire was bad. But that was nothing compared to Terra's situation. And he hated Terra's sister for it.

And so Terra's sister had set out for retribution for what Terra had done, whatever it was. BB never got it out of her. He remembered Terra, her blood staining the ground, turning the white snow a deep crimson all around her. Like a dove with a broken wing, she had seemed so fragile.

Much of her skin was missing, for in her anger her sister had attacked it, ripping bits from Terra in fury. BB had arrived to late back at the tower from the arcade. That's where the Titans had been. Terra had left early. BB had sensed that something was wrong, and when he realized it, he had left early too.

But not early enough.

Terra had bled to death. Slow and painful for her as she died, and for him as he watched. Blood had covered everything. It was almost amazing that someone could lose that much blood and still be in only several pieces. BB had arrived only in her final moments, to hold her hand while she died, to mourn over the loss before it had truly happened. And when she had stopped breathing, a great hole had been torn in his chest, metaphorically, and he had never been the same. This was why he wanted out. The pain destroyed him and when he was able to sleep, the graphic images haunted him.

His friends couldn't understand. They hadn't known her the way he did. They had been trying to console him for weeks now, but it did little coming from people who didn't know. Raven probably understood, but not the way he wanted her to. Not the way he wanted anyone to. And now he was beyond help. He should have sought it before he reached this point. And now he was finally getting out. He had been planning this for days, saying his goodbyes to his dearest friends in the world. The ones who had made him a Teen Titan and filled his life with the joy it had held until the day she had died. And he could never thank them enough for all they had given him. But this was something he had to do. He knew they would hurt like he did now, he knew it was selfish.

But the rational, normal side of him wasn't in control. The monster was.

BB reached slowly into his pocket and took out the razor blade he had kept there for so long. To slash, to cut, to bleed whoever necessary. He had needed it often. But he needed it now more than ever.

BB stared again into the mirror. He felt sick, he felt alone, he felt deranged. And he felt so sorry for what he was about to do. What he had gathered the mental state to do. He whispered his apologies as he lifted one arm to expose the wrist and committed the evil deed. Then he repeated it with the other wrist. The blood began to mix with the tears that dripped into the sink.

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**This was originally supposed to be a one-shot, but I changed my mind when I got more ideas. Reviews are much appreciated. See you in the next chapter!**

_-Moonchild10_


	2. My Tourniquet

**Disclaimer: Bah!  
**

**I'm sorry chapter one was so damn dramatic. I was depressed. The rest of the story isn't going to be that bad and melodramatic, I swear. It'll probably have some humor eventually. But for now, a bit more drama until we can get past this point, so bear with me here. Thanks for the reviews! I didn't really expect any. You guys rock! (grins and dances)**

**I must warn you, BB isn't exactly sweet and fuzzy in this chapter. But he'll get back in-character soon enough. I promise I won't make him be like this for the whole fic! **

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Raven walked quickly down the hallway and stopped in front of the bathroom door when she noticed that it was closed. She sighed and leaned against the wall to wait. Why were her teammates so inconsiderate? Well, why was Beast Boy so inconsiderate, because the others were in the living room. The door had been closed when she'd walked by last time. She stood there for a few minutes, staring off into space, and then finally walked back to the door and pounded on it.

"Beast Boy, you've been in there long enough!" she called. There was no response, and Raven started to get annoyed. "Beast Boy!" she said loudly, pounding again. Still no answer. She repeated this several times, and finally started to become suspicious. "Beast Boy!" she tried one last time, before using her powers to open the door, really hoping she wasn't going to see anything disturbing (this was the bathroom, after all). Since there was no shriek of embarrassment, Raven figured it was safe and entered the room. She walked forward, looking around. She felt her boot squish in something wet, and looked down to see a small puddle of crimson liquid, which was coming from Beast Boy. He was curled up into a ball in front of the sink, his eyes open slightly. Raven gasped. "Beast Boy?" she asked quietly, hit by a wave of shock. His eyes turned up at her slightly but he made no movements. At least he was obviously alive, though he didn't say anything to her. She didn't try to make him talk. She didn't _want_ to make him talk. She didn't want to hear what he might say.

Raven knelt down beside him, trying to figure where he was bleeding from. She grabbed one of his arms and as she noticed the gash on his wrist, she started to grudgingly get an idea of what might have happened. She placed a hand on the wound to heal it. She concentrated, and she could feel warmth spread slowly from her own fingers and onto his wrist. A few minutes later, the cut had healed and she repeated the process on the other wrist. When this was complete, she said nothing to him. She stood up silently and walked briskly out the bathroom door, leaving him there on the floor.

Beast Boy lay there for a moment, a bit dazed, reflecting on things. For some reason, he was surprised to be alive, as though it were unfamiliar to him. He had been unsuccessful in his bitter attempt, this he knew. Raven had saved him, and he had been so close to getting out. He felt a bit unhappy with the fact that he hadn't even been able to kill himself right. He lifted his arm and stared at his wrist. It wasn't even visible that it had been gaping a moment ago, except for the fact that it was stained with the blood that had collected around where the wound was previously.

A sudden noise stirred him and he jumped, skidding even farther into the small puddle of his own blood. The sticky, foul substance soaked through to his skin. It was a most unpleasant feeling, warm and almost overpowering. The noise he had heard was footsteps, and he could see the rest of the Titans outside the bathroom door, entering quickly. Beast Boy sat up. Robin stepped forward immediately.

"What the hell were you thinking!?" he asked, his voice full of fear, confusion, and anger. That was what the rest of them appeared to be thinking also. Cyborg looked harsh and a bit frightened, Raven looked stern, and Starfire was crying silently. "Just what the hell were you thinking!? You could have _died_!"

Beast Boy couldn't say anything for a moment. "What are you talking about?" he asked finally.

"You know damn well what I'm talking about!" Robin snapped. "Raven told us! Why would you do that to yourself!? WHY!?" he sounded extremely demanding but there was a note of panic in his voice.

Beast Boy stood up. "That's none of your business," he retorted, trying to walk past Robin out of the room, but Cyborg grabbed him, restraining him from any escape.

"It is his business. It's all of our business. We're your friends," Cyborg said. Beast Boy leaped away from him and backed up against the side of the tub.

"Don't touch me!" he said. "None of you touch me!" his voice was sharp and harsh. Not at all like normal. It startled all of them, including Beast Boy himself.

"What is your problem!?" Robin shouted, sounding angrier than any of them had ever heard him. Beast Boy was shaking uncontrollably.

"Get back, all of you! I was perfectly happy! I was almost out! And you fucked it up!" he snarled, pointing a finger at Raven. "Well you know what!? I'll do it again! I'll do it right now! I'll keep trying until I get it right!" he said. He was talking crazy now, not really thinking about anything he said. This was so wrong. She had saved his life, hadn't she? Why was he reacting this way? Why couldn't he seem to control the words coming out of his mouth? "And I'm not going to let any of you stop me!" he grabbed the razor blade from where he had left it on the counter, not really even intending to do anything with it but it felt good to have the option. But the others didn't know that.

"Azerath, Metrion, Zinthos!" chanted Raven, and Beast Boy was knocked backwards, the blade flying out of his hand. Before he could stand up, he was hit with one of Starfire's starbolts and lost consciousness.

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**Damn, this chapter took forever. I had to keep revising it and rereading it and hating it before I finally came up with something that I liked. But, at least I accomplished it! Oh happy day! (does the 'I did it!' dance). **


	3. Answers

**Disclaimer: RAR!**

**Wow, chapter three. I'm getting a lot done! I'm so glad I decided not to keep this a one-shot. This is getting fun. Thank you so much for the reviews! I am so surprised (and pleased) that I haven't gotten any real flames so far. Woo!**

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He could hear slightly muffled voices breaking through the silence that pressed down on him, and he shook off the feeling of distance and reentered the real world. The voices were speaking nearby.

"…he's a danger to himself. What are we supposed to do about this?" Cyborg's voice came, abrupt and perplexed.

"I don't know. We can't be sure if he's going to try that again or if he's come back to his senses," Robin said. He didn't sound like himself. None of them did. They sounded strained and tired.

"And we can't be sure _when_ he might try it," Raven said. "It's not safe to let him run around."

"Yes. He is not safe. Not safe from himself," Starfire sounded weak and gloomy. "What has happened to our friend?"

"I don't know Starfire," Robin said. They all spoke with a tone of helplessness. They were for once completely out of control of the situation.

Beast Boy opened his eyes and looked around. He became aware that he was strapped down to a table. There was a pillow beneath his head, but still, he was strapped down. (he's on the table that Robin was on in 'Haunted', and Cyborg was on in 'Crash'. My sister and I have affectionately dubbed it 'The Crazy Table'. I love that table). He started to struggle.

"Don't bother," said a voice from nearby. Beast Boy looked up and saw Raven staring at him, her lips pressed together sternly. She was standing with the others a few feet away. They all looked weary. "You're not getting out of there like that." The expression on her face was unreadable, something like concern mixed with irritation.

"You guys, what's with this?" Beast Boy asked, ignoring what she had said and struggling some more. He knew it was futile trying to escape, but it felt wrong just to lay there and let himself be restrained.

"You're strapped down so you won't try that again," Raven said simply, watching him carefully, the deep violent eyes boring into him. He felt judged. Normally, Raven was irritated by him, but she never really looked at him like that. Never like she was completely and totally disgusted with every inch of his being..

"We're not going to take any chances with you hurting yourself again," Robin said.

"Let me go!" Beast Boy said, thrashing around.

"You're not getting off of that thing until we're sure that you're not a danger to yourself anymore," Robin said with a tone of finality in his voice.

"Yeah. We have to be sure you won't try that again," Cyborg said.

"I told you before, it's none of your business!" Beast Boy said.

"Yes it is," snapped Raven, sounding harsh and demanding. "We're your friends and we have a right to know. Now I suggest you tell us why the hell you decided to go berserk and slice yourself open if you ever want to get off of that table."

"I do believe Raven is correct. We cannot be sure you are truly well if we do not know what made you unwell in the first place," Starfire said quietly.

"You guys wouldn't understand!" BB said.

"Try us," Robin said, crossing his arms.

"You wouldn't!" insisted BB. Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder and realized that it was Raven's. This surprised him. This wasn't like Raven, to be so consoling when he had done things to make her angry. And a moment ago she had been looking at him in disgust. The whole event must have taken its toll significantly.

"Beast Boy, if anyone's going to understand, it's going to be us," she said, sounding a bit more patient than before. "You can trust us." she removed the hand and crossed her arms.

Beast Boy's eyes softened, and he could feel his resolve starting to crumble under the stares of his friends. He finally surrendered, his hostile demeanor dropping.

"Alright," he said, sounding somewhat defeated, looking down. "I…..I miss Terra." he paused. "and I guess…I thought if I died, I wouldn't have to hurt anymore."

The other four seemed to stiffen all at once, alarmed at his words.

"But that's still not a reason to do something like this," Robin said quietly, no longer sounding angry. He really didn't sound like the normal Boy Wonder. He sounded exhausted. Beast Boy shrugged lightly, his stomach flooding over with guilt.

"You guys I'm…..I'm sorry," he said softly, sounding ashamed.

"I'd say it's OK, but it's not. But apology accepted," Cyborg said. He still didn't look happy, but the severe look had gone from his face. The other three nodded in agreement to what he had said.

"I cannot remain angry with my friend," Star said.

"And neither can I. But that doesn't make it right," Robin muttered.

"Are you going to let me go?" Beast Boy asked.

The other four looked at each other.

"I still don't know if that's a good idea," Cyborg said.

"Come on, you can't leave me strapped to this thing forever!"

"I wish we could," Robin said.

"What?" BB asked.

"We do not wish for you to hurt yourself again, Beast Boy," Star said. He just stared back at them. There was something in his eyes that wasn't normally there. A sadness that couldn't be concealed. BB didn't have any idea what to say.

"You guys, I…..I'm sorry," he said helplessly.

"I suppose we have to let him go eventually," Raven said. There was a pause.

"Alright. But we're not leaving you alone tonight," Robin directed at BB. Cyborg and Raven started undoing BB's straps. When they were undone, he carefully stepped onto the floor and stood there for a moment, twisting his gloved fingers together. Cyborg glanced at the clock.

"OK, it's later than I thought," he said, indicating the fact that it was nearly one AM. He yawned loudly. "I didn't notice."

"I don't think any of us did," Robin said. "Maybe we should go to the living room or something. This place is starting to feel like a dungeon."

**XXX**

The five Titans sat down on the sofa in assorted places and sprawled out. It had been an extremely demanding night, and they were all drained.

"Well, I don't know if I'll be able to sleep. This whole thing's been pretty disturbing," Cyborg said, looking over at BB. They all still seemed worried about him, despite the fact that he was no longer spazzing.

"I know I won't," Robin muttered. Silently, they all agreed. Having your best friend attempt to kill himself wasn't something you could just forget about.

"I'm not even going to try. I'm not giving you the chance to try that again, Beast Boy," Raven said, her expression a slight glare. She was still angry at him. He couldn't blame her. There was something other than anger in her eyes, though; a kind of concealed hurt that showed through.

"I'm sorry Raven," BB said quietly, lowering his eyes to his hands, which sat, twisting, in his lap.

"Sorry doesn't justify the fact that you tried to do it," she said, attempting to make eye contact but he resisted. "Seeing you sliced open like a turkey and squirting your own fluids across the bathroom floor isn't an image that I'm likely to forget."

He felt more guilty even than before at that point. He muttered another apology and kept his eyes cast downward.

"But you," Cyborg aimed at BB "You go to sleep."

"He's right. Try to forget about it for a while," Robin said.

"Yes. Perhaps sleep will help you feel a bit better?" Star asked, her voice still lacking its usual cheer. Raven said nothing, but only pulled her legs up and sat cross-legged on the couch while the others were slumped in exhaustion.

BB really doubted that sleep was possible, given the fact that he was still wracked with depression and guilt, but he reluctantly squeezed his eyes shut anyway, full of doubt.

He know how, but somehow, he eventually drifted off despite the feelings that loomed over him.

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**Well, this story seems to be improving. It doesn't seem quite so melodramatic anymore. Woo! I'll get chapter four up as soon as I can. **


	4. Understanding

**Disclaimer: If I owned TT, would I be putting a disclaimer? **

**Yay, chapter four! I need Doritos! **

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Beast Boy was aware of the distinct feeling of someone near him.

"Azerath, Metrion, Zinthos."

His eyes snapped open and he sat up quickly. Raven was sitting on the sofa beside him, cross-legged, her eyes closed. She was chanting softly. At his movement she stopped and looked at him.

"Made it through the night, huh?" she asked, closing her eyes again. There were dark circles under her eyes and it was obvious that she had not slept last night. BB didn't answer her sarcastic question.

"Have you been sitting there all night?" he asked instead. His own voice sounded soft and sad even to himself. Raven nodded swiftly without opening her eyes. She had been sitting there, meditating quietly all night? "Why?"

"To make sure you wouldn't try that again, that's why," she said plainly, beginning to chant once more. So she had sat over him the entire night like a dark, silent guardian angel. She stopped her chanting. "And you'd better not."

BB watched her in silence for a moment. He had burdened her greatly, though sitting her all night had been her own choice. She had truly felt concern for her teammate. Despite this, he felt no better. These negative feelings reminded him of what had happened, and a wave of unpleasant emotions flooded through his stomach. The sad, sick feeling he had been fighting until he fell asleep had returned with consciousness. He hated it. The temporary release of sleep hadn't been good enough. The despair was still there. He couldn't exactly talk himself into believing that he was glad he was still alive. He was no good at lying to himself. His heart felt sick once more.

"Um, Raven?" he asked after a while.

"Yes?" she asked without opening her eyes.

"Do you know what it's like? To just feel like you don't want to be alive anymore?" he asked cautiously.

"Yes," she answered bluntly, eyes still closed. "You don't know what it's like, to have all these emotions that want to get out, and know you can never indulge, or terrible things will happen. It gets pretty unpleasant."

"So, that's all emotions that would do that?" BB asked curiously. Listening to her was taking his mind off of the misery, at least briefly.

"Yes, but I'm not sure to what extent all of them would go. Rage, I know for sure, would probably destroy everyone I cared for. I'd rather not find out about all of them. Fear has some pretty unpleasant consequences, as you've seen before."

"I've seen you angry before," BB said, shrugging.

"That's not the same thing. I wasn't angry to the point where….." BB thought he saw a shiver go through her. Something desperate seemed to linger for a moment after she said this.

"Where is everybody?" he asked, changing the subject. Raven gave a light shrug.

"My guess would be the kitchen," she muttered, opening her eyes again. BB nodded and pulled his knees up to his chest, embracing them. He stared ahead at nothing in particular. Raven glanced over at him. There was a very mournful look on his face, and in his eyes, there was something that wasn't ordinarily there. A look of complete and utter despair and misery. He looked as though he might burst into tears at any moment.

"Are you….alright?" she asked cautiously. Beast Boy nodded, but it very obvious that he was only attempting to prevent her from worrying. "You're sure?" Raven asked, implying the fact that she knew he was lying. He shook his head in reply.

"Beast Boy," said Starfire from somewhere nearby. He looked up and saw her standing slightly behind Robin in the doorway. "You are feeling….better this morning?"

"Yeah, we were all worried. Are you OK?" Robin asked. Beast Boy just stared for a moment and shook his head very slightly.

"Where's Cyborg?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Kitchen," Robin answered, clearly reluctant to give up the subject of his friend's well-being, but seeing BB's aversion for the topic, he moved on. "Making breakfast." he and Star walked over and sat down on the sofa.

"He is making tofu eggs," Star said persuasively.

"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!" Cyborg said, sticking his head into the room. "Hope you're feeling up to eating this morning BB!"

"Actually I…I'm not really hungry," Beast Boy said sheepishly. "Sorry Cyborg."

"Oh come on man, I made all this tofu!" Cyborg said in exasperation.

"Don't push him," Raven said warningly. Cyborg nodded.

"But what am I supposed to do with all this tofu?" he asked, throwing up his hands as he headed back toward the kitchen. "I'm gonna make some waffles!" he said in defeat.

"Uh….I'll help you Cyborg," Robin said, standing up quickly.

"I wish to assist you also," Star said, following Robin and Cyborg out of the room. Beast Boy felt a surge of guilt when he realized that he was glad they were gone. It felt better for some reason to have less people around him. Being with his friends wasn't giving him that warm feeling it usually did (A/N: C'mon, you know that feeling).

"Thanks Raven," Beast Boy muttered under his breath. Raven nodded faintly.

"No problem," she muttered.

"How come you're being so nice to me?" BB asked her inquisitively, still speaking to his knees.

"What do you mean?" Raven questioned. Beast Boy shrugged.

"You're not usually….well….exactly….you know…..nice to me. You'd usually rather that I wasn't around, and when I am you usually….kind of snap at me," he answered sheepishly. Raven lowered her eyes for a moment, as though feeling guilty.

"I guess….well, you know when you have something, you don't really think much of it. But then, at the prospect of that thing disappearing forever, you start to feel a little differently," Raven said. Beast Boy nodded and she continued. "I suppose at the thought of losing you, I realized I really do care about you more than I show. Jesus, when I saw you lying there bleeding….to be honest it really scared the shit out of me. I was so afraid you were already….or that you were going to……" she couldn't quite bring herself to say the word 'die'.

Beast Boy was a bit in awe at the fact that she had been afraid, especially because she thought _he_ was going to die.

"I never really thought you cared," he admitted.

"I'm sorry," Raven said quietly. Beast Boy just looked at her for a moment.

"Dammit Raven, what is there for you to be sorry for? You didn't do anything," he said.

"I'm sorry for the way I treated you," she said, looking blankly out the window at the water. "You never did anything to deserve me constantly being a bitch." and then she stood up, her apologetic manner disappearing and her normal one coming back. "I'm going to get some tea," she said. "Will you come with me? I'm not leaving you here by yourself, even if for only a few minutes."

Beast Boy nodded obediently and slowly followed her retreating back out of the room.

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**Gawd, that took a while to write. I kept getting distracted. I'll get the next chapter done sooner. **


	5. Healing

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything. Why do I keep bothering to put these things? **

**Yay! Chapter 5!! I'm getting bad at updating. I apologize. I haven't had much free time with school. Damn you, school!!! Hope you like this chapter. I've been getting a lot of ideas in English class. **

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Beast Boy followed Raven silently as she entered the kitchen and made her way to the teapot. He stood quietly in the doorway, aware of the stares of the other three on him.

"Uh…hi guys," he said quietly, shrinking back a bit.

"Hello, friend Beast Boy!" Starfire said, looking slightly more cheerful than last night.

"Hey," Robin said.

"Hey BB," Cyborg said. They were all trying to smile at him, but there was some obvious effort going on in those grins. "Hey, we're going to the park later today. We thought maybe that would cheer you up."

"Um…I don't think I-"

"Oh come on Beast Boy," Robin said.

"Yes, it would be delightful if you joined us," Starfire said.

Beast Boy sighed. "Um…OK," he muttered.

"Wonderful! Will you join us also, Raven?" Starfire asked, sounding even more like her usual self.

"Sure, OK, whatever," Raven said reluctantly, walking over to the table with her tea and sitting down.

"Great. Now let's get down to business. We'll need to bring food, and plenty of it!" Cyborg said, throwing open the fridge.

**XXX**

When they reached the park, the put the picnic basket down on a table and proceeded to start a game of Frisbee, something that Beast Boy normally enjoyed. But he really couldn't bring himself to play. Terra had liked Frisbee…

He walked over and took a spot on the grass under a tree where Raven was sitting, trying not to disturb her. She was sitting silently, meditating. Her book sat by her side. God, it seemed all Raven ever did was read and meditate. She was absolutely silent as she sat there, mouth moving slightly with her mantra, completely undisturbed by the noise all around her, by the light breeze drifting through her hair. Though Beast Boy was quiet, she sensed his presence and cracked an eye open.

"I'm surprised you're not playing," she said, pausing in her silence to speak to him.

"Terra…she liked Frisbee…." he trailed off. Raven nodded.

"I understand," she said. For some reason, those two words were the most comforting thing Beast Boy had heard in a very long time. He leaned back on his hands , feeling the warm breeze blow across his face. He had always liked the park. It reminded him of simpler times, times he could very vaguely remember. The sun and feeling of freedom reminded him of long passed days in Africa. He gave a troubled sigh. "Beast Boy?" Raven asked softly, startling him.

"Hm?" he asked.

"Would you like to meditate with me?"

"Huh?"

"It might help you feel better. You…don't have to. It's just a suggestion-" Raven began.

"No, I'll try it," Beast Boy said quietly, crossing his legs. "Um…."

"Find your center, relax, and let go. Don't concentrate on anything else. Anything that might be bothering you, just forget," Raven said, taking a deep breath. "Azerath, Metrion, Zinthos."

Beast Boy squeezed his eyes shut. "Azerath, Metrion, Zinthos," he repeated quietly, feeling a bit stupid. But he could feel his mind slowly relaxing as he repeated it, his worries starting to ebb very slightly.

"Hey, Beast Boy?" Raven said a few minutes later, shaking BB out of his reverie. He looked up at her.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Do you thinking you're…going to be OK?" she asked.

BB shrugged. "I'm not sure. I hope so," he said, uncrossing his legs and letting them flop out into the grass. (wow. Usually BB would never be able to sit still that long. Damn you, depression! You're making BB do strange things!)

"I'm just glad you're…not dead," Raven said. It seemed to take her a moment to gather herself once more at the thought. "So, did it help?"

"Yeah, a little," BB said. "I…thanks."

"No problem," Raven said. "So…you really miss Terra, don't you?" she asked. Seeing his ears droop, she regretted saying this, and bit her lip. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"It's OK. Yeah, I really do miss her," BB answered. Raven nodded.

"To be honest, so do I," she said. "Despite the fact that she betrayed us…" she said darkly, glowering "She wasn't a bad friend. After getting past the whole disloyalty thing she was a pretty decent person."

"Yeah."

"But eventually, we'll all be able to move on," Raven said. BB nodded, not exactly sure what to say at this point. Usually, Raven never said more than a few words to him, and lately she had been carrying on whole conversations. It was strange how one simple situation could change everything…in some ways.

The awkward silence was broken by the Frisbee hitting him in the side of the head. His own surprise, rather than the force of the blow, knocked him over. He sat up in the grass, bewildered for a moment.

"I am sorry, Beast Boy!" Starfire said, a hand over her mouth.

"That's OK," BB said, shrugging it off. Starfire still looked upset.

"He said it was OK Star," Robin said comfortingly (aww) as he walked over to retrieve the disc of plastic. BB nodded, and Starfire smiled happily and went to rejoin the game. BB longed to join them, to enter their state of merriment, but somehow he couldn't bring himself to. He wasn't sure why. The feeling of sadness still sat in his chest like an insect burrowing its way inside. There was no way to escape it.

**XXX**

Later, back at the Tower, Beast Boy headed almost immediately for his room while the others went into the living room.

"Hey, wait a minute BB!" Cyborg. "Mega movie marathon! We're playing all your favorites."

Beast Boy decided that it would be easier to just go along with it then argue. He walked over to the couch and sat down. At least movies required no thought. He wouldn't really have to concentrate. He stared blankly at the tv screen as the movie started, his mind working furiously to concentrate on the image on the screen rather than the horrible feeling that was still gnawing at his insides.

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**Phew. I'm excited at all these new ideas I've been getting. I'll probably get the next chapter up really soon. **


	6. Tickled Pink

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything. Surprise surprise. **

**Yay! Another chapter. I got the idea for this one about a week ago very randomly. It seemed very cute at the time, but now I'm not so sure. Anyway, enjoy it regardless! Thank you so much for reading this story. Your reviews keep me going. I love you guys! **

**Please don't flame due to Raven's probable OOCness in this chapter. She has motivation; her friend is sad. Speaking of Raven, did 'Bunny Raven' scare anyone else? It was funny, though. **

**I'm so happy! I heard from my IM buddy Kid! I want to sing!**

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Beast Boy awoke the next morning to find that once again, he had fallen asleep on the sofa. He had fallen asleep sitting against the arm of the sofa. He looked around the room. He was surprised when he realized that the rest of the team were also on the sofa, still asleep. Cyborg was lying sprawled out over the end, Starfire was lying on her back with her head hanging over the edge and snoring softly, and Robin was asleep with his head resting on Star's stomach, an almost contented look on his face even in sleep at being near to her. That was three. But…where was Raven? Beast Boy was a bit puzzled as to where she might be, until he felt movement against him. Startled, he looked down and saw Raven sitting with her head resting on his shoulder, asleep. He was overcome by surprise at this awkward position she was in. Even though she was asleep, Beast Boy thought it was very unusual for Raven to allow herself to get close to anyone.

Raven shifted lightly in her sleep once more, and Beast Boy spent a moment looking at her. He had never really taken the time to do this before. Her short violet hair framed her pale face perfectly, and with her eyes closed, she looked almost peaceful. She felt warm against his side, and Beast Boy relished the feeling of comfort in having someone who cared being so near to him. He dropped his head back onto the back of the sofa and closed his eyes.

**XXX**

Beast Boy could feel a pair of eyes on him, and quickly opened his. Robin was sitting on the other end of the sofa. When he saw that Beast Boy was awake, he smiled.

"Hey, Beast Boy. Feeling better?" he asked.

Beast Boy shrugged. "Sorry…I'm not really. But I'm not feeling worse, either," he answered.

"At least there's that," Robin said. "Guess what? Cyborg's starting an…um.. 'super breakfast bonanaza', I think it was. There's quite a bit of tofu involved," he added with a grin.

"Uh, cool," Beast Boy said. He wanted to show enthusiasm, he really did, but something inside seemed to weigh him down. He was almost able to force a smile, but not quite.

"So, you're going to have some, right?" Robin asked.

"Uh…yeah, OK," Beast Boy answered him.

Robin grinned. "Great. I'm gonna go help Cyborg cook. I'll come and get you when it's ready, OK?"

BB nodded, and Robin stood up and walked toward the door, leaving Beast Boy with the sleeping Raven as it slid shut behind him. She was still sitting with her head resting on his shoulder. She looked so peaceful. Beast Boy assumed there had been a time when he too had been that serene in sleep.

Very suddenly, there was a slight movement, and Raven lifted her head from his shoulder. She looked at him, and then jumped backward a few feet, looking strangely like a frightened animal.

"Whoa, what's the matter?" Beast Boy asked. Raven shook her head. She paused for a moment.

"Feeling better?" she asked.

"Not really," BB answered truthfully, averting his eyes from her. Raven wanted to hit herself. He just looked so miserable. She wished there was something she could do. Suddenly, an evil smile crept across her face. "Uh, Raven?" BB asked. He really didn't like that look. Saying nothing, Raven reached out a hand and quickly tickled Beast Boy's armpit. He gave a squeal and shot backwards into the arm of the couch, looking at her in surprise. She was pretty surprised with herself, too, at how childish this was.

"Tickle fight!" she called childishly, attacking him again. "What's the matter, too weak to fight back?" she asked with another evil grin, her hand shooting out and tickling his stomach. He giggled loudly and tried to escape. Raven wasn't giving up quite that easily, she followed him and gave his side a squeeze. At this, he completely exploded in a fit of giggles, slumping onto his back. "Aha! I've discovered your weak spot!" Raven said. She launched herself on him and started tickling both of his sides at once. His laughter increased, his hands attempting to push her away, but he was weak from how hard he was laughing. He squirmed underneath her in a vain attempt to end the tickling.

And then a green gorilla leaped forward and forced her off, landing on her as it changed back into the form of the small green changeling. The tables were turned. Raven realized this before Beast Boy started tickling her under the arms. She tried to hold back, she really did. She didn't want anything to explode right now. But the truth was, she really couldn't help it. It only took about ten seconds of this before she burst into laughter, starting to writhe around in attempt to escape. To her surprise, nothing exploded, and after a moment of the absence of banging noises, she allowed herself to keep laughing. Beast Boy refused to relent.

Raven was laughing very hard. This made the color rush into her face, and she looked very funny indeed. Beast Boy started chuckling softly, and then started laughing fully as her expression became more and more purposely exaggerated. She seized this opportunity to reach up and tickle his sides again, his secret weakness in this battle. He laughed harder (BB has such a cute giggle! Eep. Sorry), collapsing on her. She rolled sideways, forcing him off of the sofa and onto the floor, where once again she had the upper hand. She attacked with a vengeance, and Beast Boy was laughing so hard by now that tears were starting to leak out of his eyes. He fought back, tickling her stomach, which caused her to lose control completely, and BB flipped over so they were both on their sides.

This was a fair fight now, the two of them lying on the carpet, neither with the advantage. They were both laughing extremely hard, and this went on for a few minutes before the tickling ended and they just lay there, though their laughter did not cease for a few minutes. They both sat up.

"Well, that was extremely immature of me," Raven said. BB nodded.

"But it's OK to be immature sometimes, even for you," he said with a hint of laughter still in his voice.

"Wow. Beast Boy, you're actually smiling," Raven said. It was true. Beast Boy's once familiar toothy grin now stared at her from a face that had looked so desolate for so long, and it was quite a contrast. "I'm glad," she added, smiling back.

"Thanks, Rae. I didn't think I was ever going to laugh again," he said. Raven nodded, now feeling a bit embarrassed as the fact that she had just started a tickle fight willingly fully sunk in. BB giggled slightly. "Wow. _You_, starting a tickle fight. Wait until I tell Cyborg," he said.

Raven was about to tell him that he had better not say a word if he wanted to wake up tomorrow with all of his limbs attached, but realized that she didn't really care. This teenager who sat in front of her was almost the normal Beast Boy. Almost. There was still something dismal deep in his eyes, but at the moment they were twinkling, and she couldn't bring herself to ruin that.

"I need some herbal tea," she said instead, picking herself up off of the floor and brushing carpet fuzz from her leotard and cloak with as much dignity as she could, heading to the kitchen with Beast Boy close behind.

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**Aww. So happy. But there's still quite a bit of story left, so don't expect this to be the end of plot twists. I'll update soon!**


	7. Hell on Earth

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing. What do you want from me?**

**Wow. Chapter seven! I'm writing faster than normal. These ideas are struggling to get out, and I can't deny them the chance. Enjoy another chapter! Most of this chapter is a dream sequence, but I like it.**

**I know by now that Terra doesn't have a sister, but I'm going to leave her in because malevolence between sister and sister has been used before on TT and I liked the effect. So, Terra's sister stays. No complaints, now. **

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"_Hello?" Beast Boy asked softly, looking around. He wasn't exactly sure where he was. The snow was grayish instead of white, the sky was gray and marbled by angry, swirling clouds. The trees were dead, bare black stitches on the barren landscape. "Hello?" he asked again. _

"_Hey, Beast Boy," said a voice behind him. Beast Boy turned around. Terra stood about six feet from him, looking slightly confused. "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at the arcade still? You were supposed to leave early, but not this early. This isn't good. I didn't want to you have to see this, but now you're going to have to watch the whole thing," she said. For some reason, she looked exactly the same as she had when the Titans had met her for the very first time._

"_What are you talking about?" Beast Boy asked. He knew what she was talking about. The event she was probably speaking of had already happened. But somehow, he knew and didn't know all at the same time. Like actors in a play know the fate of their character and the character knows nothing of it, but here the actor and the character were both the same person. There was no play here. _

_The snow was white now, for some reason, whiter than anything BB had ever seen. It almost blinded him. _

_She didn't answer his question. "You have to get out of here, Beast Boy. I don't want you to see," she said._

"_See what?" he asked. He knew, but he didn't know, and he was confused. And then he was strangely terrified (Terra-fied. Heh. Uh…sorry (dodges rotten fruit) ). _

_Something rose up out of the ground…Raven's father, Trigon, with Gizmo's head sitting on his huge crimson shoulders, but somehow it was apparent that this was Terra's sister. _

"_Little bitch," the Trigon/Gizmo Terra's sister said, advancing on Terra. There was earth everywhere. There were rocks everywhere. And yet Terra did nothing. _

"_I'm not going to hurt you," Terra said. "I'm not going to hurt family." a firm resolve came over her face with these words. "Do what you want." _

"_Terra, don't!" Beast Boy yelled. She looked at him and then at the ground. _

"_I'm sorry, Beast Boy," she said softly. It was the same sort of apology that she had offered him so long ago before sacrificing herself to save the city. And with these words, Terra's sister attacked. She took a swipe at Terra with whatever weapon she was holding, it wasn't clear what it was. A splash of vermilion liquid speckled the snow, and Terra stumbled but stayed on her feet, her face drawn with pain. Her sister struck again, this time knocking off some flesh with the blow and after a few more like this, Terra collapsed, crawling in an attempt to escape the fury. _

"_Don't just stand there, do something," said a voice behind Beast Boy. He turned his head and was puzzled when he saw Slade standing there. His voice sounded strange, like a mixture between Starfire and Cyborg. _

_Beast Boy tried to take a step forward to stop it as Slade had said, but he couldn't move. Maybe he had vaguely known it all along and that was why he hadn't done anything before, because he had known it was pointless. So instead, he screamed.  
_

"_Terra, fight back! Don't let her do this!" he called out. _

"_You're the only one who can stop her!' Terra yelled. For some reason, she said this in Robin's voice. By now, some of her bones were visible and a great deal of her flesh and blood littered the ground, but she showed no signs of pain._

"_I can't move!" BB yelled, tears starting to come to his eyes. _

"_Yes you can," said a voice to his left. Raven was standing there. "You can do anything."_

_Beast Boy went to take a step forward, and this time he moved. Trigon/Gizmo…I mean Terra's sister…vanished into thin air with a crack and left behind a small cloud of purple mist, which Raven walked into. _

"_Where are you going?" BB asked. _

"_You don't need me anymore," Raven said, disappearing into the mist. When it faded, she was gone. BB rushed over to Terra, kneeling beside her where she lay.  
_

"_Terra?" he asked. It was a horrible sight. Most of Terra's flesh was missing, parts of her skull were even visible, but somehow, save for a few cuts, her face was intact. And when she answered him, she spoke not something his mind fabricated, no part of a dream, but her real last words._

"_Beast Boy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I betrayed you. I'm sorry I worked for Slade. I'm sorry I'm going to die on you. I'm so, so sorry. I'm going to miss you, BB," she said with a slight grin, closing her eyes. _

"_Terra?" Beast Boy asked. _

"_See you on the other side," Terra said, and then her face went blank. "Terra?" BB said, though he knew she wasn't going to answer him. "Terra?" he was crying now. He looked around. Raven was gone. The Slade with the fucked up voice was gone. Terra was gone. He was alone. _

_Beast Boy collapsed onto his side in the snow, wracked with sobs that he could not control. _

**XXX**

Raven held the mug of steaming tea in her hands as she exited the dark kitchen. It was nearly 2 AM. She had been having trouble sleeping. She was worried about Beast Boy. They had finally allowed him to be alone long enough to sleep in his own room, and she was terrified that he was going to try it again-

She gave a shiver as she walked down the dark hallway, clutching her mug in attempt to calm herself. It didn't work. Maybe she would just check on him, and then she would be able to rest a bit easier.

As Raven passed Beast Boy's door, she stopped and was about to knock, in hopes of waking him if he was asleep. But before she got the chance, she became aware of soft whimpering coming from the room. She was startled.

"Beast Boy?" she called, placing her ear against the door. There was no answer, only the soft sound of crying from inside the room. She lifted her hands. The door became enveloped in black and slid open.

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**Phew, another one down. I'll do more soon, I swear. **


	8. Comfort

**Disclaimer: Oh, poop.**

**Wow. Chapter eight. This has come a long way. I'm having fun. Enjoy the eighth chapter. Wee! Well enjoy!**

**In regards to Titans East: Gasp! I actually got close to tears after Cyborg decided to...to...ahg! I can't wait to see part two. If I'm mistaken and there isn't a part two, I think I might scream. **

**Hey, I have quite a few chapters written. I'm wondering if I should post two chapters instead of onetomorrow or whenever I got the chance to get online again. What do you guys think?**

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Raven walked into the dark, very messy room quietly. The sobs were coming from Beast Boy's bed. She walked over and floated up to get to the top bunk, where she sat on the edge of the bed. "Beast Boy?" she asked.

Beast Boy was crying very hard. His body was shaking with the forceful sobs, and it was obvious that he was still asleep. He didn't respond when she spoke. "Beast Boy?" she asked again. She placed a hand on his shoulder and shook him gently. "Beast Boy!"

He shot straight up in bed and looked around wildly, his sobs halting for a moment, and then his head dropped to his chest as he started crying again, though clearly ashamed with himself. Raven's hand returned to his shoulder, and he jumped, large frightened eyes staring at her; he hadn't noticed she was here, because the room was dim.

"R-Raven?" he managed to stammer between sobs. She nodded.

"Yes," she said. He looked down at his sheets again, trying to stop his tears but with little progress. She watched him struggle to stop crying for a moment. "It's OK Beast Boy, you can cry," she told him softly. The large, wet, green eyes raised and looked at her for a moment as tears continued to seep from them. Raven slowly leaned forward and wrapped her arms around the sobbing changeling in a hug. He returned the embrace slowly, collapsing against her, still shaking with sobs in her arms. He made several attempts to apologize for crying, but his sobs drowned out the words.

Raven wasn't exactly sure what Beast Boy was crying about, but she guessed it had something to do with Terra. She was slightly taken aback, since she had never seen him cry before, but she didn't show it. She just continued to hug him and stroked his messy olive hair gently with one hand, surprised at how soft it was.

Eventually, Beast Boy's sobs ceased and he drew back, slightly embarrassed. Raven dropped her arms from around him. He was still shaking. "Maybe you should lie down," Raven suggested gently. He did, lying down on his side and watching her above him.

"Why were you crying? What happened?" she asked after a moment. Beast Boy took a shaky breath.

"I was-" he began, his voice wavering on every syllable. Raven realized then that he was still crying quietly. He sniffed several times. "I had a dream…about the night Terra died…but it was worse. Much worse. I didn't see everything when it really happened. I just saw her after. I don't know if what I dreamed was what happened to her…besides how screwed up everyone was. But it was awful…and you were there and you…went away…and I was all alone…everyone left me…and….and…" he was unable to go on and started to cry a bit harder.

Without a word, Raven nervously slid herself under the covers and wrapped her arms around her crying teammate. He seemed a bit surprised, but he returned the gesture, crying as quietly as he could into the shoulder of her leotard. "I'm not going to leave you," she said softly, surprising even herself at how gentle her own voice sounded. He gave her a tight squeeze.

Raven had never seen Beast Boy so vulnerable and small. He was always smaller than she was, but here, curled up against her and sobbing, he seemed so small and helpless. Beast Boy was a Teen Titan. He was more powerful than even himself knew. And yet at this moment he was as powerless as a kitten. He was upset, he was her friend, and for the first time she could remember, she was the only one there to comfort him. She stroked his back uncertainly and he was surprised for a moment but did not draw back. Her tenderness took him by surprise. Raven had never seemed to him to be the kind of person who could be so desperately comforting.

Eventually, Beast Boy's cries died away. He was exceptionally glad that she didn't let go of him when he stopped crying. He wondered how she knew that he needed her right now, how she seemed to know he had stopped crying outside but not inside. She was still stroking his back gently, and he gave a small, accidental purr of gratification. Raven laughed softly once, but quickly stopped, worried about hurting his feelings. She couldn't be sure how he would react to anything in this state.

She looked at him and saw that he was looking back, the clear emerald orbs staring into her own fierce violet ones. She drew him a bit closer and tried to look away, but the deep green eyes held her stare paralyzed. She couldn't recall ever being quite this close to her teammate, especially not for this long. She could feel every angle of his body against her own, and yet she was not pulling away. Normally, Raven attempted to get as far away from every person (especially Beast Boy) as humanly possible. She hated human contact, and she would usually draw away immediately at the touch of another. But instead, she did quite the contrary and pulled him even closer, as though she were rebelling against herself. Their faces were barely an inch apart now. Beast Boy decided to be bold and snuggled her closer against him, and she didn't protest. Faces only centimeters apart, now.

Slowly, very slowly, still watching those astounding jade eyes to see if he was going to do anything, Raven moved forward very slightly. So slightly that it was barely even noticeable. And then a little more. Beast Boy didn't draw back at all. Raven began to feel very, very strange. They were so close now. Any closer and the consequences could be disastrous. His breath seemed to be very hot against her lips, and she became aware that she too was breathing heavier than necessary, but could do nothing to stop it. She moved forward a bit more. Her lips were tingling as they paused only fibers away from Beast Boy's, and then they brushed for a fraction of a second before Raven drew back. Nothing exploded. Nothing imploded. The universe didn't come to an abrupt halt.

She moved forward once more, slowly, extremely nervously, and their lips connected for a second once more before Raven pulled hers back. She was furious with herself for not being assertive enough to go through with it and furious with herself for trying to, when she knew perfectly well that her powers could go out of control at any minute. But she gathered herself in spite of this and tried again. Only this time, Beast Boy moved forward too, and their lips united forcefully. They both pulled back, slightly awkwardly, and then Raven finally positioned her lips against his and did not draw back, kissing him nervously, squeezing her eyes shut. Beast Boy returned the kiss timidly, slightly nervous to be kissing someone like Raven. They both gained confidence and the kiss became less and less shy and more fervent. Beast Boy held Raven tighter in a desperate attempt to get her closer to him and she squeezed him back.

Beast Boy had forgotten his depression for the moment. He had forgotten Terra, forgotten the other Titans, forgotten the entire world, forgotten everything in existence but Raven, the dark, mysterious girl who never showed the slightest interest in him on a normal day and he was secretly slightly afraid of. He could feel nothing at the moment but powerful attraction. The reason she was here was forgotten to him for the time being, all that mattered was this completely blissful moment.

And then Raven broke the kiss, gasping for air. Beast Boy was slightly stunned by her actions and now that they were over, they stared at each other in confusion, something like fear in Raven's eyes. They both struggled to catch their breath and then stared at each other again, astounded by their own actions, daring themselves to do more. And then Raven dropped her head and rested it under his chin, and they were both silent.

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**Aww. Uh…sorry. I'll get the next chapter up as soon as I can.**


	9. What Is Normal?

**Disclaimer: Blah. I get sick of this. **

**Chapter nine! Woo hoo! (celebrates) I didn't think I'd ever get this far. At the start of this fic, I was completely lacking ideas. Now it's quite the opposite. I'm running a little low on ideas at the moment, but more will come. I'll try and get the next chapter up very soon. This current chapter might be a bit long.**

**Has anyone else heard the song 'Tight Rope' by Lacuna Coil? I love that song! It kinda reminds me of Robin. **

**Do not doubt the BBRae! Never underestimate the power of the pairing! Never! It shall prevail!**

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Beast Boy opened his eyes groggily. Morning sunlight was slanting in through the window and had woken him. He was vaguely aware of warmth against him, and he looked down in search of the source of the warmth. Raven was curled up against him, her arms wrapped loosely around him. He was a bit startled at first, before remembering last night's events. Now that the night had passed, he was slightly embarrassed at his actions. He had allowed Raven to see him cry. What was she going to think of him now? Was she going to believe he was weak?

He decided that at the moment it didn't really matter. He was a bit confused about other things at the moment. Raven had kissed him. What did this mean? Did it mean she had feelings for him? And if so, was it dangerous? He had seen on several occasions before the damage that her powers could do, the damage that her emotions could do, if they were to somehow get out of control. He was puzzled as to why nothing had happened when she had kissed him. Did it mean that it was safe for her to feel some emotions? Had she just been fighting the loss of control the entire time? The more he wondered about it, the more confused he became. It started to make his head hurt, so he shook it away and concentrated instead on Raven.

He had realized before how peaceful she looked when she was asleep, but she had never looked happy before. He could remember only a handful of times when he had seen her smile. There was a smile on her face now, and it seemed almost out of place on the ordinarily stern lips. Beast Boy couldn't help but smile at her, and then was surprised at the fact that he was smiling. The feeling of sadness was not quite as pronounced as it had been before. He hadn't believed that he would ever feel even a little better, but he did. He had Raven to thank for that. He smiled at her again. And then he became confused.

He wasn't exactly sure how he felt about Raven. There had been something very strong that grew inside when she had kissed him, but he wasn't sure exactly what it was. Maybe he was feeling this because she was giving him what Terra never had: trust. Terra had always had such trouble trusting people, even Beast Boy, who had adored her and she had known it. She had had such trouble letting people in, giving up control, and so things between them had never progressed quite the way Beast Boy had wished it would. Maybe these things he was feeling for Raven were only because he was so happy that someone was giving him what he had longed for before. Raven had given her complete trust to him at a great risk last night. There had been the possibility of both of them dying, and yet she had allowed herself to give in. Beast Boy saw this as a display of trust. It had been unwise, but it touched him all the same.

He realized, with some regret, that his suspicions were true. He was still not over Terra, that was clear to him. Terra had only allowed herself to be only slightly more than a friend to him, she had never kissed him, especially not after the whole Slade incident, and Raven had. She had given him what he had been yearning for from Terra, and so he had believed that he felt something for her. But he didn't. He couldn't? Raven was his friend. Raven couldn't risk ever being with him…

Or was it Beast Boy who couldn't risk being with her?

His thoughts were interrupted by Raven awakening. He could tell she was awake because she gave a slight jump when she realized that she was enfolded in his arms. She rolled quickly away from him, the frightened animal look on her face again. She watched him carefully for a moment, as though worried he was going to mock her for being close to him. When he only stared back, the look disappeared. She stared blankly for a moment. Last night, there had been barely a shadow of the normal Raven he knew. Now that the Raven that she usually was had returned; the dark, sarcastic, emotionless Raven, Beast Boy found himself missing her other side.

"Sleep well?" she asked, jolting him abruptly out of this thoughts.

"Uh….yeah, I guess," he said. She nodded cordially.

"I'm glad. No more nightmares, I assume?" she asked.

Beast Boy nodded, though it was a lie. He had had more nightmares last night, just none that had really unsettled him. He felt that perhaps Raven was lying also, in a way. She was acting like last night had never happened. Oh yeah, that was Raven. Ignore anything that had any emotion attached to it in any way. It almost pissed him off, but he was too overcome with confusion, and of course the usual depression, to bother with anger. It did annoy him slightly, but he said nothing. Maybe this was how Raven felt most of the time. Unless emotions were too pressing to shake off, she ignored them. He wondered if she had to choose what was really worth feeling. Did she ever feel anything at all? He was shaken out of these thoughts by her voice.

"Are you hungry?" she asked. He shrugged.

"No," he answered blandly.

"I am. I'm going to eat something. Are you coming, or are you going to stay in here?" Raven asked carefully. Beast Boy shrugged again. She glided lightly to the floor and walked toward the door very casually, as though she hadn't spent the night in his bed (that sounds wrong. It's not though. I don't mean it that way, for God's sake! (goes off on a rant)) Beast Boy hopped down after her and followed her out the door, watching her from behind and she swept down the hall, her cloak billowing. She stopped and turned around, waiting for him to catch up. When he did, she started off again, the two of them walking side by side, something not entirely normal for Raven.

"Thanks," Beast Boy said quietly, greatly touched though by such a small gesture. She nodded and turned her head for a second to offer him a small smile. Something melted inside as the smile crossed her lips. It felt as though his organs were melting and running over each other in liquid form, primarily his stomach. He quickly shook this feeling off and kept walking as his knees steadied themselves again.

Once in the kitchen, Beast Boy seated himself beside Cyborg at the table.

"Hey BB!" Cyborg said cheerfully, clapping his green friend on the back. "How ya doin?"

Beast Boy grinned, though weakly. "Better, actually," he said, barely able to believe it himself.

"Really?" Cyborg asked. BB nodded. "That's great!"

"I am overjoyed to hear this, Beast Boy! You are recovered?" Star asked happily.

"A little," Beast Boy answered.

"Wonderful!" Star said, clapping her hands together and squirting some mustard onto her waffle.

"Yeah, that's great Beast Boy!" Robin said happily to BB. Then he looked at Starfire. "Uh…Star…mustard doesn't really belong on-" he began, but he cut himself off.

"What, friend Robin?" Star asked.

"Uh…I was going to say that people don't usually put mustard on waffles, but I guess if you like it…" he trailed off. "It doesn't matter." he grinned at her.

"I am glad to hear this," Starfire said, smiling. "I enjoy mustard with the waffles. Does anyone else care to try?" she cut off a bite of the yellow-covered waffle and held it up on her fork.

Beast Boy decided to be adventurous. "I'll give it a shot," he said, faking a very heroic voice.

"Splendid!" Star said, shoving the bite into his mouth across the table. Beast Boy's eyes watered for a moment at the taste of the mustard mixing with the delicate sweetness of the blueberry waffle, and then he started to chew.

"You know, it actually isn't bad," he said thoughtfully.

"Fantastic! Cyborg, Robin, you must taste also!" Star said, shoving a bite into each of their mouths with no regard whatsoever to their 'no thanks Star' replies and holding up of hands in defense (sounds like Sparky. You can't deny it, Sparky! You know that's like you!).

There was a pause, and then Robin burst into laughter at the look on Cyborg's face. Some mustard dribbled out onto his chin as he laughed. Star and Cyborg both started laughing at this. Beast Boy started chuckling lightly, and then it slowly grew a bit and became mild giggles.

"Oh yeah, we got our Beast Boy back!" Cyborg said, grabbing BB around the neck and rubbing his metallic knuckles against BB's scalp. BB smiled a bit wider.

"Yeah, you'd like me to be back to kick your but again, wouldn't you?" he joked.

"Did Beast Boy just crack a joke? It really is him! I thought for a while there a little blue man had moved into your head and taken control over you," Robin said.

"Yep. But he's back now, it looks like!" Cyborg said, giving BB another noogie.

"Oh God. And I thought for a while there that we were safe from his jokes for good," Raven said, sitting down next to Beast Boy. It was clear she didn't mean it because she smiled slightly and joined in with Cyobrg's noogie (heh. Noogies).

Beast Boy grinned back at her. For a moment, the depression wasn't the primary feeling inside. Right now, what he could feel the most was that warm, fuzzy, family-type feeling. That and the organ-melty feeling toward Raven. How long could he deny any feelings for her? (hey, organ-melty. Man, I'm bad with summarizing feelings)

For a while. Because right now, there were other things to deal with. Like getting Cyborg back with a mega-noogie.

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**Aww. Now_ that's _BB. I'll get the next chapter up soon. Until then, bask in the fluffiness while it lasts. **


	10. Advice

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Why do I even put these? **

**Enjoy the tenth chapter. I really love writing this. Wee hoo! I'm not having very much trouble getting chapters done. **

**Note to Cloud: Don't worry! This is NOT going to end up BBTerra. **

**Fancy note: this chapter originally didn't exist. It was actually supposed to just rush into what happens next. But I'm putting it here to build emotions in the characters so the next chapter will make a bit more sense and have a bit more drama because of what you'll know from this chapter. **

**When there's trouble you know what to do  
****Call Cyborg!  
****He can shoot a rocket from his shoe!  
**'**Cause he's Cyborg!  
****You know he can do stuff like that  
****Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah  
****I can't remember what else he said  
****Call Cyborg!**

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Beast Boy could not get her out of his head. Despite the fact that he still missed Terra horribly, Raven occupied his mind almost completely. He couldn't stop thinking about her. He had never thought of his dark teammate this way before, as perhaps something more than just a good friend. He could deny his feelings for no longer. It was getting so obvious to him now that he could not escape it. He was completely and totally infatuated with his friend. He wasn't exactly sure how it had happened. A few days ago, he had been completely preoccupied with Terra's death and his feelings for her, and now he was feeling a whole new strain of emotions. When he remembered how he had felt when she kissed him, he almost exploded on the inside. He longed to be so close to her again.

It was ridiculous. He couldn't feel that way about Raven. It was…dangerous. Her emotions were so hazardous. She was like a time bomb when it came to feelings.

And yet he liked her anyway. He couldn't deny that. He was being unfair. He was allowing himself to have feelings for her and knowing he would never be able to act on them because she could never be in a relationship…because of those damn emotions. Who knew, maybe she could feel _some_ emotions without terrible consequences, since she _had_ kissed him without anything exploding, but it still wasn't entirely safe. He was being stupid for even allowing himself to dream that there could ever be anything between them. There couldn't, could there?

This was stupid. He was making his depression worse by worrying about these things. With depression, you could feel better for a while, and then something not even related to what had depressed you in the first place could destroy everything, and you could be even worse than before. He didn't want to make it worse. He struggled to get these thoughts out of his mind.

"Hey, BB, you OK? You look kind of sick," Cyborg said, tapping him on the shoulder. He looked concerned (I love Cyborg).

BB shrugged. "Naw, I think I'll be OK Cy," he said. He understood Cyborg's concern. The other Titans were thinking along the same lines as Beast Boy himself was. The slightest little things could offset his balance and send the depression crashing back down on him while he was still recovering.

"Glad to hear it man. You ready for me to kick you little green butt at Gamestation?" Cyborg asked, trying to be cheerful.

"Oh, you wish Cyborg," Beast Boy said, forcing all the negative thoughts out of his mind and picking up his controller. Smiling on the outside, but still screaming on the inside, he got up and pushed the start button on the Gamestation. "Be prepared to lose, Metal Man!" a feeling of relative normality fell over the Tower. In the living room, that is.

**XXX**

Raven took a deep breath. She felt extremely pathetic in stooping to this level. But there was really nothing she could do about her situation at the moment, and it had to be done. She put out a hand and knocked on the door. In a matter of seconds, the door slid open and Starfire's cheerful face appeared.

"Friend Raven!" she said happily. "Please come in! How may I help you?"

"I just need to talk to you about something," Raven said, walking into the room and looking around. The room gave her an overload of pink and purple. She shuddered. "I need your….I can't believe I'm actually saying this….I need your advice." Raven was actually asking advice from someone who had once thought toilets were incubators for….swaznars, or something like that.

"You are OK, Raven? You look ill," Starfire said.

"I'm fine," Raven muttered.

"I am glad to hear this," Starfire said, sitting down on the edge of the large, round bed and pulling her legs up under her in a yoga position. Raven didn't sit down. She merely stood in the center of the floor and looked at her. "Tell me, Raven, what is it you wish to talk about?"

Raven sighed. "It's pretty obvious that you're….how should I put this….infatuated with Robin," Raven said. "Foolishly attracted…head over heels…" she couldn't think of very many ways to put it. She could only pray Star knew what she was talking about. She had never had personal talks with her before, so she really had no idea what she knew about matters like this.

Starfire blushed slightly. "Yes," she admitted. Obviously, she did understand. Raven was relieved that she wouldn't have to explain. That was Robin's job. Raven would get frustrated in a moment.

"Well….I was wondering, since you know what it's like to feel that way about someone…I was wondering if you could tell me how to completely obliterate those types of feelings," Raven said.

"Why would you want to be rid of these feelings? They are wonderful!" Star said.

"Yes, they're wonderful for you, and the rest of the world. But for me they're only dangerous and I can't afford to let them happen. So can you please help me stop feeling…like this?" Raven asked.

"I am not exactly aware of how to make this happen. On Tameran, we embrace such feelings with joy, and we would never, ever try to end them. But I must ask, who are you feeling such wonderful emotions for, Raven?" Starfire asked. Raven stared blankly.

"That's none of your business," she said.

"Raven, will you please tell me?" Star asked. "I wish to know greatly."

Raven sighed. "OK fine…." she squeezed her eyes shut. "Beast Boy," she said in a small whisper.

"Raven, this is glorious!" Starfire said, jumping up and grabbing Raven by the shoulders. "You are in love with Beast Boy! We must tell him immediately!"

Rave grabbed Starfire by the hair as she ran for the door.

"NO," she hissed, yanking her back and causing her to squeak. "I never said I was in _love_ with him. And besides, we can't tell him. He can never know. I'm here for you to help me stop feeling like this about him, remember?"

"Oh, yes," Starfire said, looking a bit embarrassed. "I have forgotten."

"Right. So Starfire, do you think you can help me?" Raven asked.

"I am not sure. I do not think so. On Tameran, we were not brought up to kill our emotions. Emotions are a beautiful thing, and we should always be joyous to feel them, or at least accept them if we are not pleased with them. You must accept your emotions, Raven," Starfire said.

"If I accept my emotions, everyone in this tower could die," Raven told her sternly.

"Raven, I do not think this would happen," Star replied.

"And why not? You don't know my emotions. You barely even know me. How could you possibly think for a second that you know the way they work?" Raven snapped. If Starfire was hurt by her tone, she certainly didn't show it.

"Because I have heard you talk about them. Rage can destroy, as you have said before, because it makes people do violent things and get out of control of their anger. Fear, as I have seen, causes horrible things to happen because it makes you doubt yourself and your powers, especially if it is left ignored and restrained. But love is quite different. Love is not a violent emotion. Love is peaceful. I do not believe that love, if you do not attempt to deny it, would cause any destruction. It would cause only happiness. I do not think that love could have any negative consequences for you, Raven," Starfire said.

"Wow, Starfire," Raven said, looking slightly impressed. She paused. "So you really think that…I could actually love? I could actually _be_ loved?" she looked a bit thoughtful as she said this.

"I believe anyone can love and be loved if they find the right person," Star said. "It is only a matter of allowing yourself to embrace what is in your heart and searching for that person. And who knows, perhaps that person for you…is Beast Boy."

"Maybe…" Raven said. "But what if something bad happens? What if you're wrong?"

"At least you will know. I believe Robin has told me once…_it is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all_," Starfire said. "You will never know if you do not try."

"Thanks, Starfire," Raven said.

"It is no trouble. I am always here to talk," Starfire said as Raven walked out the door.

"OK. I'll try and…uh…I'll try that 'embrace your emotions' thing," Raven said, walking out the door.

On the way back to her room, Raven couldn't help but think about what Starfire had said. Maybe nothing bad would happen if she allowed herself to love-no, not love. She didn't _love_ Beast Boy. If she allowed herself to _like_ him, would nothing bad really happen? Could she really allow herself to take that chance?

Or maybe a better question was… _would_ she?

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**Yay! I'll get the next chapter up soon. Must revise it a bit. Hey, is anyone else disgusted with the new episodes? I sort of am. Bunny Raven was cute, but come on. Titans East was evil. I did like Cyborg's rendition of the theme song, though. (bursts into song) Call Cyborg!**


	11. Titans Don\'t Cry

**Disclaimer: No, I still don't own anything. **

**Blah blah blah, chapter eleven, blah blah blah. Wee hee! I'm liking writing this fic. Yay! Enjoy! Thanks for the kind reviews, you guys!**

**Yay! There _was_ a lot of horrible drama in this chapter but I made it less dramatic and…less horrible. I redid this chapter three times. Originally, Raven…(gasp) died! But, I have decided to be un-evil, and so she won't. Bad stuff doesn't happen to her now. I completely rewrote it. **

**I saw 'Titans East pt 2', and I am so glad about the way it ended. Yay! I feel so fuzzy inside. **

**Note to Snow Werewolf: The reviews were most certainly not annoying. I loved getting them. Thanks! **

**BB's dream in this chapter involves symbolism. Very obvious symbolism. Yay!**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Beast Boy sighed contentedly. It was evening, The Holy Grail was playing (hilarity! That movie random fun. Monty Python is the awesomeness), and everyone seemed to be at peace. There was a relative calm over the Tower for the first time since before Terra's death. The depression wasn't bothering Beast Boy quite as much as usual. He could ignore it. He decided that maybe he was starting to accept Terra's death, and the thought made him feel slightly guilty, but relieved at the same time. He was keeping his ever-present feelings for Raven out of his mind pretty successfully.

Beast Boy was grateful. If it weren't for Raven, he would be dead right now. He also would never have been able to recover this much of his normal self, nor would he have been able to tell himself that he was glad to be alive and actually believe it. He glanced at her, and then when he went to turn his eyes back to the tv screen, he couldn't. He stared, transfixed, at Raven, slightly in surprise. Yes, had always thought she was attractive, he had noticed right from the beginning that she was pretty. But he had never really noticed that she was completely and utterly undeniably gorgeous. There was a darkness about her beauty, something mysterious and desperate. He could have kicked himself for never realizing it.

"What are you staring at?" asked a deadpan voice, and he realized that it was Raven. He had been so affixed that he hadn't even noticed that she was looking back at him. Her deep purple eyes were watching him questioningly. He felt himself beginning to blush under that stare.

"Uh…nothing," he said, quickly averting his eyes. Raven shrugged and looked back at the screen, trying to convince herself that she wasn't slightly flattered by the _way_ he had been staring.

**XXX**

Beast Boy shot up in bed, looking around his dark bedroom, his eyes wide with terror and his breaths mere gasps. He clutched two handfuls of blanket up to his face in an almost childlike response to the tide of emotions he was feeling. He gave a slight whimper like a wounded puppy, clutching the covers under his chin, and then felt very foolish. He slipped out of bed finally and walked quickly down the dark hallway.

He had had the dream again, only this time it had been more terrible than he ever could have imagined before. This time, as Terra was dying, her face had suddenly become Raven's. And somehow, he had gotten the impression that he was responsible for her death, even though he had watched Terra's sister (who had looked relatively human this time) kill her.

Beast Boy reached the living room and crawled onto the couch, hugging his knees up against himself and staring around the room like a frightened child. He wasn't even sure why he had come in here. He had just needed to leave that room. He felt extremely alone as he sat there, more alone than he had ever felt in his life. He whimpered again. The feeling was back again. That horrible, despairing feeling that traveled from his chest to his stomach and to every inch of his body in small waves. That feeling that made his eyes burn constantly and his throat ragged and dry. All of his good, natural feelings had been shattered as suddenly as glass. He took several deep breaths, aware that as he breathed the emotion was dulled a bit, because this feeling was almost physical. He felt like this for Terra _and _for Raven, though nothing had happened to Raven in reality. Something had happened to her in his dream, though, and that was quite bad enough. It felt like his organs were being pulled out of his mouth and the stupid, evil, shameful tears were acid on the rims of his eyes. He could feel them running over and wiped them away fiercely. _Titans don't cry_ he told himself sternly, crawling forward off of the couch. He hated to feel so alone. He needed someone here with him. He needed someone to tell him it was going to be alright. He stood up and headed shakily back down the hallway. As he realized where he was heading, he was slightly surprised but kept going. When he reached the door that he knew even in the dark belonged to Raven, he knocked softly.

"Raven?" he croaked, his voice sounding small and weak in his own ears. He kept knocking, a bit harder now. He was so desperate for someone to hear him.

Inside the room, the violet-haired teenager sighed and sat up, slightly irritated to be drawn from her sleep. Who could possibly be knocking on her door in the middle of the night? If it was Starfire coming to ask a question about some random nighttime thing, Raven decided she just might have to knock her flat.

"Who's there?" she called, slightly exasperated.

"Beast Boy," came an unsteady voice from the other side of the door. Raven wondered what could possibly be the matter this time as she crawled reluctantly from the comfort of her warm covers and walked over to the door. It slid open.

"Yes?" she asked, slightly irritated, before she saw the wide, anxious eyes peering at her out of the dark. The look in those eyes made her shiver. "Beast Boy, what happened?"

"Dream," he muttered, and she understood immediately what he meant. "Only this time…it was…worse."

"Oh," Raven said, placing a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. "Come on." she steered him gently over to her bed and he sat down. She sat down too and pulled her legs up underneath her, sitting cross-legged. "Now, what happened?" she asked.

Beast Boy took several breaths. "I had the dream again, only this time Terra didn't die…you did." he sounded absolutely horrified to be even uttering these words. Raven looked at him in surprise, as though he had just said something she had never heard before.

"Me?" she asked questioningly, cocking her head slightly. BB nodded.

"Yeah, you. It was…_horrible_." he shuddered. "I almost threw up." he was shaking now. "When I think about everything it just…arg."

Raven was slightly surprised that he had come to her for comfort, for some reason. Yes, she had been the one helping him to feel better in these situations lately, but she was surprised all the same. She imagined how he must have felt, dreaming of the death of _another _one of his close friends. It must have been terrible for him to wake up so alone after such a nightmare. She felt vaguely like a mother being awakened by her frightened child. Only this situation was much different, because as she looked at him her heart started to move a bit faster, and she cursed at herself mentally. Beast Boy's deep green eyes were watching her, an unreadable look in them. He looked so unbelievably helpless once more.

"I'm sorry," Raven murmured. "It's a horrible feeling, seeing one of your friends…dying like that, isn't it?"

Beast Boy nodded, still shaking. Raven felt terrible for him. She knew exactly how he felt. She had felt exactly the same way when she had seen him bleeding on the bathroom floor. Raven uncrossed her legs and sat on her knees, leaning forward and slipping her arms around him. He returned quite thankfully to the warm, surprising embrace that had kept him sane the last time he had felt like this; so helpless. Raven tried not to allow her heart to beat out of control as she held him close, tried not to feel this strange, tearing feeling in her throat that made her want to cry for his pain. She had had these feelings for him locked away inside since before she could remember, she realized now. She just hadn't been able to admit it fully to herself. And even as she kept denying it repeatedly, she was realizing that maybe these feelings were escalating into something more than simple attraction

"It's OK, Beast Boy," Raven told him gently, looking at him with a very sad look on her face, and something very much like empathy. And as shehugged at him, she realized just how hard it was going to be to resist these emotions. She wondered if she could ignore them for much longer.Maybe they would go away. Well, until they did, she could at least comfort him and still try tofeel like just a friend comforting a friend.

"Thanks Raven," BB said, lifting his head from her shoulder and smiling slightly. That simple, tiny smile made Raven want to melt inside and she quickly resisted the impulse to latch onto him tightly and never let go.

"No problem," she said quietly. She paused, and then gave a light sigh, pulling away from him. If she allowed herself to touch him for much longer, she thought she might burst, lose all control over everything and destroy the entire tower. Or would she? Was Starfire right? Could she allow herself to feel this...attraction without any horrible consequences? Well, at the moment, she wasn't going to try and find out.

She didn't think she could handle it right now.

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**Wow, I'm sorry if that was boring. But I had to write the dream thing...kind of to show the improtance of Raven to BB. **


	12. Man to Man

**Disclaimer: No, I don't own anything. You should know by now. Why do I keep bothering to put these things? Why? Habit? Fear of gorillas?**

**Yay! Chapter twelve! Sorry about the almost weeklong pause. I tried to write, I really did, but school got in the way. Horribly. Damn high school! I hate it! Two and half years left until total freedom. **

**I saw 'The Quest'. It was _hilarious_. I liked it when the other Titans were 'Robin-ing'. It was so childishly fun. I laughed a lot and squirted pop out of my nose. I can't help but wonder, though, how Cyborg managed not to rip the outfit… **

**Enjoy this chapter, which is the product of a long struggle against my desire to go and make kool-aid. **

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Beast Boy walked slowly down the hall away from Raven's room. He had just left a moment ago, and he still felt a bit warm and melted inside from her embrace. He certainly felt better than he had when he'd entered the room. He wondered how it was possible for Raven to be able to comfort him so quickly in any situation. He hadn't met anyone who could get through to him so easily and make him feel so secure since he had been around his mother.

He quickly shook himself out of these thoughts. He didn't need to remember unpleasant memories, especially not now. He sighed and dropped all thoughts of his parents like a weight he had been carrying down the hall and walked toward the kitchen.

The light was off in the room, and it was silent, so Beast Boy was startled when he heard a voice.

"Who's there?" it asked, familiarity dripping from every dip in the syllables.

"It's Beast Boy…Robin, what are you doing here?" Beast Boy asked as his sensitive eyes focused on the image of the Boy Wonder sitting on the counter near the fridge with his knees pulled up to his chest. He looked very strange indeed, small and crumpled and out of place. Sitting there in an image of defeat, Beast Boy wouldn't have recognized him if he couldn't hear his voice. Robin was not the proud leader of the Teen Titans at the moment. Robin was just helpless little boy.

"Thinking," Robin said, his voice helpless and desperate.

"About what? What's the matter? You look…" it was hard for Beast Boy to put how his friend looked into words. "Um…kind of…broken." that was the only thing Beast Boy could come up with. Robin's eyes were quivering behind his mask.

Robin tried to shrug casually. "Just…about things," he said guardedly. "I just…" Robin sighed. The normally closed off teenager looked as though he desperately needed someone to talk to.

Beast Boy walked over and sat down across from him on the other side of the counter. "What's wrong?" he asked. Robin looked at him over his knees and sighed.

"I was just thinking about…well….things." he paused. "Do you know what it's like to be in love?" this question caught Beast Boy slightly by surprise. Robin was never one to talk very personal.

"Uh…I don't think so," Beast Boy said after a moment of consideration.

"Well, it's an incredible feeling. You feel so high and warm and…just fantastic. But the problem is when you…when you love someone and you're…afraid of it," Robin said.

Beast Boy knew instantly what Robin was talking about. Robin's love for Starfire was almost painfully obvious. His almost childlike devotion to her was very apparent. It was very clear that Starfire returned his feelings. And yet he was afraid of it. Somehow, it didn't make any sense. Beast Boy was confused.

"You're afraid of loving Starfire?" he asked. Robin looked slightly alarmed.

"How did you know that's what I was talking about?" he asked.

"Well…sorry dude, but it's kinda obvious," Beast Boy answered. He hadn't said 'dude' since before Terra's death. It gave him a feeling of routine.

"Is it really that obvious?" Robin asked, looking slightly surprised. Beast Boy nodded. Robin shrugged. "Well, I guess it's true how they say that you can't hide love," he said.

"Yeah," Beast Boy said. He was very glad that he was getting the opportunity to talk about this subject, because he had been bothered by something for a while now. "How do you know if it's love or not?" He asked, feeling like he was breaking some kind of boy code by talking about feelings. He wondered if this made him a nancy boy.

"I guess….when you love someone, it's like you feel when you love a friend or a family member, but different. You would do pretty much anything for that person, die or rip out your own liver or whatever. And you just can't imagine what life would be like without that person, you can't imagine surviving without them, and you know you wouldn't _want_ to survive without them. Whenever you're around that person, everything else just disappears and they're all you can see, they're all you care about. You could just spend forever with them and you feel like you would never get tired of their voice," Robin said thoughtfully, and then looked as though he were furious with himself for being so sentimental.

"OK," BB said, shrugging and showing Robin that he didn't have to talk about it anymore. Beast Boy found it just a tad funny that the Boy Wonder could be so sappy, but he didn't say what was on his mind for once. "Thanks…you know, you shouldn't be afraid to love Star," he said. "You're just making yourself miss out…a lot."

Robin sighed and then nodded. "I guess you're right Beast Boy," he said, standing up and surprising Beast Boy in the fact that Robin had actually taken his opinion seriously. Robin looked a lot more like his normal self now, a bit more controlled and less hopeless. "Thanks. See you tomorrow, then," he said, walking out of the kitchen.

Beast Boy sat there for a few minutes, staring off into space. He was letting his mind wander. He sat there sipping a glass of soymilk slowly and letting his mind slip over issues. He thought about what Robin had said. He couldn't be quite sure, but he felt like everything that Robin had said about love was true about the way he felt about Raven.

He was pretty sure it wasn't actually _love_ he felt for her.

But it was close.

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**Aww. That was a pretty pointless chapter, and I'm sorry. But it had _some _significance. It was building on feelings. The root of this story is emotions. **


	13. Here With You

**Disclaimer: NO!**

**Chapter thirteen! Yeah! I need to work on my other fics, but I'm on a roll with this one. Can't stop! **

**I watched the TT lost episode. I thought it was pretty funny, especially the end. That episode was so delightfully pointless. I wish it would have been longer. **

"_**Please don't be afraid**_

_**As the darkness fades away**_

_**Dawn will break the silence**_

_**Of screaming in our minds**_

_**My love for you still grows **_

_**This I do for you**_

_**For I've tried to find the truth**_

_**In my final time"**_

_**-Evanescence**_

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It was another bright morning in Titans Tower. The sun was shining, Cyborg was making pancakes, and everyone was trying to convince Raven to accompany the group to the mall.

"Please, friend Raven, it would be very enjoyable! Perhaps we could even venture into the place of the arcade and watch Cyborg and Beast Boy engage in battle on the tiny screens!" Starfire said.

"No thanks," Raven said, not looking up from her book. She was sitting at the table reading, and Beast Boy couldn't help but wish that the more emotional side of her would show more often. She seemed like an entirely different person than she had been last night. She seemed like a mere corpse compared to the warm, protective person she had been last night. He wondered sometimes if maybe there were two Ravens; one that hung out most of the time and was the one that most people knew, and one that only showed up when Beast Boy really needed her.

"Oh come on Raven. They have pizza. You know you love pizza," Cyborg said.

"Yeah, and you know you wanna see me kick Cy's butt at video games, arcade style!" Beast Boy said with a grin.

Raven happened to be glancing up when he said that, and that grin almost made her completely and totally lose control over all of her motor functions and collapse onto the table. She hid this well, though.

"Super. An opportunity to see you make a fool of yourself in _public_. I think I'll pass. I see that enough here," she said. Beast Boy did not appear to be hurt by this comment. Now that he was back to normal, he bounced back at a rapid rate. He dropped to his knees.

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease," he begged desperately, clasping his hands together and widening his eyes at her in what was very apparently a look of pleading. Raven sighed in disgust. It was irritating when he begged like this, never mind how she felt about him.

"Fine. I'll go just so you'll stop that," she said, giving him a warning glare. He got quickly to his feet, unable to hide his happiness even under the poison stare she was giving him.

"Awesome!" he said, clapping his hands together and looking like he was just seconds from dancing. "It's never the same without you."

The glare melted from her face at the sight of his grin and she turned her attention back to her book quickly before he saw her blushing.

**XXX**

Raven had always loathed the mall, with its bright lights, noisy crowds, and judging eyes. But as she walked in with her friends she tried to keep her mind off of these things and concentrate on the her goal: she was going to attempt to have some fun on this trip, as hard as it might be.

Naturally, the first stop was the small pizza place near the front doors. Everyone gorged themselves and then they headed for the arcade.

It had been almost an hour of challenges and flashing, beeping machines before Raven decided she couldn't take it anymore.

"I need to go," she said.

"Oh. Well, the bathroom is-"

"No, Beast Boy. I mean I need to go somewhere else. Tell them," she gestured to the others. Robin and Cyborg were playing a very loud video game and Starfire was cheering. "that I'll be back before they finish with this nonsense." she turned around to go. Beast Boy grabbed her arm, and she could feel her face starting to heat up a bit.

"Wait, can I come with you?" he asked, watching her intently for an answer. She shrugged. On one hand, it wouldn't be exactly a treat dragging Beast Boy along with her wherever she was going to go. But on the other hand, she really did enjoy his company, more indeed than she had in the past.

"Sure," she said, almost surprising herself with this answer. Beast Boy seemed slightly surprised too, and it took him a moment to follow as she walked out of the arcade. He practically had to jog to catch up. Raven walked in silence for a moment, very conscious of Beast Boy bouncing along beside her. "Why would you want to come with me, anyway?" she asked finally. Beast Boy didn't really need to consider this.

"I'd rather come with you than stay there, I guess. I like being with you," he answered, prompting Raven to blush slightly. She certainly was setting a new record for blushing today. This disgusted her. Raven…she just plain didn't like to do things like blush, especially not when it was because Beast Boy said he liked to be with her. She prayed that he wouldn't notice the pink tinge in her cheeks. Obviously, he didn't.

"So, where are we going?" he asked. Raven didn't answer. She wasn't exactly sure.

"I don't know. Let's…go in here," she said, veering sideways into the nearest store, desperate to get her mind off of him. Anything to go back to normal thoughts.

The store was one Raven visited on occasions when she _was _dragged along to the mall. It was full of odd antiques and other things that you didn't see every day. The lights were dim and the place carried plenty of old and interesting books. In short, Raven felt more at home here. The atmosphere of the place was creepy, and Raven was almost positive that the rest of the Titans would have some pretty negative things to say about it.

Desperate to get her mind on something that did not involve Beast Boy's words that still echoed in her mind, she walked over to the nearest rack and started looking at the items it carried. Beast Boy came up beside her without her noticing and nearly scared her out of her skin when he spoke.

"What _is_ this place?" he asked in a mixture of confusion and awe. "I mean geez, where do they find this stuff?"

"Everywhere," Raven answered, determined to keep her eyes on the rack. If she looked at him right now, she just might die. She just might come right out and tell him everything that she was feeling. The little nagging voice in the back of her mind reminded her that she had said she would try and embrace her emotions. '_I'll do it, I'll do it. Or at least sort them out. Just not right now.'_ she told it. She really didn't want to discover how she really felt when she was so near to him. She might lose her mind if she did that.

"Hey, Raven," said a slightly familiar voice. Raven looked up and saw the face of a girl with short spiked black hair standing behind the counter. She could recall vaguely having a couple of conversations with her the other times she had come into the store. Raven was barely able to get out a short greeting when the girl's eyes fell on Beast Boy. "Um, who's the freak?" she asked.

Raven bristled, a strange and defensive feeling rising inside her. "Leave him alone," she snapped coldly. "His name is Beast Boy and he is my friend."

"Whoa, calm down. I'm sorry," the girl said, holding out her hands in defense. Raven nodded.

"Forget it," she said. Beast Boy, who had been silent through this whole situation, was smiling fully at her when she looked at him. Raven seemed to liquefy inside all at once and couldn't help but smile back. There was a strange feeling between them, an attraction that both of them were aware of, something very deep and profound. It almost scared her. She needed to break this bond somehow before she went insane entirely. It felt like she would right now. It really did. This was madness. This was the most incredible feeling she had ever experienced in her life. It was an unrealistic high. She couldn't handle this right now.

"Whoo. I'm thirsty. You wanna go get a soda or something, Raven?" he asked, breaking the intense connection . Raven could have kissed him with gratitude. She felt more or less back to normal now.

"Yes," she said, surprising both of them with the eagerness in her voice. Beast Boy looked genuinely taken aback, but he was also happy that she was willing to do something with him, too.

"Who was that?" he asked as they exited the store. Raven shrugged.

"I talked to her a few times. People automatically think that means they have the right to make judgments on my friends," Raven said darkly as they walked on toward the food court.

"Thanks for sticking up for me back there," Beast Boy said, and she could tell that he meant it. "You've never really done anything like that before."

Raven didn't answer. She only nodded, and he decided to let that be good enough for him. Ever since he had discovered his feelings for Raven, he had been making small sacrifices. He was trying to be less irritating to her, he was trying to close his mouth when he sensed her get annoyed, and he tried desperately to understand her, to get some sort of a vague concept of what went on behind those violet eyes.

A few minutes later when they were settled at a table with sodas and surrounded by the irritating babble of other people, Beast Boy tried to think of something to say, something to talk about. He could think of nothing that he could talk about that might interest this beautiful, enigmatic girl who sat across the table from him with her deep purple eyes trained on the floor. She really was beautiful. He wondered why other guys never seemed to notice. Maybe it was because she was….'creepy', as he had said before. But now, he couldn't see how he could have possibly thought that. He could see nothing creepy about her now that he had gotten to know her a little better. People were afraid of what they couldn't understand, and automatically rejected things…or people….like Raven. It made Beast Boy angry. What the fuck was there to be afraid of? They didn't even know her. The injustice of the whole situation made him feel sick.

Raven seemed to sense him looking at her, and raised her eyes.

"So…." she muttered, swirling the straw around in her soda absentmindedly. "How are you?"

A pathetic attempt at conversation, yes, but Beast Boy noticed the significance in the fact that this was pretty much the first attempt she had made to actually talk to him that he could remember. It made him happy somewhere inside.

"Um…good," he said, surprised that he could actually say this when not very long ago he would have given anything to die. "What about you?"

"I'm…OK," Raven said, sounding like she had never really been asked that question before, much less given that answer. Beast Boy decided that maybe what she really needed was someone to make her think of herself more. She was so selfless. Raven sacrificed emotion, sacrificed her very happiness to keep others safe. He smiled at her, and she smiled back. Not a very big smile, but any smile on Raven's face was a huge change. He still was full of wonder at how it transformed her whole face. And as he sat there, he was struck with a thought.

Beast Boy would do anything for Raven. He would die for her, he would rip out his own liver for her. He couldn't even imagine what his life would be like without her in it, he couldn't imagine surviving without her, and he couldn't imagine wanting to. Whenever Beast Boy was around Raven, everything else disappeared and she was all he could see, all he cared about. He could spend forever with Raven and never get tired of hearing that emotionless but wonderful voice making sarcastic comments over what he said and sighing in disgust at his jokes. He was pretty sure he would never get tired of endlessly going on and on, just struggling to see her smile. He couldn't even imagine wanting to give up his never ending quest to make her laugh, just for what it would bring if he succeeded. He would be content for hours just sitting there and watching her meditate. He didn't care what he was doing, just as long as he got the chance to be with her.

Hadn't Robin and anyone else he'd ever heard talk about it said that was what love felt like? Maybe this was how it felt to be in love. Maybe he loved her.

And the more he sat there staring determinedly into those violet eyes, the more he thought that it just might be true. If it wasn't, it had to be getting close. Almost dangerously close. It wasn't right. It wasn't safe. He wondered if this was how Raven felt. She felt these emotions, but she knew it wasn't right, and no matter how much she wanted to feel them she had to ignore them. He felt extremely close to her just then.

And he realized that you couldn't hide from emotion just because of the possible consequences. He couldn't change the way he felt about Raven. He would never be able to change it. He could accept his feelings, and accept her just the way she was. He didn't want her to change in any way for him. She was perfect just as she was. He could accept every little flaw, every thing that bothered him about her. Most people would want to change her, make her a different person and then want to be with her. He didn't _need _her to change. He wanted her just the way she was.

That was love.

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**YAY! About time you figured that out, BB! I'll get the next chapter written as soon as I can figure something out. **


	14. Hooked on a Feeling

**Disclaimer: Woo! **

**Chapter fourteen. Hoorah. What an accomplishment. I feel special. I like cake. **

**Hope you enjoy. **

**And thanks so much you guys for the reviews so far. I don't think I've_ ever _gotten this many reviews for a story. You have made me a very happy Moonchild! Seriously, don't think it's not a big thing, it is to me. **

**I'll try to get the next chapter up soon. **

**Wow. 'Birthmark' was slightly unsettling. Made me worry about Raven. I wonder what's going to happen next. **

**Toward the end of this chapter, it gets a bit sappy. Heh. I will beat myself with a shovel, now. **

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Beast Boy wandered absentmindedly onto the roof, in a daze. It had been a few minutes since they'd gotten back from the mall, and he was still bewildered. He loved Raven. He, Beast Boy, was in love. With Raven. One of the last people he had ever expected to be his first love. He had never thought he'd get close enough to her to actually fall in love with her.

He was extremely happy, now, that Raven had saved him. If she hadn't, he would never have known what love felt like. He felt glad to be alive, glad to feel the cool breeze against his face. He was filled with the simple joy of just existing and knowing everything was alright. And then he felt a twinge of sadness. Terra would never get to feel like this again.

Terra.

Beast Boy felt extremely guilty for not thinking of her much today, being much too preoccupied with Raven. He had promised himself that he would think of Terra often, and that he would never allow himself to really forget her. He still had the chance to think of her now, and he let his mind wander.

He wondered what Terra would say if she knew that he was in love with Raven. She would congratulate him, no matter what her feelings were. She was his friend. That was what friends did. He imagined the entire conversation.

"_So, you love Raven, huh_?" Terra would ask. Beast Boy would nod.

"_Weird, huh?_" he would say. Terra would shrug. Then she would get that deep look she got when she was thinking hard about something. Her brows would get slightly furrowed with concentration.

"_It's not really too weird if you think about it," _she would tell him.

"_Really_?" he would ask.

"_Really. I always kind of thought it would happen."_ she would grin. _"I think it's kind of cute._"

"_So it doesn't bother you?" _Beast Boy would ask in surprise. Terra would shrug.

"_Not really. I'll get over it_," she would say. _"I just want you to be happy."_

And then Beast Boy would tell her what a good friend she was and he would hug her, and say he was OK with it. And then maybe Terra would punch him on the arm and say something encouraging.

He really wished Terra were here now. Maybe then he would be able to figure out what to do. He really missed Terra, but it seemed like it was in a different way than before. It was no longer his heart aching with his feelings for her and knowing he would never be able to tell her how he felt. Now, it felt more like he would if Robin or Cyborg or Starfire died. He missed his friend.

There was a strange thud to his left, and he turned around and looked. A small, pale gray bird was lying on the rooftop beside him, barely moving. It had run into one of the volleyball poles (dumbass bird. They're in plain sight!), and was lying still on the ground, the only movement the rapid rising and falling of its tiny chest.

Very gently, Beast Boy slid his hands underneath the tiny bird and picked it up. It was very fragile, so helpless in his hands. He looked at it for a moment.

"Hey, little guy," he said quietly. It was very clear that the bird's wing was broken. There wasn't really much it could do. Beast Boy sat there staring at it. It almost reminded him of himself and his brief brush with death. It was lying there in the hands of another human, totally vulnerable. All he could do was trust that someone else could make it better. That was never a sure thing. "Hey, it's OK," he told the distressed animal.

"Who are you talking to?" said a very sudden voice, scaring Beast Boy out of his mind. He turned his head and saw Raven standing a few feet behind him, cloak and hair blowing slightly in the breeze. When he didn't answer, she walked over and sat down on his right side, looking at the small gray heap in his cupped hands.

"His wing is hurt," Beast Boy explained. Raven nodded. She leaned over slightly and put her hands on top of his, cupping the bird between the two sets of hands. Her hands stared to glow white, and a strange warmth grew in them, traveling over the bird and Beast Boy could feel it in the places where their hands touched. A few minutes later, Raven's hands turned back to their normal color, and she slid them off of the bird and rested them on Beast Boy's fingers to watch what was going to happen next.

The tiny creature hopped to its feet in Beast Boy's palms, standing there and blinking up at the two with its minuscule jewel-bright black eyes. Beast Boy inhaled sharply in wonder. The bird surprisingly sat there for a moment, and then it leaped off and with a flutter of small wings, it flew away from the Tower, across the bay and toward Jump City. They watched it go, leaving them behind with Raven's hands still on Beast Boy's.

She realized this, and blushing ever so slightly, she started to pull them away. But as she did this, Beast Boy clasped her fingers gently and held them there. Though she tried like mad to conceal it, Raven's blush grew several hundred times, her cheeks heating up severely. She could feel his fingers pressing against hers through his gloves. She didn't _want _to get this strange floating feeling inside when he touched her. But she did. He ran his gloved thumb gently back and forth over her index finger, and she nearly went out of her mind resisting the urge to touch him too.

"How do you do it?" he asked after a while, shaking Raven out of her daze.

"Do what?" she asked, watching the slow and hypnotic motion of his thumb across her finger.

"Every time I have a problem, you find some way to make it better. How do you care so much about other people all the time when you should be caring more about Raven?" he asked.

"I don't know. The needs of my friends are far more important than my own. It's a matter of priorities. If you're hurting, I need to do something about it. It doesn't matter about what I need then," Raven answered.

"But why?" Beast Boy asked, looking confused.

'_Because I'm fucking crazy about you, Beast Boy_,' Raven wanted to say. But she didn't.

"I don't know. It's just something that happens. Some things, it's best not to question," she said, hoping that it would be good enough for him. It seemed to be, because he didn't speak for a few minutes.

"Raven?" he asked finally.

"Yes?" Raven asked him softly.

"I just wanted to say that I-" he began. Raven almost passed out. "I…..I wanted to say thank you."

Raven was slightly disappointed, though she was careful not to let it show. '_What did you expect him to say? Tell you he has some kind of feelings for you?'_ she scolded herself mentally. "For what?" she asked out loud.

"For saving me. Jesus Christ, Raven, if you hadn't been there, I would be dead right now. You saved my life. I owe you my entire existence." he paused. "So, thanks. Thanks so much. I'm sorry I was so shitty about it at first," he said. "I was really a jerk."

"It's fine. You were desperate and depressed. It doesn't matter now," Raven said. "As long as you never try to harm yourself in any way ever again." she smiled. "And you're welcome."

Beast Boy grinned at her. "Aww. Raven….I….I…." he began, and then leaned forward and kissed her quickly on the lips. Raven melted completely. For the brief moment that their lips touched, Raven was completely and utterly happy. His lips fit onto hers like a key into a lock. It was almost as though they were designed to kiss each other.

Her cheeks an electric pink, Raven stared at him for a moment in wonder.

"That was for saving my life," he said, grinning.

Raven was having an astonishing amount of trouble breathing. It surprised her that her little green teammate could make her feel this way. She was surprised that he could get away with kissing her and still keep all of his limbs. She was surprised that he could kiss her and she would _like_ it. The truth was, she had liked it. Her lips were tingling from it.

Raven was confused by her feelings for him. It didn't make any sense. He was the complete and total opposite of what she had expected. He was the complete and total opposite of _her_, too. Maybe it was true that opposites did attract. Maybe it was supposed to happen.

Looking at him, she realized for the first time that he really was attractive. She had never thought of him this way before. She realized that she actually found his green skin endearing. He was slightly scrawny, it was true, but Raven had always been slightly grossed out by the body-builder type anyway. Raven thought that his pointed ears and fangs really gave him character and made him even more charming. Despite the fact that he was conscious to the evils of the world, there seemed to be an air off innocence about him. And what she loved most were his eyes, those deep green, honest eyes. Looking at them now, she thought that they were the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. He was so funny, she realized. She had always secretly liked his jokes in some small way. He was hilarious, he was kind, he was sincere. Why were her feelings so confusing?

Beast Boy watched her, surprised that she hadn't punched him for kissing her. She just sat there, _blushing _of all things, and watching him intently. He had never seen anyone look so beautiful. He didn't care what anyone else thought. He thought her grayish skin was lovely, he thought her purple hair was gorgeous, and he thought her eyes were the most beautiful shade of violet he had ever seen. It didn't matter if she was a little out of the ordinary. That was just fine with him. He was extremely out of the ordinary, too. She was unique, and it just made him love her more. He loved her more every second he looked at her. He knew that somewhere inside her, she was just a normal person. She had the capacity to laugh, to love, to cry. Just because it wasn't on the surface didn't mean it wasn't in there somewhere. He just wished he could find it.

They both exited their thoughts about each other at the same time and just sat there for a moment. Beast Boy slowly released Raven's hands. Raven pulled her hands back and dropped them into her lap, feeling foolish and glad beyond all reason that he hadn't been able to read those thoughts.

"So….." Beast Boy said. Raven coughed a few times.

"I have to…read," Raven said lamely, unable to think of a better excuse. She needed to think, to be alone, to meditate. She was completely off-center. She was a wreck. She needed to get herself in a better mental state before she made a complete idiot of herself. "I'll….see you later, Beast Boy."

Beast Boy nodded.

"Uh….yeah," he said. He watched her go silently, wishing he knew what to say.

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**I'll get the next chapter done as soon as possible. Beware the flying navel squid! **


	15. Between The Lines

**Disclaimer: Woo doo doo. (shoves toothpicks in her ears)**

**Chapter fifteen! The relentless Moonchild keeps burning her writing into your corneas! Enjoy yet another chapter fueled by chai tea. Here, have some! (hands you a steaming cup) Sit back and enjoy the show. **

**If any of you ever want to chat, you can email me about whatever. I won't bite anyone's head off, I promise! The email is in my bio. It's a long one and I'm too lazy to type it here. **

**This chapter contains references to the flying navel squid!**

**Note to ripper-rabbit: It's OK (pats shoulder). I'm sorry about Rachel. I don't know what happened, but I'm sorry you're sad. **

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Back in her room, Raven sat silently on her bed, absorbed in her meditation. It wasn't as relaxing as usual. Her mind kept wandering to Beast Boy. She squeezed her eyes shut so tightly that her face quivered.

"Azerath, Metrion, Zinthos," she said fiercely. "Azerath, Metrion, Zinthos. Azerath Metrion Zinthos azerathmetrionzinthos-" she stopped, opening her eyes and allowing herself to fall backward into a cushioned landing on her bed. She stared at the blank ceiling and sighed. "Why can't I make this go away?" she asked herself. She pressed her knuckles into her eye sockets. "What is wrong with me?" she touched the small gemstone on her brow chakra with one finger and sighed.

'_You know perfectly what's wrong with you,' _said the nasty little voice in the back of her head. _'You are going against everything that you stand for. Your sole objective in life is to avoid emotion at all costs, and look at yourself. You're falling head over heels for Beast Boy of all people. You are pathetic.'_

Raven ignored the voice for a moment. "Shut up. Emotions are not something you can always control."

'_They should be. You should be in control at all times. Need I remind you of your little problem?'_

"I said shut up. I am in control. Maybe I'm _choosing _to feel this way," Raven said, aware that she was talking to herself but she didn't care. At least she was releasing her feelings to someone.

'_If you were choosing to feel this way, you wouldn't be so confused about it,' _the voice nagged her. ;_You should obliterate all emotion for Beast Boy while there's still time.'_

"I can't do that I…I _won't _do that. I told Starfire that I was going to try and accept and embrace my emotions. So here it goes." she took several deep breaths. "I like Beast Boy. I am hopelessly attracted to Beast Boy. I can't stop thinking about Beast Boy. I need to embrace it. I am completely infatuated with Beast Boy, and I _want _to feel this way. Emotions are under my control. I can control this."

'_You can embrace it now. But what happens when it's something more? What happens if you fall in love with him? Then what? I know you aren't ready for love, Raven. I know you're afraid of love, Raven.' _

"Shut up!" Raven yelled, and a book that was sitting on her nightstand flew across the room and hit the wall. She paused, and immediately felt stupid. She was having a heated argument with herself. Wondering if she might be crazy, she sat up.

Love. Wow. Love was something she didn't want to think about right now. What if she _did _fall in love with Beast Boy? Then what would happen? The thought of the whole thing was terrifying. She didn't want to sit here in the dark and think about it anymore. She quickly slipped onto the floor. She walked over to the book she had accidentally tossed and picked it up, walking out of the room with it up against her chest as though it would offer her some kind of protection.

Raven was deeply perplexed, and she was paying little attention as she walked down the hall. She had been walking for only a few seconds before she ran into something solid and went flying backward onto the ground. She lay there blinking for a moment.

"Oh God Raven, I'm sorry," Beast Boy muttered quickly as he picked himself up off of the ground and retrieved her book. Raven shook her head around a few times and sat up. It took a moment for her to notice that the reason Beast Boy was holding a hand in front of her face was to help her to her feet, and she took it even though she didn't need the help.

"It's fine, really," she said as he handed her book back. She took it quickly and held it against herself again like a shield. Beast Boy was grinning at her, and she resisted a strong impulse to wrap her arms around him. Instead, she smiled slightly back at him, and continued her journey to the living room, noting that Beast Boy was walking along beside her.

"So….uh…whatcha reading?" he asked.

"A collection by Edgar Allan Poe," Raven answered plainly. "I've….read it about a thousand times, I guess."

Beast Boy nodded. He wished he hadn't brought up the topic. Aside from a few comics, he never really read for leisure. But he had a very deep wish somewhere inside to make her like him caused him to do the unthinkable.

"You think maybe I could borrow one of your books sometime?" he asked, sincerely hoping she wasn't going to kill him at the mere mention of him actually having possession of one of her belongings. She didn't deck him, however, and he was surprised.

"Sure," she said, surprising him even further. "You can borrow this one if you want. I know it well enough anyway. It won't be such a horrible tragedy if you destroy it."

Beast Boy wasn't exactly sure if she was joking or serious about him destroying it, but he decided to ignore it and took the book she had been carrying when she held it out to him. He stared at it as though it were a foreign object. It had been so long since he had held a book with any other intent than to throw it that it felt almost strange to him. He wasn't even sure if he liked reading. But he wanted to know. He wanted to have something in common with Raven, see inside something she had seen. He wanted to read the words she had read and have some knowledge inside of his head that would make them have another thing in common. He felt like somehow, if he read something that her eyes had once traveled over and devoured the things that they gave away he would be closer to her. That was something he wanted more than anything else; to be closer to Raven.

"Thanks," he said, still surprised.

"You you seriously want to read that?" Raven asked, looking slightly skeptical.

Beast Boy nodded. "Sure," he said.

The two of them reached the living room and sat down on the sofa. Robin and Cyborg were playing a video game and Starfire was in the kitchen stirring something that was a deep mauve color in a large stew pot. When Beast Boy sat down he cautiously cracked book open and looked at the front page.

For some reason, the words started to suck him in. He was almost captivated. She could hear Raven whispering her mantra at his side as she meditated, and he started to read.

"Yes!" Cyborg said. "I _so _beat you, Robin!" he was doing a ridiculous little victory dance on the sofa cushion. "Hey BB, you want me to kick your butt now?"

"Uh….sorry Cyborg. I'm reading," Beast Boy said.

"That sounds more disturbing than I thought it would," Raven said.

"Sheesh BB, did you lose part of your mind and replace it with Raven's?" Cyborg asked.

"Yeah, I did. I'm the dreaded flying navel squid!" Beast Boy said, putting the book down. "I'll steal your brain, too!" he leaped on Cyborg's head.

Cyborg let out a shriek of surprise and dropped his controller. Beast Boy dropped back onto the sofa, laughing hysterically.

"You should have seen your face!" he giggled, clutching his stomach.

"Oh, you won't be able to see anybody's face when I'm through with you!" Cyborg said in a mock threatening voice, standing up. Beast Boy made a run for it, but Cyborg made a spectacular jump and grabbed his legs, pulling him down.

"Eeek!" Beast Boy squeaked, pretending to be a little girl. Cyborg grabbed a pillow from the sofa and started hitting Beast Boy with it.

"Come on Robin, join in!" Cyborg said.

"I don't think I-" Robin began. Cyborg threw a pillow into his face. "Oh, it's on!" Robin said, grabbing the pillow and leaping over to where Beast Boy and Cyborg were in on single Matrix-style jump. He started beating the two of them.

"Come on Raven!" Beast Boy (who was now also in possession of a pillow and was waling on the other two) called.

A pillow surrounded by black psychic energy flew into Beast Boy's chest and knocked him backward.

"No fair!" he said, picking himself up. "No powers!"

"If you got 'em, you might as well use 'em," Robin said cheerfully. Another black-encased pillow flew across the room and hit him in the face. Raven sat on the sofa whistling innocently. "I saw that!" Robin said, hurling a pillow at Raven, who stopped it in midair and sent it flying at him.

"Friends, you are killing each other?" Starfire asked in alarm from the doorway. There was a pause.

"Um, no Star. It's a pillow fight. It's fun," Beast Boy said.

"I wish to engage in one of these 'pillow fights'," Starfire said.

Beast Boy happily grabbed a pillow. "Here!" he said, handing it to her. "Just….beat on whoever comes near you with it. It's soft, so you can really put some power into it!" he demonstrated by bringing his pillow down forcefully on Robin's head.

Starfire giggled. "It looks most enjoyable," she said, bapping Cyborg on the arm with her pillow. "Oh, I love it!"

In a matter of seconds, the pillow fight resumed at full force. There was beating and walloping and a great deal more verbs that I am too lazy to type before it all ended with the Titans sitting around sweating and laughing, Starfire just happening to be on Robin's lap.

"That was wondrous! We must have many more of this 'pillow fights' in the future!" she said.

"Yeah. That was awesome!" Beast Boy giggled.

"Yeah. We really gotta let go and be childish more often," Cyborg said.

"It does provide a nice opportunity for me to beat Beast Boy without it being wrong," Raven said, but Beast Boy could tell she didn't mean it.

"Well, it's fun. We can just call it combat training," Robin said, flinging his pillow into Cyborg's face.

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**Well, that was a fun chapter. I'll get the next one up pretty soon. Wow, scary, Beast Boy was _reading_. This has to be a sign of the apocalypse. You really need to watch out for that flying navel squid. You never know when it's gonna get you. **


	16. Love and War

**Disclaimer: BARG! **

**Wow. Chapter sixteen. YAY! More and more seeps from my writey fingers! I can't stop writing this. It's an addiction. Snur. I wonder what's going to happen next?**

**This chapter includes another fucked up dream sequence. This one is Raven's. Don't _even _try and convince me that only crazy people dream in color. I dream in color. Yay! **

**An accomplishment! This is my longest fic so far and it still has a long way to go. Woot!**

**Wow. My two year anniversary was last week. I feel special. Why am I still talking? You should be reading the chapter. I'll be quiet now (shoves sock in mouth). **

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"_Leave me alone!" Raven shrieked, struggling against the tight bindings around her body. She was bound at the waist, ankles, and wrists to what she believed to be a large stone cross. By the look of the surroundings, she was in a graveyard. She had no idea why she was here, but she just knew she needed out, fast. The dark figure before her, whose face she could not see, only laughed coldly at her. _

"_I'm afraid that's not going to happen," he said. She could only see the eyes of the shadowy face. They were cold and cruel and a deep purple, the same color as her own. He stepped forward slightly and put a hand under her chin. "We have so much to do." there was something horribly sadistic and menacing about the way he said this. _

_Raven jerked her chin out of his grasp. "Get the hell away from me! Don't you fucking touch me!"_

"_There's no need for such language, my dear," he said civilly, sounding a bit amused at her anger. "You don't need to get so angry. You _can't _get so angry. It's not safe. You know it. You'll just be consumed," his voice grew more sinister with every word. "So just calm down." he placed a hand on her cheek.. _

_Raven's powers didn't seem to be working. She tried desperately to free herself with them, but nothing happened. She tried to free herself with her own human strength, and that didn't seem to be working, either. She was tightly, hopelessly bound. This was what she hated most all combined; being out of control, being helpless, and being touched against her will. _

"_Don't…..touch…..me," she snarled, pure venom dripping from her every syllable. "Or I will destroy you."_

_The man's laugh was full of pure mirth this time. She could clearly see the dagger in his other hand. Raven was filled with a complete and total wave of molten rage. She could barely see through her fury. The fact that nothing was exploding or bursting into flames was probably due to the fact that her powers seemed to be gone completely. She was totally out of control. _

"_If you do anything to me, I swear I'll-" she began. _

"_You'll **what**? There's really nothing you can do. There's nothing you can do but just sit there and let me hurt you," the evil voice said. "You need to learn to let go. You need to let yourself be out of control."_

"_I won't," Raven hissed. "You can't make me do anything. I don't care if you did something to my powers. I'll still-"_

_The man was laughing hysterically as he raised the dagger over her. Raven was near to tears of rage. And suddenly the man stopped. He put his hands to his head, clutching his hair. _

"_No. You can't make me!" he said, his voice losing its malice. "Please, don't make me hurt her." his voice was changing structure, becoming less manly, and when he looked up the eyes were green. _

"_Shut up!" said the cruel voice, and the eyes turned violet once more and the dagger raised. It was evident now that the voice wasn't coming from his mouth. It seemed to be coming from an unseen source. _

"_No!" said the younger voice, the familiar voice. There was defiance in the tone, a desperate need to resist. "You…can't make me!" The green eyes returned and he collapsed to his knees. For some reason, Raven was reminded strongly of Terra, but she knew that this wasn't Terra. "Go….away!" he screamed, throwing the dagger into the dirt and digging his nails into his scalp. He sat there on his knees for a moment, panting heavily. He raised his head and looked at her, and as a shaft of moonlight fell over his face, Raven saw that it was Beast Boy. She was surprised that she hadn't realized this before. _

"_B-Beast Boy?" she stammered in surprise. He got quickly to his feet. He was trembling as he undid her bindings as quickly as he could. When Raven finally dropped to her feet, she was overcome with a tide of relief. She was back in control, now. She rubbed her wrists, which were raw from where the rope had rubbed. Beast Boy was shaking even harder now. _

"_Raven, I am so sorry," he said. "I almost…oh God. I almost…" he couldn't even say the words. He looked like he was going to throw up. "I almost…killed you. I killed Terra, too. It was my fault she died. If I would have been there in time-"_

"_Oh, Beast Boy," Raven said softly, staring into the wide green eyes. She could think of nothing to say for a moment. "No, Terra's death wasn't your fault. You did all you could. And you didn't kill me. That's all that matters. I know you would never hurt me."_

_Beast Boy smiled at her. "Yeah. I could never hurt you, Rae," he said. Raven smiled back for a moment, and then became serious again. _

"_Beast Boy, I need to tell you something," she said. _

"_Sure. What is it?" Beast Boy asked, looking slightly worried. Raven breathed deeply several times. _

"_Beast Boy I…I've been thinking a lot and I realized that I…." she swallowed a few times and struggled to keep speaking. "I love you," she said finally. "I don't know how or why, because I'm not even supposed to let myself feel anything. But I…I love you. I can't help it, I can't stop it, I can't control it. I just love you."_

_Beast Boy stared back in surprise for a moment, his eyes wide. "I…I love you too," he stammered, looking shocked at Raven's words. "I've loved you for a long time…but I never really thought you would ever feel the same way."_

_And as he said this, a wave of the most unbelievable feeling Raven had ever experienced ran through her entire body. It was warm and content, and completely and totally joyful. She felt like Starfire on ecstasy. She had never known such a feeling before, and she had no idea how to react. _

_And then suddenly Beast Boy was lunging for her and had wrapped his arms around her. Raven returned the embrace forcefully, and before she knew what was going on, his lips were pressed against hers and she was kissing him back. All she knew was that she loved him. She loved him so much. A million thoughts were running through her head. Warnings to herself to pull away sounded repeatedly and the more practical side of her was laughing at her actions. But all she could do was kiss Beast Boy like the world was crashing down around them…._

Raven opened her eyes. She was in her room, on her bed. She realized that she had been dreaming , and felt stupid. She had been attempting to sort out her feelings for Beast Boy, and she must have fallen asleep in the process. She was still filled with that warm, jubilant feeling. It quickly dissipated when she realized how much meaning that dream had really had.

Dreams could mean nothing. It was possible that it was just her tired brain screwing with her.

But as she thought about it, Raven realized that her dream really did mean something. Love was never a definite thing. You couldn't usually differentiate between the two easily. As she thought of Beast Boy, though, she was pretty sure of it. She was in love. No one had ever made her feel this way before. No one had ever made her this happy just by being around. No one had ever made her want to be around them so much. When she had fallen asleep, she had been deeply smitten, but she had had many revelations and it was all coming together. It explained the strange, intense feeling she got whenever he looked into her eyes. It explained how she wanted to keep him safe from all harm. It explained everything strange that had been going on lately. Raven loved Beast Boy. It was suddenly very clear.

The ecstatic feeling was replaced by terror.

Raven loved Beast Boy.

This was not good. Not good at all.

The concept of love terrified Raven. It always had. It felt like giving away a very personal part of her soul. She had never had to think about it before. This was not a recent thing, she realized. She had loved Beast Boy for a while now if her intuition was correct. She was filled with a strong worry. Raven had no idea how to handle this. It produced a strong lump in her throat and she was surprised. She stood up, and caught sigh of herself in the mirror.

"I don't love him," she said aloud to the loathsome reflection, gritting her teeth as her mind told her how very wrong she was. She did love him. There was nowhere to hide. There was no way around it. She had been stripped of all her cover and was left in the open with no way to escape the truth. "I don't love him," she told her reflection, as though it had argued with her. "I can't love him. Things like that don't happen to people like me. I don't deserve to love." the reflection only mouthed her words as she said them and left her with nothing. "I can't love him!" she said loudly, slamming her fist into the mirror and feeling it shatter beneath her fist, sharp little flakes of glass cutting into her knuckles. Sharp pricks of pain followed this action and she pulled her hand back as though she were surprised, staring blankly at her wounded hand.

There was something satisfactory about the pain that released something inside. She knelt down and grabbed a shard of glass from the floor. "I can't love him," she repeated over and over again like a mantra. "I can't love him….I can't love him….I love him! Look at you, you stupid little girl!" she snapped at herself. "You are pathetic. You love him and you don't even know why!" she whipped the jagged piece of glass downward. " Wake up you stupid whore! **You can't love!**" she roared, slashing the glass against her arm. It cut through her leotard and sliced the flesh beneath. She did this several times, breathing getting heavier.

The blood was welling up on her fingers and her arm as she looked desperately for an escape. She climbed shakily to her feet, her breathing ragged. She walked toward her door. She started down the hall. She was walking in an unknown direction. And then hurrying. She was jogging. And then she was running.

She wasn't sure where she was running to. She wasn't even sure why she was running. The thing she was trying to escape was inside of her. There was no way to get away.

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**Oh, the drama. I'll update soon. **


	17. Deafening Whisper

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing. I do own the plot, though. **

**Blar! Chapter seventeen! Enjoy it! Thanks again for the reviews! (hugs)**

**If you have the opportunity, listen to 'Understanding' by Evanescence. I swear, that should be this fic's theme song. It's a really good song. **

**Starfire: "Watch out! Chapter seventeen is here! It might bite your grubnacks!"**

**Robin: "Do I _want _to know what you're talking about?"**

**Terra: "Probably not."**

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"_**It's human nature. We all try to find an excuse for who we are."  
**__**-Robin**_

_**

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Raven's breath was getting shallow as she burst out into the clean night air on the roof. She collapsed to her knees and to her own surprise she started to sob openly, covering her face with her hands. She was so overcome by intense emotion that she didn't even care about preserving her dignity. Emotion. And nothing was going wrong. This certainly felt like a violent emotion, and she wondered why there didn't seem to be destruction going on. Maybe there _was _destruction going on. Maybe it was just inside of her. Raven didn't care at the moment. She just wanted to be numb. '_Just make it go away'_ she thought. But she couldn't cry it all away.

Raven could have sworn that her soul was being torn out through her chest. She wasn't even sure what she was feeling. She was so confused, so afraid, and so ashamed that she had lost control at her own expense. The cuts on her forearm stung sharply, and she hated herself for putting them there. All she could think of was to pour out her feelings in tears. She couldn't tell herself to get over it. All she could do was cry. Raven had always had the vague knowledge that she was alone, but she had never felt it like this. She felt like she was trapped in a hole where no one could ever find her. No one was ever going to hear her. No one was going to be able to make it better. She was going to be stuck here in this bottomless pit forevermore…

"Raven?" she heard from somewhere nearby. The sound of a voice was like a light in the darkness, and she felt a tide of relief flood her. Someone was there. She wasn't alone. Someone could hear her. The reality of her situation washed over her and the terrible drama ebbed. She looked up and saw the blurry outline of Beast Boy, holding a book and a flashlight. He shut the flashlight off and crawled over to her. "Dude, are you OK?" his voice held genuine concern. She felt so much less alone.

Raven tried to say yes, tried to nod, but all she could do was shake her head. She couldn't lie to him.

"What's the matter?" he asked. Raven only shook her head again. Beast Boy felt helpless. He had never in his life seen Raven cry. Now that it was happening, he had no idea what to do. He was so confused, he didn't know what could possibly be the matter with her. It hurt him so much to see her crying like this. His heart ached sharply. "Is there anything I can do?"

Raven latched onto him and hugged him tightly. Beast Boy knew that this was her answering his question. He dropped the flashlight and Raven's Poe book that he had been reading and hugged her back. She was shaking violently with sobs and he couldn't help but wonder if this was really Raven. Maybe it was just an imposter or something, because the Raven he knew rarely let go like this. She had never seemed so completely out of control.

"It's OK," he said quietly, hoping that he could let her know it was going to be alright and that it was OK for her to cry all at once. She had comforted him in his times of need so many times, and now he wished he knew what to do for her. All he could do was hug her tightly and let her cry. Beast Boy was surprised that someone like Raven could be capable of so many tears. He supposed it was just like what people said. The longer you kept everything bottled up inside, the more there is to let out when you finally do. And Raven certainly was letting out a lot. It made him feel so powerless, like he could do nothing to comfort her. He rubbed her back gently with one hand in hopes that this would help calm her a bit. He didn't know if it did, because all that happened was that she hugged him even harder. But then her sobs died down a bit after a few minutes. He kept up the soothing motion, and eventually her cries ceased entirely.

"Oh, Beast Boy," she muttered. She was still shaking violently even without her tears. He wondered what could possibly be bothering her so much, but he didn't dare bring it up at the moment.

"It's gonna be OK. I promise," he whispered into her hair. She slowly stopped trembling and clung to him in stillness. Her only movement was her chest rising and falling lightly against his. He was so relieved that she wasn't crying anymore. It had been tearing him apart inside. He wondered if she could tell right now how much he loved being close to her, how much he just loved to sit there in silence and concentrate on her breathing, how much he loved _her_. She felt so warm against him, so innocent in his arms, and it seemed like a crime that he couldn't tell her how he felt. It felt as though he was alive for her alone. The soft, vital thudding of her heart against his chest made him feel happy beyond all reason. She was alive, and as long as she was he would be happy. Hiding his feelings was killing him, but he knew it was something he had to do.

Very, very slowly, Raven drew back from him and he quickly freed her from his arms. His sensitive nose noticed for the first time a distinct metallic scent of blood, and he was slightly confused. He pushed it aside in his mind.

"Thank you Beast Boy," Raven said quietly. The two of them sat there in silence for a moment, looking at anything but each other. Beast Boy lifted his hand and wiped the tears from her cheeks gently.

"So…um…you wanna tell me what's the matter?" he asked. Raven looked at him for a moment, and then shook her head, lowering her eyes.

"I can't," she said softly.

"Why not?"

"I just can't," she told him, her normal tone returning for a moment. She was avoiding his eyes.

"Oh come on Raven, you can tell me," he said, placing a hand on her arm. He was instantly aware of the fact that her arm was wet. He drew his hand back and looked closer. The blood that was soaking into her leotard around the slash marks in the material gave off a slight shine in the moonlight. He was instantly alarmed. Before Raven could protest, he yanked the sleeve of her leotard up, revealing the four deep cuts in the pale flesh of her arm. They were still bleeding and had obviously been done very recently. He inhaled sharply and stared at her with frightened eyes. "Raven, did you-" he was unable to finish at first. "Did you do this?"

Raven looked up at him, her face trembling. She looked horrified at being discovered, like a bird in its nest when it realizes that someone knows it's there. Her eyes were wider than normal and they stared at him with a mixture of guilt and fear. "Yes," she fairly whispered.

"Raven," Beast Boy said sternly. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"I don't know," she whispered meekly. "I just….I wasn't…" there was no way she could finish that sentence in coherent words, and she closed her mouth.

Without a word, Beast Boy rolled up his sleeves and held his arms out to her. The light of the moon illuminated the sight before her. The smooth green flesh of his arms was marred by innumerable cuts. They were obviously not recent: they had all scabbed over and were healing quite well. But the fact that they were there at all, along with the sheer number of them, alarmed Raven severely.

"You never want to end up like this, Raven! You know what happens? You cut yourself to make it go away, and after a while it stops working. And so you do what I did. You take more drastic measures to make the pain go away," he said, and Raven glanced at his wrists quickly, knowing what he meant. The memory of them gaping open, looming before her like the maw of some horrible monster, ran though her mind and she almost threw up.

"Beast Boy I…I'm so sorry," she said quietly, watching him roll his sleeves back up.

"Don't be sorry. Just _never_ do that again. You have no idea how much it would hurt me if anything happened to you," Beast Boy answered. He was looking straight into her eyes and she could tell how serious he was about those words.

"Really?" she asked uncertainly.

"Really," he said. He slipped off one of his gloves, reaching for her hand, which was lying limply on her knee, and held it tightly in his to prove his point. "You are the best friend I've ever had in my life. If I ever lost you, I don't know how I'd survive." he carefully laced his fingers with hers and gave her hand a squeeze.

Raven was slightly shocked by the abrupt sensation of his skin against hers. She had never really touched him without some thin barrier separating their flesh, and here he was holding her hand. His hand was warm, and if she concentrated enough she could feel his pulse slightly. She felt slightly intoxicated. She was almost overwhelmed by a strong desire to throw herself on him and kiss him. She had never experienced such a strong feeling of love like this before. It made her breath come shakily and her eyes almost start to tear up again. She had never imagined that she could actually love, or that it would feel this wonderful. Just because she was afraid of it didn't mean she didn't still like it. Now that the initial shock had worn off and she was willing to accept the way she felt about him, she really did like the feeling it gave her. She didn't deserve to love, but it was happening either way.

Raven didn't feel like herself. Normally, if someone tried to hold her hand, she would pull away quickly and have some sarcastic remark ready, or perhaps even a smack into the person's face. But now she only sat in silence and stared. This was what love was doing to her. It was making her an entirely different person around Beast Boy.

Maybe that was why she feared it so much.

Beast Boy desperately wanted to speak. He wanted to burst out and tell her how completely and sincerely he loved her and how he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life- wait. Where had that come from? He hadn't realized he felt that way until this moment. He really _did_ want to be with her for the rest of his life.

'_Just tell her you love her_,' he thought. _'Say something. Say anything. Don't just sit here like an idiot.' _

Instead of speaking, he let go of her hand and slowly pulled his glove back on. He felt stupid and strangled himself mentally. He had had the perfect moment to tell her how he felt and he had chickened out. That long, profound silence had been an ideal window of opportunity, almost like one of those cheesy scenes in the romance movies that he detested so much, and he had missed it. The silence stretched wide between them.

"Um…you should probably get rid of those," he said, pointing to Raven's arm. Raven nodded. A single glowing white hand hovered over her arm, and in a moment there was no sign of any wound. She pulled her sleeve back down and proceeded to heal the cuts on Beast Boy's arms.

"Those powers sure come in handy. Thanks, you didn't need to do that," he said as she pulled her hands back.

"I know. I wanted to. Now both of us are healed. We can start over, and not do that again," Raven said, feeling very stupid after she said this.

"Too bad you can't start life over," Beast Boy said thoughtfully. Raven nodded.

"Some things are best left alone," she said. She paused. "Beast Boy?"

"Hm?"

"I'm really, truly glad beyond all reason that I found you before it was too late. I'm glad that you're alive," Raven said.

"Really? I would've thought you'd like a permanent vacation from my stupidity," Beast Boy joked.

"Don't _ever _say that," Raven said severely. "Don't even joke about it. I would _never _want a break from you." were these words really coming out of Raven's own mouth? She felt like she couldn't control her tongue.

"Are you serious? I mean….not even for a while?" Beast Boy ventured.

"Not even for a while," Raven said. "I love having you around." she almost accidentally added _'and I love you'_, but she caught herself before it came out.

"I'll remind you of that next time you're screaming at me," Beast Boy said, smiling.

"I look forward to it," Raven said with a hint of her usual sarcasm, and for some reason Beast Boy was actually glad for a glimpse of Raven's usual self.

"Aww, come here," he said. Raven moved cautiously forward with a look of suspicion on her face, and he hugged her. She returned the embrace. Beast Boy rested his head on her shoulder, feeling completely content for a moment. He very cautiously kissed her cheek, and she didn't seem in the least bit alarmed for some reason. They sat there in silence for a moment, Beast Boy willing himself to kiss her for real again. He couldn't bring himself to do it.

"We should go inside," Raven said very suddenly, breaking away from him. "It's getting late-I mean it's getting early."

This was true. Faint hints of sunrise were showing on the horizon. Beast Boy retrieved the book and flashlight.

"Yeah," he agreed. They started inside.

When they reached Raven's door, she wanted nothing more than to look Beast Boy straight in the eye and tell him how much she loved him, and let whatever might happen then happen.

But she didn't. She said goodnight to Beast Boy and turned calmly and went into her room.

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**Dammit, Raven!**


	18. Why the Mustard Loves the Waffle

**Disclaimer: RAR! **

**Sorry for the long wait. I got a bit stuck in the middle of this chapter. **

**Chapter eighteen! Woot! Yes, the inevitable is happening. This is a Robin/Starfire chapter. You knew it was going to happen eventually, didn't you? I think this story seems a bit predictable. I'm not so good at RobStar, but I'll do my best. I just think they're so cute together! I couldn't resist putting this chapter. Sorry Robin is OOC, because I know he is. **

**I can't believe that my two-year anniversary was a few weeks ago! It doesn't seem like it's been that long. I can't believe how much I've written in two years. **

**Well, enjoy yet another chapter. And thanks again! (hugs reviewers) You make the writing worthwhile! 101 reviewsThat is so awesome! This has been my dream every since I started writing on fanfiction. You guys are the greatest!**

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The rising sun gave the living room a faint pink glow, making everything look rosy and soft. During the day, the large metal-and-glass T was a place of hustle and bustle, action, and loud voices. Now, in the early morning, it was an entirely different world. A world of quiet and mystery and a sense of apprehension for the day that was soon to come. A kind of magical silence lingered in the air, something calm and desperate all at once. The Tower even smelled different, tasted different, felt different in the magical time before the world came to life for the day.

Robin sat in silence on the sofa, staring out the window. The sunrise colored the bay a watery pink that matched the living room. It had been a while since he had been up early enough to see the sunrise. It made him feel privileged. Lately he had been sleeping in to avoid his thoughts. Being out here now, so alone, there was no way to escape them.

Robin watched the rose-colored waters of the bay ripple in the placid morning breeze outside the large window. He gave a sigh. He felt so powerless at the moment. He knew what he should be doing right now. He should be marching right into her room-never mind what time it was, knocking on the door, looking her in the eye, and telling her the truth. But instead he was sitting here doing nothing like a little stubborn child.

Robin couldn't help but remember what Beast Boy had told him. He knew he shouldn't be afraid to love Starfire. He knew it wouldn't solve anything. But he was afraid anyway. It wasn't something he could really explain. He was afraid of letting people get too close, maybe that was it. He was tired of being afraid.

Robin made up his mind right then and there that the next time he saw Star alone, he was going to explain exactly how he felt about her. He had loved her for longer than he had ever thought it possible for feelings to last when they weren't acted upon. It was time to do something.

"I can't be afraid anymore," he told himself aloud, feeling very daring at the moment.

"Robin, you are afraid?" asked a voice from behind him. Robin nearly jumped out of his skin. He whipped around on the sofa to face the speaker, though he didn't need to look to recognize that voice.

"Starfire!" he gasped in surprise, staring at her through his mask, which was stretched on the eyes to unimaginable proportions with his shock. "What-what are you doing up?"

"I was having trouble with sleeping," she replied. "I was about to inquire the same of you."

"Oh. I was just looking at the bay," Robin said quickly.

"May I join you?" Starfire asked. Robin nodded slowly, and she moved across the room and sat down beside him. Her arm brushed his as she did so, and Robin could feel himself blushing slightly at the soft touch of her warm skin against his own. He was relieved that she couldn't see. She was looking out the window. "It is beautiful," Star said.

"Yeah," Robin agreed. He wished that he could think of what to say. He had promised himself that he was going to tell her how he really felt. "It is."

Instead of speaking, Robin let silence stretch between them, the awkwardness mounting. Robin decided that he was going to have to get it over with one way or another . Praying it wasn't going to end up as horribly as his mind had imagined it, he took several deep breaths and gathered himself.

Robin had fought countless villains, defeated countless evils, gone through more physical agony than was probably normal, dealt with more horror than any normal teenager should, and still this was the hardest thing he had ever done in his life. His hands were starting to shake horribly. He didn't feel like himself at all. Robin slowly opened his mouth.

"Sta…..Starfire?" he asked in a rather strangled voice. Starfire looked at him.

"Yes?" she asked. Robin wondered how she could be so calm when he was practically exploding inside.

"I…I um…..I need to tell you something," Robin said, regaining his composure pretty well. He forced himself to look her straight in the eye.

"I am sensing that this is important?" Starfire asked.

"Very," Robin answered.

"What is it?"

"OK, it's like this….I….I….." Robin struggled to find something to say, find some way to express it. He said the first thing that came to mind. "It's like….mustard and waffles."

Starfire looked confused. "Robin?" she asked. "What do you mean?"

Robin gulped. "Well….you love waffles with mustard. Mustard and waffles are great separately, but together, they're even better, and it just seems like it's…. right." Robin was starting to feel exceptionally stupid, but he couldn't seem to make himself shut up. "When the mustard is by itself, it feels OK. But when the mustard is with the waffle…..the mustard feels great….better than it has in its life."

Starfire nodded. "Alright. I am sure that if mustard had feelings that would be how it saw things."

"Yeah. And…the mustard has realized that it loves the waffle. It was afraid for a while, but now it knows that the only way it can be truly happy is to be with the waffle. The mustard knows that it and the waffle are completely different, opposites, basically. The mustard is kind of bitter, and it doesn't really work with most foods. The waffle is sweet and everybody loves a good waffle. But…the mustard doesn't care about differences. The mustard wants to be with the waffle until the end of all eternity," Robin said.

Starfire nodded very slowly, looking puzzled. "Yes, that is very nice that the mustard feels this way. But…Friend Robin, why are we talking about food? I am feeling that it is strange to discuss the emotions of earthly condiments," she said.

Robin slapped a hand against his forehead, realizing the stupid, pointless rant about his feelings he had gone off into. Why wouldn't he control his mouth? "Crap. Star, I'm sorry. What I really meant was…I…wasn't really talking about mustard. I was talking about….me."

"You?" Starfire asked.

"Yeah. All that stuff I just said about the mustard's feelings toward the…..um….waffle…I was talking about my feelings. I guess that what I'm really trying to say is that I….I love you, Star," Robin said nervously.

Starfire looked surprised for a moment. Robin felt that his worst fears were confirmed, but then she smiled at him.

"I am very glad that you have told me this. Robin, you are my best friend," Starfire said. Robin's face fell. "_But _I have come to discover that for a very long time, the things I felt for you were not the normal type of emotions one is supposed to feel for a friend. It has always been much more. I care for you greatly, Robin, and I am _very _glad you have told me of your feelings," she said, and paused. "Because I love you too."

Robin had been wishing, hoping with every fiber of his being that she was going to say this, stretched to the breaking point with apprehension for the words she was about to say, and now that she had said it, he was almost taken aback. "Seriously?" he asked.

Starfire nodded. "I have loved you for a very long time, Robin," she said, smiling. Robin could feel a ridiculous grin spreading over his face. "And I wish to be with you, too."

Robin was pretty sure his face was going to fall off. He could not recall ever smiling like this before. "Wow Star," he said, still surprised. "I never really thought you….wow." Starfire was smiling back, and the comfortable silence reigned for a moment as they stared wordlessly into each other's eyes.

And then suddenly Starfire was kissing him. At first, Robin was too shocked to move. He was set so far off balance by someone being close to him: it wasn't something he was used to. Starfire was indeed close to him, she was _kissing _him for God's sake. This was not something he was normally comfortable with. But this was Starfire. He could make an exception for her. After a moment of hesitation, he started kissing her back. She wrapped her arms around him and he returned the embrace, completely and totally content for the first time he could remember in a very long time. All of the confusion he had been feeling lately melted away and he was left with nothing but a complete feeling of wholeness. There was nothing else in the world at the moment, only that small spot on the sofa in Titans Tower, he and Starfire were the only people in the universe for just a moment. Nothing could have pulled his lips from hers at that moment…except for a desperate need for oxygen. The inevitable happened, and two broke apart, struggling to breathe normally. Starfire was blushing slightly, and Robin realized that he was too.

"Wow," was all he could say, still holding her in his arms.

"Yes," Starfire said softly. She rested her head on his chest and there was a moment of silence.

"Star, thanks," Robin said. "For making me feel whole."

Starfire smiled and kissed his cheek. "And thank you, Robin, for letting me."

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**Aww. Was that horrible? Well, I'll get the next chapter up soon. Sorry again about the long wait on this one. **


	19. Celestial Spheres

**Disclaimer: ROWR! NO! I own nothing!**

**Yay! Chapter nineteen! I don't know how long this chapter is going to be, but chapter 20 will be longer probably no matter what. Woo! **

**You know what pisses me off more than anything? People who hate Terra just _because she__'s blonde_. WHY? She can't help being blonde. It isn't her fault. My best friend is blonde for God's sake! Stop being so shallow, people!**

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It was another calm morning in Titans Tower. The sun had now risen fully and the five members of the team were all doing separate activities. Robin and Starfire were making breakfast together, which didn't surprise anyone. It was very obvious that something had happened, something had changed, because both of them were positively radiant. When Robin had come and asked his friends what they wanted for breakfast, he had been absolutely glowing. It was almost scary to see Robin so happy. He and Star had been inseparable all morning.

In the living room, Cyborg was reading the newspaper, chuckling occasionally in the comics section. Raven was meditating, though she seemed a bit more distracted than usual, losing concentration despite the absolute silence and cursing often. Beast Boy, for probably the first time in his life, was completely silent. He was curled up on the other end of the sofa, reading Poe. He had never understood why people made such a big deal over some dead guy before, but now that he had read it, he understood. He did enjoy the comedy and satire stories and the thrill of the horror ones, but what made him completely mesmerized were the poems. Reading through them, he realized why people liked poetry so much. It was because anyone could relate to the emotions expressed in any poem, no matter what it was about. They could find some hidden meaning in the words that mirrored their own situation, and people thrived on feeling that they weren't alone. Beast Boy now understood why Raven read so much. They was no one she could relate to, no one she could really talk to, and so she would seek a way to feel that someone understood in the stories she read. Beast Boy made a silent vow then that she would never have to go to a book to have someone to talk to ever again.

Reading through the poems, he found that almost every single one of them he could relate to. Most of them reminded him of Raven, making it impossible for him to stop thinking of her, gazing at her every once in a while.

Beast Boy yawned. He hadn't gotten much sleep last night. Blinking his tired eyes, he gently closed the book and moved silently along the sofa until he was sitting near Raven. She was still attempting to meditate. He had seen her do it before, so he was immediately aware that it was not going too well. Her eyes were squeezed shut tightly and she was mumbling her mantra much faster than usual, as though the speed of it might have some effect. When she gave a groan of frustration and covered her eyes with her hand, Beast Boy took the opportunity where he wouldn't be interrupting her to speak.

"Hey Raven," he said. Raven jumped in surprise and opened one eye.

"Beast Boy," she acknowledged him with a nod. She sat there looking at him through one eye for a moment before opening the other.

"Uh….sorry I disturbed you," he said apologetically.

"You didn't. It wasn't going to well anyway," Raven said. "Do you want something?"

Beast Boy shrugged. "hey Raven, what do those…um…words mean, anyway?" he asked, trying to make conversation.

"Azarath is my homeworld, Metrion is my home country, and Zinthos is my hometown," Raven answered patiently.

"Uh…cool. I never knew that," Beast Boy said. "I just always assumed you were from, well, earth."

"No. Where are you from?" Raven asked him. Beast Boy was slightly surprised that she had asked this. She had never really asked him anything personal before.

"Right here," Beast Boy said, patting the couch. "Good old Jump City. But we went to Africa when I was just a little kid."

"I never knew that. Who's 'we'?" Raven asked.

"Me and my parents," Beast Boy answered.

"I didn't know you still had parents," Raven said.

"I don't. They died," Beast Boy said bluntly, looking down.

Raven's eyes widened. "Oh God Beast Boy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up," she said softly, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I didn't know-"

"It's fine," Beast Boy said. "Really. You didn't know."

Raven watched him sadly for a moment.

"Beast Boy, you don't need to try to be something that you're not," she said finally.

"Huh?" Beast Boy asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I know you've hurt in the past. From Terra and everything she did, from your parents, and from God knows what else. I know you try to forget your pain by trying to make other people laugh. By being 'the funny guy' all the time. You don't need to try. We'll all accept you the way you are," Raven answered.

Beast Boy's eyes were shining as though he was going to cry. But he didn't. Instead, he collapsed against her and hugged her. "Thanks, Raven," he said. "No one's ever…you know…been so honest with me before."

"I don't lie," Raven said coolly before letting her less practical side take control and hugging him back. She took this opportunity to bury her face in his hair. His scent was one she could not describe. All she knew was that it was one she wanted to have the privilege of inhaling any time she wanted to.

"Oh, am I interrupting something?" asked a voice. They both looked up at the same time to see Cyborg, standing there, recently back from the kitchen with a mug of something steaming. He had a rather knowing smile on his face. Beast Boy and Raven flew apart at the speed of light, returning to a casual distance apart as fast as they had come together, trying to look as though they had not be entangled a moment ago.

Cyborg still had the knowing smile on his face as he sat down and picked up the remote control.

"Uh…I'm gonna go…get some tofu!" Beast Boy said, walking quickly out of the room. Raven stood up and walked over so she was standing in front of Cyborg, blocking his view of the TV screen.

"You saw nothing," she told him.

"Sure, I saw nothing," Cyborg said, suppressing a giggle.

"Nothing happened, Cyborg. You saw _nothing_, alright? Unless you want to wake up tomorrow in a situation that will make you wish you'd never been born," Raven said threateningly.

"Alright, alright," Cyborg said, laughing. "I wouldn't tell anyone anyway. Friends keep their mouths shut, right?" he asked, winking with his human eye. Raven smiled slightly.

"Thank you, Cyborg. Now, I'm going to meditate," she said calmly, turning and walking out of the room.

Cyborg shook his head. "When are they going to admit it?" he asked under his breath, chuckling to himself.

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**More soon. The next chapter will be better, I swear. **


	20. Inner Tempest

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything. **

**Yay! Chapter twenty! I've been looking forward to this chapter for a long time. It's not the chapter you might be thinking it is, but it was really fun to write. Enjoy!**

**Thanks so much for the reviews you guys! You make me feel fuzzy inside!**

**They should not make sequels so movies like 'The Ring'. Sequels to horror movies ruin everything. They're just making a sequel because The Ring was so popular and they know they'll make a lot of money off of a sequel to it. It will completely destroy the first movie, and I didn't like it that much in the first place. I don't like the concept of someone coming out of my TV. **

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Back in her room, Raven sighed and sat down on her bed, crossing her legs and staring out the window, a mess of jumbled thoughts running through her mind. She really wished she had even some faint idea of what to do about this. Her love for Beast Boy was just downright unnatural. Love was not something she was supposed to experience. And yet love was what had been ruling her actions all day. She sighed. When she had woken up that morning, she had noticed that her cloak was a bit lighter blue than normal. It had been slowly and steadily paling all day. There was really only one place to turn, and it was the last place she felt like going.

Raven reached sideways and grabbed the small, decorative hand mirror that sat on the table beside her bed. Staring into it for a moment, she concentrated, and became aware of the strange sensation coming over her body as she was pulled forward through the glass.

Raven landed on her feet, looking around at the dark landscape. The dead, black trees loomed around her and the red-eyed ravens sitting in their branches cawed at her with disapproval. She ignored them and started forward, very aware of another presence. She turned wearily as a flash of pink and black assaulted her.

"Hi Raven!" the violet-haired girl said cheerfully. Raven sighed loudly.

"Hello, Joy. Where are the others?" Raven asked. Joy sighed.

"I thought you just wanted to talk to me!" the pink-cloaked girl said, shrugging.

"No such luck," Raven told her as other Ravens in assorted colors of cloaks appeared seemingly out of nowhere around them. Raven glanced around at her Emotions in distaste. She had never liked many of them. Most of them were a distinct pain in the ass.

"You haven't been here in a while!" Booya said, punching Raven in the arm. "Where have you been?"

"She doesn't like us," gray-cloaked Timid said, lowering her eyes to the ground. Raven ignored her.

"I've been busy," Raven said.

"It's been chaos in here," said Envy gleefully, twirling her green cloak.

"Yes. You really need to stop bottling things up," Wisdom told Raven knowingly.

"Whatever. I came to sort things out," Raven said.

"About time," Impatience said, crossing her arms.

"I'm sure she's been busy," said Empathy, patting Raven on the shoulder.

"Can you guys please be quiet for a minute. I wanted to know…has there been anyone…new around here?" Raven asked.

"Yeah!" Joy said happily as the 'new' Emotion stepped forward. The girl's cloak was a pale blue, like a watered-down version of Raven's, and her cheeks were a healthy, blushing pink rather than Raven's usual gray. Raven knew immediately who this new Emotion was.

"And let me guess, you're Love?" Raven asked, glaring shamelessly at the girl that was the root of all her problems.

"How did you guess?" Love asked, batting her eyelashes. Raven felt sick to her stomach.

"Oh, I don't know," she said dryly. She stood still for a moment, and then grabbed Love by the front of her leotard, lifting her a foot off the ground. "Well, you're my loving side, so _you _tell me! Why do I love Beast Boy?"

Love reacted calmly to Raven's outburst. "I don't know. _You're _the one who loves him," Love told her serenely. Raven dropped Love (who landed on her feet), and covered her face with her hands. Empathy patted her on the shoulder but Raven ignored her.

"What am I supposed to do?" Raven asked helplessly. "I don't know what to do. What if my powers go out of control and I kill him?"

"Come on, remember what Starfire said. Love isn't violent. You've loved him for a while now, and nothing has happened. I think it's OK for you to love!" said Love comfortingly.

"I think you should tell him!" chirped Joy, clapping her hands together. "And then you can be happy!"

"I'm _never _going to be happy," Raven said, blinking back tears. "It's pointless to tell him. He'll never feel the same about me, and even if he does, _something _is going to go wrong."

"C'mon, you don't know that! Give it a shot!" Courage told her with a slap on the back.

"Yeah, and besides, did you ever notice that he's _kissed _you? More than once? Come on, tell me that doesn't signify some kind of attraction," Booya said.

"Shut up. That doesn't mean anything," Raven hissed.

"Yes it does. And I'm _your _emotion. You must believe that he likes you somewhere if I can think so," Booya said.

"Well, I don't. Leave me the fuck alone," Raven snapped. Timid burst into tears. Empathy hugged the sobbing Emotion.

"Sure, whatever," said Sly deviously.

"For being my own emotions, you sure aren't much help," Raven grumbled. "You're the one who's causing all of this, Love. Now I want you to tell me why. Beast Boy and I have hardly anything in common. We are complete polar opposites. He annoyed the hell out of me until very recently. So why do you love him? What do you _see_ in him?"

"You mean why do _you_ love him? Oh, I don't know. Maybe because he's sweet and lovable and he very obviously cares about you. And he understands you. It's not very often you meet someone who understands you," Love said.

"How could you possibly think he understands me? You know perfectly well that no one could _ever _understand me," Raven said, getting increasingly irritated.

"You both understand pain and loss and betrayal. You both are forced to hide who you really are. And you are both completely and undisputedly alone," Wisdom answered for Love. "And without each other, you always will be."

"Maybe _I _always will be, but he won't. He's Beast Boy. He'll find someone else eventually and be happy, whereas _I_ will always be alone. I could never make him happy," Raven argued.

"Yes you could. You know how much trouble he has with trust since Terra's betrayal. I can't really see him letting anyone else in that easily," Sly challenged.

"Stop it!" Raven yelled, clutching her scalp with her fingernails. She felt blood escaping from the gouges they made. "I could _never _make him happy! He could never love me and he would never want to be with me! Just **shut up**!"

Raven landed on her bedroom floor breathing heavily with frustration. She gave a strangled scream, breathed deeply several times, and let go of her scalp. She put the mirror back in its place rather roughly and climbed onto her bed, sitting cross-legged and trying to regain her balance. "Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos," she chanted violently, squeezing her eyes shut. "Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos."

There was a knock on the door. Several books turned black and flew out of Raven's bookshelf and onto the floor. She gritted her teeth. "Come in," she hissed.

The door slid open and Starfire poked her head cautiously into the room. "Friend Raven, I have heard screaming. Are you alright?"

"Yes, Starfire, I'm fine," Raven answered through clenched teeth. Starfire moved slowly into the room and walked over to sit beside Raven on the bed.

"I am feeling that this is not true, Raven. You are only saying you are fine so I will go away and you may stew in your feelings of badness. It helps to talk about the things that are bothering you."

Raven sighed. "Well maybe I don't _want _to talk about it," she said, getting a bit hostile. Starfire was distressed, but stood her ground.

"Raven, I do not wish for you to be alone in your unhappiness. Please, allow me to share in your unpleasant feelings. I am here to listen."

Raven sighed loudly. "Sometimes I wonder why I don't just kill you," she said. "But OK, if you want to know that badly, I'm unhappy because I'm in love with Beast Boy."

" Friend Raven, this should be no cause for unhappiness. Love is splendid," Starfire said convincingly.

"Yes, you're right. It _is…_'splendid'. But the only problem is that I can't tell him how I feel."

"Why can you not tell him?" Starfire asked.

"Because he will never feel the same way about me. It's pointless to tell him when it will only result in my inevitable disappointment," Raven explained.

"I am sorry I must say this, Raven, but I am tiring of your gloominess. You will never know how Beast Boy feels without asking. You have no way of knowing what is happening in his heart. You are afraid to tell him that you are in love with him because you are afraid of the reality of knowing that someone loves you. It frightens you to have someone have such tremendous feelings for you, and so you are only hiding behind excuses. You will not just do what would make your own heart happy because you are stubborn and afraid of what might happen if he tells you he feels the same way," Starfire said. Raven was staring at her wide-eyed.

"How can you think for even a second that you know my motivations for keeping my feelings from him? Why would you even consider that you know me well enough to make judgments on the way my mind works?" Raven said, voice getting louder with every word, eye glowing red. A cup that was sitting on the table beside her bed exploded into a thousand tiny fragments and flew in all directions, splashing water onto the floor. Starfire looked alarmed.

"Raven, control yourself!" she said harshly. Raven stopped, her eyes slowly fading back to normal.

"I'm…sorry," she said quietly, looking away.

"Raven?" Starfire asked softly after a few moments of silence. Raven just looked at her. "What I said was true, wasn't it? That is why you became so angry."

Raven nodded wordlessly. "I didn't even realize it until you pointed it out. And so I…I don't know. I guess I got angry because you knew how pathetic I was."

"It is not pathetic, Friend. It is merely human," Starfire said.

"I'm a demon. I'm not human," Raven said, staring blankly ahead.

"And neither am I. But that does not mean we do not make the same mistakes and have the same flaws as humans do," Starfire said comfortingly, patting Raven's shoulder.

"Thank you Starfire. Now, do you think I could be alone for a while?" Raven asked.

"Certainly Friend Raven," Starfire said. When she reached the door, she turned around. "If I were you, I would not lose faith in things with Beast Boy," she said.

"Why? What are you talking about?" Raven asked. Starfire didn't answer. She only gave an unnaturally giddy smile and left, the door closing behind her. Raven shrugged and returned to her meditation.

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**I'll get the next chapter up soon. **


	21. The First Day of Forever

**Disclaimer: Woot! No owning of anything! Don't sue! **

**Chapter twenty-one! I feel special! Enjoy yet another chapter from the pathetic Moonchild's writing-obsessed brain. **

**I am bothered by the song 'Only One' by Yellowcard. The song speaks to me. It says '_Ha ha, Danie. You will never be anyone's Only One.' _But I'm probably going to use it for a BBRae or RobStar songfic eventually anyway, because it works. I'll shut up now. **

**Mulan 2 is a good movie. **

* * *

"_**Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle."**_

_**-Plato

* * *

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Beast Boy walked slowly back into the living room. He could only take so much time eating tofu and chatting with Robin and Starfire before he had to go back and face Cyborg. He slowly dragged himself over to the sofa and sat down.

"Hey BB," Cyborg said with a tone of someone who had not seen the scene earlier.

"Uh…hey Cyborg," Beast Boy said suspiciously. There was a long pause. Beast Boy kept glancing sideways at Cyborg with a very suspicious look on his face. "Oh, just say it already!" he exclaimed finally.

"Say what?" Cyborg asked.

"Just make fun of me for what happened earlier! I can't stand the suspense anymore!" Beast Boy said, grabbing several handfuls of his green hair.

"Why would I make fun of you guys? You're my friend, BB. I already knew, anyway," Cyborg said.

"Knew what?"

"That you two have a thing for each other," Cyborg said, his eyebrow going up and down.

"It's not a _thing_. I love Raven and she doesn't know I exist. That's all that's going on," Beast Boy said with a sigh.

"What do you mean she doesn't know you exist? I've never seen her talk to anyone more than she's been talking to you lately. Come on, this is Raven we're talking about, and she actually hangs around you by _choice_. Usually she just sits and meditates or talks to you. You hadn't noticed that you're the only person she talks to?" Cyborg asked.

"Uh…no," Beast Boy said with a shrug.

"Well, my point is, you're kidding yourself if you think she doesn't notice you," Cyborg said knowingly.

"Suuuuuuuure," Beast Boy said.

"Come on BB just tell her how you feel," Cyborg said.

"I can't do that!" Beast Boy protested. "She'll never feel the same way about me!" he stood up. "I'm gonna go listen to music ridiculously loud now," he said, walking out of the room. Cyborg sighed.

**XXX**

Beast Boy could barely think because of the sheer volume of the music. Simple Plan blared out of the stereo so loudly that even an explosion couldn't have disturbed him. He was alone with his furious thoughts.

"I can't take this anymore!" he said to himself. "I'm so tired of feeling this and keeping it inside! Why won't it just go away?" he sighed and lay back on his floor. "You are a stupid Beast Boy for even letting yourself feel like this about Raven. You should just give it up already! She's never going to like you!" he lay there in silence for a moment. "What am I going to do?" he asked aloud.

**XXX**

"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos…Azarath, Metrion, Zin-"

_Bam, bam, bam. _

The sound of a knocking on the door pulled Raven out of her relative calm. She had been sitting here since morning focused on meditation, and she could only hope that it was helping. It was late in the evening now and she had done nothing else all day. She opened her eyes and just sat there silently for a moment before getting up and heading for the door. It slid open and she saw the eager face of Beast Boy staring at her. Her stomach did a strange flip and she strangled herself mentally. All the balance that she had worked for hours to regain slipped away almost instantly.

"Yes?" she asked, carefully keeping her voice at its normal level of boredom.

"Uh…can I talk to you for a minute?" Beast Boy asked, twisting his gloved fingers together. Raven nodded and stepped back to let him into the room. He walked in slowly as Raven sat down on her bed. He stood there without moving.

"You can sit down," Raven told him.

"Uh…thanks," Beast Boy said, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. There was a pause.

"Well, what do you want to talk about?" Raven asked. Beast Boy gulped.

"Well, first of all, I wanted to thank you for being there for me when I felt like I couldn't take living anymore. You stayed with me no matter how nuts I got or how annoying it might have been that I was so depressed all the time. No one's ever been that loyal to me before. I don't think anyone else could have put up with me for so long. Thanks for having my back. I think you're the best friend I could ever ask for."

"You're welcome," Raven said, giving him a slight smile. "You're a very good friend too."

Beast Boy grinned at her. "Oh yeah, there's…something else I needed to talk to you about."

"What is it?" Raven asked.

"Uh…well….I want you to promise not to hit me….or blow me up with your powers…or kick me…or bite me," he said nervously.

"What did you break?" Raven asked in disgust.

"Nothing, nothing. It's not like that. I just want you to promise you won't hurt me, OK?" Beast Boy said, holding up his hands in defense.

"Alright, I promise," Raven told him. Beast Boy nodded.

"OK," he said. "Um…well, ya see Raven…I know we don't have all that much in common, and I know you kinda hate me…but I need to get this off my chest or I'm going to lose my mind. Lately, I've been getting to know you a lot better, and I like that. And getting to know you, I got to know myself a little bit and I realized that I…remember, you promised not to hurt me…" he coughed several times. Beast Boy had never been very good at saying what was on his mind, so Raven waited patiently. "The thing is…I realized that…for a while now I've been…"he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, then opened them and continued. "Raven…I…I LOVE YOU!" he shouted finally, looking her straight in the eye.

Raven just stared at him in wide-eyed shock for a moment. Something glowing black fell from the ceiling and crashed into the floor loudly, but neither of them paid any attention.

"Yeah, it's true, I love you! I love you more than anything else in the world!" Beast Boy said, grabbing Raven by the shoulders and shaking her gently. " I don't care if you hate me because of it, I don't care what anyone thinks, I love you!" he said loudly. He was sweating a bit, and then he shut up and looked slightly embarrassed. He was blushing more than Raven had thought it was possible for someone to blush. He let go of her shoulders. "Um…sorry I shook you," he mumbled.

He had to be joking. He just had to be. He couldn't love her. It just…wasn't possible. But when Raven looked into those eyes she saw absolute sincerity.

"Are you….sure….I mean are you serious?" she asked, eyes still bulging.

"Yeah. I've never been so serious about anything in my life. I love you, Raven," Beast Boy said, a bit calmer now.

"Beast Boy…I love you too," Raven said, her voice shaking. "But I'm afraid to."

"Afraid? Why?" Beast Boy asked.

"I can't explain it. It's just…love is a really new concept for me, and I…I've always had trouble trusting people, but after the whole Malchior incident it's even worse. I'm just…so afraid of getting hurt again," Raven explained, trying to avoid his eyes. But he found hers and their gaze locked.

"Raven, I would never, _ever _hurt you in any way. Never. I'd give anything to protect you. I always have, and I always will. I would never break your heart."

Raven couldn't help but believe him. She stared into the bottomless jade eyes for a moment and she could feel tears slowly building in her own. His words were enough to kill her fear, enough to make her sure of what she was feeling, and enough to seal her devotion.

"Oh Beast Boy," she said softly as her tears began to fall. Beast Boy crawled over to where she was sitting and wrapped his arms around her. Raven clung to him, crying soundlessly for a moment. She squeezed him tightly. For the first time that she could remember, she didn't feel alone. "I love you," she said quietly, running her fingers through his hair. She pulled back a bit so she could look him in the eye. "And I'm not afraid anymore."

Beast Boy smiled nervously. He placed his hands gently on either side of her face. Raven smiled back, her heart pounding deafeningly in her chest. She was almost sure Beast Boy would hear it and wonder what the hell was wrong with her. Raven was trembling slightly as she looked into his eyes. She knew what was going to happen next.

Slowly, agonizingly slowly, Beast Boy leaned forward and pressed his lips gently against hers. Raven jumped very slightly and then closed her eyes, kissing him back and wrapping her arms around his neck. Beast Boy pulled back after a moment as though he were afraid she was going to be angry at him for kissing her.

"Sorry, Raven. Should I have asked or something?" he asked nervously. Raven gave a small laugh. "I'll take that to mean it was OK?" Beast Boy asked, grinning. Raven grinned back. She had never felt such intense emotion before, and it surprised her. She pulled him back to her and started kissing him again. The kiss started to get less shy and more intense, stopping every now and then for proper breaths and then continuing even more zealously than the moment before. Raven's tongue darted against his slightly parted lips and he gladly gave her entrance to his mouth. She ran her tongue along his four pointed fangs and then searched for his, and their tongues began a wild dance. Raven pulled him forward and the two fell backward onto the bed in a frenzy of passion. Beast Boy could feel every inch of her body pressed against his beneath him. He pulled back for a moment and stared at her, and she stared back. They were both breathing heavily. Raven lifted her head and kissed him once more. He was starting to have difficulty thinking and kissed her more passionately. He was starting to wonder if this could be dangerous. He allowed this to go on for a few more minutes before he finally broke the kiss. The two of them stared at each other for a moment. They were both very much aroused, but they both had the sense to know that this was about where they had to stop for now. Raven reluctantly allowed Beast Boy to roll off of her, and she was surprised at her reluctance.

"Where did you learn to kiss like that?" Raven asked him.

"Was it bad?" he asked.

"Bad? Of course not. I mean…that was fantastic. Not that I have much to go by, but I thought it was amazing," Raven said.

"You were incredible yourself," he said with a smile. "Who would have thought Raven would be so good at anything that involved physical contact?"

Raven smiled shyly at him. "You never do know about people, do you?" she asked.

"Nope, you never do," Beast Boy said. There was a pause. "God, Raven, you're beautiful," he said, reaching out his hand and stoking her cheek.

Raven was slightly surprised. "You think I'm…beautiful?" she asked unsurely.

"Of course I do," Beast Boy said.

"Since when am _I _beautiful?" Raven wondered out loud.

"I've always thought you were beautiful. Ever since we first met," Beast Boy answered.

"Really?" Raven asked.

"Really. People notice you a lot more than you think, Raven."

Beast Boy's hand was still on her cheek, and she placed her hand on top of his.

"I'm just glad _you _noticed me," she said. Beast Boy smiled.

"And I'm glad you noticed me," he said, snuggling a little closer to her. There was a silence.

"It's nice…not to be alone," Raven said after a while.

"Yeah. It is," Beast Boy said, closing his eyes. "Is it OK if I stay tonight?"

"Yes," Raven said, reaching for his hand and wrapping hers around it. "You can stay forever."

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**Aww. Next chapter soon. **


	22. The Way I Love You

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I swear!**

**I'm sorry I took so long on this chapter. I had repulsive amounts of homework all week. **

**Chapter twenty-two! Woop! Wow, they finally confessed, huh? Aren't you glad? Weren't you getting sick of them denying it? Didn't it make you want to hit them with a stick? Or was that just me that felt the urge to knock some sense into them?**

_**Moonchild: Hey, you! It's go time! (whips out stick)**_

_**Raven: (raises eyebrow)**_

_**BB: What are you gonna do with that?**_

_**Moonchild: Make you two confess the fact that you're in looooooooove. **_

_**Raven: (vein pops) Go away now. (uses powers to throw her out the window)**_

_**Moonchild: Currrrrrrrse yooooooooooou!**_

_**BB: (looks at Raven) Soooooooooo…..**_

**OK, enough mindless rambling. I'll get on with the story now. **

**Just to clear up any misconceptions: Beast Boy and Raven did not fuck. There. Hope any misunderstandings are now righted. **

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Beast Boy became conscious to the fact that he was awake, but didn't open his eyes for a moment. When he did, he saw Raven watching him.

"Hello," she said quietly. Beast Boy grinned at her. He had woken up beside her before, but it had always felt different. She had been a friend there to comfort him when he was hurting. She had been there to watch over him and make sure he wasn't going to hurt himself again. Now, they were only together for the pure enjoyment of each other's company. It felt so much less uncomfortable. Beast Boy put a hand on her cheek and stroked her features lightly, just happy to be in her presence and not need to hide anything.

"Hi," he said. "Sleep well?"

"Better than usual," Raven said, yawning slightly.

"Did you change your clothes or something?" Beast Boy asked.

"No. Why?" Raven asked, looking down at herself and realizing that she was dressed completely in white. "Oh, this. It has to do with my mental and emotional state. I guess it's because I'm…at peace."

"Oh. That's good," Beast Boy said, though she could tell he had no idea what she was talking about.

"It's because you've made me very, very happy, and that doesn't happen very often," Raven said, smiling at him.

"Oh. Well, I'm glad I can make you happy," Beast Boy said, positively beaming.

"Me too," said Raven.

"What time is it?" Beast Boy asked, sitting up slowly.

Raven glanced at the clock beside her bed. "Shit. It's almost noon," she said in surprise.

"Whoa! Is it seriously that late?" Beast Boy asked. "You never sleep that late! I never even sleep that late! How did we stay asleep until noon?"

"I don't know. I was actually having…good dreams. Maybe that's why I didn't wake up," Raven said. Beast Boy nodded. He looked around the room. It was still the same place it had always been. It was still a dark, secluded cave of gloom. It didn't seem creepy to him anymore, though. It seemed almost comfortable and inviting, and he would stay here by choice, now. Maybe it only had to do with the fact that it was_ Raven_'s room. But the change surprised him. He had been changing a lot lately. His feelings for Raven had transformed him in many small ways. He no longer looked at things the way he once had. The truth was, he was maturing because of it, something that he had _never _expected to happen.

"We should probably get up before everyone starts to wonder," Raven said, lifting up and gliding over him to the floor. "And jump to conclusions."

"Yeah," Beast Boy agreed, getting up and morphing into the shape of a kitten, beginning his morning stretches. Raven giggled slightly, and he turned back into his normal form and stared at her.

"What?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You just…giggled," he said. Raven blushed slightly in embarrassment.

"Oh. I just…I'm sorry. I just found that a bit…cute," she said, looking humiliated and furious with herself.

Beast Boy goggled at her. "Whoa. _You _thought something was _cute_?" Beast Boy asked. "Something involving _me_?"

"Yes, Beast Boy. I too have the gene that makes girls stupid over furry animals. And I _always _think you're cute," she said, looking more and more ashamed to be saying this. "Ugh. Cute. That word is disgusting."

Now it was Beast Boy's turn to be embarrassed. The legendary Raven thought he was cute. Raven, who was known for being emotionless. '_Emotionless my ass_,' he thought, smiling slightly. Cute was _not _a word he enjoyed being associated with, but he decided it must be a compliment coming from her.

Raven started for the door, and Beast Boy followed the white-cloaked girl quickly as she started down the hall. They were both very aware of each other as they walked, as though they both felt like they were being watched. When they reached the door to the living room, Beast Boy was grateful for a break in the silence.

**XXX**

Raven was meditating silently when she became aware of someone watching her. She slowly dropped her concentration and opened her eyes. Beast Boy was peering up at her where she hovered in the center of the living room.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"Uh…yeah. Hey Raven, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go…you know…do something with me?" Beast Boy asked, twisting his fingers together, a nervous habit for him.

Raven landed on the ground and watched him carefully. "Like what?" she asked suspiciously.

"I don't know. I didn't really think about it. We could go to the movies or go to one of those creepy places you like…or go to the park and talk for a while," Beast Boy said, tripping horribly on the words.

"That last one sounds…nice," she said, smiling at him.

"Really?" Beast Boy asked, his ears perking up. Raven nodded.

"Come on, let's go before Starfire finds out and wants to come with us," she said.

"Sure!" Beast Boy said happily, heading for the front door. Raven followed him mutely.

When the two reached the park, they found a place under a tree and sat down. Beast Boy lay on his back in the cool grass and closed his eyes for a moment before Raven spoke.

"So…" she said, unable to think of anything to fill the silence.

"So…how's it going?" Beast Boy asked.

"Fantastic," Raven said (wow, who would have thought that word would be in her vocabulary?). "And you?"

"Pretty good," Beast Boy said, sitting up. She sat there looking at her for a moment. "Hey…Raven?"

"Hmm?"

"I know this sounds kind of…dumb. But…why do you…you know-"

"Why do I love you?" Raven asked.

"Exactly," Beast Boy said.

Raven considered this for a moment.

"Because…well…you awakened something in me that I never even knew existed. You made me feel…like I wasn't so alone. You made me _feel_. That's not something that most people can do, Beast Boy. You made me want to be around you. You made me feel…special. And I feel like…dare I say it…you understand me," Raven said. "What about you? Why do you love me? I'm not…fishing for compliments or anything. I just wondered…why me? Why me when there are plenty of girls out there who _don't _treat you like a pest, who _will _laugh at your jokes…who you have more in common with?"

"We have tons in common. And I don't care if you don't want compliments. You're getting 'em. Why would you even _ask _why I love you? You're incredible, Raven. You're smart, and you're funny, and you're always there for me when I need you the most. You're like…Superman in a cloak. And you made me feel whole again when my world was pretty much torn apart. You showed me how to laugh again. And I don't care if you say you're emotionless, you're still the most caring person I know. And you're beautiful. But I don't mean your face, even though that's beautiful, too. I'm talking about _inside_," Beast Boy said.

"That was pretty deep for a comedian," Raven said with a hint of sarcasm, though he could see that she was smiling. "No one's ever…well…described me like that before. I'm just so used to hearing the word 'creepy' in reference to me."

"Aww Raven, you're not creepy. People just think that because they don't know anything about you. Even I don't know anything about you," Beast Boy said. Raven disregarded the fact that he had been one of the people who had called her creepy in the first place.

"You're right. We should tell each other things more. Get to know each other better. We know nothing about each other, or each other's pasts, or even each other's _real _personalities," Raven said.

"Yeah, I totally agree. Why don't you start?" Beast Boy said, looking as though he had won a great battle by not having to go first in talking about himself.

Raven looked slightly reluctant. "Alright. My name is Raven Roth. My mother's name was Angela. She accidentally released a demon named Trigon from another dimension. He raped her…and that's where I come in. To keep Trigon from finding her, she was taken to a place called Azarath…an alternate dimension. She changed her name to Arella. And then I was born. I my mother never really got to see me. Azar…the ruler of Azarath…trained me to control my powers. Then when he died, by mother raised me for a while…until eventually I came to Earth," she said.

"Whoa. That's so…sad," Beast Boy said, gawking.

"Yes. It is. It would have been better if I had never been born. Now, what about you?" Raven asked, changing the subject quickly.

Beast Boy sighed. "OK, then. My name's Garfield Logan. You know about my parents taking me to Africa. When I was younger, in Africa, I got this weird disease that killed everyone who got it…except for animals. So my dad used this weird, untested machine on me. It cured me, but it turned me green. I didn't find out about my powers until a while later when my mom was in danger." Beast Boy took a deep breath. "And then one day we were in this boat and I wouldn't shut up and so my dad was distracted and the boat hit a sandbar and they died and I could have saved them but I was too slow and I feel like it's all my fault," he said in one breath.

Raven was staring at him. "Beast Boy…that's not your fault," she said gently, putting an arm around him.

Beast Boy rested his head on her shoulder and sighed. They sat there that way for a long time. Beast Boy finally sat up.

"Thanks, Raven," he said, smiling again. "I feel better now." he paused for a remarkably long time. "Um…Raven?"

"Mm?"

"Uh…I know it hasn't been so long since I told you how I feel about you…and I know it might me kinda quick but…I was wondering if maybe you wanted to be…um…you know…my girlfriend?" Beast Boy answered nervously.

"I can think of anything I'd like more right now," Raven said, giving him one of those smiles that were getting less and less uncommon as time went on.

"Awesome," Beast Boy said, unable to stop smiling. "You think maybe we should get back to the Tower?"

Raven leaned forward slightly so there was only a small gap between their lips. "Or maybe we could stay here for a few more minutes?" she said.

"That would be fabulous," Beast Boy answered in an over-exaggerated movie star voice before closing the gap between them.

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**Yay! Next chapter soon.**

**Did anybody notice the JTHM quote in here? It was from issue number two. I just couldn't resist. I know this chapter felt a bit choppy and I apologize. I couldn't think of any way to fix it. **


	23. Cake of Life

**Disclaimer: Woohoo! **

**Chapter twenty-three, fueled by Mozart's Requiem! Sorry if chapter 22 was kinda boring. Sorry if this one is boring, too. it'll get better soon. **

**You should read 'A Clean Sheet' by Chibi1309. It's in my favorites list. It's incredible. **

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When Beast Boy and Raven returned to Titans Tower, they were greeted over excitedly by Starfire, who was standing just inside the door and there was an eerie feeling that she had been waiting for them.

"Hello, friends!" she said happily, enthusiasm overflowing her tone as she clapped her hands.

"Hello, Starfire," Raven said.

"Hi Star," Beast Boy said. Starfire looked as though she could scarcely contain her excitement. Raven shuddered slightly at the extreme joy leaking from Starfire's every motion.

"What's going on?" she asked suspiciously.

"We have planned something glorious! We were wishing for your help, Friend Raven, but you were not home, so we persisted without you," Starfire said, a hint of disappointment in her voice, but then the excitement returned.

"What is this? You look way too happy for it to be anything I'm going to be able to stand," Raven said.

"We have done something for Beast Boy!" Starfire said, grabbing her friends around the shoulder. "Come, friends! We must journey to the living room now!" and then she whisked them off in the direction of the living room.

"Ah!" Beast Boy screamed as they zoomed down the hall toward the destination. "Starfire what's going on?"

"You will find out soon enough!" Starfire said gleefully.

"I don't really think I want to know," Raven said.

"Robin and Cyborg, I have found the others!" Starfire called out as she dragged Beast Boy and Raven into the living room.

"It's about time," came Cy's voice. Beast Boy looked around the room. It was festively decorated with strange crepe paper streamers and there was a large banner hanging from the ceiling that proclaimed '_Happy Venlucks, Beast Boy!' _

"Um…uh…" Beast Boy said, confused beyond words. Cyborg and Robin were watching him, looking amused. "What _is _this?"

"It's…um….Venlucks," Robin said with a large grin.

"Gesundheit," Raven said from beside Beast Boy.

"No, Raven, Venlucks is a Tamaranian celebration of life! Whenever a loved one suffers from an experience where they come near to death but survive, we celebrate them still being with us! I do not like to bring up unpleasant memories, but I must. Friend Beast Boy, some time ago you…attempted the suicide, as I believe Robin has called it. However, you are still safe and alive with us, and we are most joyous! And so we must celebrate Venlucks for you!" Starfire explained. "We must celebrate the wonderful life of Beast Boy!"

"Um…OK," Beast Boy said, looking a bit overwhelmed.

"Wonderful!" Starfire said. She pulled a small bundle out of her pocket and unwrapped it. Inside were five bracelets, made of differently colored beads with strange symbols. She handed them each a bracelet. "Put them on!" she said happily.

"Definitely a fashion statement," Raven said dryly as she snapped the cheerful bracelet over her thin wrist.

"What do these funny symbols mean?" Beast Boy asked, examining the markings on the beads of his bracelet as he put it on.

"The colors and symbols all represent wonderful things you have done as our friend," Starfire explained as she put her own on and watched to make sure that Robin and Cyborg did also. "Each bead symbolizes one of them!"

"Cool," Beast Boy said. "So…uh…what do we do for this…Ven-blah-blah?"

"It is called Venlucks, Beast Boy. The first thing we must do is eat the traditional Tamaranian Cake of Life as we each take a moment to describe how important the one we are celebrating Venlucks for is to us!" Starfire said merrily.

"Cake of life huh? Does that involve any meat?" Beast Boy asked. Starfire shook her head.

"I know you are the eater of only the vegetables, so I left out the flesh of a swaznar. I do not know where to obtain a swaznar on Earth, anyway," she said.

"Good," Beast Boy said.

Starfire headed for the sofa and sat down. "Friends, take a seat!" she said. The other four sat down and Starfire ran for the kitchen.

"Uh…do you guys know anything about this Ven-la-ha-ha?" Beast Boy asked.

"Not really," Robin said. "We know everything she already said, but basically nothing else."

"I hope this holiday doesn't involve being beaten with a large spiky club like the Tamaranian independence day did," Cyborg said with a shudder. The other three nodded in agreement.

"That wasn't very pleasant," Raven said.

"Yeah. I think that scarred me for life," Robin remarked. There was a sound behind them, and Starfire came into the room, carrying a large plate with a remarkably strange looking cake on it.

"I have returned with the Cake of Life. We shall begin now?" she asked, sitting down beside Robin and putting the plate down on the sofa cushion on her other side.

"Uh…sure," Robin said. Starfire nodded and grabbed a chunk of the cake in her fist.

"We do not use knives on Venlucks," she said.

"O….Kaaay," Robin said, taking a hunk also. "So we just go around and tell how Beast Boy is important to us?"

"That is correct. Cyborg, you may go first," Starfire said. Cyborg took a bit of cake and eyed it suspiciously before beginning.

"Well…BB, you're the best friend I have. You're always there when I need someone to talk to, and you've always got my back. I'm really glad you didn't die, and if you ever need to talk to someone if you feel like…_that _again, I'll be here," Cyborg said.

"Aww. Thanks Cy. I'll remember that," Beast Boy said with a grin.

"OK um….Starfire, you go next," Cyborg said.

"Friend Beast Boy, you are my dear friend and you mean very much to me. I was very sorrowful when you attempted the suicide. I am most joyous, though, that you did not succeed and that you are still here with us. It is very good to see you happy again," Starfire said.

"Sorry I made you sad," Beast Boy said.

"It is alright. Robin, do you wish to go next?" Starfire said.

"Sure. Well, Beast Boy, I'm glad you're still with us, too. It wouldn't be the same without you. You're really important to all of us. You make everyone laugh….even Raven sometimes. You're a valuable member of this team, and you're an even more valuable friend. If you ever want to talk about what happened…I'll be here for you," Robin said.

"Thanks," Beast Boy said.

"No problem. Raven?" Robin asked.

Raven nodded. She took a moment to gather her words. "Beast Boy, you mean more to me than anything else in the world. I'm so glad that you're alive. I don't think I could survive without you here. It makes me so happy to see you smiling again. I really missed you when you were depressed. Yes, I even missed your jokes. I know this doesn't sound like me at all, but it's true," she said.

Beast Boy was smiling at her slightly shyly. "Thanks, Raven," he said. "Thanks, you guys. It's really nice to know that you care about me so much. I can't believe I was ever selfish enough to try to kill myself when it would make you all so sad. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I'm really glad I didn't die too, because I never really got a chance to live before. Thanks for making me happy to be alive again. I know I should never have tried to kill myself. I just missed Terra so much and I didn't think I could handle it."

"BB, we miss Terra too. All of us. You could have talked to us about how you were feeling. We would have helped," Cyborg said.

"Yeah. You didn't have to resort to suicide. We could have done something. Anything," Robin said.

"I know. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, you guys. I know it was a bad thing to do, and I'll never do it again. I promise," Beast Boy said.

"That's good to hear," Raven said.

"Yes, very," Starfire agreed. "Would you all like to partake in the eating of the Cake of Life?"

"Um…OK," Beast Boy said, looking slightly afraid of the chunk of cake he was holding.

"Come on," Robin said, hesitantly taking a bite of cake and chewing slowly. "Not bad," he said.

"Seriously?" Beast Boy asked. He took a bite too. "Hey, you're right!" he said. Cyborg tasted it also.

"Tasty," he remarked. Starfire looked grateful and started eating also.

"Come on Raven!" Beast Boy said. "Taste it!"

"Thanks, but I'd rather not," Raven said.

"Oh come on," Beast Boy said.

"I-" Raven began. When she opened her mouth to speak, Beast Boy shoved a bite of cake into her mouth. Her eyes widened but she reluctantly started chewing. She swallowed and rolled her eyes at him. "It's not bad, Starfire," she said, and then looked at Beast Boy. "Really mature," she said sarcastically.

"Oh come on, you liked it, didn't you?" Beast Boy said with a sly grin.

"That's beside the point," Raven said, using her powers to hit him in the face with a piece of cake.

"Nice, Raven," Cyborg said, chuckling.

"And you said _I_ was immature?" Beast Boy asked, wiping crumbs from his forehead.

Raven opened her mouth to say something when an irritating beeping started from somewhere behind them. Robin jumped up and hurried over to the scanner.

"Trouble," he said, looking at the screen. He turned around. "Titans, go!" he said, and the other four got up just in time to follow him out of the room at a sprint.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Yep. Next chapter soon. **


	24. Abyss

**Disclaimer: Ha ha ha not owning anything! **

**Chapter twenty-four! You may hate this chapter at first but bear with me here. Sorry if this is too long. The chapter I'm really looking forward to is 26. **

**Note to Cloud: I am SO getting revenge on Slade for kicking you!**

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The disturbance was not far away from Titans Tower. A few blocks away from their favorite pizza place, a large monster was causing destruction. It had already torn up the asphalt on about half of the street, exposing the dirt beneath. The Titans sped up to where it was doing its act of demolition.

"Dude, what is it doing?" Beast Boy asked as they stopped about nine yards away from the monster, which had strange black tentacle-like limbs protruding from its hideous purple head, which were giving off a strange fizzing noise. It also had no visible eyes but seemed to be watching them anyway.

"I don't know, but it's going to be stopped," Robin said, taking off his helmet. "Titans, go!"

Before the monster knew what was happening, five teenagers were on it like scary on an animal suit. Robin attacked it from one direction, throwing disks at it in hopes of freezing it immobile. Cyborg came at it from another, blasting it with his sonic boom. Beast Boy came from the left side, attacking the thing in the form of a bull. Starfire and Raven swooped in from above, Starfire blasting it relentlessly with Starbolts and Raven using her powers to slam it into the wall behind it, doing the most damage of the five.

"Good, Raven!" Robin called, dodging a blow from one of the monster's fists. "Keep him against that wall!"

The other four used the monster's helplessness to attack with renewed fury. Raven kept it enveloped in black psychic energy so that it could barely move itself two inches away from the building.

"I'd avoid those tentacles if I were you!" Cyborg said, landing on the ground after taking a leap off of one of the many arms and hitting it with a blast. "They've got some sort of weird electrical current going though 'em!"

"Listen to Cyborg! Stay away from the tentacles!" Robin said, dodging one of the long, black tentacles as it took a swipe at him. "Starfire, Raven, get away from those!"

The two girls hovering above the monster's head moved away, but not quickly enough. The tentacle brushed Starfire's arm, singing the flesh, but Raven took the full blow. The tentacle hit her full in the stomach, sending her flying across the street and through the front window of a store.

Beast Boy saw the entire scene happen in slow motion. He saw Raven being struck and flying across the street to go crashing through the glass and then heard a loud thud as she came to a stop against something. "**RAVEN!**" he screamed at the top of his lungs. He morphed into the shape of a falcon and flew as fast as he could across the street and though the broken window, looking frantically around the store. The scent in the room was cold: blood and burning flesh.

Raven was lying on the floor beside the back wall. The plaster of the wall was severely cracked from when she had slammed into it. She wasn't moving. Her leotard was burned away on her stomach where the tentacle had hit her and the skin was red and blistered. She was bleeding from where the glass had cut her, on her face, neck, legs, and arms. Beast Boy placed his hands behind her shoulders, lifting her up into a sitting position. Her head flopped limply to one side.

"No," Beast Boy muttered. "No! Not again! Please no! Oh God, no!"

Images flashed through his mind. Images of Terra, images of Terra lying dead before him, her blood staining the dove-white snow. A drop of Raven's blood fell and landed on his arm, its warmth and vitality was too much for him, and he burst into tears, lying Raven back down on the floor. He dropped his face into his hands, sobbing uncontrollably as the world came crashing down around him yet again.

"Why?" he screamed though his tears. He looked up at the sky, anger tearing through his veins. "Why would you let her die? What did she ever do to you?" he screamed, his throat growing ragged but he was too desperate to stop. His sobs came in choking gasps and he leaned away from Raven and vomited on the floor, pouring out his soul with the contents of his stomach. "Fuck!" he screamed when he had finished, throwing himself forward, his forehead on Raven's shoulder. "Fucking hell!" he could think of nothing to do but screech obscenities until he felt like his throat was bleeding. He could see nothing.

He heard a sound behind him, voices that seemed muffled through his despair.

"Beast Boy!" said Robin. The sobbing changeling sat upright and looked at him, still sobbing breathlessly, his head spinning and he felt as though he was going to pass out. Robin knelt down quickly beside him, picking up Raven's arm and placing two fingers on her wrist. Beast Boy lowered himself to the ground, pressing his forehead into the bits of broken glass, tears mixing with the blood that began to run down his face. He could hear nothing over his sobbing and felt Robin's hand on his shoulder. "Beast Boy!" he said loudly. "Raven is going to be alright! It's OK! Stop it! She's only unconscious!"

Beast Boy refused to believe him for a moment, sitting up and crying even harder, unable to understand why Robin was lying to him. "No she isn't!" he choked. "Don't lie!"

Robin looked bewildered. "Beast Boy, she's unconscious. She's going to be OK," he said.

Beast Boy understood the truth in those words the second time he heard them, and he sobbed even harder, though now with relief. He grabbed the Boy Wonder in a hug and Robin patted him awkwardly on the top of the head before he was released. Beast Boy controlled his tears. "We need to….get her…back to the Tower," he said, still struggling to catch his breath. The crying had left his head throbbing. Robin nodded.

"Cyborg, Starfire, she needs help badly, right away!" Robin said, turning around. "We're going to have to go back and leave this thing loose until we can make sure she's going to make it."

The prospect of her _not _making it almost made Beast Boy break down again, but he sucked it up, leaning down and picking Raven up carefully in his arms. "Let's go," he said shakily, standing up.

**XXX**

Beast Boy walked ahead of the others down the hall, still carrying Raven. He hurried into the Med. Bay and lay her down carefully on the cot that he remembered her being on before when everyone believed that he had hurt her as The Beast. He waited for the others to come in and watched Cyborg hook Raven up to the wires and machines. He felt sick and dizzy and worried beyond all belief. It felt as though his entire life was teetering on the very edge of some dark abyss. If anything happened to Raven, he was going to slip over. He was going to fall in.

"Is she gonna be OK?" he squeaked.

"We can't be sure yet," Robin said. Beast Boy swallowed several times.

"I understand," he said quietly.

Starfire was crying soundlessly, and Cyborg was attempting to comfort her as Robin stared at the monitors for a moment. "Her heart rate is stable," he said. "That's the best we can ask for right now. I'd like to stay, but we need to stop that…_thing _before it destroys half the city. I wouldn't be willing to risk it under any other circumstances, but the city needs us."

"So does Raven!" Beast Boy protested.

"You stay here and keep an eye on her," Robin said. Beast Boy nodded.

"She's gonna be OK, right?" he asked helplessly.

"You know I don't know that, Beast Boy. All we can do is hope for the best right now," Robin said.

"I know. But…she has to be OK! I love her, you guys!" Beast Boy said.

"I know," Robin said, placing a comforting hand on Beast Boy's shoulder. "But there's nothing we can do about it now. Just wait. Starfire, Cyborg, we need to stop this thing. Beast Boy, call us if anything develops."

"OK," Beast Boy replied weakly as the other three left the room, leaving him alone with Raven. Alone with Raven and his misery. "Oh God," he moaned, grabbing Raven's hand and squeezing it tightly. "You've got to be OK, Raven! You can't die on me! I need you! I love you so much! Please be OK!"

Raven only lay in silence.

Beast Boy gave a sad little sigh. He got up and went to get a damp cloth, hoping that when he came back she would be sitting up and waiting for him. She wasn't, however. Beast Boy removed his gloves and carefully used the cloth to wipe the blood from her cuts and clean the huge, painful-looking burn on her stomach.

"Please wake up!" he pleaded, wiping the dried blood from a cut on her temple. "If anything happens to you, I'm not going to make it. I'm seriously not. Please don't leave me. I can't do this alone."

Her pale face was still and she made no response. He sat there watching her for what seemed like hours, though it couldn't have been more than fifteen minutes. He memorized every detail of her face and remembered what her eyes looked like when they were open. He remembered the kind of feeling he got when she smiled at him. He remembered the wonderful feeling he had been filled up with when she told him she loved him too. He remembered kissing her in the park as the world passed by around them, how everything had melted away completely and he wanted to stay in that moment forever. He remembered what she felt like pressed up against him. He remembered their first kiss, on that night after his nightmare about Terra's death when Raven had comforted him. He remembered the times on the roof when they had connected so meaningfully. He remembered the day he had realized that he loved her. He remembered all the times since the Titans had began that he had spent trying to make her laugh. He remembered the day they had met with special fondness. The beginning of something that he had never even dreamed of.

_She had been so quiet, so distant, and he had been so reluctant to talk to her at first. She had been so mysterious, and it had almost scared him. She was pretty. He knew it. She didn't. He had no idea how to react. "Hi…uh…your name is Raven, right?" After that first 'hi' he gave her, he had wanted to keep talking forever. _

"_Hello...Beast Boy, was it?" her hello had held nothing more than irritation and a deep wish for him to go away. She didn't even look up from the book she was reading. _

"_Yeah. Um…what're ya reading?"_

"_A book." she had been so sarcastic. It had made him want to laugh because of her reaction to him. There was nothing more than annoyance coming toward him from her. So why had he stayed? He had had no idea that he would fall in love with this girl someday. _

"_I…um…like your cloak. It's cool." he had felt so stupid after he said this. _

_She had looked up for a moment. "Thanks," she had said simply but sincerely, clearly not used to compliments. _

"_I like that red jewel thing on your forehead, too. It's…um…shiny." he could have slapped himself. _

_She seemed almost embarrassed, now. "Thank you," she said very awkwardly. _

"_Yep." he had known right at that moment that he wanted to get to know this girl better. He didn't know why. He just wanted to be her friend. She was so dark, so quiet, so withdrawn. 'I need to hear her laugh,' he had thought. 'I am going to make her laugh someday.' and there the quest had begun. _

Beast Boy was surprised that he had remembered so much about that first day. Thinking back made him long to hear her voice again even more desperately. He dropped his head into his hands. "Please wake up, Raven. I really, really miss you. I'd do _anything _for you to be OK. If you're OK I'll…eat an entire cow…I'll wreck a Moped on purpose…I'll stop telling my stupid jokes!"

"Don't do that. I like your jokes," said a voice. Beast Boy's ears perked up and he looked up. His eyes widened, relief and joy filling the spaces that had been filled with fear and doubt. She was watching him with a slight smile on her face. He climbed up onto the cot with her.

"Raven!" he said loudly, throwing his arms around her tightly and holding her against him. He could feel himself starting to tear up. "Oh, God! I thought you were going to die! I thought I was going to lose you! I was so scared!" he said, starting to shake as she hugged him back.

"It's alright," Raven said soothingly, rubbing his back in small circles.

"I'm so glad you're OK," he said unsteadily. "I was so afraid I was going to lose you. Oh God Raven, I love you so much."

"I love you too, Beast Boy," Raven told him softly. "I don't want you to ever forget that."

Beast Boy nodded, giving her a tight squeeze and letting her go. He looked at her for a moment. "That burn is pretty bad. Does it hurt a lot?" he asked.

Raven looked down. "Yes," she said, staring at the red and blistering skin. A glowing white hand hovered over the burn for a moment, and then it vanished, there was nothing but the smooth grayish skin of Raven's stomach and no evidence of the burn whatsoever. Beast Boy reached out his hand and touched what used to be the burn lightly, surprised that something so painful could disappear so completely. Raven jumped slightly, and Beast Boy drew his hand away quickly. "I'm sorry. It's alright," Raven said, gently guiding his hand back to the bare skin of her stomach. He ran his fingertips lightly over the smooth skin, watching Raven's face carefully. He drew his hand back after a moment and bent down, kissing her lips softly, barely aware that he was straddling her. She returned the kiss, looping her arms around his neck at first and then wrapping them around his body as the kiss became more intense. The kiss continued passionately for a few more minutes, and then Raven broke away and worked the top of Beast Boy's outfit down, letting it hang around his waist and kissing him again, running her hands over his bare back. Beast Boy shuddered slightly with pleasure as her fingers trailed gracefully down to his lower back and then up again. She took her lips away from his and trailed down his neck and to his chest. She covered his chest with a progression of short, quick kisses as her hands continued their journey. They stopped at his lower back and went down a bit lower-

"Uh…sorry to interrupt," said a voice. Beast Boy and Raven both jumped at once and looked in the direction of it. The other three Titans were standing in the doorway, their eyes bulging to inhuman sizes.

"Well, that's not something you see every day," Cyborg said, looking slightly disturbed. "Two of your best friends half naked in a bed…"

Raven and Beast Boy were both blushing furiously. Beast Boy pulled his shirt all the way on and climbed off of Raven, standing on the floor beside the cot and unable to conceal his embarrassment. He was nothing compared to Raven, though, who looked like she would enjoy nothing more than hiding in a hole.

"On Tamaran, I believe that this would be called an attempt at the beginning of the act of making the babies," Starfire said.

"Right you are Starfire, right you are," Cyborg said. "I was really wondering when you two were going to stop kidding yourselves and admit your feelings."

Beast Boy looked around for something, anything to change the subject. "Um…by the way you guys, Raven woke up. Isn't that great?" he asked awkwardly. "She's OK!"

"Gee, I had no idea! Alert the press!" Robin said. Cyborg and Beast Boy started laughing. "It's OK, Raven. We're not going to be shitty about it or anything. We all knew how you two felt, anyway," Robin said kindly.

"Good. Because if you said anything rude I was going to have to-" Raven began.

"Whoa. Easy," Cyborg said. He walked over to Beast Boy and Raven and threw an arm around each of their shoulders. "Now what do you say we all go and get a pizza, my treat?"

"That sounds great, Cyborg. Let's go," Raven said in a surprisingly chipper voice.

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**Next chapter soon. Sorry if this chapter was too long. I got really into writing drama again. **


	25. Only the Best

**Disclaimer: ha!**

**Chapter twenty-five! Yessss, the numbers are getting high! Enjoy! I couldn't resist putting the movie night scene in here. It's just too funny to imagine all the clips. This chapter is going to be short and pointless, but it was fun for me. The next chapter will be a serious one, don't worry. **

**I'm sorry if this story is boring. I promise the next chapter will be very relevant to the storyline. **

**Woo! I got TT socks! They have Robin on them! They're so cool! **

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_**"Love is not what we become, but what we already are." **_

_**-Unknown

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**_

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"Whoa Cyborg, when you said we were all going to go get a pizza, I didn't realize you meant we were _all _going to get a pizza," Robin said. The five Teen Titans were sitting at a table at the pizza place, close to the construction zone where workers were still repairing the ripped-up street. They each had a pizza of their own (Beast Boy's with soy cheese).

"Well, we need to gorge ourselves more often," Cyborg said, taking a large bite of his pizza, which was covered with ham, sausage, and pepperoni. Starfire's was a cheese pizza sprinkled with mint chocolate chips, Beast Boy's was a plain pizza with soy cheese, Raven's was a strange combination of olives and pineapples, and Robin's was the standard pepperoni. And why am I telling you what kinds of pizza they got? Do you care?

"You're right," Beast Boy said ecstatically through a mouthful of soy cheese. "We're superheroes, right? We need the extra energy. Thanks for the pizza, Cy."

"No problem, BB," Cyborg said. "Only the best for the Teen Titans, right?"

"Right," Beast Boy said.

"This is great and everything, but I want to know one thing…what happens when none of us can finish the pizza and there isn't enough room in the fridge to store it?" Raven asked. She had changed into a fresh leotard before they left, and was feeling much less exposed with her stomach covered.

"Who says we're not gonna finish?" Cyborg asked, taking another large bite.

"Friends, I elect that we participate in the celebration of Venlucks once again tomorrow for Friend Raven. The events of today were quite unpleasant, and I was worried she was going to lose her life," Starfire said. (don't worry. I'm not going to waste your time actually writing about it)

"Again?" Robin asked.

"Yes," Starfire said.

"Alright. Um…Raven, would that be OK with you, then?" Robin asked.

Raven shrugged. "I guess. It'll give us another glamorous bracelet, anyway," she said sarcastically, causing Beast Boy to giggle under his breath.

None of the other Titans seemed to be even slightly phased by the fact that he and Raven were now a couple, which made him wonder if maybe they had all known it was going to happen from the very beginning. (that was a totally pointless scene. I apologize)

**XXX**

"I told you we wouldn't finish," Raven said as the five of them walked into the living room.

"Save it," Cyborg said to her, punching her lightly on the arm. "We _will _finish it…eventually."

"Hey guys, who votes for movie night?" Beast Boy said excitedly, whipping out a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn. "All in favor, raise your hands!"

Obligated by his enthusiasm, the other four raised their hands in unison.

"Great!" he said. "I'll make the popcorn!"

"I'll take care of the soda. Can you three agree on a movie to watch without anyone losing an eye?" Robin asked. The white-cloaked demon, the red-headed alien, and the half-robot looked at each other all at once.

"I think we can come to a compromise," Cyborg said, winking.

"Good," Robin said, following Beast Boy into the kitchen.

When they were both busily preparing food, Robin spoke.

"Beast Boy, I wanted to thank you," he said.

"For….?" Beast Boy asked, watching the popcorn bag start to swell.

"For helping me with Starfire. I would never have been able to tell her how I feel without your help."

"It was no problem. If it weren't for you, I never would have been able to realize how I really feel about Raven," Beast Boy said.

"Well, I'm glad we could help each other out," said Robin, placing another six-pack of soda on the table. "And I'm glad you didn't try to kill yourself again, too. You aren't ever going to do that again, right?" he asked sternly.

"Of course not," Beast Boy said.

"I want to be sure. A lot of people relapse and attempt suicide again when they seem to be feeling normal again…for various reasons," Robin said.

"Dude, I'm not gonna do that. Yeah, I still miss Terra, but I could never leave Raven here alone. I could never leave any of you guys here knowing that your best friend was stupid enough to tale the coward's way out," Beast Boy said. "I won't do it again, I promise."

"Good," Robin said, waiting for the microwave to beep and Beast Boy to get the bag out before they headed for the living room. "Did we decide on something?" Robin asked as they walked in and sat down on the sofa.

"Sure did," Cyborg said, smiling.

"Yes, Robin, we have chosen a splendid movie," Starfire said.

"This is going to be amusing," Raven said, sitting down next to Beast Boy as Cyborg pushed the tape into the VCR.

"What is it?" Beast Boy asked.

"You'll see," Raven told him, resting her head on his shoulder. Beast Boy put his arm around her and looked at the screen. There was a moment of static, and then Robin appeared on the screen. Raven was standing a few feet behind him with a rather devilish smile on her face. They both looked very slightly younger.

The Robin on the screen chuckled softly. "_OK, here we are waiting for Cyborg to come back from picking up a pizza. He's the new member of the team, and you know what that means!" _

"_It means he has to be initiated," _Raven said. _"In a horribly embarrassing way."_

"_Right you are, Raven," _Robin said, smiling evilly_. " And we're getting it on tape. I hear him! Quick, get everything ready!" _he pulled out a large sequined red dress and a curly blonde wig. Raven picked up the camera and held it steady. There came the sound of Cyborg whistling nearby, getting closer and closer. He then came into view.

"_Hey Robin, Raven. Why you got a video camera? What are you…doing with that dress…"_ Cy asked, backing away slightly. Robin lunged forward with the dress, and Cyborg took off at a run. Robin chased him, and Raven followed close behind with the camera, capturing the scene of Robin chasing Cyborg down, getting him on the ground, and getting the dress and wig on him.

"_OK, Cyborg. Now, we have a little treat for you," _Robin said.

And then the scene faded out, and came back to one of Cyborg walking back and forth across main street in the wig and dress. The camera turned every once in a while to Robin, who was laughing uncontrollably. Finally he stopped, and stood poised before the camera. _"And that's how Teen Titans are made_," he said, unconscious of Cyborg coming up behind him silently with a baseball bat.

The five teenagers on the sofa were laughing hysterically, spilling popcorn on the floor in their frenzy of giggles.

"Dude, Cy, you were wearing a dress!" Beast Boy giggled violently. "That is priceless!"

"Yeah, laugh it up BB. Your initiation tape is next," Cyborg said menacingly. Beast Boy stopped giggling dead in his tracks.

"Don't get so high and mighty. I remember how bad yours is," Raven said, kissing his cheek absentmindedly.

"So do I," Beast Boy said miserably. "It still gives me nightmares. Why didn't Star have that bad of an initiation?"

"Because Robin had a little crush on her," Raven said. Robin muttered something and shrugged.

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**I'll get the next chappie up sooner. It won't take a damn week this time. **


	26. Initiation

**Disclaimer: Rar!**

**Before the routine stuff, I need to ask all of you a question: Do you think I should include a lemon in this story? I'm a bit unsure, so I decided to ask my lovely reviewers. Please let me know what you think about this situation, and tell me why you think it. Thanks! **

_**Chapter twenty-six. This chapter originally didn't exist. It just went on to the next set of events without really elaborating on the initiations of the other Titans. But since you guys seemed to enjoy it, I have added them in! It's just so darned fun to write! Wee! I finally dyed my hair blood red again. I'm so happy! You don't care, do you:smiles like an idiot: Thanks for reviewing you guys! I love you all!**_

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"The course of true love never did run smoothly."

-William Shakespear

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The five Teen Titans sat on the sofa for a moment, waiting patiently before the next image came onto the screen. Raven, Cyborg, and Robin were standing in front of the camera. Cyborg and Robin were snickering softly, though Raven just looked slightly amused.

"_We've got a new member, and you know what that means_," she said with a slightly evil grin.

"_It means Beast Boy is in for a rather rude awakening!" _Cyborg said cheerfully. Robin grabbed the camera.

"_He's moving his things into his room right now. Maybe we should give him a hand," _he said. This produced snickering from Cyborg and Raven. Robin moved forward with the camera, following Raven and Cyborg down the hall. Cyborg knocked lightly on the door.

"_Yeah?"_ came a voice from inside. The door slid open, and a slightly younger version of Beast Boy appeared. "_Oh, uh…hi guys_."

"_Hello, Beast Boy," _Raven said slightly savagely. It was obvious that she disliked the young changeling immensely.

"_What's the camera for?" _Beast Boy asked. Seeing the wicked looks on the faces of the other three teenagers, he backed up a few paces.

"_Oh, nothing,"_ Robin said from behind the camera. _"we just wanted to congratulate you for making it into the Teen Titans."_

Beast Boy looked suspicious. He may have been just a fourteen-year-old newbie, but he wasn't completely inexperienced. With people like this, the situation was never as innocent as it seemed. _"What's the catch?" _he asked.

"_There is no catch. It's just that we like to celebrate new team members a certain way," _Raven said, trying to conceal a sinister chuckle.

"_Oh yeah? And how's that?" _Beast Boy asked, squinting at the young violet-haired Titan.

"_Like this!" _Cyborg whooped, whipping out his sonic boom and pointing it at Beast Boy. Having seen this particular piece of machinery in action, the changeling recoiled. Before he had the chance to speak, the device on Cyborg's arm shot a huge blast of a strange green substance. The emerald jet hit Beast Boy and sent him flying backwards onto the floor. The green mush kept shooting out at an incredible pace, pouring onto the fallen Titan and off onto the floor, rushing around the room and soaking into the carpet. When the green finally stopped coming, Beast Boy sat up, looking a bit disoriented.

"_Green jell-o? How did you get it into your gun thingy?" _he asked, looking bemused and licking a bit of the lime-flavored slime from him chin with his abnormally long tongue. _"Why?" _(uh-oh. Has he forgotten that there's gelatin in jell-o?)

"_Initiation. It's a sort of tradition around here," _came Robin's voice cheerfully as he whipped out a water balloon and heaved it at Beast Boy. It his him square in the forehead and exploded, sending a wave of whipped cream over his head and face. He sputtered, spitting the white foam in attempt to get it away from his mouth.

"_You guys are nuts," _Beast Boy said, shaking his head in wonder. _"Why do you do this stuff?"_

Raven stepped forward with a slightly playful smile on her face and delicately placed a cherry on top of his head. _"Because we can_," she told him. She turned and started to walk out of the room, but Beast Boy grabbed the Azarathian by the arm and yanked her down into the puddle of liquidized green jell-o with him. She landed on her back and the limey goodness immediately soaked through her cloak and leotard. She sat up, looking like she was about ready to murder him, and then she only sighed and got up. _"You're lucky I'm in a good mood."_ she said before she walked out of the room. The image faded out.

A new image appeared on the screen. This time, there were five Titans before the camera; Beast Boy, Robin, Cyborg, Starfire and Raven. The camera was sitting on a table.

"_Dude, you know by now what we're doing and why we have this recording," _Beast Boy told the camera. In the background, there were tables where people sat devouring cheese-drenched slices of pizza (mmmmmm! I want cheese!). They were obviously in the pizza place.

Starfire looked significantly confused. She was holding a rubber chicken and wearing a pair of yellow rain boots and an eye patch. "_Friends, I am understanding why we would choose to journey to the place of the edible cheesy wheels, but what I am not understanding is why I am dressed so strangely, and why I am holding this squeaky bird," _she said, flopping the rubber chicken around a bit for emphasis.

Beast Boy covered his mouth to avoid laughing too hard. It was obvious that he was enjoying this, having never been around for the initiation of a new team member before. Raven rolled her eyes. It had been a few months since the last clip, but she still appeared to have an aversion to him.

"_OK, I'll explain it again, Starfire. You carry the chicken around and ask if anyone will lick it," _Cyborg said. Starfire looked disturbed.

"_Um…alright. I shall get this over with," _Starfire said uncertainly, walking forward. She stopped at a table. _"Excuse me, would you care to eat the lovely chicken of the rubber?" _she asked the woman who sat devouring her pizza.

The woman looked up at Starfire like she was insane.

"_Please go away now," _the woman said. Starfire looked hurt.

"_Very well, then," _she said, heading over to the next table. "_Excuse me sir, do you wish to partake in a meal of a splendid rubber bird?" _she held out the rubber chicken.

The man stared at the chicken for a moment. "_Ch-chicken?" _he asked.

"_Yes!" _Starfire chirped happily.

"_Chicken?" _the man asked again, his eye starting to twitch. Starfire took a few steps back.

"_Yes," _she said timidly, shrinking back.

The man leaped to his feet. _"You…you have a chicken! SATAN! Chickens are spawn of **Satan!**" _the man screamed, pointing a long, thin, accusing finger in the direction of the squeaky yellow bird in Starfire's gentle hands. "**S_ssssssssatan!" _**he collapsed onto the ground, sobbing. "_Why God, why? Why hast thou forsaken me so? I will not eat the chicken!" _and with that, the man climbed shakily to his feet, suddenly seemingly normal. He turned to walk away, and then he turned back in Starfire's direction, his eyes wide and mad. He grabbed the rubber chicken swiftly from her grasp. He threw it onto the ground, stomping it several times. "_I will never join your mindless zombie armies, you filthy pig-livered bacon finger smooshy!'" _and then he turned and fled.

Starfire picked up the now flattened rubber chicken from the ground and walked over to her friends, who were strangely subdued.

"_I do not think anyone will be wanting the chicken today," _she said, looking a bit shaken as she placed the chicken in Robin's waiting hands. Robin, still looking considerably disturbed, walked over and shut the camera off, and the tv screen went black.

A new image appeared. This time, there were four Titans in front of the camera, and Cyborg was holding it. There was a lot of noise in the background and crowds of people. Jump City Mall.

"_Come on, Raven, come out from behind that pop machine before we have to get Cy to move it!" _Beast Boy said.

"_Raven didn't get initiated at first, and so we're doing hers now," _Robin explained to the camera, and then turned his attention back to the scene. _"Come on Raven, it's part of the rules. Get out from behind there," _he said.

"_I hate you," _came a voice from behind the pop machine as Raven squeezed herself out from the small gap. Beast Boy latched onto her wrist to be sure she wasn't going to run, and she sighed in irritation. None of the others could help laughing.

Raven was wearing a pair of extremely baggy jeans, white wife-beater shirt, and a large chain around her neck with a clunky T attached to the end. She was wearing a sideways baseball cap too. She didn't look happy.

"_Whose idea was that outfit? She looks like a female version of those weird wannabe Eminem guys," _Beast Boy said.

"_Who is this…'Eminem'?" _Starfire asked.

"_No one important," _Robin said.

"_So what do I have to do?" _Raven asked.

"_You just have to rap," _Beast Boy said, giggling.

"_**What**?" _Raven asked, looking dangerously close to exploding.

"_I'm just joking," _Beast Boy said quickly. _"You just have to walk up to some random person and talk gangsta…and then rap." _

"_And what if I don't know how to talk gangta?"_

"_Then you're pretty much screwed, huh?" _Beast Boy said with a shrug.

"_You'd better get started, Raven," _Cyborg said.

"_Yes. I wish to see what a 'gangsta' is. It is some type of bird?" _Starfire asked.

"_No Star, it's- you'll see," _Robin said with a sigh.

Raven gave a very loud sigh also. _"You are all going to pay very dearly for this someday_," she said as she started forward. The other four Titans were laughing as she walked over to a random person who was fighting with the pop machine over a dollar bill. _"Hey, homie g," _she said emotionlessly. The girl turned around and looked at Raven, raising an eyebrow.

"_Um…hello," _the girl said, trying hide the fact that she was disturbed.

"_How's it goin, pimp joos?" _

"_Uh…OK."_

"_That's good man. West side," _Raven babbled.

"_Um….yeah," _the girl said, backing up a bit.

"_Where ya goin, g?" _Raven asked, though clearly glad that the girl was going

"_Home," _the girl said, trying desperately to hide the fact that she was urgently freaked out.

"_Oh come on homie, I gotta rap for you," _Raven said.

"_What?"_

"_Well, it goes a little something like this," _Raven said. (note: imagine this being very badly rapped and not metered at all) _"Yo yo yo. I got a couple of stupid friends. Yo yo yo, they's makin me act like a frickin retard. Yo yo yo, and all that shit, man. I gonna kick the hell outta Beast Boy. Yo. What. Uh. Yeah. I eat food and all that stuff, yeah yeah yeah. Hey hey, look at the penguin? Yo yo yo, I'm done now." _Raven finished with no emotion whatsoever in her voice.

"_Um….that was interesting," _the girl said, her eyebrow pretty much floating above her head

"_Don't even try to deny it. It was stupid. You can go now. I'm sorry I bothered you," _Raven said, turning and walking back to the Titans, who were all laughing hysterically. _"Whose idea was this one, anyway?" _she asked through clenched teeth.

"_B-Beast Boy's," _Robin stammered, struggling to control his laughter.

Raven turned her eyes on Beast Boy, who stopped laughing immediately. _"Whoa, easy dude! It was just for fun! I didn't mean to make you mad!" _he pleaded desperately.

"_Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos!" _Raven chanted, extending her hands. Beast Boy lifted off the ground, enveloped in her energy. He was screaming hysterically.

"_Oh shit! Don't-don't do that, Raven!" _Robin said as Cyborg shut the camera off quickly.

And then the screen came back to another area of the mall.

"_We're killing two birds with one stone today," _Cyborg said cheerfully. (get it? Robin and Raven are both birds, and they're doing both of their initiations today)

"_Killing is right," _said Robin miserably.

"_Stop whining, I had to do it," _Raven said from behind the camera. She turned the camera on Robin.

Robin was dressed in his normal outfit, but he had a deep magenta lacy bra over his shirt. He was also wearing a short, curly rainbow clown wig and a red rubber nose. His face was painted white and pink with a sloppy blue star on his cheek, and he looked extremely harassed. He sighed.

"_Let's just get this over with," _Robin said with a sigh. He took off at a run and started sprinting around in circles. People turned their attention to the boy in the cape and bra and clown attire and started laughing. "_Mo! Moo! Boobies! Come on Sandy, we're going on a raid of the lobster farm! Weeeeee! Help me hang my panties up to dry!" _

"_Get a job you bum!" _yelled a random guy who was walking by.

"_How could you do this to me?"_ Robin asked, collapsing to his knees and grabbing the guy's pant leg. _"After all I've done for you! I mad you urchin baby custard for every day of the week! I packed it all into your potato chippy briefcase to start a new day, and this is how you thank me? With your lies and discarded bed sheets!" _

"_Excuse me?" _the guy asked. _"What's the matter with you?" _

"_Don't pretend you don't sense the awesome power of my long-lost sister's navel hair! I don't know where you think you're going, but you'd better not go. I has connections. I will shoot down your plane! You will land in Cambodia where only flies will lick your wounds and you will be carried to alien ceremonies by the blanket warriors of New York!" _

"_What?" _the guy asked, backing away from Robin and jerking his pant leg out of his grip.

"_Don't act like you don't know the code, Santa!" _Robin bellowed, climbing to his feet.

The guy was looking more and more frightened by the second.

"_Please get away from me! Don't kill me!" _the guy said, backing up some more.

"_Don't run from me, Betty! I loooooves you! Will you marry me?" _Robin asked.

The man turned and ran out of the mall.

Robin returned to normal and walked back over to the four laughing teenagers. They were pretty much exploding. Raven was holding the camera with her powers so it wouldn't shake as she laughed.

"_shut that thing off!" _Robin said grumpily. Still laughing, Raven shut the camera off.

Back on the sofa in Titans Tower, the five young superheroes were all laughing so hard that the popcorn was spilling onto the floor. Clutching his stomach with one hand, Beast Boy held onto Raven's arm for support with the other.

"That was awesome!" he said.

"It did bring up a lot of memories," Robin choked through his laughter.

The five of them laughed for a few minutes, struggling to breathe properly, when suddenly another image appeared on the TV screen. Slightly confused, they turned their attention to it.

"What is this? I forget what all we had on this tape," Robin said.

"I don't know. Let's just watch it anyway," Cyborg said.

On the screen, the five Titans were standing there laughing as they had so many times before. But there was something different. Someone else was with them. Terra.

"_Um…what do I have to do?" _she asked, looking confused and scratching her head. _"And why?"_

"_When you became a Titan the first time, we never got to properly initiate you," _Raven explained with a slightly sadistic smile.

"_Yeah. And now that you're not a rock anymore, we've gotta initiate you!" _Beast Boy said excitedly from behind the camera.

"_Do I really have to do this?" _Terra asked.

"_If you want to be a Titan again," _Robin said innocently.

Terra sighed. _"OK," _she said reluctantly. Summoning a rock that was sitting nearby, she hopped onto it and floated up over main street. Hesitating for a moment, Terra then started dancing like a monkey. _"Yeah! Uh!" _she said loudly, causing people who were walking below to look up at the strange blonde. She coughed several times before she started singing at the top of her lungs, her voice cracking purposely. _"I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny. When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung. Want to pull up tough, 'cause you noticed that butt was stuck beef to the jeans she's wearing, I'm hooked and I can't stop staring. Oh baby, I wanna get wit cha, and get your pictcha. My homeboys tried to warn me, but that butt you got makes me so horny. Ooooh, rumple smooth skin, ya say ya wanna get in my benz. Well use me, use me, 'cause I ain't that average groupie. I seen her dancing, to hell with romancing. She sweat. Wet. She's got it going like a turbo jet. I'm tired of magazines. Seein flat butts are the thing. 'Cause the average black man, ask him that, she's got to pack much back. So fellas, YAH! Fellas, YAH! 'Cause your girlfriend's got the butt HELL YEAH! Shake it, yeah, shake it, yeah! Shake that healthy butt! Baby got back!" _( if I tried to type the whole song, my hands would fall off). After the first verse, Terra guided the rock back to the ground and hopped off.

The other Titans were laughing.

"_Dude, how did you remember that much of that song?" _Beast Boy asked.

"_That's MY song, baby!" _Terra said, laughing. Her lack of embarrassment was surprising.

"_You've done that before, haven't you?" _Raven asked.

"_I've lost a lot of bets in my life," _Terra explained.

"_Congratulations, Terra," _Robin said. "_You're part of the team again." _

"_Yeah! We're back!" _Beast Boy cheered.

"_Thanks, guys," _Terra said, smiling as Beast Boy flashed a thumbs up sign in front of lens and then turned off the camera.

Back on the sofa, there was an uneasy silence. The Titans sat glumly, staring at the now blank screen. Cyborg grabbed the remote and shut the TV off.

"Terra," Beast Boy muttered soullessly, still staring at the screen. Raven looped an arm around his shoulders.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, stroking the changeling's cheek lightly. Beast Boy rested his cheek on her shoulder.

"This sucks," Robin said quietly. "That feeling before…it was so…content. And now it just feels like something is missing."

"You know what…I think we need a group hug right about here," Cyborg said.

"Yes!" Starfire said happily, leaping over to the other three and taking Robin with her. Cyborg grabbed Beast Boy and Raven and pulled them into the group hug. Beast Boy hugged as many of his friends as he could reach, squeezing them desperately.

"Terra would want us to be happy, right?" Cyborg asked as the five of them broke apart and returned to their original places.

"Yeah," Beast Boy said. "She…would."

"She would want us to have fun," Starfire said.

"Yeah," Robin said.

"Then let's have some fun!" Cyborg said, brightening suddenly. He grabbed a slice of pizza from one of the boxes on the table. "Heads up, BB!" he said, throwing the cheesy triangle. The piece of pizza hit Beast Boy in the side of the head.

He sat still for a moment, sauce and melted cheese sticking to his hair, and then he turned and grabbed a slice also, a smile on his face. "You are so dead Cy!" he yelled, hurling the pizza at Cyborg, who ducked. The slice hit Robin instead. Robin turned to Beast Boy, a very dangerous look on his face. Beast Boy shuddered.

"Well Beast Boy, I guess there's only one thing I can say now," the Boy Wonder said, wiping sauce from his face. The other four sat in nervous apprehension for what he was about to say. "Food fight!" Robin yelled, grabbing a slice of pizza and hurling it into Raven's face.

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**Yay! Next chapter soon. Sorry that took so long. I spent most of the week on this chapter. It was the longest one yet and I didn't have very big windows to get it written. **


	27. Skin on Skin

**Disclaimer: I will poop on your things!**

**Yay! Chapter twenty-seven! I'm sorry, but in regards to the lemon, it's not going to happen. First of all, I have no firsthand experience so it would be unrealistic, and second of all it's against my values, because I think teenagers who have sex are being extremely irresponsible and stupid. So, BB and Rae get a little more intimate than they have so far, but they don't fuck. Sorry to those of you who wanted the lemon. I read lemons, but I can't write them. **

**Big thanks to The Halfa Wannabe for giving me an idea for this chapter. The whole concept of fear in Beast Boy really seems to fit. Thanks so much!**

**This chapter has another damn dream sequence in it, but it's ok. This one is different. **

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"That was humiliating," Beast Boy said with a sigh.

"It wasn't as bad as mine," Raven reminded him. "I had all _four _of you gang up on me because we didn't come up with the tradition until I was already on the team. Robin too. You should just feel lucky you only had three against you."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Beast Boy said. They were walking down the hallway toward their rooms. It was nearly midnight, and the only thing that had been going on for the last hour and a half was throwing pizza around the living room. Beast Boy was surprised that Robin had allowed them to be so immature. It was strange. As time went by, the five of them seemed to be letting go of seriousness and dignity more and more instead of maturing. He wondered if this was normal.

The two of them reached the door to Raven's room and stopped.

"Well…I'll see you tomorrow," Beast Boy said. He felt a little uneasy about leaving her after the horrible feeling almost losing her had produced earlier. He couldn't stay with her for every moment, though, and he knew it.

Raven smiled. "Goodnight," she said softly, kissing him on the cheek. She turned to leave.

"Raven?" Beast Boy asked. She turned back to him.

"Yes?"

"I'm really glad you're OK," Beast Boy said quietly, brushing a strand of hair out of Raven's face.

"So am I, Beast Boy. I would miss you," she answered.

"I would miss you too." he stepped forward and kissed the smiling telekinetic briefly before stepping back and allowing her to depart. The door to her bedroom slid open.

"Goodnight, Beast Boy," she said as she stepped though the door. "I love you."

"Love you too," Beast Boy answered before the door slid shut. He turned and headed for his own room. As he walked along, he started to think.

Beast Boy was extremely glad that Raven had found him when she did. If he had died, he realized then that he would never have gotten the chance to really live. He could have died and left behind everything that might have been, everything that he had now, everything that he cared about. The thought scared him slightly. The feeling of uncertainty that he had experienced as he dragged that blade across his wrists returned to him. He felt stupid for ever attempting it. Looking back, he realized that he had been much more selfish and ignorant than he was now just a short time ago. He was glad that he had realized that he had things to live for before he attempted that again.

When he reached his room, he stripped down to his magenta boxers and hopped into bed. After such a long day, he was completely drained. He closed his eyes and despite his unfounded worry about Raven, sleep came rushing in to carry him away on its wings of darkness.

**XXX**

_Beast Boy was aware immediately of where he was. It was obvious. The landscape was covered in dull white snow, but the air was warm. The dead trees were dark and threatening, rising up out of the powdery snow like goosebumps on naked skin. He started forward, not exactly sure where he was supposed to be going. He just couldn't bring himself to stop. He walked on across a lonely terrain for a few steady minutes, and then became aware of something before him. At first, it didn't quite register in his mind, and then he became fully aware of what this thing was. It was a large patch of red soaked into the snow, melting parts of it and staining the soil beneath crimson. Blood. Terra's blood. _

_Beast Boy sank to his knees in the snow before the scarlet patch, old feelings resurfacing…things he hadn't thought about in a while. All the old feelings of hopelessness over the death of a friend. As he sat there, he realized that the snow all around was melting rapidly. The soil was drenched in the moisture, and everywhere over the blank landscape, grass began poking through the soil, growing and forming an emerald carpet. The dead trees sprouted soft green leaves, and all around him wildflowers grew up at a visible pace up through the grass and bloomed, filling the air with a warm, hazy scent. The turbulent gray sky above slowly changed, the clouds dissolving and leaving nothing but a clear azure expanse high above with the occasional fluffy white cloud floating unthreateningly in the sea of blue. The sun appeared and shone down cheerfully on what had once been a harsh world._

_Beast Boy looked around at the changed area, realizing that a hopelessly happy feeling was taking over him without his control. He inhaled the scent in the air and realized that he was picking up a human scent as well. He was slightly alarmed. _

"_Hey, Beast Boy," said a voice behind him. He turned around and was completely shocked out of his mind to see the young blonde earth-mover standing a few feet behind him with a smile on her face. _

"_Terra?" he asked, surprised. _

"_Yep," she answered. _

"_But I thought you were….." he trailed off, unable to finish his sentence. _

"_Dead?" Terra asked. "When someone is really our friend, and when we refuse to forget them…they're never really gone."_

_Beast Boy smiled. "Thanks, Terra."_

"_I saw what happened. You shouldn't have tried to kill yourself, Beast Boy. It wouldn't solve anything," she said, looking slightly distressed. _

"_I know that now. I've changed since then. I would never try that again," Beast Boy assured her. _

"_I know you've changed. I've seen everything. And about Raven….she really loves you, BB. Try to remember that even if times get rough. I'm not one to say, but my bet is she could never stop loving you."_

"_So…you don't mind?" Beast Boy asked. "I felt sort of guilty…you being dead and everything and moving on felt sort of selfish."_

"_Of course I don't mind. You're my best friend, Beast Boy. And moving on is never selfish. Not letting yourself move on is what's selfish. It makes the person who you refuse to let go hurt seeing you that way. I'm glad you could move on. You've got to let go sometime, right? You can move on without forgetting someone. All you have to remember is that you never really lose a friend. Even if they die physically, they'll always be there in your heart. Friendship is something that never really dies."_

_Beast Boy nodded slowly. "I think I'm moving on OK. If it wasn't for Raven…I don't think I would have been able to get past it."_

"_You guys have something really special, huh?"_

"_I hope so," Beast Boy said. _

"_BB…I'm sorry I never…you know…let you in. It wasn't that I didn't like you…it's just that I have trouble with that sort of thing and-"_

"_Don't sweat it man, it's OK," Beast Boy said. _

"_And I'm also sorry that I betrayed you guys. I know I've said it before, but I really am sorry. I still don't know…why I did it. It was wrong and it was stupid, and I never should have even let myself think that Slade could help me. I should never have stooped to that level just to get control…to find somewhere I belonged. I just ended up making it worse. You guys were the only ones who could have helped me…and I didn't see that. Instead, I had to turn to Slade. I had to listen to his bullshit. I hate myself for hurting you. When I got brought back after being a rock…I tried to make it up to all of you the best I could, but I didn't do very well," Terra said. _

"_You were our friend. That's the best you could do to make up for it, and you did it. Consider it forgotten, OK?" Beast Boy asked, grinning. _

"_I guess," Terra said uncertainly. _

"_No, don't guess. Know."_

"_OK," Terra said. "So…we're still friends?"_

"_Of course. We always were," Beast Boy said. _

_Terra smiled. "Good. At least my conscience is clear." _

"_Yeah," Beast Boy said. "You'll sleep easier now, right?" he said, smiling. He felt content in talking to someone he had lost again. All his doubts about her being OK wherever she was were gone. Actually seeing her there made him feel better about her death than he ever had before. _

"_Beast Boy?" asked a voice. He turned around, and saw Raven standing near him. _

"_Hi Raven," he said, beaming at her. _

"_Hi," Raven said quietly with a small smile at him. _

"_Um…hi," Terra said nervously. Beast Boy was surprised when Raven smiled. _

"_Hello, Terra. Thank you for letting Beast Boy know it was alright," she said. _

"_Uh…no problem?" Terra said. _

_Raven nodded at her. "It's time to go, Beast Boy," she said gently. Beast Boy nodded. _

"_Bye Terra," he said. _

"_See ya soon, BB. If you ever need me, I'll be right here." she grinned. "Remember, I'm not really gone. I never was. I've been with you all along," Terra said. _

"_Thanks again, Terra," Beast Boy said. _

"_Yeah. Um…bye Raven."_

_Raven nodded at her with a slight smile. "Now, let's get you home, Beast Boy," she said. Beast Boy nodded, giving Terra one last wave. Raven took his arm gently in hers, and suddenly the landscape was spinning…he was plummeting forward…losing his footing…_

Beast Boy sat up, looking around. He was in his own dark bedroom. Raven was sitting over him, still holding onto his arm. She let go and sat back a little.

"What…what was that?" Beast Boy asked. Had Raven really come to retrieve him from his dream, or was this simply a coincidence? "Was that a dream, or…"

"In a way yes, but it was also not. Your subconscious was transported to an alternate reality…I'm guessing that's how all of the dreams you've had about this have been. They really happened, but they didn't affect true reality. Terra got the chance to talk to you again, but I had to come and wake you up. I was starting to worry," Raven said, smiling gently at him. "After what happened last time."

Beast Boy made to sit up, but Raven put a hand on his chest and held him back, lying down beside him instead. She nestled against him and her lips found his in the darkness.

Beast Boy kissed her back, happy to be with her again. He trailed his fingers absentmindedly across her cheek. When the kiss ended, he kissed her hair several times, inhaling her scent deeply, and then rested his forehead against hers.

"Goodnight, Raven," he said quietly.

"Goodnight, Beast Boy," came her whisper tenderly out of the dark. Beast Boy smiled contentedly, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around her warm body.

"Beast Boy?" Raven asked a few minutes later, seemingly out of nowhere.

"Yeah?"

"Nice underwear," Raven answered, laughing softly. Beast Boy looked and realized that he was wearing nothing but his boxers, and blushed furiously.

"Oh…uh…sorry," he said.

"That's OK," Raven said, chuckling slightly again. "You don't need to be embarrassed. Here, I'll make it even." with that, she sat up and before Beast Boy could say a word, she slipped out of her leotard and placed it off to the side, adjusting her black bra slightly and then lying back down beside him. "There," she said with a smile.

Beast Boy was unable to speak for a moment, struck by the fact that Raven Roth was in her underwear. He just stared at her for a moment.

"R-Raven," he stammered after a few seconds. "What are you doing?"

"What do you think I'm doing?" she asked innocently, moving closer to him so they were only inches apart and caressing his chest lightly. There was a slightly mischievous look in her eyes.

"Raven, do you really think we should be…I mean…do you think this is a good idea? Do you really think we're ready for…you know…" he stammered. Despite the fact that he loved her beyond comprehension, he felt a bit hesitant. Thoughts chased each other around his head at light speed. He was fifteen years old. Was he ready for this? Was he being a wimp? Was it supposed to be the girl who had the values? Was Raven going to think he was spineless?

He was interrupted by Raven's soft laugh as she caressed his cheek gently.

"Beast Boy, I'm not asking you to go all the way with me," she said soothingly. "It's OK. You can calm down. I just want to get a little closer to you, if you know what I mean. That's all. I'm not going to get naked or anything." Beast Boy had never heard anyone sound so reassuring. He felt relief flood through his veins.

"OK. Good. I was kinda freaked out for a minute there," he said with a small laugh.

"I noticed," Raven said with a smile. "It's OK. I'd never make you do anything you didn't want to do."

"I know," Beast Boy told her. She came a bit closer to him, enclosing her arms loosely around his neck. His arms slid around her waist, his hands caressing the smooth skin of her back. Raven gently ran her fingers through his hair. Beast Boy moved forward slightly and kissed her. Raven returned his kiss, slipping her tongue into his mouth. Beast Boy's hands rubbed her bare back gently, the smooth, supple skin warm to the touch. She ran her tongue around the most sensitive places in his mouth, entwining her legs with his as she did so. The animal side of him took over for a moment and he gave a slight growl of desire into her mouth. Slightly embarrassed, he ended the kiss and traced her jaw line with small kisses, working his way down to her neck with longer, more heated kisses, kissing her desperately . Raven clutched him tightly as though he was her only anchor to reality.

He worked his way down Raven's throat, kissing the pale, sensitive skin gently as he went. He lowered his head and continued his progression of kisses, finally reaching the skin usually concealed by her leotard. Raven jumped slightly at first and it was a wonder nothing exploded. She gasped lightly at the feeling of his lips against the vulnerable skin of her chest. Beast Boy went down to the top of her bra, and then stopped and returned the kiss to her lips, worried that he was making her uncomfortable. Raven kissed him back passionately, and then broke the kiss, kissing his shoulder and allowing her tongue to dart along his collarbone, moving down to his chest. She covered his chest with a series of quick kisses, though moving agonizingly slowly, making him wait in between. Then she broke away and sat up. He sat up also, and she kissed him again, mouth opening immediately. Beast Boy luxuriated in the taste and sensation of her. She brushed her tongue playfully against his and made him chase it.

Eventually they broke apart for breath, and Beast Boy kissed Raven's forehead lightly, placing a hand in the small of her back to support her and trailing kisses down her face and neck, down her chest and over the material of her bra, down her stomach, down over her underwear and back up again. Raven was breathing as heavily as he was. She gave a light moan and brushed her hand lightly over the crotch of his boxers, against his throbbing erection. Beast Boy rested his cheek on the top of her head, trying to deny how badly he wanted her, how badly he wanted to rip away the barriers of clothing that separated her from him and let whatever might happen happen. Raven's hand returned to his crotch, rubbing his erection lightly through the material of his boxers. Beast Boy moaned softly. She was killing him.

"Oh, God Raven," he muttered in exasperation, sliding his hand down her back to rest on her ass for a moment before he came to his senses and pulled it back. Fighting desire was the hardest thing he had ever been forced to do in his life. Raven put one finger inside the elastic of his boxers and slowly began to pull them downward, but then drew her hand back quickly, placing it on his cheek and looking him in the eyes.

"We already agreed that we aren't ready for this, didn't we?" she said thoughtfully.

"Yeah," Beast Boy said, confirming this with a nod.

Raven looked longingly into his eyes. "Then why do I want you so badly?"

"I don't know. You're not the only one who wants it right now," Beast Boy admitted sheepishly.

"But we need to stick to our morals," Raven said, her normal manner coming over her once more. Beast Boy nodded. There was a moment of silence, and then Raven tackled him. He shrieked in surprise as the two went tumbling backward onto the bed. Raven smiled down at him, suppressing laughter at his shock. She kissed him gently. "I love you," she said softly, rolling off of him and lying down beside him.

"I love you too," Beast Boy said, pulling the blanket over both of them and closing his eyes.

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**Yay! More soon. Sorry if that was a lame substitute for a lemon. **


	28. Unmasked

**Disclaimer: I own nothing I tell you!**

**Yay! Chapter twenty-eight! Sorry if this chapter is boring. I desperately wanted to do another fight scene, so…yeah. But there's a 'Raven Rage' scene, so it's fun. It also builds on the story quite a bit. **

**Thanks so much for all the reviews! You make me feel so special! I'm sorry again for not putting the lemon. I don't have anything against pre-marital sex, I just don't think it's something we adolescents should be doing. And there's also the fact that Rae and BB have only been together for a day or two in the story. It's easy to forget because I put too many chapters into a single day of events. Thanks for being so supportive of my beliefs and not yelling at me for not putting the lemon. You guys rock!**

**Anyone notice how much they play Spellbound lately? When will the new episodes come?**

**I also love how I didn't get any Terra haters sending angry reviews about chapter 27. Thanks you guys, because I know a lot of you probably hate her. **

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Raven slowly blinked her eyes open. She gave a slight yawn and rolled over to rest her head on Beast Boy's chest. He was still asleep. Rubbing her cheek lightly against his warm skin, Raven inhaled his welcoming scent that was a mixture of sunshine and morning air. She gave a contented sigh. Beast Boy stirred even at the slight sound and lifted his head from the pillow it rested on.

"Hey," he said quietly, kissing her cheek. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him as the sound of the alarm blared in their ears. The door slid open.

"Beast Boy, there's trouble. Don't even ask for five more minutes-" Robin began before noticing the scene before him and averting his eyes. "Really nice you two. Put your clothes on and let's get moving." he withdrew from the room and the door slid shut behind him. Beast Boy and Raven looked at each other and burst into laughter as they crawled out of bed and put on the rest of their clothes.

"Well, he probably got a weird idea of what we were doing," Beast Boy said with a chuckle.

"It's his own fault for jumping to conclusions," Raven said, finishing with fastening her cloak and quickly clasping her belt around her waist. "Let's get going before he comes back."

Beast Boy laughed and followed her out of the room.

**XXX**

A few minutes later, the distinct sound of flapping wings, flying bodies, motorcycles, and supercars occupied a path in Jump City, telling the citizens that the day was as good as saved. No matter how formidable the threat might be, it was no match for the Teen Titans.

It wasn't hard to find the source of the disturbance. Cinderblock certainly wasn't being quiet about things. It looked like a routine bank robbery, except for the fact that half of the building had been taken down by Cinderblock's massive body.

"Why can't they ever just use ski masks anymore?" Beast Boy complained after changing from a falcon to his original form and landing in the street beside Robin, who was climbing from the seat of the R Cycle.

"Who is he working for this time? We know by now that he's too stupid to pilot anything of his own," Raven asked from behind them.

"I don't know. I'm thinking maybe Dr. Light. But right now that's not what matters. What matters is taking him down. Titans, go!" Robin shouted. The five teenagers flew into attack mode, Robin in front. Cinderblock's colossal fist slammed into the pavement just to Robin's left, and Robin leaped unflinchingly up the rocky arm and onto the huge idiot's head as Cyborg hit the monster in the face with a series of blasts from his sonic boom. Cinderblock made a move to hit Cyborg, and though he didn't even come close, Starfire flew in defensively with eagerness to protect her friend from harm. She shot innumerable Starbolts straight at the stony head. His dull eyes turned slowly in her direction and he moved to strike, only to be startled by Robin leaping in from the side and giving the fist a swift kick. Robin's muscular leg delivered a forceful blow, and Cinderblock's strike was knocked off course, instead slamming into the side of the bank and knocking yet another hole in the partially demolished building.

The feeling of unity and the use of teamwork was increasing steadily among the Teen Titans these days, and it showed considerably. All the training Robin had been drilling into his team lately was also paying off: they were faster and more aggressive than ever before. It was clear that Cinderblock was getting frustrated by the fact that another team member flew to the defense of whomever he tried to attack. He was getting flustered already and they weren't even very far into the battle.

"He's losing strength! Let's take him down!" Robin shouted. "Beast Boy, Raven, Maneuver 16!"

Beast Boy morphed into the shape of a finch, flittering around Cinderblock's head to distract him. The cloudy eyes of the huge criminal followed the small green bird stupidly, unable to concentrate on anything but the twittering animal.

"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos!" Raven shouted, catching Cinderblock off guard as she hit him with a jet of psychic energy and sending him flying backward into the street with a crash and a cloud of dust.

Beast Boy landed in the street as his normal self and cheered, giving Raven a high-five. "Yeah!" he said.

The massive column of stone scrambled to his feet once more, allowing only a few seconds of victory for the young team of superheroes before he began his single-minded mission to pummel them once more. Raven had been the one who had hit him, and he was able to wrap his tiny mind around this as he steadied himself and looked his foes in the faces. He charged forward. Raven's guard had dropped for mere seconds, but it was enough to put her in severe jeopardy. Beast Boy sensed this, and without even allowing himself a moment of thought he leaped in front of the Azarathian, the stone fist slamming into his own chest instead of hers.

Beast Boy flew backward, too shocked by the sudden blow to even morph as he sailed a graceful arc through the sunny morning air. A pair of arms wrapped themselves around him in midair and stopped his fall completely. Still stunned, he looked dazedly up into the face of Raven as she landed quickly on the ground with him in her arms. There was a look of deep concern on her face that he could not recall ever seeing before.

"Are you alright?" she asked, her voice a bit rushed with worry.

"Yeah," Beast Boy managed to wheeze, realizing only now that Cinderblock's punch had knocked the wind out of him. He gulped in a few breaths of the cool, refreshing air and felt the pinched feeling ebb. He felt her hand lightly brush his cheek with all the tenderness of a dove's wing.

"Are you sure?" Raven asked, a bit less panicked.

"Yeah. We need to go fight," Beast Boy answered, trying to hop out of her arms, but she held him back.

"No, _you're _not. You're staying here," she said. Beast Boy opened his mouth to protest, but Raven covered it. She removed her hand and placed it on his chest, pressing lightly. He winced. "See, you're hurt. You stay here and we'll take care of that useless piece of concrete," Raven said with a dangerous anger at Cinderblock in her voice.

"Is everything OK?" Cyborg asked. Raven turned to the cybernetic man standing a few feet behind her and deposited Beast Boy gently into his arms, turning to face Cinderblock. She took several steps forward and then hovered a few feet off the ground, starting toward the hulking villain. She stopped about two yards away from the mass of cement, starting to tremble with fury as she levitated higher to meet his eye level. The other four Titans watched with mixed expressions. Something told them that Cinderblock had crossed the line.

"You….hurt….my…Beast Boy!" Raven hissed, malice dripping from every syllable and her voice growing with every word until she was screaming. Her violet eyes narrowed and glowed the bright crimson of a true demon unmasked. "_No one _hurts Beast Boy!"

With this she hit Cinderblock with a blast of energy, sending him slamming into the bank and knocking down what was left of the walls. He barely had time to scramble to his feet before she was upon him again, sending him crashing into the building to the bank's left. He didn't even have time to stand up this time before he was cloaked in Raven's black force and lifted into the air. In her state of rage, Raven's powers were even more forceful, and they were able to lift the huge weight almost effortlessly and slam him back down into the street. By now, the other four were watching with wide, almost frightened eyes.

"If you ever come near him again it will be the last thing you ever do!" Raven roared, lifting him again and slamming him down to meet the pavement once more, which was cracking more and more each time. She repeated this several times, slamming him into the cracked ground harder with each repetition. "No one _ever _hurts the only one I'll ever love!" she snarled maliciously. Cinderblock rose even farther in the air this time, ten feet, twenty feet, thirty feet, rising continuously, and then came soaring back down at in incredible, unbelievable speed. "NEVER!" Raven yelled as Cinderblock collided with the street. The pavement buckled beneath the force and shattered and cracked in a ten foot radius. The force of the collision was so great that Cinderblock's huge body smashed into hundreds of pieces, crumbling across the street and sending the smaller bits of rock flying.

The immense roar of crashing noises died away and Raven hovered in the air for a moment, surveying what she had done in disbelief as her eyes faded slowly to their normal deep amethyst. She glided slowly back down to the ground and stood there for a moment as if in a trance. Her four friends encircled her at a safe distance of several feet, goggling at the thin girl who now stood quite placidly in the center of the street, which was now mostly an intricate web of cracks and missing chunks. All four of them seemed reluctant to speak. Robin and Cyborg both made several attempts but could find no words. Starfire and Beast Boy were both doing the same thing: standing still and watching Raven with surprised eyes.

Raven was unable to move for a moment, and then she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Beast Boy, hugging him more intensely than ever before. She clung to the small green teenager desperately like a drowning man to a thrown rope before releasing him very abruptly and reluctantly.

"We need to get home," she said in a suddenly businesslike manner.

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**More soon. Wow, Raven was scary. I can tell you one thing: you'd better not mess with Beast Boy. **


	29. Timebomb

**Disclaimer: Mwa ha ha!**

**Chapter twenty-nine! I sing! I just keep getting ideas for this story. I'm totally addicted to writing it.**

**Note to Draco's Secret Lover: I was thinking along those lines too. Raven _did _go a bit far, didn't she? It's going to be dealt with in this chapter, don't worry. **

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Beast Boy was sitting up on the cot while he waited for the results of his x-ray, which was always a good sign. The others sat around waiting with him in concern, because although he seemed fine, a med scan might prove otherwise.

All of the Titans were strangely subdued. Any casual onlooker might think it was because Beast Boy had been wounded in battle, but someone who looked in a bit deeper would know the truth. This uneasy state of shaky discomfort was fueled by the events of Raven's encounter with Cinderblock. She had gone too far this time, and they all knew it. They could all sense that something far beyond their control was happening within the young Azarathian, and they all knew it was something they would have to deal with.

Robin looked especially uncomfortable. Being the leader of the team, he was going to have to be the one to confront her about her outburst, and it was painfully obvious that he wasn't exactly looking forward to the situation. He sat beside Beast Boy on the cot, twiddling his thumbs and humming softly. Raven sat on Beast Boy's other side, also aware of what was going to have to happen eventually.

The thing that Raven had feared most had finally happened. The thing that she had worried about and agonized over for hours when she was first discovering her feelings for Beast Boy. She had always worried about others getting hurt by her unchecked rage, and now it had happened. Someone had gotten hurt. Someone had _died._ It had just been a foe this time, but what about next time? What would happen if one of her friends got hurt? What would happen if _Beast Boy _got hurt?

Raven couldn't bear the thought of this. And slowly, somewhere in the depths of her mind, she began to realize the enormous sacrifice she was going to have to make, whether she liked it or not.

"Everything looks normal," Cyborg said, squinting at the scan results on one of the many monitors. "No broken ribs, but that's what it looked like at first glance. You're gonna have a nice bruise, but other than that you should be just fine, BB," he said with a large grin, clapping the green teenager on the back.

"Thanks, Cy," Beast Boy said with a smile, able to forget his unease for a moment. The others gave slightly forced grins of relief even through their unease. After the smiles faded away, there was an uneasy silence once more. Cyborg switched off the monitors and Beast Boy hopped down from the cot. There was a very, very long pause that seemed to choke all friendly feelings out of the air almost immediately. Robin sighed and cleared his throat heavily.

"Raven," he said simply, turning his masked eyes on the young Azarathian. She nodded slightly, and he could tell she knew what was coming. "Back there…with Cinderblock…I don't mean to be rude but I can't help but think that you might have gone a bit far. You…well Raven…you killed someone," Robin said, trying to be calm. Raven stiffened at these words, though she already knew the truth in them. "This isn't the first time you've let your rage get out of control."

"I know," Raven answered, slipping from the cot to the floor and standing there, looking rather small. "And I appreciate you trying not to explode at me. I'm…sorry. I know an apology in no way justifies what I did, but…" she trailed off and didn't speak for a moment. "I know…I need to get my emotions under control and I…it won't happen again," she said weakly, in a strange manner that none of them had ever seen before.

Raven turned and walked out the door of the Med. Bay, and the others watched her go in concern for a moment. All of them were secretly frightened by her earlier actions, and even Beast Boy was slightly reluctant to go after her. Despite his love for her, she had always frightened him slightly, even now.

"Dude, she….she killed someone because of me," he said softly. "This is my fault." his ears drooped and he hung his head slightly.

"It isn't your fault, B," Cy said, patting his friend on the back. "These things just happen. You didn't do anything to set it off. It was Cinderblock's fault."

"yes, Friend Beast Boy! You have not done anything wrong!" Starfire assured him. Beast Boy nodded faintly, looking very unconvinced.

"I need to talk to her," he said, turning and walking out of the room as the other three exchanged pained glances.

The door to Raven's room was shut and there was no sound from inside. Beast Boy knocked lightly on the door.

"Raven?" he called softly. For a moment there was no answer.

"What?" Raven's voice came weakly from inside the room.

"Uh…can I come in?"

"No," Raven said, her voice sounding strangely detached.

"Why not?" Beast Boy asked, slightly confused, pressing his ear against the door. He heard her sigh loudly from inside and the door slid open, moved by her powers. Beast Boy entered the dark room cautiously. Raven was sitting cross-legged on her bed. She looked at him for a moment through hollow eyes, and he crossed the room and took a seat beside her. "What's going on?"

"What's going on?" Raven asked, looking at him in disbelief. "I'm a fucking _murderer, _Beast Boy."

Beast Boy was shocked for a moment. "Oh come on, it's not like that. We were fighting him. Villains get hurt in fights. It happens," he said comfortingly, slipping an arm around her. Raven jerked herself away from him and looked him in the eye.

"Villains get hurt. They're not supposed to _die_," Raven said fiercely. "We're heroes, not executioners. We're supposed to bring them back alive. We're not supposed to blow them up. I am insane."

"No you're not."

"Yes, I am," Raven snapped, sounding angry at him. He recoiled slightly, and immediately a look of regret filled her face. "I'm sorry," she said in a softer tone, reaching a hand out to him. He recoiled a bit more, looking a bit nervous, and Raven's eyes immediately brimmed with tears. "Oh, God. I didn't mean to…" she whispered, caressing his cheek lightly. Beast Boy relaxed slightly. Raven looked into his eyes for a moment. "Shit…please don't be afraid of me," she said quietly.

Beast Boy stared back. "I'm not," he said in a voice barely above a whisper. It was clear that Raven didn't believe him. Her eyes were wide and quivering.

"Beast Boy…I promise that I would never…ever hurt you," she said softly. "I know what I did was a bit…unreasonable but I did it because I couldn't stand that fact that he hurt you. It'll never happen again, I promise."

Beast Boy looked deeply into her eyes for a moment to make sure she meant it, and saw nothing but utmost sincerity. At this, his fear dropped and he allowed her to hug him. He closed his arms around her cautiously and the two of them lay down. Raven rested her forehead against his chest.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered.

Beast Boy stroked her violet hair lightly. "It's OK," he said gently.

"Oh Beast Boy, what if it ends up happening again?" she asked. He could hear the genuine fear in her voice. "What if it happens again and this time it's someone I care for? What if it's one of you four? What if one of you gets hurt…or worse, killed?" she squeezed him very tightly at this prospect.

"Oh come on Rave, that's not gonna-"

"It could," Raven said, drawing back slightly and looking him in the eye. He saw that her face was tearstained. "And if it did-" she shuddered. "I don't think I'd be able to live with it."

"You're not gonna hurt us, sweetheart," Beast Boy said, taking a risk and calling her by a pet name. She didn't seem to mind. If she did, she didn't call any attention to it.

"Beast Boy, you don't understand. When I decided to take a chance and be with you, this was the thing that I was dreading. I hoped with every fiber of my soul that it wasn't going to happen. I realize now that it is the inevitable. It is impossible for me to be genuinely happy without someone else getting hurt," she said. She was shaking.

"Raven…" Beast Boy muttered, feeling himself almost start to tear up at the look on her face. "It's going to be OK, really. Don't worry."

"I can't just stop thinking about it. I know that it's going to happen. Eventually, things are going to keep building and someone else is going to get hurt. I can't let that happen," Raven said.

"Then don't," Beast Boy said, kissing her forehead gently. Raven gave a slight moan. "are you OK?" Beast Boy asked, alarmed.

"I'm just so…tired," Raven muttered, sounding almost confused.

"It's OK," Beast Boy told her, stroking her forehead comfortingly. "You can get some sleep. Think about this later."

Raven nodded faintly, already half asleep. She was drifting away fast. When she spoke, her words were wavering with a yawn. "T-thank you, Beast Boy." and then she fell silent.

Beast Boy lay still so he wouldn't awaken her. He pondered the events of earlier. As much as he hated to admit it, the girl in his arms was like a ticking time bomb. It was never evident when she was going to explode next. It was almost scary. So why was it so easy to love her?

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**Next chapter soon. Sorry that took over a week! **


	30. Falling Apart

**Disclaimer: No! **

**Chapter thirty. Enjoy. This is a short-ish chapter, and I apologize. Chapter thirty-one will be longer. If it isn't, you can let the gourd weasels eat my flesh. **

**I now have TT sandals with Robin and Cy on them. They're the coolest shoes I've ever had! I'm such a nerd. **

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"No!" came a desperate whisper from somewhere beyond his range of vision. Beast Boy shook it off. "no! Please!" came the voice again. And this time it clicked. It was Raven. Beast Boy's eyes snapped open and he looked around. Raven was lying close beside him, sweating and shaking, obviously having a nightmare. Beast Boy placed a hand on her shoulder and shook her gently.

"Raven?" he asked quietly.

The half-demon shot straight up in bed with a small gasp, looking around wildly, ready to fight. When she realized where she was, she calmed down.

"Beast Boy?" she asked quietly, as though the question would confirm his identity.

"Yeah, of course," he answered. "You were having a nightmare?"

Raven nodded faintly, giving a slight shiver. "I dreamt that you…that you died," she said softly, raising hollow, terrified eyes to meet his. Instinctively, Beast Boy wrapped his arms around her. It felt slightly strange and backwards that this time, she had been the one having a nightmare and Beast Boy was the one being comforting. He hugged her tightly for a few minutes, until she pulled away very suddenly.

"Thank you, Beast Boy. I think I'll be OK now," she said with a smile that was not entirely normal. Beast Boy nodded, though wondering silently what was wrong. He decided not to prod into the issue, though. Raven had been through quite enough today.

Beast Boy glanced at the clock. It was nearly six PM. "Whoa. We've been asleep for a while. Do you feel better?" he asked.

"Mhm," Raven said quietly, standing up and slipping her cloak into place. "I need to get some tea," she added in a rather distant, emotionless voice. Beast Boy was startled. He knew that voice. That was the voice she had always used with him before. She had turned to face the door.

"R-Raven?" he asked softly.

"Yes?" he heard her answer.

"Do you love me?" he asked, for some reason slightly nervous.

Raven turned around, looking confused. "Of course I do, Beast Boy," she said, walking back over to him and kissing him. The distant tone was mostly gone from her voice. "Why? Do you think I don't?" there was a kind of fear in her eyes that he couldn't place.

"No. I just…well, you're acting kind of weird. I know that's no reason for me to think that, but…I don't know."

"I love you more than you could ever imagine. Don't ever question that," Raven said.

Beast Boy nodded. "OK. Sorry. I'm being paranoid, aren't I?" he asked.

"Just a little bit," Raven said with a soft laugh.

"Now, let's go get you that tea," Beast Boy said. Raven nodded and the two of them headed out of the room and in the direction of the kitchen.

"Beast Boy! Raven!" was the first thing they heard when they walked into the room. "I am trusting that things have been sorted out?" Starfire's anxious voice came almost immediately. She, Robin, and Cyborg were sitting at the table eating something that had obviously been made by Starfire. It seemed to be a strange kind of pudding. One glance at Raven told Beast Boy that he wasn't the only one whose stomach curdled at the mere thought of eating whatever it was.

"Uh, yeah I guess so," Beast Boy said. Raven nodded. There was a strangely distant look in her eyes once more. Beast Boy was confused, but he said nothing.

"Uh, Raven, are you OK?" Robin asked. Raven blinked several times.

"What? Oh. Yes," she said, sounding slightly detached. Robin gave Beast Boy a look that said quite plainly, 'what's going on with her?'. Beast Boy answered with a slight shrug. Raven walked past the others to the counter, where she began to go through the ceremonial procedure of making her tea. The others watched her with a sort of worry mingled with curiosity. They could all sense that something was wrong, no matter what Raven said. They looked silently to Beast Boy for answers and for once he had nothing to say.

"So…uh…Raven…feeling any better?" Cyborg asked as the four of them watched her sit the teapot on the stove. "You gave us all a scare this morning."

"Yes," Raven said in a way that was not at all convincing. "I'm fine, Cyborg. Thank you."

"Are you sure?" Beast Boy asked softly, moving over to where she was standing as she turned to face them and touching her arm.

"Yes," Raven said. Beast Boy was not assured. Raven was speaking in the same manner as a child does after spilling a jar of finger paint on white carpet and being interrogated about the crime.

"Rave, do you really mean that or are you just trying to shut me up?" he asked.

Raven bristled slightly. "I said I was fine!" she fairly yelled in his face her eyes flashing crimson for a split second. Beast Boy stepped back, gawking at her, and her eyes widened to match his and she seemed to return to normal almost instantly.

"_Shit_," she said. "Beast Boy, I am so sorry."

"It's…it's OK," Beast Boy said, even though it wasn't, even though he was still slightly shaken. He looked at her for a moment, and then turned and walked out of the kitchen.

"Beast Boy-" Raven said after him, shame coming from every slope in her words. Beast Boy didn't turn around. He wasn't sure why. He just kept walking, stony and unhearing. When he reached the door of his bedroom, he went inside and threw himself down onto the bed, balling up his fist and taking several deep breaths, the air rushing in and out slowly until he was calm once more.

It was only a few minutes before there came a soft knock on his door. Beast Boy walked slowly over and pushed the button allowing it to slide open. Raven was standing in the hall with her eyes cast to the floor. She looked extremely uncomfortable, and didn't move or speak for a moment. She seemed to be waiting for him to end the uncomfortable silence. When he refused, she slowly lifted her eyes to meet his. She just looked for a moment. Deep in in the amethyst irises, Beast Boy saw Raven. He saw her shaking. He saw her regret and her sorrow and her fear. The eyes quivered, but it wasn't really just her eyes. Though her body was still, the feelings were deep in her soul and seemed to be struggling to get out.

Raven moved forward very carefully and wrapped her arms around him, her whole body shaking now in the rhythm of her remorse. "I'm so, so sorry," she said very softly. "I didn't…I don't…I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

Beast Boy slowly melted at this and hugged her back. "I know," he said quietly. He forgave her. She knew. He didn't need to say it. The feeling passed from him to her. He felt it. And then he became aware of how strong and eerie this connection was but refused to do anything to break it. Raven was crying very softly now, and he was surprised. He lifted her gently and carried her over to his bed, lying down and adjusting his arms around her so they would both be comfortable.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered again, but Beast Boy got the strange feeling that she wasn't talking about the events of earlier. That maybe she was talking about something different. He wasn't sure what. There was fear in her words. Fear of what she might do? Was she apologizing for the fact that her rage might hurt him in the future?

As they lay there, Beast Boy wondered if Raven was really OK, or if she was slowly falling apart.

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**Next chapter soon. Sorry for the shortness. **


	31. Breakaway

**Disclaimer: BLARGY! **

**Chapter thirty-one! This chapter was written quickly and fueled by Capri Sun lemonade. The drink of champions! Hehe. **

**Note to BeastWithin: I checked out 'Visits From Daemon'. It's very cool, though the reviews probably say it all. Hope you update soon:big hug: **

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Something, something strange and stinging, cut through Beast Boy's deep sleep. Something like an instinct. Something urgent. His deep reverie was broken in a matter of seconds. Something wasn't right. Something was terribly wrong.

Beast Boy shot up into a sitting position with a gasp, the feeling of unrest coursing through his entire body, strong and overpowering. He looked around, and noticed that Raven was no longer beside him. The two of them had fallen asleep after a long conversation about the day's events, and Beast Boy had been feeling a lot more confident that she really was OK. So where was she?

He crawled blindly forward in the semidarkness, squinting at the illuminated red numbers on his bedside clock. 9 PM. As he moved forward, he heard a papery crunch, and realized that it was coming from whatever he had lain his hand on. He grabbed it. His sensitive eyes adjusted to the dark as he smoothed it out enough to be able to comprehend whatever was on it, and then he read it.

The note was short, written carefully, almost lovingly, with a black pen. The words were neat but inexplicable in their intent.

_I'm sorry._

Below, there was a smooth, flowing signature: _Raven._

Beast Boy could feel the panic set in slowly in degrees. He dropped the paper and it fluttered limply to the carpet. _I'm sorry_. What did she mean? Fearing she meant what he was expecting, he leaped to his feet with surprising catlike grace and sprinted for his door, fairly flying out into the hallway. The first door he stopped at was hers. He leaped inside with no regard for her personal space. "Raven?" he gasped breathlessly, scanning the dark room. It was empty. He turned and tore once more down the hall. He reached the bathroom, but the door was open, and there was no one inside. And so he headed as fast as he could in the next direction he could think of, running as quickly as he could as the terror fought its way to his legs and made them a bit wobbly.

When he burst out onto the roof a few minutes later, it was like bursting out of a prison cell. As soon as he felt the cool evening air on his face, he knew that everything was going to be OK. Raven stood about four yards away from him on the roof. She was standing near the edge, face upturned to the sky. Beast Boy rushed across the roof to her, a grin almost splitting his face in half that she was all in one piece. At the sound of his footsteps, she turned slowly on the spot in his direction.

"Raven! I'm so glad you're OK!" he said happily as he reached her, but then he stopped dead in his tracks at the look in her eyes. He had seen her get hurt countless times, he had seen her sad and broken for probably half the total time he had known her, but he had never seen that look before. Never before had her eyes held so much pain, so much regret, and so much heartbreak. "What…what's wrong?" he asked softly, stepping a bit closer to her.

"I'm so, so sorry," she said very quietly. Her voice shook more than he had ever imagined it could, and it was a wonder he could even make out the words. He was extremely confused. It didn't make any sense.

"For what?" he asked, watching her face carefully for something that might give a clue to what she was talking about. There was nothing.

"Please, Beast Boy, I need you to try to understand-"

"_Sorry for what?"_ he demanded. Something was going on, and he needed to know what it was right now. Raven gulped, quavering slightly under his stare.

"Sorry for what I have to do," she told him softly.

"Well, what do you have to do? I'm tired of you being so mysterious all the time. Tell me exactly what it is you're talking about, right now," he said, looking her straight in the eyes, staring her down. He was kind but firm in his words, and Raven knew he meant it.

"I have to…" she sucked in a long breath. "I have to leave."

"What?" Beast Boy asked, genuinely shocked out of his mind. He nearly stumbled.

Raven breathed deeply once more. "I'm leaving," she told him.

"Leaving? Where are you going? For how long-" Beast Boy began.

"I'm never coming back."

Raven's words fell like stones, cold and unforgiving, and slammed themselves into Beast Boy's abdomen. He felt a sudden wave of nausea at them. Those words shattered every happy feeling from the surface right down to the depths of his soul, leaving only the shards of the pleasant emotions to dig in deep and cut him up.

"Wh-what?" he stammered, mouth dangling open like a fish, eyes wide and unblinking. "Never-…never coming back? What? Why?"

"Because of what I've done." her eyes were filled with a grim determination despite her sadness. "And what I could do if I stay here."

"Raven, you didn't….you wouldn't…how could…" all Beast Boy could do was mumble incoherent words, he was so shocked and stricken. He slowly gathered himself to the point where he could speak. "You won't do that again, really, you won't. I know it."

"No, Beast Boy, you don't know it. You just want to believe it." Raven's eyes slowly filled, but she blinked them dry. "I'm sorry, but this is…just the way it has to be."

"No!" Beast Boy yelled, suddenly furious. But not furious with Raven. He was filled with blind, unwavering rage that had no source. "It doesn't have to be this way! You could just-"

Raven cut him off quickly by putting a finger to his lips, and he halted sharply, trembling as his fury ebbed and turned into pure yearning. His eyes trembled and the corners grew wet, but he refused to cry in front of her again.

"I'm very sorry Beast Boy. Leaving all of you is going to be the most painful thing I've ever had to do, but it has to be done. My whole life has been spent dedicating my time and energy to keeping the ones I care about safe, and this time it is no exception." she took a deep breath as though she were resolving herself. "I need to go somewhere where no harm will be able to come to any of you, no matter what my powers might end up doing. Perhaps what happened this morning was just a fluke, maybe a one-time situation, but I don't know it for sure. Staying here would be too big a risk to the rest of you."

Beast Boy struggled his hardest not to cry. Why was she this way? Why was she so noble when all he was thinking of right now were his own emotions? He was ridiculous and petty and self-centered, and she was a gothic Mother Theresa. Slowly, he tried to do what Raven must have been forced to do for most of her life. He gradually let go of his emotions and let his reasonable side do the talking. "Where are you going to go?" he asked in as much of a calm, level voice as he could.

"I don't know yet. Somewhere quiet. But I want you to promise me one thing…that you won't follow me when I leave."

Beast Boy nodded very slowly with no conviction.

Raven slowly lifted her eyes to the sky, as though the answer to some mind-ravaging question would be waiting for her in the twinkling stars. "It's time for me to go now."

Beast Boy held on to his dignity as best he could, nodding as casually as he could bring himself to. "Yeah, I suppose it is," he rasped as tears came to his eyes.

Raven reached into the black bag that was slung over her shoulders, which Beast Boy hadn't noticed until now, and drew out two objects. One was familiar. A small, round disk with an antenna sticking out of the side. The disk was made of yellow plastic and imprinted with a large black letter T. She handed this object to him first. He took it slowly, like a small child who had only just learned how to use his hands.

"Give that to Robin, and explain to him. Tell all three of them I said goodbye, and that I'm sorry."

Beast Boy closed his hand around the communicator. "Don't you want to say goodbye to them yourself?" he suggested helpfully.

Raven shook her head. "I can't do that. It would be too hard," she explained. Her eyes were very wet now, but she seemed to be trying to deny it without words. She held out the other object it her hand. "And this is for you," she said softly. Beast Boy took it shakily. It was a small package wrapped in tissue paper.

"Thank you," he said softly, wondering what it could be.

A long silence grew between the two teenagers as they stood there in the cool night air. Beast Boy hoped silently that it could go on like this forever, just standing together under the stars. Just having her here beside him. But inevitably, it had to end sometime. It was Raven who broke the silence.

"Goodbye, Beast Boy," she said. He waited. He waited for anything. For an 'I'll miss you', or anything that might signify that all hope was not lost. No salvation came. She turned slowly away from him. He could tell how hard she was trying to be strong, how hard she was fighting a total breakdown. Probably as hard as he was. As she turned, he could feel the anger build once more.

"God damn it!" he snapped. "This is bullshit! You're leaving because of _one _accident! Aren't you at least willing to take one more chance? Am I really so unimportant, so disposable, that you can just turn away and never look back? I thought I meant more than this to you!" he knew he wasn't being fair, but he couldn't seem to stop. "What about you and me? I thought _we _meant more than this to you!"

Raven slowly turned to face him once more. Her eyes were deep, hollow pits of regret and despair. "I was hoping this was going to go without saying. It's not like that at all Beast Boy, but I can't risk putting your life in jeopardy. I'm so sorry, but this relationship…it's over."

Those last two words were the downfall of Beast Boy's entire world. He stood still and watched as it all crashed down around him. Raven was shaking violently, and it was getting increasingly obvious that she was starting to cry. "I'm really sorry Beast Boy," she said shakily. "Goodbye." and with that she lifted off of the roof, slowly rising into the air, regret all over her body. She flew away from Titans Tower before she could break down and change her mind. She flew resolutely in an unknown direction as tears fell rapidly from her eyes, staining her cheeks, and burning her soul.

Back on the roof, Beast Boy stood completely motionless. He was barely able to accept what had just happened. He could still slightly smell Raven, that faint scent of herbal tea and lavender. And then it faded away. As the last trace of the girl he loved disappeared, Beast Boy broke down completely. He collapsed onto the rooftop and his silence gave way to choking sobs. He melted onto the cold surface and lay there with cries shaking his body and his heart feeling like it was being ripped in two.

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**Next chapter soon. Oh God. Poor BB. How much do you all hate me right now?**


	32. Together

**Disclaimer: Hahahahahahahahaha! **

**Yay! Chapter thirty-two! I know you're all probably pissed about chapter 31, huh? Oh well. I just drank a huge caffeine-infested caramel coffee drink, and so this is a lot of fun to type right now. **

**  
I got one of the TT DVDs because I have nothing crucial to spend money on. I feel cheated for paying 20 bucks for six episodes, though. That is ridiculous. It should at least be the whole first season, don't you think? **

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The Boy Wonder was disgruntled. No. Disgruntled didn't even begin to cover it. He was completely and totally confused and flustered. Annoyance was only a slight part of his current emotions. He was busy agonizing over the Cinderblock situation. Most of his mind was tempted to forget it ever happened and act like Raven had done nothing wrong. He and the rest of the team had attempted acting normally this afternoon, but he wasn't sure how long he would be able to keep pretending. Robin was in a state of mental chaos. Raven had killed someone. A member of his team and his dear friend had ended the life of another being. The thought of this was hard to wrap his mind around. He was annoyed with himself for not acting like the situation was more serious.

Robin had taken special precautions to make sure that the authorities recorded Cinderblock's death as a complete accident, and they had listened. He was Robin, after all. Who were the police going to believe, the esteemed commander of the Teen Titans (the most prominent team of superheroes in the state), or a few frantic, terrified witnesses who had watched the scene from their bedroom windows probably only minutes after waking up? For all people knew, any witnesses could have dreamed the whole thing. So Raven was safe. She wouldn't be getting into any scrapes with the law over this. But still, Robin's mind swirled uncontrollably.

The perplexed leader rubbed a gloved hand roughly over his temple, staring blankly into the computer screen. He had been sifting through police files on Slade's numerous crimes, but his mind was not focusing on the agonizingly small print on the screen. His brain was torn two ways. On one hand, he could simply dismiss the incident as a complete accident, forgive and forget, and trust Raven, his closest friend in the world, to know herself well enough to know that it would never happen again. But on the other, he couldn't help but worry that this might not be the last time Raven lost control. It certainly was not the first. He wasn't sure what to do. For the first time in a long while, Robin was lost as a leader. He had no idea how to make this decision.

"Robin?" came a soft voice. Robin jumped several inches into the air and whirled around in his computer chair. Starfire was standing in the doorway.

"Oh, hey Star," Robin said, brightening visibly. "Come in."

Starfire ventured across the room and stood a few feet behind him. "You are alright? You are looking troubled."

"What? Oh, sure. I'm fine," Robin said.

"Are you sure?" she asked him.

Robin nodded. "Sure. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You are worried about Raven," Starfire stated. Robin marveled at the female ability to sense the roots of emotions.

"I guess you could say that," Robin said, giving a distressed sigh. "I'm not worried about _Raven_. I know she's going to be fine. I'm worried about making this decision. What are I supposed to do? Am I supposed to know whether to just forget everything?" he asked. "What if this happens again? Am I just supposed to let it go, am I supposed to put her in solitary confinement, am I supposed to throw her off the team? What am I supposed to do here?" he asked. For the first time she could remember, Starfire could see genuine confusion and even a bit of fear in the leader's eyes. She moved forward slightly and placed a loving hand on his shoulder.

"It is going to be alright," she assured him. "You do not need to fret over this quite so much. Perhaps before you make any kind of decision about this, you should talk to Raven."

"I already did, remember?" Robin asked patiently.

"I am not talking about the kind of talk where you tell her it is wrong to kill people. Everything you said in that conversation, she already knew. What I believe you need to do is talk to her so you will be reassured that she is alright and she would never hurt anyone that she truly cares about," Starfire said. "If she is truly our friend, then she can be trusted and we must allow her to make her mistakes. If we do this, it will probably be less likely to happen again."

Robin shook his head in wonder. People who called Starfire ignorant had no idea what they were talking about. She may be ignorant to the ways of the world, but about things that really mattered she was surprisingly wise.

"That…makes sense," he said. It did, if he thought about it. He could feel a bit of his stress starting to ebb. "Thanks, Star. That sounds good. I think that's what I'll do."

"I am joyous to hear that you are less worried," she said. "You no longer look quite so troubled."

"Yeah. Thanks. You just saved my sanity there," Robin said with a soft smile.

"You are most welcome!" Starfire said happily, clapping her hands together. "I am very pleased to help you!"

Robin smiled and shook his head. Over the last year, many things had changed in his team, but not Starfire. She was still the same, bubbly girl she had been the day she had joined the Titans. It seemed as though a year on Earth had not changed her kind nature, and Robin was grateful for this.

There was a short pause.

"I think I'd better go talk to Raven," Robin said, standing up. "Maybe then we can have movie night and order some pizza. That might kill some of this tension that's dragging everybody down around here."

Starfire nodded happily. "I am hoping it will help, Friend Robin-" she began, and then cut off. She paused, glancing shyly at him. "Robin?" she asked.

"Hmm?"

"We are…'together', yes? Then what am I supposed to call you?" she asked. _Together. _It sounded even better when she said it. "Am I still able to call you Friend?"

Robin smiled gently. "Of course you can, Star. Even if we are in a relationship, we'll still always be friends, too. No matter what," he said. Starfire's smile widened.

"I am glad," she said, leaning over and kissing the Boy Wonder's cheek, and Robin brushed her hair gently out of her face. He was still a little nervous about physical contact and affection, but he was slowly getting better about it. He had no problem when she kissed him, he could return the gesture without hesitation, but initiating a kiss himself seemed to him like he was intruding in upon her personal space, though he knew she didn't mind.

'_She loves you, remember?_' he told himself. _'You said you were going to stop being afraid.' _

Robin slowly leaned forward and then stopped himself just as their noses were starting to brush. He hovered there for a moment. He could see Starfire looking straight into his eyes even through the mask. He paused for only the slightest fraction of a second before leaning in all the way and sweeping her up in a kiss. She melted into him naturally, and it was a few moments of bliss before the two teenagers broke apart slowly.

"You have no idea how long I'd been wanting to do that, Star. Ever since right after we met," Robin said diffidently. Starfire's golden cheeks were brightened with the faintest hints of cherry as she smiled back at him.

"I had been wanting to do the same," she told him. The two of them smiled at each other for a moment as though sharing some deep, meaningful secret.

"I suppose I should go talk to Raven so we can get that pizza. I'm starving," Robin said finally, rubbing his stomach in a ridiculously exaggerated way. Starfire giggled.

"Yes. Shall I find Cyborg and Beast Boy?" she asked.

"Sure," Robin said as they exited his room together. "I hope Raven and Beast Boy made up."

"I am sure it is fine," Starfire assured him as they parted in the hallway and went their separate directions, Robin toward Raven's room and Starfire toward Beast Boy's.

When Robin reached Raven's room a few seconds later, he was hit with a wave of considerable dread. You never knew how severely she was going to react when you tried to enter her room. He reached out a hand and knocked firmly on the door.

"Raven?" he called. There was no answer. He tried again. "Raven?" he asked. Starting to worry, he pushed the button on the wall beside the door and it slid open. Hoping Raven wasn't going to kill him, he stuck his head into the room. "Raven?" he asked. She didn't appear to be there. Puzzled, he drew his head back out and turned away, scratching the back of his neck, looking around the hallway in confusion.

Meanwhile, a little ways away, Starfire was knocking loudly on Beast Boy's door. "Friend Beast Boy! We are getting the pizza! Would you enjoy joining us in the togetherness of movie night?"

There was no answer. Star wasted no time opening the door. "Beast Boy!" she said happily, but stopped speaking when she realized that there was only an empty room there to hear her. "Beast Boy?" she asked, looking around in confusion. She backed out of the room and literally ran into Cyborg.

"Eep!" she squeaked.

"Arg!" Cyborg gasped. When they turned and recognized each other, they both started laughing. "Hey Star. What's goin' on?" Cyborg asked.

"I was looking for Beast Boy," Starfire answered.

"So was I. He doesn't seem to be anywhere," Cyborg said, scratching his head.

"Perhaps he is in the living room?" Starfire asked. Cyborg nodded and the two started off in the direction of the room.

It turned out that Robin was the only Titan there. He was standing just inside the door looking around.

"Hey Star, Cy. Didn't find Beast Boy?" he asked when they entered.

"No, we did not," Star said.

"Raven wasn't in her room, either," Robin said. "Where are those two?"

"I just hope they're not off banging somewhere," Cyborg muttered under his breath. Robin heard this and gave a slight chuckle.

"Me too," he said.

"We must find them," Starfire said, looking worried. "We must share the joy of pizza!"

"OK. Let's split up. Star, you take the left halls. I'll take the right. And Cy, you take the roof. We'll meet back here," Robin said in a businesslike manner. "Titans, go!" he added just for spirit. The three headed off in separate directions with one goal in mind: finding their missing friends.

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**Next chapter soon. Sorry if the last few paragraphs of this one felt a bit jerky. **


	33. Cold As Stone

**Disclaimer: Murph. **

**Yay! And chapter thirty-three is here to steal your soul. I'm unnaturally giddy today and I don't care! I've got some Cheez-It's, lemonade, and a fair amount of patience, and so I now go on to bring you a new chapter. Hope you enjoy it!**

**Note to Cloud: Aww, I'm sorry this is bumming you out:hugs: **

**I'd like to take a moment to thank all of you again for reading and/or reviewing. Praise to all of you:glomps: **

**I had tryouts for a choir solo today! I really hope I made it. **

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Beast Boy wasn't exactly sure how long he had spent on the roof so far. It was nothing but a mind-numbing mass of tears and anguish to him. It could have been minutes or it could have been hours. He wasn't sure. The air was cooling down considerably, and he was getting colder and colder. The more his fingers numbed, the less he cared. He could just lay here and freeze to death. Why would it even matter anymore? What was there left to breathe for? He could feel his mind slowly shifting to a very familiar state, and everything around him almost began to darken as drowning emotions set in. Why did anything matter anymore? Why was he still here? Why had the Earth not stopped spinning? He agonized over these questions for a few more minutes before he could no longer stand them and let them go, crawling halfheartedly over to the edge of the roof, dragging himself up into a crouching position with his elbows. He stared blankly down at the rocky surface of the island below. The full moon was abnormally bright tonight, illuminating the rugged ground below. Oh, how blissful it would be to just be part of that ground. Be one of those rocks. To feel nothing. He edged himself closer to the edge of the rooftop, keeping his steady gaze trained on the empty, rough ground.

Cyborg whistled nonchalantly as he strolled along the topmost halls of Titans Tower, swinging his arms from side to side. There was no one near to watch him, and he was in an especially good mood tonight. He had just finally worked a rather irritating bug out of the T-car's autopilot system, and that was enough to put quite the spring in his step. Glancing around quickly to be sure no one was watching, he put a bit of dance into his step, kicking his legs out on either side. Then he stopped and walked normally, shaking his head and chuckling to himself. He reached the flight of stairs that led up to the roof and started up them. Reaching the top, he pushed open the door. Immediately, the chilly night air washed over his face, rejuvenating his senses blissfully. The young half-robot stepped out fully onto the roof and scanned the flat surface around him.

"B? You there?" he called. "Raven?"

He stopped, and he listened, and for a moment he heard nothing but the soft whisper of the wind across the smooth plane of the rooftop and the faint, barely audible honking of car horns in the distant streets of Jump City. He took a few steps forward, looking around, and caught sight of a small figure on the edge of the roof, hunched over and looking tiny and helpless. Cyborg walked the short distance over to the stooped figure, stopping behind him.

Beast Boy heard no sound of movement, so distracted he was in his silence. Looking down at the unforgiving rocky soil, his muscles tensed and he readied himself to spring.

"BB?" a voice asked. The changeling slowly turned his head and looked his friend in the face.

"Hey, Cy," he said, his voice emotionless. Cyborg was slightly disturbed by the depth of the sorrow and confusion slipping from the two words.

"What's the matter? You look like you just lost your best friend," he said gently. Beast Boy gave a very strange choking whimper and his head dropped onto his chest. Cy's eyes widened. "Whoa, easy BB. Are you OK?" he asked, bending down and placing a large mechanical hand on the green teenager's shoulder.

Beast Boy shook his head solemnly, regaining control over himself and looking back at his teammate.

"What happened?" Cy asked, concern spreading over his face.

"I'll tell you when we get downstairs," Beast Boy said, grabbing the small package wrapped in tissue paper and Raven's communicator, and climbing shakily to his feet. Beast Boy headed for the door, so Cy shrugged and followed him, watching the back of his friend's head in worry from behind.

It didn't take long for the two to reach the living room. When they entered, the faces of Robin and Starfire looked up at them in anticipation. Apparently their searches had been far less successful than Cyborg's. The two were standing near the numerous monitors, and it only took a cheerful Starfire seconds to fly across the room to Cyborg and Beast Boy, taking Robin by the hand and pulling him behind her.

"Friend Cyborg, you have found Beast Boy!" Starfire said happily, embracing the two of them so tightly that they both squirmed. "But where is Raven?"

At this, Beast Boy's face drew with a reaction that was pure emotional agony and he looked to the carpet.

"Beast Boy, are you OK?" Robin asked, scratching his head in confusion. Beast Boy shook his head quickly. "What's going on?" Robin asked. Beast Boy slowly sighed and looked up, dragging his eyes around the other three Titans before speaking.

"OK," he said softly. He held Raven's communicator out to Robin. He took it with a look of slight confusion. "That's…that's Raven's. She wanted me to tell you guys that she's sorry." it took him a moment to find his voice again after that. "She left. She's gone, and she's never coming back."

Robin's mask bulged for a moment, mirroring the looks that now resided on Starfire and Cyborg's face. "She…she left? Why?" he stammered.

"I don't really know. She said it was because she didn't want us to get hurt because of her powers going out of control again," Beast Boy answered flatly.

"She was worried?" Robin asked.

"I guess," Beast Boy said. Still no emotion in his voice.

"She could have talked to me about it," Robin said with an unreadable expression on his face. "We could have done something…gotten her some tough training to get them under control. Why would she just….leave?"

"Yes, Robin is correct. Raven has merely walked away without a goodbye to any of us? That does not sound like the friend I know," Starfire said. She looked about as hurt and betrayed as Beast Boy felt.

"She wouldn't even have said goodbye to _me _I hadn't found her right before she left," Beast Boy said, voice threatening to break. "I don't think she cares anymore," he said in a voice that was too quiet to even be audible.

"How could Raven just walk out on us like this?" Cyborg said, sounding distressed and confused and let down all at once. "Why would she just-"

"I don't know, OK?" Beast Boy snapped, suddenly fierce. "So stop asking me questions!"

Cyborg stepped back slightly. "Chill, BB," he said.

"Don't tell me to chill!" Beast Boy said. "You don't even know how the fuck I feel, so why should you have the right to tell me what to do?" he wasn't exactly sure why he was so angry, but he was. He turned around and started to walk toward the exit of the room, but Cyborg grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back. Beast Boy was about to start yelling again, but then Cy pulled him into a hug, bumping him slightly painfully into the metal chest. He could feel Starfire's arms close around him as well, and then eventually even Robin's. The three teenagers hugged Beast Boy warmly all at once, and he could feel his anger drain away and it was replaced with immeasurable pain once more. He gave a soft whimper, resting his chin on Starfire's shoulder because it was the nearest thing.

"I'm sorry BB," Cyborg said. "I know you miss her. I know it hurts."

"Yeah, but it's OK. We're here for you, and we always will be," Robin said.

"You are never, ever alone. I promise," Starfire said.

Beast Boy crumbled completely, bursting into silent tears, and his friends hugged him wordlessly, offering their silent comfort.

**XXX**

Robin stood silently before the large window, glaring out at the distant twinkling lights of Jump City that sparkled brightly across the ebony expanse of water that was the bay. That water seemed to shimmer distantly with whispers of unknown mystery. The dark waters seemed to taunt Robin in his already irate state.

"Robin, you are troubled once more?" Starfire asked from behind him. Robin turned to face her.

"Of course I'm troubled. We just lost a Titan," he snapped, and then immediately wished he hadn't. Starfire looked wounded. "Oh damn, I'm sorry Star," he said, embracing her tightly and gently brushing her golden lips with his own. "I didn't mean to say that. I'm just so stressed right now that-"

"It is alright, Robin," Starfire said, smiling and appearing to have already bounced back.

"OK. I'm glad," Robin said with a smile. "I just…this is so sudden. This morning everything was fine and now Raven is just gone without a warning. And the fact that she didn't even talk to me about it makes matters even worse." he could feel some of his frustration working its way into his voice. "I mean….I thought we were friends. I really did. What kind of friend does that make me to her if she didn't even bother to talk to me about her leaving face to face?"

"You are angry with her," Starfire observed.

"Well no, not angry, just….well, yes, I'm a little angry. She…that was…that was just so inconsiderate. Look what she did to us, to the team, to _Beast Boy_!" he said, throwing his hands into the air in frustration. "She's trying to protect us with this, I know, that's just the way Raven is. But she's just…well….she's being selfish! There are alternatives to leaving, and she knows it! But instead she has to just run away to escape whatever she was dealing with. She's always been like this. She can't just sit there and deal with it! She has to find some way to block everything out or run away from it! Why can't she just stand in the face of her fears and accept them?" Robin asked. It felt good to let all of these things out. He knew it was stupid, but he felt just as betrayed as he had after Terra's duplicity had been revealed. "Friends aren't supposed to do this. Look at Beast Boy. Just look at him. Didn't she even stop to think about how it was going to make him feel? Doesn't she remember what happened last time he lost someone he loved? If Raven keeps this up, she's going to drive him right back over the edge. It took so long to get him back, and now she's destroying him again. Sometimes I wonder how we even put up with that girl!" Robin said. He hadn't meant to keep rambling. At first, he had not been angry, but now he was seething.

Starfire looked slightly unsettled, but not like she disagreed. "True, she has been a bit selfish," she said. Robin was grateful that she didn't point out how severely he had overreacted. "I am very worried about Beast Boy," Starfire said, turning her eyes to the small green heap on the sofa. It was nearly 3 AM. Beast Boy had finally cried himself to sleep an hour ago, and now the room was relatively silent.

"Me too," Robin said, his anger draining away almost immediately as concern for his friend took over.

There was a slight mechanical whooshing noise that shattered the momentary calm as the door slid shut behind Cyborg when he entered the room, holding three steaming mugs. He moved over to the sofa, and Robin and Starfire followed. They sat down as far away from the sleeping Beast Boy as possible so as not to awaken him. Cyborg passed out the mugs.

"Hot cocoa. I figured after that ordeal we could all use some warm fuzzies," he said. Robin slowly brought the steaming drink to his lips and took a sip, and then stared absentmindedly into the pale brown creamy liquid, vaguely remembering images of animal crackers floating and disintegrating in the same chocolaty substance years ago. And then he blinked and childhood memories fleeted, leaving only the two somber teenagers beside him and the sound of a fierce wind howling against the sturdy outside walls of the Tower.

A long, rather uncomfortable pause reigned for a moment. Starfire clutched her warm mug tightly, desperate to bring some warmth to her thoughts. Things were terribly wrong. The Tamaranian's fragile equilibrium was shattered by the distress of her friends and the loss of Raven. She felt strangely empty, and leaned sideways to be closer to Robin, hoping to regain a little of her animation. Robin balanced his cocoa mug in one hand and slipped his free arm around her. She leaned into him, glad for his warmth and vitality against her own skin. The silence prevailed for a few more seconds, and it seemed as though the three teenagers were all trying to piece together the same mental puzzle, answer the same, mentality-plundering question.

"I just don't understand," Cyborg asked finally, shaking his head. "Why would she do this?"

"I don't know, Cyborg. I don't think any of us do," Robin said slowly.

"Raven is very complicated. There are ways her mind works which we are not supposed to understand, perhaps," Starfire offered.

"Well, I don't know," Cyborg said. "I just hope BB's gonna be OK."

"We all do," Robin said, casting a worried look at the green teenager who was curled into a ball on the opposite end of the sofa, his face contorted as though he were trapped in a perpetual nightmare.

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**Next chapter will come soon. **


	34. Never Again

**Disclaimer: No!**

**Chapter thirty-four! I had some trouble focusing this week. School was a little hectic. I had a huge paper in Health that wentcompletely went wrong, and so I couldn't write for a bit. Sorry. **

Note to all BBRae supporters: If you'd like me to put your thoughts on BBRae on the new page of my website, email me about it.

**I didn't get my choir solo, but it's OK. I don't honestly care that much. **

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The darkness of night slowly dwindled away to the first dull tints of gray light on the horizon, and the world melted slowly through its shell of lethargy and began to come to life. The impending light of morning washed the darkness slowly away, but the mood in Titans Tower had not lifted even slightly for it. A deep, impenetrable gloom had settled over every silent corridor, every cluttered bedroom, every dusty corner of the huge building, emanating from off the four despondent teenagers who currently sat in the living room in absolute silence.

Cyborg considered the steaming liquid in his coffee cup with feigned interest, struggling to keep his mind on something besides the gloom-and-doom attitude that had settled over the little group. He stole a glance over at Beast Boy. The green boy sat glumly on the other end of the sofa, his gloved fingers scraping rhythmically over the material of the sofa's arm in a despairing gesture that seemed to keep him from exploding at the world. Beast Boy was taking this much better than Cyborg had expected. He had been imagining a hysterical, completely broken-down version of the young changeling. The truth, however, was that Beast Boy seemed strangely together. Cyborg could sense that barely a fraction of an inch beneath the surface, Beast Boy was screaming for help and cursing the world, sobbing and breaking and losing grip. But he had never known Beast Boy to keep emotions, especially powerful ones, inside. It was strange, unnatural, and it made Cyborg wonder if Beast Boy had completely lost his mind at the loss. It disturbed him, and he couldn't shake off the worry he felt for his friend.

As far as Cy could tell, Beast Boy was the only one who wasn't wearing his heart on his sleeve besides himself. Robin and Starfire had made perfectly clear their feelings on the subject of Raven's departure. Starfire was hopelessly wounded and afraid both for Raven and for Beast Boy. Robin, however, was full of a feeling of frustrated anger and betrayal. But one could only guess what was going on in Beast Boy's mind. Cyborg was also keeping his feelings to himself. At the moment he was mostly in the stage of struggling to accept the loss of his friend. The parts that were real were the sadness and the strange guilt…guilt for not knowing something had been wrong enough to make Raven want to leave. These things hurt. They hurt deeply. It was one of those moments when he wished he were a full-robot, just a big emotionless lump of metal who knew no pain, no loss, no struggle. He wanted to express himself, but he wasn't sure how. He felt like a traitor. He could sense resentment toward Raven coming out of the other three….maybe even Starfire. Cyborg felt none of this resentment, only pain. He was afraid of turning the others against him if he dared voice this. He knew they would never express any of it out loud, but inside they would seethe and agonize and wonder how he could possibly feel no bitterness.

The answer was simple. He felt no bitterness toward Raven because he had been in her place. He too had abandoned the team without so much as a goodbye or a look back when he had decided to join the Titans East. He knew how the others must have felt now, how hurt and let down they must have been. It made him glad that he had chosen to return before they all completely closed themselves off to him. It made him immutably guilty, but he shook off the guilt. He stared back into his coffee for a moment before taking a sip, drowning his emotions with caffeine.

Beast Boy stared blankly ahead out the window, watching the soft gray water rippling in the light breeze. It was already evident that the sun would not be coming out today, not in any sense. He struggled to keep himself from exploding completely. He wasn't even exactly sure what he was feeling right now. He felt desperately heartbroken and he wanted to break into sobs, but at the same time he felt so terribly betrayed and didn't want to devote tears to someone who obviously did not care for him any longer. He had never felt so confused in his life.

Beast Boy tried to concentrate on something else. Anything else. There was nothing in the room, though, but the silence. The unbearable, pressing silence, the silence that somehow roared in his ears, deafening his mind and drowning his control. He could stay in that room no longer. He couldn't spend another second with the silence and the gloomy faces pressing in on him from all directions. Grabbing the small package Raven had given him, he stood up.

"I'm gonna go think," he said, figuring that he owed his friends at least some semblance of an excuse for his running off. And with that, he turned and walked out of the living room. The hallway was unnaturally cold and dark, and seemed a thousand times longer than it ever had. He was desperate just to reach the sanctity of his own bright bedroom, but his door didn't seem to be getting any closer. When he finally reached it, he could have cried out of relief.

The bedroom was silent. Still. A room holding its breath. He was hit with the realization that the last time he had been in this room, Raven had been a member of the team and everything had been just how he wished it were now. These things slammed into him like a brick and he could feel his legs threatening to collapse. He made his way shakily over to the bed and threw himself facedown onto the crumpled sheets, struggling to keep breathing normally. As he lay there, he caught a scent of herbal tea and lavender from his sheets where Raven had lay with him so many times. His breath caught in his throat and he could feel the acridness of the tears trembling on the edges of his lashes. He quickly quelled his tears and lay there motionless for a moment, inhaling her scent deeper and deeper, hoping it would somehow give him an answer for what he was supposed to feel. It didn't. He felt even worse. He threw himself off of the bed, leaving the tissue paper-wrapped package on the wrinkled sheets and falling with a thud onto the floor. He fought the tears that threatened to come once more.

"Get a grip, Beast Boy," he told himself. "Come on, be reasonable. There's no use crying over her. She left by _choice_. She obviously doesn't even care about you anymore, much less love you. Stop wasting your time with this pointless moping."

His words were calm, collected, and firm. But his insides didn't even come close to mirroring this. Inside he was sobbing, screaming, searching for release, and though he wanted to believe that he was only wasting time mourning over the loss of Raven, was he really? Had she really stopped caring for him? Was he just dismissing hope too quickly?

Beast Boy's head swam uncomfortably with so many things running through it. He wanted nothing more at the moment than to simply shut off and sleep.

"Stop it," he said to no one in particular, clutching handfuls of his olive hair in frustration. "Just…go away!" he lay there in frustration, not knowing whether to cry or to scream. Whether to be angry at Raven or to miss her. He was so confused. He switched back and forth between the two emotions a few times before he gave a scream of utter misery and rolled over, beating his fists against the floor like a child.

Beast Boy stopped and raised his head slowly. He rolled over and reached slowly into his sock, pulling out his razor blade, pulling the thin cardboard guard cover from the cutting edge. Even in his times of happiness, even during his relationship with Raven, he had always kept it handy. Not to use it. Just to remind him of his stupidity. But he needed it now.

Beast Boy slowly pushed back the sleeve of his shirt, peering down at the smooth green flesh of his wrist. Poising the sharp edge above it, he slowly braced his mind for the unthinkable deed. An image flashed through his mind. It was Raven, the night he had attempted suicide, not so long ago. There was a look of immeasurable pain and fear in her eyes and on her normally expressionless face.

Beast Boy flung the razor blade as hard as he could against the wall, away from him, away from his vulnerable skin. He pulled his sleeve back down and curled himself into a ball.

"No!" he told himself sharply. "You're not going to be that stupid and selfish again! You've got three friends who care about you. It would hurt them if you died. Especially over someone who doesn't even care. She doesn't deserve your tears. She left you. She ended everything because she didn't care enough to even consider your feelings. She isn't worth it." he uncurled himself from his little ball and sat up straight. "She never was."

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**More soon. Wow, I'm horrible. Please don't lose hope for this story. **


	35. Kodac Moments?

**Disclaimer: face-eating parrots own Teen Titans, not me!**

**Chapter thirty-five! Everyone, thank The Gnostic! If not for him, I would never have gotten this chapter done. Read his fic "Must This Be Our Future?". I recommend it strongly and give it five stars! TY again for the advice, buddy! **

**And all of you who are reading this story: I LOVE YOU! **

**  
Anyone who has screenshots from the show and/or scans from any comics that are BBRae oriented in any way who would be able to send them to me, please do if it's not too much trouble! I need some more for the proof section of my site. Thanks! **

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Running her hand absentmindedly along the cool wall of the hallway, Starfire made her way down the long dark passageway toward her bedroom. Since Beast Boy had left the living room, there had been a strange, awkward feeling set over everything. She hadn't been able to stand it any longer. Retreating off to her own room seemed to be the logical thing to do.

Once in the bright purple-and-pink room, Starfire could feel the relief wash over her like a tidal wave. Shaking off her rampant confusion, she threw herself down on the round bed and heaved a great sigh of relief. She was slightly surprised at herself. It wasn't like Starfire to run off when feelings became overwhelming. And here she was, retreating off to her room like a certain violet-haired recluse she knew.

It scared her, this behavior. It meant she was acting like Raven. And if she was retreating into her solitude like Raven always did, did this mean she was going to start acting like Raven was lately? Did it mean she was going to run off and leave everyone just because of the confusing and almost disturbing emotions she felt at the moment?

Starfire shook this off. She was being ridiculous. Those worries, that paranoia, it was just the stress talking. This stress was weighing down on the entire team, and she knew it. Raven's departure had caused enormous amounts of tension in the four remaining Titans. But what had it caused for Starfire herself? She pondered for a moment, but still wasn't exactly able to put her finger on what she should be feeling. Any feelings about Raven's actual exodus had taken a backseat to her worried emotions about Beast Boy. She tried to focus on how this was affecting her, but realized for probably the first time that she wasn't as open with herself about her emotions as she was with other people. He had little problem talking to others about her feelings, but when it came to discussing them with herself, she tried to push them out of her mind.

Starfire rolled over on her stomach and stared off into the bright surface of the wall, rolling her gaze around the room. She could feel a familiar sense of unease creeping over the far corners of her mind. She knew what this meant. It was time for her to do what she did whenever she had unpleasant feelings…besides making the Pudding of Sadness. She had to clean her room.

Starfire's room was relatively clean in the first place. There wasn't much to do but clean everything off of her nightstand and put it back. In recent times, she had accumulated quite a lot on that small surface. She floated gracefully over to the nightstand and began to transfer the things that rested on its small round top onto her bed. Everything brought back some kind of memory. The small doll replica of her that the Puppet King had created, Robin's corsage from the prom he had attended with that dreadful Kitten while Starfire had stood diligent watch the whole while, and various other items.

As she reached the back of the table, Starfire's eyes fell on the telltale 'Kodac' logo on the backs of a small stack of rectangular objects. She picked up the pictures and began to look through them. The pictures weren't exactly new; they were from about six months ago when the Titans had gone to the carnival, about a month or so before Terra's return.

The first was a picture of she and Robin, standing in front of one of the faster rides. She had a large grin on her face and Robin was leaning on the railing, looking a bit green in the face, and both of their hair was a mess. The next picture was one of Cyborg and Beast Boy in front of a food booth. Beast Boy had his mouth full of cotton candy and Cyborg was holding a corndog. Cyborg sported a large grin and was giving Beast Boy a noogie, and Beast Boy was laughing hysterically at something his friend had just said. Starfire smiled warmly at the friendly images. The next photo, however, strangely did not provoke those same affectionate feelings. It was a picture taken in front of a roller coaster. Beast Boy had an arm around Raven and was leaning on her, his other hand raised up as he waved at the camera, grinning himself silly; and Raven simply stood still, though the look on her face was not her usual bored one, and instead of only showing a trace of a grin she was actually smiling. It was a very friendly picture, one full of fun and joy, but Starfire could feel a strange anger rising up in her throat as she looked at Raven's face.

As Starfire thought deeply for a moment, her rage boiled. "You are not being a good friend, Raven. You are not being a good friend at all!" she snapped, talking about the present rather than the past in the photograph. "You are…you are being a klorbag!" she said, voice rising almost to a yell. Starfire shook her head crossly and stuffed the photo under her bed as angry tears streamed down her face. "How could you do this to us?"

**XXX**

"I know you guys are talking about me, so don't bother trying to keep it quiet," came a voice from the doorway of the living room. Robin, Starfire, and Cyborg, who had been discussing him with their heads bent, immediately shut up and looked up at him.

"Uh, hey Beast Boy," Robin said in greeting. Beast Boy nodded mutely as he made his way over to the sofa and sat down, all without a word.

"You feelin' better, B?" Cyborg asked. Beast Boy shrugged.

"I guess so," he said unconcernedly.

"You sure?" Robin asked.

"Sure," Beast Boy said, shrugging again. Robin raised an eyebrow. "Don't sweat it dude. Go ahead with what you need to do. I won't bother you," Beast Boy assured him. With this he turned his gaze to the window, staring blankly out into the bay.

Robin sighed. If Beast Boy didn't want to talk about it, he wasn't going to force him. He turned his attention instead to Starfire. She seemed terribly troubled and he was determined to find out why. "Um, Star…are you OK?" he asked gently. Starfire jumped, as though she had forgotten she wasn't the only one in the room.

"What? Oh, yes Robin, I am…fine," she said with a too-cheery smile. It dissolved when she saw that Robin didn't believe her.

"Come on, I know there's something wrong, Star. What is it?" he asked. Starfire looked uncomfortable, as though she were in a doctor's office wearing a terribly revealing plastic gown with no back. "Never mind. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Robin said comfortingly, patting her arm.

"No, it is alright, Robin. I will talk about it. I suppose I am…upset about Raven. More upset than I previously believed." she stopped. "I do not wish to say any more."

"That's fine, Star. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to," Robin assured her, slipping an arm around her shoulders. She rested her cheek against his shoulder and gave a troubled sigh.

There was a pause. All four Titans were silent for a moment, staring off into space, picking at the sofa, yawning occasionally, but the small distractions couldn't make it any less obvious what all of them were thinking about. Raven.

"Hey, guys?" Cyborg asked after a few minutes of the tense, uncomfortable silence.

"Yeah, Cyborg?" Robin asked, looking up from the carpet.

"I needed to…to say something. I know you all feel pretty beaten up about what Raven did, but…well…do you think you might be being a little too hard on her? I mean, I can understand how she feels and I know how she must have felt to want to leave like that, you know?"

This statement was met by nothing but a thick, tense silence for a record time of three seconds.

"So you're siding with _her_?" Robin snapped. "After how she just left us and-"

Cyborg held up his mechanical hands. "Easy Robin, I'm just saying that I can sort of understand how her point of view must be on this and-"

Starfire stood up. There was a look on her face and a set to her mouth that both of the boys could only recall seeing maybe once or twice in the entire time they had known her. "And so you are simply saying that her dreadful behavior is justified?" she asked. By now, she was shaking with anger. "After she has hurt Beast Boy, hurt you, hurt _all off us_, simply run away with flagrant disregard for our feelings and not even cared enough to look back, not even thought of how it would affect her 'friends', you are saying that it is all fine? We are being to hard on her? We are being too _compassionate _with her! She has broken Beast Boy's heart, wounded all of us, and it is not fine! It is not OK! DO NOT even consider saying that you can take her side after what she is putting us through!" she was really roaring now. "She is being a FLUCKBEETLE!"

"Calm down Starfire!" Cyborg said.

"I will not calm down!" Starfire snarled. "Not after the things you are attempting to dismiss!"

"Oh, and so now you know exactly what Raven felt when she left? You were there? You saw her smiling when she left, is that it? No! You weren't there! You don't know she didn't care! You didn't know a damn thing about it! So shut up about things you don't understand!" Cyborg snapped, standing up.

"Don't talk to Starfire that way!" Robin yelled, standing up also.

"And so it's OK for her to talk to me like that, and I can't say anything back? Is that how it is? Your friends can get abused all they want, but as soon as someone raises their voice to your _girlfriend-_"

"That's not how it is at all, Cyborg!" Robin yelled, looking increasingly pissed off.

"Like hell it isn't!" Cyborg shouted.

"Will all of you just **shut the fuck up**?" Beast Boy roared from the other end of the sofa. The other three fell silent in shock, turning their eyes to the changeling who was now standing also. "It doesn't even fucking matter, OK? I don't give a shit, Raven doesn't give a shit, nobody gives a shit! She's not fucking worth ruining your friendship over! She's just a stupid traitor like every other goddamn person we come into contact with! She's nothing but hurt and lies! She's no better than _Slade_! So everybody just calm the fuck down!" he screamed.

The other three stood there gawking at the short green teenager who was standing beside the sofa, a seething ball of anger and pain. Cyborg realized just how wrong he had been about him being calm about the whole ordeal.

"BB-" he said as the alarm suddenly blared in their ears.

"Well, Titan Alert. Don't just stand there. We have to go save the goddamn city! We have to go and protect _other _people who don't give a rat's ass about us!" Beast Boy snapped, stomping toward the door. "Come on, let's get moving."

The other three watched his retreating back in shock for a moment before following him.

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**More soon. Wow, someone got some resentment issues there, BB ? **


	36. Bring Out the Beast

**Disclaimer: You know!**

**Chapter thirty-six! Yay! I worked out the order of this chapter in Biology last week. More thanks to The Gnostic, who helped me with the events of this chapter also! **

**I'm not exactly sure how to write Johnny Rancid yet, so bear with me here. He's a new subject for me. **

**One day of school left for the year!**

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It only took the Titans a few minutes to reach their destination: the Second National Bank (tee hee) not far from the bay. It was completely obvious at first glance exactly who was behind this. Jump City's most common threats never seemed to have any idea how to vary their attack styles. A smallish mechanical rhinoceros stood smack dab in the middle of the street. Perched precariously atop the steel beast stood a tall man with spiked black hair and dull midnight blue eyes encircled by layers and layers of overly-exaggerated black makeup. The man was holding a large sack and laughing rather menacingly as civilians ran around screaming like victims of a horror movie. Behind the great steel monster, an ATM machine was smashed open by the force of the metal horn on its nose. The ATM machine was shooting pale blue sparks.

The four Teen Titans landed grandly in the street before their latest challenge. He was so caught up in his self-satisfied laughter that he failed to notice them.

"Johnny Rancid. Still in the criminal business, I see," Robin said, crossing his arms.

Johnny allowed himself another few seconds of laughter before he stopped and looked down on them with smug eyes. "Hey, Titans. Miss me?" he asked, malignant pride sparkling in the cloudy gemstones of his eyes.

"Oh yes, of course we did," Robin said, whipping out his bo staff and flipping it to its full extent. "I see that little stay in jail didn't turn you around. Maybe you should pay another little visit."

"And this time, you won't have such an easy time getting out," Cyborg said, readying his sonic boom.

"Sounds like a pleasure," Johnny said. "I look forward to watching you four try to put me away again. The challenge of escaping makes it all worth the while." he paused, eyes passing over the four teenage superheroes carefully. "Now, what happened to the Goth Witch?" he asked, feigning disappointment. "She was always my favorite. Finally got sick of you losers and bailed, is that it?" Johnny asked, eyes glinting in sadistic pleasure.

"Shut….up…." Beast Boy snarled coldly, stepping forward.

"Or what?" Johnny asked, giving a demeaning smile at the changeling, who stood with balled fists, his mouth a stern line.

"Or you're gonna be sorry," Beast Boy threatened.

"Ooh, is that so? Oh mommy, please help! The Walking Lima Bean is going to hurt me! Oh, please no!" Johnny said in a mocking tone.

"Shut up!" Beast Boy snapped.

"Aww, what's the matter? Why are you being so mean to your old buddy Johnny? Are you sensitive because you lost your little friend?" Johnny asked, getting more and more pleasure out of mocking him.

"Don't you _dare _talk about Raven!" Beast Boy snapped, green fire flashing in his eyes.

Johnny gave a small chortle. "Oh, somebody has a soft spot for the Living Dead Girl! No wonder she's gone. I'm guessing she threw herself off of your roof just to get away from your little crush on her, am I right?"

Beast Boy's mind snapped. "**Shut the fuck up!**" he shrieked, diving forward as he transformed into an elephant, slamming into the mechanical rhino and knocking it into the street. Johnny was tossed to the ground, managing to hold onto his sack of cash. Beast Boy transformed into a sparrow, flying up over the fallen robot animal and morphing into a whale in the air. He fell onto the rhino with a crunch and squeak of buckling metal. The steel body smashed beneath the massive force of the giant mammal. In his original form, Beast Boy stared down at Johnny for a moment from where he stood on the top of the pile of smashed metal.

One glance at the look in the changeling's eyes told Johnny that he was in trouble. They were cold, emotionless, and completely terrifying. Johnny took several steps backward, clutching his sack like a small child clutches a brand new dollar in the face of a lunch-money thief.

Slowly, menacingly, Beast Boy lowered himself from the pile of crunched steel, eyes never leaving Johnny's face. Johnny kept taking steps backward. Behind him stood the other three Titans, ready to spring if he attempted escape, and before him stood Beast Boy, advancing on him like a monster of prey. There was no escape. His fate was inevitable.

Beast Boy moved slowly, silently, almost sneaking across the pavement. There was no trace of jovial humor in his eyes, now. His eyes, his movement, everything about him at the moment were more animal than human. His eyes showed no faint hint of hero. Only deep, dark layers of varying degrees of hatred, and pure killing instinct.

"Whoa, easy man, I didn't mean-" Johnny's tough villain demeanor crumbled, revealing the bare, naked fear that he had kept hidden just below the surface until now. "Please don't…"

Beast Boy was on him in an instant, moving across the remaining feet between them with catlike flowing grace. He grabbed the burly man by the front of his jet black shirt and stood on his tiptoes to almost be able to look him in the face.

"If you ever mention Raven again, I swear, this hand will be down your throat faster than you can say 'shit'!" he bellowed at the dark man. Johnny gave a small, uncharacteristic whimper. "Got it? Got it you goddamn motherfucker?"

Johnny nodded timidly. "Yes, yes, please, just let me go!" he said, trembling. Beast Boy gave a small noise of disgust and released him. Johnny's legs crumpled beneath him and he dropped to the pavement, rolling himself into a small ball of self-comfort. Beast Boy bent down and wrenched the sack of money from Johnny's hand, walking over to Robin and depositing it in his.

"Job done," he stated simply. Robin surveyed his teammate through large eyes, mask stretched considerably to accommodate them. "Are you OK?"

"Yep," Beast Boy told him.

"Beast Boy, that was…most frightening," Starfire said softly, her apple-jade eyes even wider than normal.

"Yeah BB, I gotta admit, you kinda scared the living shit outta me. I thought for a second there you were gonna pull a Rae on us," Cyborg said carefully.

"Naw. I'm not a psycho," Beast Boy said. Cyborg was slightly disturbed by Beast Boy's indirect insult at Raven, but kept his mouth shut. It seemed like it was just one of those foot-in-mouth moments. "Sorry to scare you guys."

A whirring siren that had been floating in the distance grew louder.

"Good, the authorities are here," Robin said with a tone of pure relief. "We can get back home." he set the bag of money on the pavement clearly in the view of the cops who were now getting out of their cars.

"Yeah, that would be best," Cyborg agreed. The four of them turned to go, and were blinded simultaneously by a bright flash of white light. Holding an arm in front of his eyes, Robin squinted at the thin blonde reporter standing before them and the large hairy camera man and thin, bald photographer who lingered just inches behind her.

"Can we help you?" he asked.

"Yes. Robin, leader of the Teen Titans, is that right?" the reporter asked, shoving her microphone under Robin's nose even though the camera wasn't rolling. He instinctively took a step back.

"Yes, right," he said uncomfortably.

"What's with the light show, lady? You could permanently damage the criminal control unit here, you know?" Cyborg asked, rubbing his human eye.

The thin blond gave a small chuckle. "Sorry about that. I'm Julia Thompson with Jump City Update, and I wanted to ask you…er…four?…I wanted to ask a few questions," she said grandly with a highly pompous hand gesture to the two men behind her.

"You are updating the city? I was not aware it was in disrepair," Starfire said, looking slightly confused.

Julia gave an extravagant chuckle and her partners guffawed. Robin tensed, clenching his fists, and Starfire wrapped her had quickly around one of them. "Calm down, Robin. She did not mean the badness," she whispered sideways at him. Robin's hand relaxed in her grip.

"Sure. What did you want to know?" he asked, calmer now.

"Fabulous," Julia exclaimed, turning to face the camera. "Roll it," she said. And then, in a professional tone, smooth and controlled: "This is Jump City Update. I'm Julia Thompson coming to you live from downtown Jump City, where the Teen Titans have just finished defending our city against yet another criminal. The city is all well and fine, but the question is, are the Teen Titans?"

"Excuse me?" Robin asked from behind her. She shoved the microphone into his face again, and it took quite a bit of willpower to keep from wrenching his face away from it.

"Our viewers are dying to know, so perhaps you could tell us, are the rumors that have been circling about your team based on any actual fact?" Julia asked. Robin raised an eyebrow.

"Um, that depends on what the rumors are," he told the microphone.

"Well, I see by now that one of them is true, by the absence of…was it Crow?"

"Raven," Robin corrected her.

"Yes, _Raven._ Well, the rumors about Raven's departure are true, then. You saw it here first, people. But what about the team splitting up?"

"Huh?" Robin asked stupidly.

"Rumor has it that Raven's sudden disappearance is because of the team breaking up. So, is it fact or fiction? Is this the end of the Teen Titans?" Julia asked both Robin and the camera in a very mysterious voice.

"No," Robin said, looking at Julia as though she were insane. "The team has no intention of breaking up. Raven's….um…_relocation_ has nothing to do with anything like that."

"OK, whatever you say," Julia said cheerfully. "Now, that's two rumors proved false. But what about the last one?" she moved over to Beast Boy, who had remained silent up until this point, and invaded his personal space with the microphone. "Is it true that you and Raven were involved in a romantic relationship?"

Beast Boy refused to look at her. He could sense the camera pointed at his face. "Murph," he muttered halfheartedly.

"Our viewers are wondering, if you love her, why didn't you go after her when she left? What caused her to leave? And were you two truly in a relationship?"

"Leave me alone," Beast Boy said softly. Julia showed no mercy.

"Come on, it's OK. Just answer the questions," she said.

"No, I don't want-"

"Just answer the-"

"Shut up!" he snapped in her face. "Yeah, I was Raven's puppet for a while, OK? I didn't go after her because she fucking told me not to! And she left because she got tired of dealing with my shit!" he walked over to the camera and shook it, screaming into it. "Why _did _you leave, Raven? Was I not good enough? Were you embarrassed by me? Or was it just too much of a crisis that I **wouldn't FUCK you?** Is that it?" he whipped around and took a wide-eyed Julia's microphone and threw it down onto the pavement. "Now if you'll _excuse me_, I'm going to leave you to ruin other people's lives, bitch! Thanks for making me think about her again!" and with that, he stomped away from the group, morphing into the shape of an eagle and taking flight.

Robin looked at Julia. "I'm not going to make excuses, or pretend like that I think what he just did was wrong," he said, shaking his head at her. "And I just can't wait to see you get sued for putting that on live tv. Next time, just leave the poor guy alone." he turned to his team. "Come on, let's get back home. He'll need some cheering up," he told them.

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**More soon. Sorry it took so long. **


	37. Behind My Mask

**Disclaimer: Woot!**

**Chapter thirty-seven! Yay! And more thanks to the Gnostic, who also helped with a concept in this chapter. I'd just be screwed without you, wouldn't I? **

**No, I really don't know what the place Slade's lair used to be looks like, so I'm sorry about the inaccuracies. And forgive the boringness of this chapter. **

**Yay! School's out! (happy dance) I'll have more time for writing now!**

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"Oh Beeeeeeast Booooooy," Starfire said happily, sticking an arm into Beast Boy's room. In her hand was a plate piled high with tofu burgers. She jostled the platter a bit to waft the smell of the soy meat into the room. "We have elected to have a non-meat hamburger-eating contest! I trust you are wishing to participate? You are most certainly in need of food after the events of the Julia Thompson and Johnny Rancid."

When she didn't get an answer, the Tamaranian stuck her head into the room. "Beast Boy?" she asked, staring around at the empty, messy chamber. "Where have you gone?" she wondered aloud.

Back in the living room, Robin and Cyborg looked up at the girl when she entered.

"He said no? I would have thought he'd jump at the chance to watch us choke down tofu," Cyborg said, scratching his temple.

"I…did not find him," Starfire said timidly.

"What?" Robin asked, looking alarmed.

"He was…not in his room," Starfire informed him.

Robin stood up. "Oh God, this is not good. What if he…what if he went after Raven? What if he decided to go off on his own too? What if he tried to kill himself again?" his eyes widened. "Shit, what if he's off somewhere with his wrists bleeding all over the place, or what if he's slowly dying from aspirin overdose or he's hanging by his throat from a bridge somewhere or he's asphyxiating himself in the T Car or-"

"Robin, calm down. This isn't like you. Just chill for a minute and-" Cyborg began.

"Calm down? You want me to calm down when our friend might be dying?" Robin snapped. "What the fuck is your problem?"

"What's _yours_?" Cyborg asked, raising an eyebrow. "I was just saying you didn't need to get all worked up over it. I know BB. He's not going to try and kill himself over something like this. Things have to build up for him to get to that point. He's probably just cooling down somewhere and he'll be back soon. The best thing we can do is stop worrying about him and let him do his thing."

"How can you say that when he tried before? How can you know anything for sure after everything that's been happening lately?" Robin spun around and put his hands on his head. "How can _any _of us be sure about one single damn thing?"

Cyborg placed a hand on the Boy Wonder's shoulder. "Easy, Robin. He'll be fine. He is a Titan, after all," the teenager said with a slight smile. "I think he'll be OK."

Robin sighed and sat down on the couch. "I know, I know. I just can't help but worry," he muttered.

"That's because he's our friend. It's OK to worry. It's natural. Just don't let the worry govern everything else you do," Cyborg said.

Robin nodded. "I'll give that a shot," he said with little conviction.

**XXX**

The small green eagle flew over the buildings and streets of Jump City, following its course straight and steady. Flying straight past the highly inhabited places, out toward where fewer people frequented. To Jump City's outskirts. This was a place where unimaginable things had happened right under the noses of the city's finest. This was a place where unthinkable sins had become an everyday reality, where everything was darkness, and there was no escape. The land seemed relatively normal, though a little quiet. A place holding its breath, nervous for the continuation of the things it had seen carried out in its own depths.

There were places here, well hidden, in that old warehouse, under that ground, all around this spot, where things had happened that could never be forgotten by the few that knew of them. People had died. People had burned to death here by molten rock pushed up from beneath the surface by one girl's beautiful and terrible powers. Thousands of robotic warriors had been kept hidden here, waiting for the day when a battle needed to be won by their creator. People had been abused here, beaten here, wounded here, the old screams nothing but a faint memory dulled by the softness of the breeze and the tranquility of the warm spring sun falling through the stubble of grass. People had turned to stone by their own gifts. People had given their lives. And taken the lives of others. All for the sake of the city. But the city didn't know that. It stood, proud and pompous in all its glory, unaware of the deep sacrifice that had been made to protect the things that its buildings shielded.

The eagle landed on the packed dirt and in a matter of seconds became Beast Boy. He stood there for a moment, allowing the memories to wash over him. He stared at the old building before him. It was relatively plain save for the orange stained-glass windows that were now in some places cracked with neglect and weather. It had been a while.

And then he started forward, entering the building through a broken window, morphing for a moment into a cat to fit through the small opening. He looked around the bowels of the place. It no longer resembled a normal building on the inside. It was formed mostly of hardened lava, twisted mounds and spirals of rock that seemed almost mangled by some great force. There were cracks, deep chasms, and tall pedestals made of the imperfect stone. One such pedestal was taller than the rest. Beast Boy trudged up to it.

At the foot of the pedestal sat a plaque:

**Terra**

**A Teen Titan**

**A true friend**

Beast Boy knelt and picked up the bouquet of withered, dry roses that sat at the front, and then sat down on the stump of rock, heaving a heavy sigh.

"I don't know where else to go. I need to think, so I came here. So hi, Terra. I know you came back after you 'died' here, and I know you died again and you were buried somewhere else, but I don't think I could ever actually go to the place where you're really buried. It would be too hard." he sighed again. "I'm so scared and…confused. And I just need someone to listen. Not to talk to me, but to listen. And so, here I am. You're my friend, so maybe you'll listen. Maybe you can hear me. I just…I love Raven so much. I can't stop. I don't…I don't _want _to stop. But I need to. I just want to feel whole again. I don't think I'll ever be able to love anyone else now, but I just want to feel like I can go on without thinking of her every second of my life. I get so angry without knowing why. I just…maybe I don't want to deal with the pain, and how much missing her hurts me. I don't _want _to mourn this loss. She _chose_ to leave me. That doesn't sound like someone who deserves to be missed, does it?" he paused, looking up into the bare rafters of the old building's roof.

"I guess I just get so angry to mask my pain. That's what she always did, isn't it? She hid her pain with anger and hurtful words, didn't she?" he looked absentmindedly down at his gloved hands, colored faintly orange by the light seeping through the dusty stained-glass windows. "God, I….I'm so much like her, aren't I? I hide who I am with false emotions because I'm too afraid to look the truth in the face." pause. "I was wrong. I was so wrong to love her. I was so wrong to think that she could ever love me back. Really love me, anyway. Maybe that's why she left. Because I loved her too much. Maybe my feelings scared her. Maybe she didn't _want _to be loved. I can't stop loving her, Terra, no matter how hard a I try. Just make it stop, please," he whimpered, slumping over to lie on the smooth stone surface.

A bird rustled in its nest in the rafters above, sending a curtain of shimmering dust down through the slanting beams of morning sunlight. Beast Boy was quaking with unreleased sobs now. But he refused to cry. Not this time.

"Why did I have to start loving her in the first place? Why? Why can't I just love you instead? It was so much simpler. I never loved you as much as I love Raven, but it was so easy to…to love you. Why can't I ever just take the easy way out? Why did I have to become infatuated with that goddamn demon?" his voice crept louder and louder with anger. "Look what she did to me! I could never even love _you _now, because I'm so afraid. I'm stuck. I can't go back to when I didn't love her, I can't go forward to ever loving anyone else. I'm just stuck here being madly in love with someone who doesn't give a fuck about me!" he yelled, slamming his fist down on the rock. A jet of pain shot through his hand and he winced, waiting for it to subside. When it did, he allowed his thoughts to sink down, down into oblivion, willing them away. He allowed his mind to empty, and he allowed himself to be surrounded by the blissful silence, comforting him inside and out.

And then he allowed himself to miss Raven completely with all of his soul.

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**More soon. Yay! I'm writing really fast lately. **


	38. Mirroring Her Soul

**Disclaimer: Chicken fingers taste good with ranch dressing!**

**Chapter thirty-eight! More! I'm getting so much done without the stress of school and it just ended today! **

**I'm so happy today! I just…I love you all so much! (gives you all big hugs) I hope none of you ever change! If you're reading this right now, always remember how special you are, and how special you make me feel by reading my writing!**

**Sorry this chapter is so short!**

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"Hey guys," came a voice from the entry of the living room. Three heads bobbed up simultaneously and looked at Beast Boy as he entered the room.

"Where were you?" Robin demanded, sounding both irritated and relieved at once, hiding his earlier panic behind a sheath of frustration.

"Oh, you know, cooling down," Beast Boy said with a nonchalant shrug.

"That's all you have to say? After you scared us all half to death? 'Cooling down'?" Robin asked.

"Dude, somebody's a little bit spastic today," Beast Boy said, looking at Robin with one eyebrow raised.

"I'm not 'spastic'. I'm just worried about my friend who has prior suicide attempts, that's all!" Robin said.

"Since when are you my mom? I can take care of myself," Beast Boy muttered.

"Obviously not," Robin muttered under his breath.

"What are you saying?" Beast Boy asked dangerously, his green eyes narrowing into slits.

"I'm saying that I don't think you can take care of yourself when you had to resort to ending your life to deal with pain," Robin explained coolly, and immediately feeling guilty for the playing the suicide card.

"It was in the fucking past! Now you're judging me by the _past_?" Beast Boy asked, gaping incredulously at his friend.

"It wasn't that long ago, Beast Boy," Robin reminded him unnecessarily.

"You think I don't know that? Thanks for the reminder, buddy!" Beast Boy's voice was ringing with sarcasm now.

"Hey, can both of you just shut up? It's tense enough around here without you two at each other's throats," Cyborg snapped, all hints of patience gone from his voice. "I'm getting sick of this. You're friends, dammit! Start acting like it. Both of you are part of the greatest support system to each other that the world has to offer. You need to stop fighting. We all do. "

"I am agreeing with Cyborg. We do not need to make it worse," Starfire chimed in from the sofa. "Things are bad enough with dealing with the terrible happenings. Fighting will only make us all feel worse."

Robin sighed. "I'm sorry Beast Boy. I didn't mean to freak out at you," he offered, glad he had an excuse to end the fight before things got out of hand.

"It's fine. _I'm _sorry. I was the one being an asshole," Beast Boy answered him. "I didn't mean to snap at you." his eyes lowered slowly to the carpet with guilt.

"It's fine. No hard feelings. So, we're still OK, then," Robin said uncertainly. Beast Boy looked up, seeming a bit less guilt-ridden.

"Yep. Let's just forget about it," Beast Boy said with a slight sigh. "I need to think for a while, OK? I'm going to my room. Don't worry. I'm not gonna go all crazy suicidal again," he assured his friends before turning to leave the room. "Sorry I made you worry by running off, and sorry I freaked out at that reporter chick."

"That's OK. You didn't mean to worry us. And I think we all thought your little freakout was justified," Cyborg said. The other two Titans nodded. Beast Boy grinned slightly and turned, walking out of the room.

When the bedroom door shut behind him, Beast Boy released himself from behind his emotional barrier and his supported outer wall collapsed. He crumbled emotionally and flopped down on the floor, just glad to be alone, to not have to pretend anymore.

He had always felt like this. He was always like this. From the day the Titans had started, from the times before he could remember, he had hidden who he really was behind a façade of smiles and laughter and jokes and an easygoing face. That was never who he really was. It had never been something he could honestly say was any more than just a lifestyle and persona built entirely out of lies to keep other people from getting in. He never let himself show through. Raven was the only person who he had ever allowed to see him cry, to see him be himself, to see him stop pretending. She was the only one who had ever made him _want _to take down that wall. She had made him want to take it down since the first time he'd met her. He hadn't been sure why. He had never been able to figure it out. There had just always been something about her that made him want to trust her, to be around her, and eventually, to love her.

He gave a sigh. He didn't want to think of Raven. He didn't want to think of that easy, natural attraction he had always felt for her whether he had realized it or not. Thinking of how fearless he had been with his emotions made him feel even worse. He attempted to push the beautiful face out of his mind.

'_Think of something else. Anything else. Starfire's Pudding of Sadness. That was so gross! I don't blame Raven for not wanting to taste it. Oh. Damn. Um…something else! Cyborg's patented spider monkey face, yeah! That is so funny! It even made Raven smile once. Uh-oh. Um…something else. The last video game I played. Hmm. That was one about monkeys. Raven kept telling me to turn the sound off. Oh, Dammit!' _he thought. "I never going to be able to stop thinking about her, so what's the point in even trying?" he asked aloud, rolling over. Her violet eyes watched him from every corner of his troubled mind.

"I can't stop thinking about her. I might as well take care of what's left to take care of while she's on my mind," he muttered to himself. There were things he didn't want to keep running from, hiding from. Things he was going to have to face whether he liked it or not. Those amethyst eyes looked deep into his soul no matter how hard he tried to forget them.

The dark gap between his bed and the floor loomed just inches from his hand. His fingers twitched. "No, I won't…" he muttered. His hand inched forward anyway. He reached a hand under the bed and felt around until he touched something that crinkled beneath his grasping fingers. Closing his hand around it, he pulled it out of the dark space and brought it up to his chest. Smelling the small bundle hard enough, he could smell herbal tea and lavender. The scent washed over him like a breeze.

Slowly, Beast Boy held the thing out in front of him and stuck his thumb into its covering, ripping a small slit in the tissue paper. Pulling his thumb slowly along the tissue paper, he ripped a long gash. Unable to stand the suspense anymore, he took a deep breath and ripped the paper away altogether, and the object that it had concealed fell gently into his hands.

For a moment, Beast Boy could not breathe. He could only sit in silence and stare down at the object. It was dark and smooth, light in weight and so familiar. Raven's stare in his mind bored into him even more distinctly.

It was Raven's mirror.

Beast Boy stared down at the sinister, ornamental mirror for a moment, memories hitting him like a thousand bullets.

'"_The mirror you found is for meditation. It's a portal into my mind. Not a toy!" _the words came rushing back to him as though it had only been yesterday instead of nearly a year-and-a-half ago. Raven had been so secretive, so territorial about this thing. She had been angry at him for touching it, because it was so personal. It allowed him to look into her mind. To know what she was thinking or feeling no matter what she said on the outside or how she acted. It was a way to see the true Raven no one else ever saw. This was so…private. So why was she giving it him?

Beast Boy's confusion ran rampant through his mind and he shoved the mirror under his bed and stood up, head spinning. He needed to think. He needed fresh air. Making the quick decision to go and sit on the roof and sort these things out, Beast Boy made his way toward the bedroom door, slowly, dazedly. It slid open for him and he kept moving until he ran into something very solid in the doorway.

"What the-" he asked aloud, looking up.

Large, terrified violet eyes looked straight back into his own green ones. But this time, they weren't watching him from his mind.

They were real.

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**More very soon! Wow, I'm sorry about the cliffy. **


	39. The Ghost Slips Away

**Disclaimer: Boo dee doo**

**Chapter thirty-nine! Cold pizza and memories of teen angst, and I'm ready to go! (: Enjoy!**

**It's the second day of summer vacation! I smile! I'm writing so fast now!**

**I need to cut my toenails. **

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Beast Boy stood there with his mouth hanging partway open, gawking, as the eyes blinked a few times, and their owner backed up a bit into the dark hallway. The eyes were watching him nervously, praying for a break in the silence, praying for anything that wasn't a sign of hatred. Beast Boy stared in silence into the face that had haunted him for so long, almost in disbelief that it could still be real. After even a short time, she had become a vision. Just a faint memory of how things had once been. But never real. The concept of her still being real to him had been forgotten until this very moment.

She was just as he had remembered her. He had imagined that if he ever saw her again, even though it had only been a few days since the last time, she would be remarkably different somehow. But she wasn't. The same, short violet hair, the same beautiful, wide eyes, the same pale skin. The only difference was that now her normally deep blue cloak was a hue of consuming, unforgiving black.

"Raven?" Beast Boy asked, unable to close his gaping mouth. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

Raven winced at his tone and lowered her eyes from his, head bent in shame. "I…just needed to see you again….just for a moment…just once. I thought you'd be asleep, and I thought I could get in and out without you knowing-"

"Oh, so now I'm not even worth enough to find out when you just get a wild hair to stare at me, is that it?" Beast Boy snapped coldly.

"No, God Beast Boy, why are you saying that?" Raven asked, looking at him again. There was something strange in her eyes, something almost like fear.

"Because maybe that's what I think your motivation is. What am I supposed to think, after you just ran off and left me, and you were _going_ to do it without so much as a goodbye?"

"Beast Boy-"

"How could you even think you can just come here? How can you think we fucking _want _you here?" he could feel himself getting angry without knowing why. He could feel the anger starting to go out of control. "After what you did to me-"

"Beast Boy, I'm sorry!" Raven said, and Beast Boy could hear her sincerity. "I never meant to hurt you, never. Jesus, how could I want to hurt _you_?" she was wounded and he could tell.

"Did you think leaving me _wasn't _going to hurt me? What kind of stupid bitch are you? Running out on me after everything that happened, and you thought I wasn't going to get hurt?" Beast Boy was starting to become hysterical.

He could tell this had struck Raven hard. She trembled slightly but stood her ground. "I never wanted you to get hurt. That was something I never wanted to happen-"

"Like hell you didn't want it to happen. You never cared about me, and you don't now! You could never really care about me! Fuck, do you care about _anyone_?"

"Of course I cared about you, Beast Boy. I always did. I do now. I could never stop caring about you!" Raven said, looking him in the eye.

"Well, you have a fucked up way of showing it, then!" Beast Boy snapped, taking a step forward, anger radiating off of him. "You _never_ cared about me, and you know it!"

"Don't tell me how I feel!" Raven snapped, angry for a split second before she controlled herself, looking shocked by her own emotions.

"If you don't want me to think wrong about the way you feel, why don't you start showing your emotions, you goddamned little stoic?" Beast Boy barked at her. "Why didn't you just fucking tell me how you felt that made you want to leave? We could have fixed it! We could have done _something. _Why aren't I worth sharing your emotions with? Why? Did I do something to make you want to leave, Raven? What did I do wrong, huh? Tell me, what did I fucking do wrong?"

"You didn't do anyth-"

"Was it the fact that I cared about you? Was it the fact that I loved you more than anyone _else_ ever could? Was it because I would have done anything for you? Or was it because I just wanted to be with you forever? Which of those things is a terrible sin, huh? Which one, Raven?" all control was gone now.

Raven's eyes were starting to tremble now. He could see tears building in corners. "Beast Boy I…I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you think I didn't care. I _do _care, I really do. I love you, Beast Boy. I know it's not going to make everything OK, but… please just give me a moment to explain this to you-"

"Why? So you can lie to me some more?" Beast Boy asked, taking a few steps forward until their noses were touching. "You _love_ me? That's bullshit! Love is bullshit! You don't love me! You never did! You loved that goddamned Malchior more than you ever loved me! I was never special to you, was I? I was never good enough for you! I was just another addiction! You never love anyone! You never loved me and you never could! I don't even think you _wanted _to love me! Why the fuck would you do that to me when you were just going to leave me anyway?" he was starting to cry now, but he didn't care anymore. "Why would you make me so damn happy, make me feel so incredibly loved, and then just give me a big old slap in the face?" he took several breaths to keep from breaking into uncontrollable sobs. "Maybe you loved me a little, for a while. But it was probably on accident, and it probably just got too annoying to ignore!" he was crying harder now. "Just like me, right? Just like how you can ignore me for awhile until I get annoying, and then you have to deal with me! All I am is an annoyance to you! Just like I was before I loved you! I'll never be anything more to you, will I? I tried so damn hard to make you happy! I would have done almost anything for you! But it was never good enough for you! What more did you want? Just tell me, what more did you want?"

Beast Boy wasn't the only one crying now. Tears were streaming silently down Raven's cheeks. "Please don't think that!" she said shakily. "You were good enough! You were always good enough! You made me so happy, Beast Boy! It was never your fault I left, not for even a second! I loved you! I love you now! I've _always _loved you, from the first time we fought you and brought you back to the Tower, from the first word you ever said to me! It took me so long to realize it, but I've always loved you! I _never _loved Malchior! _You _were always the one I wanted, the one I loved! Never anyone else! I never loved you on accident! I wanted to love you! I never wanted anything else! You were the only thing I ever needed! I'm sorry I was so terrible at showing it! I'm so sorry I made you think anything different!" she said desperately, trying to keep her crying under control. She touched Beast Boy's cheek, and he pushed her hand away angrily.

Beast Boy cried even harder as she said these things. "I don't want to hear it! Even if any of that is true, I don't want to hear it!" he covered his head with his hands, starting to shake. "Loving you was the worst mistake I ever made in my life," he looked up at her, trembling. "I was stupid to think it was a good idea to fall in love with someone who is too afraid of her damn emotions to return the feeling. You say you love me, but it's just words. Your actions show how you really feel. And your actions say you don't care about me. You don't care about me at all." he paused. "Just…just get the fuck away from me. I never want to see you again for as long as I live."

Raven was starting to sob uncontrollably, despite her attempts to quell her tears. "Beast Boy-" she said softly. "Please-"

"Shut up! I love you so much, but I need to stop, so I just don't want to look at you! Every word you say makes me want to hold you and never let go, no matter what it is! I want it to stop! I want to stop loving you! I want to stop thinking about you! Just make it stop Raven, please!" Beast Boy sobbed, collapsing to his knees on the floor. Raven knelt down before him, crying as hard as he was.

"I don't know how to make it stop. I'm sorry," she sobbed softly. "I'm sorry I made you feel this way. I'm sorry I hurt you so much. I'm just…I'm just so sorry for everything."

For a moment, Beast Boy reached out to her, dropped his hands onto her thin shoulders and rested his forehead against her chest. But then he pulled away once more, clutching his own frame and sobbing harder than ever before. "Please…go away!" he sobbed. "Don't make me feel this anymore!"

"Beast Boy-"

"Go!" came his desperate plea, eyes looking up into hers and begging for her to release him. "Now! Don't say anything! Just go!"

Slowly breaking inside, Raven stood up, looking down at the sobbing heap on the floor. It hurt so much to know he wouldn't allow her to comfort him. She stared into his teary eyes for a moment, and their eerie, unbreakable connection once more became evident to both of them at the very same moment. The world existed with only the two them for a moment. There was nothing else in the whole universe that could tear them apart.

A small noise sounded behind them. Raven slowly turned her head. Robin was staring back at her in shock.

"Raven?" he asked.

She stared at him, trembling, for just a moment. 'I'm sorry' she mouthed, trying to conceal her hysterical tears. And then she rose up and ghosted through the roof, leaving nothing but the form of a black raven of her psychic energy, and then she was gone.

"Beast Boy…" Robin dropped to his knees before the sobbing changeling. Beast Boy's hollow, tearful eyes looked back up at him. Robin just sat there in silence for a moment, watching the epitome of misery before him. And for a moment in that silence, Robin felt Beast Boy's pain. He felt every hint of misery and ache through those deep ties of friendship that he had heard of before but never experienced. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his friend in a tight, comforting hug. "I'm so sorry," he muttered quietly. "I really am."

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**More really soon. Yeesh, this was a depressing chapter. **


	40. Holding On

**Disclaimer: I don't own stuff!**

**Chapter forty! Woot! This chapter went kinda slow. I went through six glasses of soymilk before it was done. Enjoy! Robin gets all fatherly on BB in this chapter. (: **

**_I drew a scene from Chapter 14! The little fluffy scene on the roof where BB hold Raven's hands. I forgot to make BB holding both of Rae's hands, though, so he's only holding one. And I should have added her blushing. But still, I'm proud of it. To see it, copy 'n paste this URL and take out ALL the spaces: _http / www .deviantart. com /deviation/18727440/ **

**Note to all readers: I suggest checking out Ifartinurdirection's fic: 'From Flames to Ashes'**

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Beast Boy didn't respond to Robin's words in any way. He just sat there sobbing, dropping his head onto the Boy Wonder's shoulder.

"Why?" was all he could say through his sobs. "Why did all of this have to happen?"

Robin shook his head. "I don't know," he told the changeling, who was still crying hysterically.

"Robin, I just want it to go away!" Beast Boy gasped through his tears, returning Robin's awkward hug that kept him grounded in reality.

"I know," Robin said. "I wish I knew what to do."

Beast Boy sobbed endlessly for a few minutes. Robin tried to think of something to say to comfort him. Anything that might help even a bit.

"Beast Boy, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but things are going to be OK. Right now, you're world is caving in and you feel like you're losing your heart and your mind all at once, and you just want to stop feeling. You wish there was someone there to take it all away. Things like this don't just go away fast, but they will get better. You can get through this. When you lost Terra both times, when your parents died, when everything else that happened that was tough in your life was getting you down, you made it through in the end. And you will now," Robin assured him.

"How could you even say that?" Beast Boy sobbed. "I tried to _kill myself_ last time things were bad! I think I lost my will to cope. I don't know how to make it through this, I really don't!"

"Last time you couldn't make it through because you thought you were alone. No one knew how you felt. No one saw inside. But this time, we're all here for you. We'll help you through this. You can do this, Beast Boy, I know you can. Just keep on fighting. Don't give up. This is a battle. Surrender is the only enemy. Just keep your eye focused on victory. Don't let surrender get you." Robin paused. "I know you don't believe me, but you're going to be OK. I can't make it all go away, but I can tell you that if you don't give up, it will get better. I promise."

As Robin was talking, Beast Boy's tears had slowly died away and he sat there in silence now, head resting on his friend's shoulder, hysteria draining away and leaving him empty and exhausted.

"You really think it'll be OK?" he asked after a moment.

"Yes, I really do," Robin told him firmly. "You're a Titan, after all." and he realized that now his doubts were gone. Cyborg had been right. Beast Boy was a Titan. He could make it through anything, as long as the team had his back. Beast Boy could get through this. They could get through this. They just had to stick together.

Robin released Beast Boy from his hug and sat up. "You alright?" he asked.

Surprisingly, Beast Boy gave the faintest hint of a smile. "I think so, dude," he said, wiping his face dry. "Wow, I didn't realize how tired I was before."

"Maybe you'll feel better after you get some sleep," Robin suggested. Beast Boy nodded, standing up shakily and making his way weakly across the room to his bed. He hopped into it. Robin followed up, sitting down on the edge. "Mind if I stay for a while? I want to make sure you're OK."

Beast Boy shrugged. "OK," he agreed, sliding under his blanket and closing his slightly bloodshot eyes.

Robin sat in silence for a moment, trying to force the happenings of the past few days out of his mind.

**XXX**

Shaking his head in confusion, Robin walked shakily down the dark hallway, thinking of Raven. He wasn't exactly sure what to make of this situation. His head was spinning. Just a few minutes ago, everything had been normal…well, normal for what had been going on lately. And then he had been awakened by the shouting (how had everyone else slept through that?), and the entire night had turned into a soap opera.

With a sigh, Robin wandered through the dark corridor slowly, reaching Starfire's door. Rubbing his head to relieve some of his stress, he knocked softly on the door. "Star?" he called quietly. He stood in silence outside the door for a moment before it was opened by a surprisingly awake-looking Starfire.

"Robin! I am joyous to see you!" she said, clapping her hands together with giddiness Robin had not expected from _anyone _at this time of night. "You are in need of something?"

Robin scratched the back of his head. "Um…not really."

"Something is troubling you?" Starfire asked, tilting her head slightly as though trying to look into his soul and see what was wrong.

"Yeah, I guess," Robin said. He knew by now that it was easier just to tell her than to try to hide anything from her. There were times when he wondered how she knew him so well, how she could somehow sense his every emotion and thought. It was times like these he wondered if Raven wasn't the only telepath he knew.

"You are wishing to come in and have the sitting?" Starfire asked him. Robin smiled, shaking his head slightly at her strange and endearing choice of words and then nodding.

"Sure, why not?" he said with a shrug. He had felt so much more distressed before being in her presence. Starfire moved aside slightly to let him into the room. Robin followed her over to the bed and took a seat. She hopped onto the round bed and sat down beside him.

"Now, what is the matter, Robin?" she asked, settling down and watching him intently, giving him all of her attention and waiting for him to speak.

Robin was in awe every time he was around her. No one had ever been this way around him. No one had ever just wanted to listen whenever he had something to say. No one had ever made him such a big part of their world before. If he was the Robin he had been a year or so ago, he would have been afraid of her deep devotion to him. But now, it just made him content. Or as content as he could be when things were this strange.

"Well…Star, Raven came back," Robin said. Starfire stared at him for a moment in silence. Her mouth was pulled into a thin, taut line and she had little expression on her face. It was as though she were trying to decide between emotions deep within. "She was just here for a while, I don't know…she left again. I woke up to her and Beast Boy screaming at each other. And she was…she was crying. A lot. I've never seen _anyone _cry that hard. Beast Boy was crying too, but…it was nothing compared to what she was doing. And before she left she looked at me…" Robin paused. "Those eyes…I've never seen anyone look so hurt. I was so angry at her before, but now I don't know. Just that look…she looked dead with pain, that's what it was. Like the kind of pain someone gets when they're hurting, but they know it's their own fault. She looked so guilty. How can I be angry with her when she felt like that?"

Starfire didn't speak for a moment. "So you are not sure whether to forgive her or not?" Starfire asked.

"Sort of," Robin said with a slight yawn. "What do you think I should do?"

"Would you forgive yourself if you had done the same thing?" Starfire asked him, waiting attentively for a reply.

"I'm…not sure," Robin said, slightly confused. "I don't know if forgiving her even matters right now. I just…don't want to think about it!"

Starfire reached out a hand and stroked his hair gently, pulling him against her in a comforting gesture. "You do not need to worry about it at the moment. It is making you unhappy. You can deal with it when the right time comes."

"Thanks, Star," Robin said with a slight smile, resting his head against her shoulder. It felt so good for once in his life to have someone there to comfort him instead of being the one to comfort other people. It was nice not to be the one in control for once. To be the one who let things happen instead of made them happen. This relationship was the single source of solace in Robin's life at the moment, and he was grateful for it.

"Beast Boy is…OK?" Starfire asked, breaking the short silence.

"I hope so," Robin said, rubbing his temple briefly. "I talked to him until he stopped crying and made sure he got to bed OK, waited in there until he fell asleep. He seemed a little better. Jesus, how could Raven do that to him? He said he wanted her to leave again, told her to, but how could she?"

"I do not know," Starfire said softly, hand still continuing its soothing motion across his hair.

"Star?" Robin asked quietly, looking up at her.

"Yes?" Starfire asked him.

"Would you ever do that to me?" he asked uncertainly. Starfire tensed and put her arms around him, squeezing him tightly.

"Of course not, Robin," she said. "Never, never think something like that again."

Robin smiled. "I'm glad," he said.

"You were worried about this?" Starfire asked him.

"No, I just wondered if…no. This whole thing is just giving me a lot of stress and making me a little paranoid, that's all," he said with a yawn.

"You are in need of sleep," she observed.

"Yeah, probably," Robin said, but made no move to leave.

"You are not wishing to be alone tonight, are you?" Starfire asked, though it was more of a statement than a question.

"No, I don't want to be alone right now. How did you know?" Robin asked her.

Starfire just smiled. "You are Robin. Since the day we first met, I have been doing my very best to know you as well as I can. You are welcome to sleep in my room."

"Thanks, Star," Robin said gratefully. He didn't move, however, unsure of what to do. Starfire moved off of the edge of the covers and lifted them for Robin so he could crawl under. With some hesitation, he moved under the soft shocking pink blanket and lay down, trying not to feel too awkward. Starfire wriggled in beside him, looking into the places where his eyes should have been looking back on his mask for a moment. She was seeing more than just the mask. Robin felt as though the soft lime eyes were staring into the very depths of his soul.

Starfire moved forward slightly and wrapped her arms around him, which startled him at first. When he calmed down and returned her embrace, she snuggled closer. Robin's unease melted all at once. He pulled her even closer to him, her warmth becoming his warmth, her arms becoming his arms, until there was no telling where he ended and she began. The two entwined into one form, one being, one heart sealed together by bonds of love deeper than Robin had ever even begun to fathom before this very moment.

"Oh, Star," he whispered softly, in wonder at how a simple hug could make him feel as though he were finally alive. His lips brushed hers for a moment, and then moved to her hair. He caressed the fiery locks gently with his lips, delicate kisses on her hair and then her forehead before he stopped and buried his face in her neck. "I love you so much," he whispered, squeezing her as close as he could.

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**More soon. Yay! I love the Robin and BB friendship. It's so much fun to write about. Did you enjoy a little break from the depressing stuff? I did. Wow, Robin was all…emotional in that. **


	41. Demon\'s Lament

**Disclaimer: Who cares?  
**

**Chapter Forty-one! It's a weird chapter with a weird concept, but it was something I wanted to try. Enjoy!**

**Thanks again to all of the people who are reading this! And also, thanks to everybody who's been sending me stuff for my site. If you want me to put the link to your fic or to a fic you like on it, email me about it! I'd be more than happy to do it as soon as I can get in to edit my site again. **

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"How could you do this to him? You are a stupid, terrible bitch! You will never be anything else, you shameless little whore!" Rage snapped loudly, grating on Raven's nerves. "You should be struck down by the flames of Hell itself, you miserable cretin!" the voice rang out through the silent, dead air. The dead, bare black trees seemed to shake with it. At the angry shrieks, the small ravens perched in the trees' branches took flight in a flutter of feathers, speckling the air with faint caws of distaste.

"I know," Raven replied.

"He doesn't want to love you anymore. It's our fault!" wept Timid. "All our fault!" her wails echoed over the barren landscape just as intensely as Rage's growls.

"I know that too," Raven whimpered, pulling her knees up against her chest rocking herself slightly for comfort. "You think I haven't figured that out by now?"

"This is so terrible. He loves you so much, and you're just hurting him by loving him back!" Guilt said gloomily. She was the loudest of all, blaring through her mind, searing Raven's heart each time she released one of her comments.

"So what am I supposed to do? Stop?" Raven asked, pulling at her violet hair, little jerks releasing her frustration on the purple locks. "I could never stop loving him! Never!"

"Maybe you should try harder! You ruined his life! You ruin it every day with your feelings for him! Every day a little more of him is eaten away by the acid you call love! You just hurt him even more by going to him! Did you think you were going to feel any better by seeing him?" Guilt asked harshly.

"Yeah, what the fuck were you thinking?" Rage bellowed.

"You just wanted to see him!" Love chimed in, offering the best and truest words she could summon.

"You knew he wasn't going to want you anymore!" Timid sobbed shamelessly.

"There was no point in going! You knew it was going to end in pain!" Hopeless cried, her tone true to her name.

"You were the ones who told me to go to him!" Raven said. "You said that if I truly loved him, nothing could keep us apart! I was an idiot to listen to any of you!"

"Love told you that. None of the rest of us would say something so completely moronic!" Rage roared, giving Love a swift kick in the shin.

"Well, Love, you are a fucking dumbass! It's not true! I love him more than anything in the world, but after what I've done to him, I don't deserve him! He deserves someone who will make him happy. I could never make him happy! I could never make anyone happy!" Raven rubbed her forehead. "There are some things even the strongest of love cannot withstand."

"You're damn right!" said Doubt loudly. "You really think your love was strong in the first place, anyway? How could love coming from a monster be strong? Because that's all you are, Raven! A goddamned monster!"

"Stop sitting there like a child and face it like a woman! You are a worthless, pathetic piece of shit. Stand up and look at me!" Self-Loathing said, words cutting Raven like daggers in her throat.

Raven pulled her knees farther up against her chin, starting to weep softly. Not for herself. For Beast Boy.

"Stand up, dammit! Face me, you stupid bitch!" Self-Loathing grabbed Raven by the hair and pulled her to her feet. Raven gave a slight gasp of pain as Self-Loathing held her aloft for a moment and then threw her back to the ground. The already fractured dirt cracked even more as Raven's body hit it. Self-Loathing gave a small cluck of disgust at Raven, walking over to where she now lay and kicking her in the ribs repeatedly. Raven lay still and allowed herself to be harmed. Tears were running silently down her cheeks to the unforgiving ground, tears of bitter shame and self-resentment.

"I deserve this," she whispered. "I deserve every bit of it." her own words were a desperate plea to bring more pain. To bring more of what she deserved.

"You are fucking right!" Rage said, watching in satisfaction. She gave Raven a few kicks too, and then spit in her face and ground her foot into her chest, the rubber heel digging painfully into her left breast. "You deserve it! The best thing in your life, and you fucked it up! Is that all you're good for?"

"Yes," Raven whispered.

Guilt knelt down beside her and slapped her repeatedly in the face. "Stupid, stupid Raven!" she commented. The cold hands stung Raven's cheeks as the words numbed her mind, bring more and more truth to the words in Raven's own point of view with every slap.

Doubt grabbed pinches of Raven's skin and twisted them painfully, all the while chanting "Bitch, bitch, bitch!" the pale skin buckled under her thick grip, burning and stretching and duplicating her inner pain.

Hopelessness was clawing Raven's face with her fingernails, digging viciously into the skin. Pulling out great chunks of flesh. Raven felt almost a sense of satisfaction as her own blood began to pour from the wounds. As the small bits of flesh came lose, Hopelessness flicked them off to the side like gum wrappers and continued her savage task.

Not far off to the left, Timid was on her knees, sobbing uncontrollably, the mind-numbing wail piercing Raven's ears. Love stood beside her, beating herself with her own fists. Quick, desperate beatings of anger and pain. Pain of a love that could not and would not die, but knew it would be best if it did. Behind this scene, Hope, Joy, and Brave lay on the ground, their bodies long dead and dismembered. This had happened to the three at different times. Joy had died the moment she had left Beast Boy's side. Brave had gone as Beast Boy screamed his words of resentment and love all bundled into one at her. And Hope had gone down slowly, Starving rather than being struck down quickly and painlessly. She had begun to starve the day Raven had killed Cinderblock. She had finally passed as Raven left the Tower again tonight. Their bodies lay still on the harsh, cracked dirt, rotting, filling the air of Raven's mind with the scent of decay and the memory of all she had lost.

"You deserve this!" Timid wept silently, pulling at her own hair, tearing at her pale gray cloak, struggling to relieve herself of the resentment and pain.

"Yes, you do! You deserve to bleed for him!" Love moaned. "Bleed, dammit! Bleed!" the one positive Emotion that Raven still retained was offering no more condolence than any of the others. In her battle she was alone.

"I'm bleeding, damn you! Can't you see?" Raven wept. "What more do you want?"

"Die!" Love screamed at her, tears starting to pour down her cheeks as well. She pulled her powder-blue hood up over her face and sunk down into the dirt as she began to cry as hard as Raven was. "Just die! You don't even deserve to live!"

"I fucking know that!" Raven snapped. She attempted to crawl away from her Emotions, who were still ravaging her body, but they followed her. She climbed shakily to her feet, finally finding the drive to want to end the pain. She took several quick, shaky steps away from them and then went down as Rage grabbed her by the back of the head and pitched her forward. She hit the dirt hard and felt her nose break.

"You need to stop trying to run away from your emotions, dear," Rabe said maliciously, kneeling down beside Raven's fallen body. Raven was shaking, willing this to be over. Rage slashed her sharp fingernails across Raven's chest, splitting her leotard and making a gash in her breast. Raven gave a soft whimper but gave up her retreat. Rage did the same savage act to Raven's belly, slitting the flesh deeply. Blood was starting to stain the ground. Rage cut Raven's neck, dipping her hand in the fresh blood and smearing it all over Raven's face, forcing it in her mouth. "Taste it! That's what shame tastes like! That what his pain tastes like! Drink it!" Rage roared, digging her fingers into Raven's shoulders.

"I deserve this," Raven reminded herself out loud. Rage straddled Raven and slowly dragged one long, deadly thumbnail across her forehead, cutting right down to Raven's skull. Her four cold, crimson eyes stared down at Raven with malicious pleasure, burning her very soul. "Can you feel it now?" she hissed. "Can you feel Beast Boy's pain?"

This pain was beyond anything Raven had ever felt, pain spanning every inch of her body. It was agony. It was torture. It was what she had done to Beast Boy on the inside. At the realization of this, her sobs became hysterical, piercing the silence of her mind.

Rage cackled. "That's right! Hurt how he hurts! Feel what he feels just because of you!" she grabbed Raven around the throat. Raven choked. "Yes, that's it. Just give in real nicely. Die like a good girl," Rage's voice came, lulling, almost gentle.

"No!" Raven gasped. "I can't die! I need to let Beast Boy know how sorry I am!"

"It's too late for that now!" Rage roared, squeezing harder, closing off any hope of oxygen sneaking through.

"He needs to know!" Raven choked. "I can't leave him like this!" she reached out blindly with her hands, swatting at Rage's face, but they did not phase her in the least.

"You can and you will!" Rage informed her, her hands pressing harder and harder into Raven's pale neck, the wicked smile that twisted her face growing wider.

"No!" Raven snapped, finally finding her strength were weakness had ruled supreme until that very moment. "Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos!" she roared, knocking Rage backward with a fountain of black psychic energy.

"Oh, aren't we the clever one?" Rage asked with a small smile as she picked herself up from the dirt, brushing grime from her deep crimson cloak.

"You can't kill me. You are merely a figment. You are only the physical manifestation of my own malevolence. Not real," Raven said, backing up a few feet.

"Maybe in the real world I'm not real," Rage said with a horrible smile on her lips. "But honey, in here, we're all that _is _real!"

"No!" Raven muttered, covering her head with her hands. Her fingernails dug into her scalp until she could feel the release of blood. "No! None of you are real! Get away from me!"

Raven shot into a sitting position and looked around. Thousands of twinkling stars winked down at her from a deep, royal blue night sky. She realized, looking off into the bay, that she was on a small ledge of the bridge above the water. Titans Tower was a like a beacon in the distance. Raven's hand flew to her face. When she found no blood there, she breathed a sigh of relief. The wounds were not there. The only moisture on her face was that of the tears that still spilled untamed from her eyes. The memories of the terrible pain ebbed. They could not hurt her. They were not real. Raven had had a harder time getting in and out of her mind without the mirror, but she had managed. She had been in her own mind. They were only her feelings. They were not real and never would be.

But their words were real.

Raven had known she had hurt Beast Boy before, but now, she was starting to see just how deep that hurt was. She hadn't had any idea it was so terrible. Her heart ached for what she had done to him. She loved him so much, and yet she had hurt him more than anyone else ever had. That knowledge was like an arrow wedged in deep between her ribs, piercing her heart but yielding no release of blissful death. She had done the unforgivable. She had broken the one she loved completely and absolutely, and there was no way for her words to take back what she had done. But no matter how long it took, how much it hurt, no matter what it cost, she would find another way. She was not going to let this torture be the only thing that linked them for the rest of their lives.

"I'm so sorry, Beast Boy," she whispered in the direction of the Tower. She pulled her knees up against her chest and sat there, staring at the giant T with tears still clouding her vision. She would stay close, with the Titans and Jump City in her view, and she would slowly find a way to repair all she had broken as time went on. But no matter how it happened, she wasn't going to give up. "I'll make it alright, Beast Boy. I promise," she whispered softly into the warm night air.

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**More soon. Yay! I'm glad the site is working again! (: I was getting so angry!**


	42. Fallen Angel

**Disclaimer: Noodles!**

**Chapter forty-two! Yay! I'd say as far as the plot goes, this is a pretty important chapter. So, enjoy! The battle scene seems pointless, but really, it's there for a reason. **

**Poor Cy. I feel bad for him. He's filling in the lighthearted bits of the conversations for BB and acting as the voice of impartial reason for Rae. He must be exhausted. **

**Note to Kazzers: Yep, it was a little bit of a reference to suicide in chapter 41, and you got it! Good for you! **

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Beast Boy had not left his room in three days.

It had been nearly three weeks since Raven's departure, and Beast Boy had finally lost all desire to act like a normal human being.

"BB, come outta there!" Cyborg called, beating a large mechanical fist against the door.

"No. There's no reason for me to, so why should I bother?" Beast Boy asked, his voice emotionless, from inside his room.

"Because we're worried about you, man! How long are you gonna stay in there? You haven't left that room in three days! Are you turning into Rae or what?" Cyborg asked, crossing his arms impatiently.

"No, I just want to be left, alone, that's all!" Beast Boy informed his friend, his tone leaving no room for argument.

"Sounds like Rae to me," Cyborg said. "Come on, at least humor Robin for a while and eat one of these fake meat things Star keeps making, won't you?"

"I don't want any tofu," the voice droned from inside the room. "Just go away, Cy."

"BB, you are _not _gonna turn into one of those reclusive zombie-Goths. Not on my watch," Cy said. "Just let me in, will you? I just wanna talk."

There were sounds of movement from inside the room, and the door slid open. Beast Boy looked up at Cy through weary eyes. "What?" he asked.

Beast Boy had a strange, underfed look to him, seeming almost sunken in, and he seemed a lot paler from lack of sun and food. Cyborg gave an overly-exaggerated 'eek' noise.

"God lord, BB. You lost 300 pounds in there! And I'm guessing you haven't been under a sun lamp in a while? You look like a seasick Rae."

"Very funny," Beast Boy commented with a slight twitch of his mouth that might have concealed a smile.

"Jesus, what are they doing to you in there? Sucking your soul out through your mouth?" Cyborg asked, raising his eyebrow.

"Are you gonna sit here making jokes, or is there something you wanna talk about?" Beast Boy asked.

"Come on BB, what happened? Where's the guy I know?" Cyborg asked.

Beast Boy smiled slightly. "Maybe he's hiding behind the emotionless mask so you'll stop bothering him?" he offered.

Cyborg allowed himself a smile at that. "So, what's going on lately?" he asked.

"I have a lot on my mind," Beast Boy explained, looking at the floor.

Cyborg sighed, dropping a hand onto Beast Boy's shoulder. "Look, I know Rae hurt you, but that's no reason to sit in here punishing _yourself."_

"I'm not punishing myself."

"Look me in the eye and say that," Cyborg said.

Beast Boy sighed. "OK, so maybe I am a little bit. But what else am I supposed to do?"

"Try to move on with your life. You _will _love again, BB. She's not the last girl in the world."

"She's the last girl for me," Beast Boy muttered. "She is the _only one."_

"Come on, don't you think you're being a little melodramatic?" Cy asked.

"No! I could never love anyone else like this!" Beast Boy said with a sigh.

"I know," Cyborg sighed. "Come on, maybe some tofu will make you feel better."

Beast Boy moaned. "Again with the tofu?"

"Hey, it could work," Cyborg argued.

"Oh, OK," Beast Boy gave in with a small smile. "Just because you say so."

"Somehow I thought you wouldn't be able to pass up that stuff," Cyborg grinned, heading in the direction of the living room. Beast Boy followed him halfheartedly.

"Hello, Friend Beast Boy!" Starfire said happily, jumping up from the sofa as her two fellow Titans entered the room. She threw her arms around him and squeezed until his eyes literally bulged out of his head.

"Hi," Beast Boy choked with what oxygen he had left in his lungs. He walked slowly over to the sofa and took a seat.

"Wow, Cyborg. You got him out of his room," Robin said. "Who would have thought it was possible?"

"It wasn't easy. Our BB put up quite a fight," Cyborg said with a wink, hopping onto the sofa beside him and putting his feet on the coffee table.

"Want some of this tofu-filled culinary delight?" Robin asked, holding a plate burdened with a soy dog up in front of Beast Boy.

"I'm not hungry," Beast Boy said as his stomach have a terribly exaggerated growl of starvation.

"You haven't eaten in three days. Don't give me that bullshit," Robin said, handing the plate to the changeling. "_Eat."_

Beast Boy sighed and took the soy dog from the plate, tearing a bite off with his teeth. When the food touched his tongue, he found it impossible to stop. The natural drive to fill himself took over and he devoured the soy dog like a crazy man, barely pausing for breath in between bites.

"Not hungry, huh?" Robin asked with a slight smirk on his face, passing Beast Boy another soy dog. Having gone without food for three days, Beast Boy literally couldn't stop. It wasn't until he was halfway through his fourth soy dog that he found the willpower to stop eating long enough to speak.

"Thanks," he said, the satisfaction of a full stomach pulsing throughout his body.

"It's good to see you doing something human again," Cyborg said good-naturedly, rubbing Beast Boy's hair into even greater disarray than normal.

The room was suddenly filled with the louder, ear-splintering sound of the alarm. A Titan Alert. Once more, Jump City was in trouble. With a sigh, Beast Boy placed the plate with his half-eaten soy dog on the coffee table.

"It seems like there's an Alert whenever we try to have a discussion. Fate must despise us or something," Cyborg joked, standing up.

"Let's just go," Robin said with a shake of his head.

**XXX**

"What is he _doing_?" Beast Boy asked, raising an eyebrow at the sight before them. Plasmus was standing a few yards in front of the four Titans, seizing cans of strange, unknown chemicals and smashing them against the floor of the warehouse. Their contents were spreading farther and farther, and the Titans backed up to avoid being drenched.

"I don't know, but he certainly does seem to adore toxic waste," Robin said with a half-smile, pulling a few disks from his utility belt and holding them ready in his hand.

"Watch out for those chemicals, BB. Remember what happened last time," Cyborg warned him, the end of his cannon glowing blue, ready for fire. Starfire's eyes and hands glowed green with power and she drifted several feet from the ground, and Beast Boy morphed into a bull. The three stood silent in anticipation, waiting for the two words that would begin the next battle in the relentless pursuit of justice.

"Titans, go!" Robin called out, voice echoing through the hollow reaches of the old warehouse. This alerted Plasmus to their presence, and he whipped around with a loud, unintelligible grunt. The four flew forward, eager to bring Plasmus to his knees. Robin hit his glob-like, shapeless head with three disks in a row, freezing it. Cyborg blasted the frozen head with a shot from his sonic boom, and the frozen mass shattered, giving Starfire time to fire several starbolts into his massive red stomach before the head regenerated. Beast Boy lunged forward in his bull form, slamming into the enormous left leg of the monster and splattering it everywhere. Plamus fell for a moment, and the three attacked him with relentless fury until the leg restored itself and he rose up, carelessly striking the changeling with the back of his hand. Cyborg caught his friend in midair and placed him safely back on the ground.

Plasmus reared up with a roar of fury at the attacks on him and slowly began to rip himself apart, hunks of red goo falling to the floor with loud, sloppy thuds and coming to life as more and more smaller versions of Plasmus. When the entire body had become around 60 smaller forms, they struck, flying forward, ten or more assaulting each Titan.

"This isn't working!" Cyborg shouted as he hit the Plasmuses around him with a series of blasts from his cannon. They regenerated even quicker than the original Plasmus, and they were on him in no less than five seconds.

"I know. Just…keep at it!" Robin instructed, hitting the Plasmuses with his bo staff. One of them grabbed it and wrenched it away from him, engulfing it with its gooey neck. Robin whipped out a few birdarangs and threw them at the monsters, but they only sunk into the slimy bodies and fell out of sight.

Beast Boy stood in the center of the ring they had made around him, transforming into assorted animals but none of them could seem to get any control over the gooey red force. An emerald gorilla slammed a fist into one's chest, creating a dip that soon refilled, and then was knocked back against another Plasmus. It began attempting to engulf him. With a squeak, he leaped away and into the center of the ring once more, transforming into Beast Boy and staying as far away from them as he could.

Starfire rose up above her Plasmuses, blasting them with her starbolts and attempting to knock them to the ground. One gave a strange gurgling noise and then reeled back, spitting a glob of red slime at her. It hit her and she was knocked to the ground, struggling to her feet and blasting herself clean of the disgusting mess. She rose up above them once more, flying off to the left. She retrieved Beast Boy from the center of the ring he was in and dropped him to a clear place, then rescuing Cyborg, and then Robin, who was the farthest away.

"Thanks, Star," Robin said and the other two nodded in agreement to his words.

"You are welcome," Starfire said with a smile. The four were distracted only for a few seconds, but when attention turned back to the battle, they saw exactly the consequences of this mistake. Surrounding the four in an almost solid wall of small, separate Plasmuses, the 60 stood, already advancing slowly on the Titans.

"We need to retreat! There's no way we can do this!" Beast Boy said hopelessly, staring around in worry as the huge crowd advanced on them.

"Yes we can! Titans, stand your ground!" Robin shouted. The Plasmuses grew nearer and nearer, and then suddenly, before the Titans had a moment to react, they pressed in on them, engulfing them, pulling them into the depths of the crimson glop, each sinking into a lucky Plasmus as the other 56 or so stood and watched.

"You still want us to stand our ground now, Robin?" Cyborg asked sarcastically as they sunk farther in.

"Yes. We'll think of something," Robin said, willing himself not to struggle and make himself sink faster.

"You don't get it, do you? We're finished! This is it! It's _over_!" Cyborg said bleakly, throwing his hands in the air as best he could.

"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos!" came a voice from somewhere out of their range of vision. The four Titans were surrounded by a warm, black force and lifted seemingly effortlessly out of the creatures and raised high in the air, placed on a stack of crates out of the range of danger. Raven then turned her attention to the Plasmuses, black cloak billowing out into the air behind her as she raised her hands once more. With another blast of her energy, several Plasmuses were knocked back, but it was not enough. Three at once hit her with jets of red slop, and she smacked into the ground hard, splintering a section of floor.

"Maybe we should-" Robin began to the other Titans, whose looks of shock were as pronounced as his own at her sudden appearance, but then Raven wrestled herself to her feet, her psychic energy slowly lifting the red mess from her body and dropping it to the floor. Her pain was obvious, but she held control over it.

Raven rose above the heads of her foes once more, intense concentration pulling her facial features into a look of focus. Several deep breaths, and Raven raised her hands gracefully into the air. "Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos!" a white light issued from her hands, knocking her back a few feet with its power. The white force flew forward, engulfing all of the Plasmuses at once. Straining slightly, sweat cascading down her forehead, she lifted them all up nearly into the rafters. With a wave of her hands, the Plasmuses collided with each other, becoming one, slowly developing into the normal Plasmus. When this was done, Raven slowly lowered him to the floor, still in his white cloud. As he touched the ground, the energy surrounding him turned from white to a bright red, and he began to writhe in frustration, but was immobilized completely in seconds, body temporarily paralyzed by her power.

With this finished, Raven released him from her energy and lifted one hand. In a few seconds, several lamp posts surrounded by black sped in through the large door of the warehouse. Raven expertly bent the metal posts around Plasmus' motionless body with her powers to prevent escape as he shouted incoherent grunts of resentment at her, obviously trying to move but to no avail.

As soon as he was secured, the red energy around him returned, and this time when it left him, he began to squirm as he regained the ability to move. He still threw his murmurs of hatred at Raven, but they did not phase her in the least. She moved down to stand with her feet on the ground.

Raven stood still, staring at Plasmus for a moment, a look of relief flooding her features. She stood motionless, cloak and hair blowing in the slight breeze that entered through the warehouse doors, and then she toppled backwards and fell with a soft thud to the floor, eyes rolling back as she lost consciousness.

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**More soon. I am horrible, because I think that could be considered a cliffy. **


	43. Violet and Hell

**Disclaimer: No.**

**Chapter forty-three. Sorry about the delay, guys. I've been an emotional wreck, so I haven't written in a few days. **

**Note to Oogiemchtagghhhh: **My monkey is neutered, thank you very much.

**Note to MistOfDarkness: **I am so deeply flattered! (: Thank you for your kind words! I cry a lot at fics too, and I'm not ashamed to admit it either. Yay for openness!

**I was looking through the My Pictures file on my computer, and I have come to the conclusion that I am a BBRae fiend. I just can't get enough! I have collected so much BBRae fanart that it's not even funny. **

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It took a few moments for the initial shock to wear off and for the Titans to take in all that had just happened. Until they were able to get a grip on reality, they stood motionless on top of the tall stack of crates, eyes bulging like four sets of dinner plates in their faces.

"Come on, guys," Robin said. His shock at the situation was painfully evident. Normally in battle situations he addressed them as 'Titans'. He was unwilling to show his lack of balance, however. He turned his gaze to the scene below them with his usual look of stern determination. Starfire lifted him under the arms and Beast Boy morphed into a pterodactyl and grabbed Cyborg by the shoulders with his claws, and the four headed for the ground. When they were all firmly planted on the weathered floor, they could do nothing but stare at the scene before their eyes. Plasmus lay restrained by strong, thick lamp posts, struggling, mysteriously unable to turn to liquid form and escape them. Raven lay a few feet away on the floor. It took Robin a moment to be able to sort out the situation.

"Cyborg, call the authorities and let them know we've got Plasmus immobilized here," Robin said. Cyborg flashed him a thumbs-up and stepped away from the others to get silence for his call, activating the phone built into his arm.

Robin gave no orders to Starfire and Beast Boy, so they did nothing. Robin turned his attention to Raven, and Starfire followed him over to the girl. Beast Boy refused to move for a moment, standing still, trying to keep all emotion out of himself. He lost the internal battle and followed the other two.

Raven lay completely motionless. Her black cloak was spread out behind her and her violet hair lay fanned out across the floor. There was no trace of pain on her face, only exhaustion. She lay there, still and completely helpless, and Beast Boy felt a twinge of something familiar stab at his heart. Something nearly shattered inside at seeing her lying there like that. Something hurt deeply about the scene. He felt a sudden, powerful urge to do something to help her, but there was nothing he could do. So he just stood still and incompetent, watching Raven's unmoving face.

"Is she…alright?" Starfire asked, breaking the uneasy pause that had worked itself over the three.

"I don't know," Robin said, bending down beside the fallen Azarathian. He reached for her arm and placed two fingers on her wrist, pausing for a moment. "Yes, she's OK, I think. She's alive, at least."

"Is she just unconscious, or is she in one of those weird trance things again?" Beast Boy asked, recalling painful memories of her lying in the Med Bay after he had 'attacked' her in Beast form. He felt a strange twinge of guilt that he couldn't explain.

"I'm not sure," Robin said, climbing back to his feet, still looking down at her. The three of them stood still for a moment, still too shocked to make much of an effort to do anything constructive. They stood there as worthless as wings on an elephant for a few seconds, unable to think of any solution to the situation they stood planted in.

"What was up with all that crazy shit she did with her powers?" Cyborg asked, coming up behind them as he was shutting off his arm-phone.

"No idea," Robin muttered blankly. "That was new, definitely."

"Do you think she needs medical attention, or what?" Cyborg questioned, regarding the unconscious girl carefully.

Robin paused to think this over. "It couldn't hurt," he said.

"Alright, then," Cyborg said, sliding his arms under Raven and scooping her carefully up off of the ground. "Let's get back to the Tower."

**XXX**

'_Why would she do this for us?'_ Beast Boy thought, perplexed. He ran a hand through his disheveled hair, pressing his forehead harder and harder against the cool wall, almost as though he were trying to sink into its solid depths. _'I thought she didn't give a damn about any of us.' _

"Got a lot on your mind?" Robin asked. Beast Boy lifted his head and looked up to see Robin standing in the open doorway of the Med. Bay.

"Yeah, I guess so," he said softly, rubbing his knuckles into his eye sockets. "How's Rae?"

"She's stable," Robin answered with a slight nod. "She's in some sort of healing trance. I'm guessing doing that kind of work with her powers put a lot of strain on her body and mind."

Beast Boy was quiet for a moment. "Dude…I don't know what to think," he said. "She…saved our lives. Really. But I thought she didn't care about any of us. She definitely doesn't give a pony's tits about me."

"Beast Boy, are you seriously trying to tell me that you really believe she doesn't love you?" Robin asked, raising an eyebrow.

"What am I supposed to think? She ran off and left me. Twice," Beast Boy said, slightly agitated.

"You _told her _to go the second time," Robin protested, looking a bit bewildered.

"Oh, so now you're siding with her?" Beast Boy snapped, whirling around to glare the Boy Wonder in the face.

Robin took several steps backward, holding his gloved hands up in defense. "No, I'm not. But I _would _like to know exactly what the fuck your problem is. I know Raven hurt you, I know you're still resentful toward her, but you don't need to take it out on us. We can have our own opinions about the situation without needing to be blown up at for it. I've dealt with your outbursts up until now. I know it hurts, but it's time to grow up. I'm sorry to be harsh, but none of us like being emotional punching bags."

Beast Boy was looking at the floor. "Sorry, Robin," he said quietly. "I didn't think. I didn't mean to take it out on you guys. You didn't do anything. I'm really sorry I keep getting so mad."

"That's fine," Robin assured him with a light pat on the shoulder, dismissing the frustration at Beast Boy he had felt a moment ago in seconds. Robin always was amazing that way, how forgiving he could be no matter what had happened. "You can't decide your emotions. It's fine for you to be as angry as you want. Just don't take it out on us."

Beast Boy nodded. "So, what are we going to do about her…condition?" he asked.

Robin gave a light shrug. The door to the Med. Bay opened behind them. The silent forms of Starfire and Cyborg appeared in the doorway, stepping out to stand beside the other two. "There's really nothing we can do. Not until she's awake and we can do a full evaluation. Right now there's nothing to do but wait for her to wake up."

"How about I whip up some dinner?" Cyborg suggested. "Good food might calm everybody down about this. Maybe we can forget about all the shit we're going to have to sort out when she wakes up until the time comes to deal with it."

"Good idea, Cy," Robin said with a nod. "What are you planning on making?"

"I was thinking of spaghetti," Cyborg answered.

"With your famous three-meat sauce?" Robin asked with a grin. Cy nodded. "I'll help. Star and I can take care of boiling the noodles."

Starfire nodded. "Yes, that sounds most glorious," she agreed.

"Sounds like a plan," Cyborg said, turning with the others to head toward the kitchen. "You coming, B?"

Beast Boy thought for a moment, and nodded. "Yeah, I'll catch up in a minute, OK?" he asked.

"OK," Cyborg said with a nod. Beast Boy watched his friends disappear around the corner, and then stood motionless for a moment. He stood there stubbornly for a few minutes, trying to prove to himself that he wasn't too anxious to see her, and then he slowly walked into the Med. Bay, letting the door slide shut behind him.

Raven was on a cot a few yards inside the room. Beast Boy walked over to it slowly, keeping his gaze trained on the floor until he came up beside the cot, and then finally allowing his eyes to fall upon her face.

Raven looked more peaceful now. The look of exhaustion was gone and replaced by a blank one. The smooth, flawless white skin of her face and her soft violet hair drew his gaze to her and kept it locked there. She was so helpless, lying there with no control over her outward state. Beast Boy moved forward and rested his elbows on the cot.

"What am I going to do?" he asked the unconscious Azarathian softly. He wasn't surprised at the silence which she gave in reply, and he doubted she would have been any more helpful if she were awake.

"_Please don't think that! You were good enough! You were always good enough! You made me so happy, Beast Boy! It was never your fault I left, not for even a second! I loved you! I love you now! I've always loved you, from the first time we fought you and brought you back to the Tower, from the first word you ever said to me! It took me so long to realize it, but I've always loved you! I never loved Malchior! You were always the one I wanted, the one I loved! Never anyone else! I never loved you on accident! I wanted to love you! I never wanted anything else! You were the only thing I ever needed! I'm sorry I was so terrible at showing it! I'm so sorry I made you think anything different!"_

Beast Boy lifted a hand slowly and rested it on her forehead, stroking the pale skin softly. She was so pleasantly warm beneath his hand. "Do you really love me, Raven?" he asked the motionless face softly. He stared at her for a moment, trying to deny the emotions that boiled up from deep within. He leaned down without realizing what he was doing, his lips gracing her soft cheek lightly. He kissed her several times, lips brushing her skin at short intervals, and then lingering on her lips for a moment. And then he lifted his head quickly, slapping a hand onto his forehead. "What the hell am I doing?" he asked incredulously. "Of course you don't. How stupid am I?" he drew back away from her, staring down into the painfully beautiful face sadly. "You never did, no matter what you say."

Beast Boy backed away until his back was against the door, and then he walked through it as it opened, hurrying down the hallway toward the living room, trying to leave the emotions that tore at his chest behind him, but they could not be escaped.

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**More soon. Wow, it's good to be writing again. **


	44. Something Missing

**Disclaimer: you know**

**Chapter forty-four! Sorry this is a bit of a short chapter. It's just the way it came out. I'll try to make 45 longer. **

**Note to They-Call-Me-Orange: **I wouldn't mind at all if you mentioned me in your profile! On the contrary, I would be very flattered. Thanks for the compliments, I feel fuzzy inside:hugs:

**Hugs for all of you!**

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Sounds slowly filtered through the all-consuming silence of her mind. A soft, mechanical beeping of a heart monitor at first. And then the softer, more subtle sounds. For a moment, she was all-hearing, picking up the impossible sounds of the material of her leotard stretching on her chest as she breathed, the faint, distant sounds of voices, the soft, normally inaudible creak of the cot beneath her as it lowered fractions to allow her back moving with every breath. And then a higher level of consciousness came, and she was aware of fluorescent light on her face, the feeling of the cot beneath her and the cool, indoor air on her skin. And then she was awake.

Raven shot straight up, hand flying to her forehead as she looked around. She was in a familiar place. The Med. Bay of Titans Tower.

'_They…took me in? But…why?' _she thought, rubbing her sore head as the ache in her brain slowly subsided. It took her only a few seconds to recognize that she was completely unharmed. She slowly, delicately removed the wires attached to her skin and placed them on the cot as she slid to the floor. She stood there, unsure of what to do for a moment.

In any normal situation, the natural thing to do would be to find the Titans and tell them she was OK. But this was most certainly not a normal situation. She wasn't sure what action to take. She was sure it would be helpful if they knew she was awake so they could probably bunt her out and get on with their lives. But she had a strong gut feeling that none of then would be exactly happy to see her. Memories of the last time she had spoken to Beast Boy flooded her mind and a stab of anguish squeezed at her heart. Her guilt was unfathomable. She wanted nothing more at the moment than to run to him and tell him how sorry she was, but she had a feeling he wouldn't give her chance just yet.

**XXX**

"I wonder when Star's going to get back with that garlic salt," Robin said, steering the conversation in a comfortable direction.

"You can't just keep avoiding the issue," Cyborg said, stirring viciously at the meat-and-sauce mixture in the pot on the stove before him.

"I'm not trying to 'avoid the issue'," Robin protested, lifting out a forkful of noodles from the pot beside Cyborg's and checking their texture.

"Then why is it that every time I bring Rae up, you change the subject?" Cyborg asked with a knowing glance at the leader.

"I don't know," Robin muttered with a sigh, knowing he was trapped. "I guess it's just a little hard, you know?"

"Because you feel obligated to forgive her since she saved our lives and all, but you still want to be a little mad at her for how much she hurt BB?" Cyborg asked. Robin nodded reluctantly.

"Exactly. I don't know what to do about this. I mean…well… she's our friend, and I know it. I know she cares about us, and I know she didn't mean to hurt anyone by leaving. And she actually _risked her life _to save ours. That sounds like Raven to me. But there's just something there that just… it just hurts to see Beast Boy like this, and it's hard to forgive her knowing it was her who made him this way."

"Robin, he _will _feel better eventually. I know it seems bad now, but he'll get over it. Someday they might even be friends again, or maybe even more. People forgive each other. It's how life goes. If you stay bitter forever, life's no fun. Believe me, I know. I'm not saying you have to forgive her right away, that's your choice. But I am going to remind you that this is Raven we're talking about. This is the girl who's had our backs since I can remember on this team. This is the girl who would do anything for her friends. And I'm guessing she feels just as horrible about this whole situation as BB does. I'm not telling you to grovel at her feet, I'm not telling you to forget everything that happened. But I _am_ asking you to give her another chance. I miss her, you miss her, Star misses her, and even BB misses her. Please Robin, for all our sakes, don't let her walk away again," Cyborg said, watching the Boy Wonder carefully as he spoke.

Robin sighed. "You're right, Cy. And as hard as I try, I can't convince myself that I'm even angry at her anymore. I guess it's time to let this resentment go." he took several deep breaths as though relieving himself of tension. "I'll go talk to her about this if she's awake yet… before she runs away again." and with that he turned and walked in the direction of the Med. Bay.

**XXX**

"This is pointless," Raven muttered to herself with a sigh. "They are never going to forgive me after what I did to them." she turned and prepared to ghost up through the roof.

"Going somewhere, Raven?" a familiar voice asked from behind her. She turned around and saw Robin standing in the doorway of the Med. Bay with a slight smile on his face. He started forward, stopping when he was about a foot from her. Raven lowered her eyes to the floor. "Whoa, easy Raven. I'm not going to yell at you or anything," he assured her.

"Are you sure?" she asked, slowly raising her eyes to meet his face.

"Positive," Robin said with a nod. "I just wanted to say that…well…I was really angry at you for a while for hurting Beast Boy, but I've decided I can't stay angry at my best friend," he said with a wink. "So, you were leaving?"

"Just about to, yes," Raven said, avoiding his eyes.

"You might want to stick around," Robin advised her mysteriously.

"And why is that?" she raised an eyebrow at him in confusion.

"I have a proposal to make," Robin said. "You see, I'm the leader of a team of superheroes. The Teen Titans. Maybe you've heard of us. We happen to be looking for a new member. Interested?" he asked with a grin, pulling out Raven's communicator and holding it out to her.

"Robin…" Raven muttered. She shook her head. "I can't."

"And why is that?" Robin asked her.

"Because of what happened before. It could happen again. I could kill someone," Raven said sadly, starting to shake a bit.

"Then we'll get you help. Special training. We'll get your powers under control and keep them that way," Robin said.

"No….It's alright. To be honest with you, Robin, because I know you deserve the truth for once…I don't think it will happen again. I'm just…"

"Afraid of facing your emotions?" Robin asked with a slight grin.

Rave gave a deep sigh. "Yes," she fairly whispered, giving a slight shiver before looking at him straight.

"Well, we'll get you special training anyway, just as a precaution. So there's no chance of you having to worry about this again. So what do you say?" Robin asked her, his tone letting her know that there was no escape, that she had to answer him without beating around the bush.

"Robin…I don't-"

"You don't have to do this. You don't have to keep running away." Raven was avoiding his eyes again. "Raven, I know you want another chance to patch things up with Beast Boy. To finally get it through his head how much you love him." he paused. "I'm trying to give you that chance."

Raven finally looked at him.

"Come on, Raven. We all miss you. We need you on this team, even though some of us are reluctant to admit it. We need your skills in battle, and we need your friendship. You're a valuable part of this team to all of us. We want you back. We _need_ you back," Robin told her, staring her down. "So what do you say now?"

Slowly, shakily, Raven reached out a hand and took her communicator, clutching the small plastic disk in her fist. Her eyes trembled, and then her face grew firm and decided, filled with a determination Robin had often seen in the mirror. "I say yes."

"I'm glad. Later, there's things that went on that you know we're going to have to discuss." Robin smiled. "But right now, it's just good to have you back." he placed a friendly hand on her shoulder. "Welcome to the team."

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**More soon. Do you hate me a little less now? (: And don't worry, that was friendship, not romance!**


	45. Heliotrope

**Disclaimer: No!**

**Chapter forty-five! Yay! Beast Boy is being a klorbag, isn't he? Please don't lose hope, no matter what happens!**

**For a nice song to go well with this story, listen to Three Days Grace's 'Wake Up'. **

**I love you all so much for reviewing! **

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"So, what's the deal?" Cyborg asked, looking up from the sauce he was still diligently working on as Robin and Raven entered the kitchen.

"Looks like we got ourselves a new team member," Robin said with a wink at the half-robot, moving slightly to expose Raven, who had been attempting to hide behind him. Cyborg whooped and came around the counter to clap Raven on the back. She seemed a bit taken aback, and shrank away from the other two.

"Welcome back, Rae!" Cyborg said happily. Raven looked nervously up at both of them with a questioning gaze.

"You're…not angry with me?" she asked in a small, timid voice, the large heliotrope eyes quivering slightly in pure disbelief.

"Naw," Cyborg said with a slight shrug. "You do what you have to do, right? No sense in being mad about the past. It's not something we can change. Besides, I know what it's like to run off on the team for all the wrong reasons. I've been there too, Rae. And you guys took me back. So why should this be any different?"

"It is different. You have the right to be angry," Raven said, turning her gaze out the window. "After all the trouble I caused, all the _pain _I caused-"

"Friends don't hold grudges against friends," Cyborg said with a wink and a grin.

Raven allowed herself a light smile. "I…thank you. Thank you both for…understanding," she told them softly, feeling as though she were unable to express her gratitude through mere words. Perhaps a parade would be more sufficient. She paused, darkness passing over her face once more. "Is Beast Boy…OK?"

Robin nodded. "I think so," he answered. "He's in his room." Raven's eyes widened slightly, and Cyborg placed his hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry about it, Rae. None of us have any concerns about him trying to kill himself again. I think he's past that," he assured her.

"I can't help it," she whispered. "What if he-"

"That's the price you pay to love someone, isn't it? Worrying about them every waking moment," Cyborg said with a small smile, moving back over to his pot of sauce for another stirring session.

Raven nodded, though she knew he couldn't see. "It is," she said quietly.

There was the soft sound of the sliding door closing behind them. Robin and Raven turned at the same moment to look at whoever had come into the room. It was Starfire, drifting several feet off of the floor, carrying a small bag of a container of garlic salt. She spoke not a word as she entered, only flew straight past the two and set the bag down on the counter. Finally, after seeming to take her time with the task, she turned. Her eyes fell on Raven, and Raven was completely unprepared for the look in them.

Raven had never imagined that Starfire experienced resentment. But there it was, plain as day in those pale lime eyes. Cold bitterness stared straight into Raven's gaze of pure penitence, breaking her newfound bravery for a moment. Raven flinched and stared at the ground. Normally she would rise to the challenge, a steely gaze shooting straight back, but now she only backed down. Raven was far too guilty, far too sorry, to do anything that might offend Starfire even further. She just stared at the soft navy tops of her shoes as though she found them desperately interesting.

"Hello, Raven," came Starfire's voice. It sounded downright wrong, that normally cheerful, caring voice so rancorous. It set Raven so far off balance that she could have forgotten who this girl was and remembering wouldn't have made any difference.

"Hello, Starfire," Raven said in as much of a friendly, cheerful voice as she could through her curtain of misery, attempting to show Starfire that she was happy to see her. She raised her violet eyes slowly and fixed them on the Tamaranian's face, giving the best, most sincere smile she could at the moment. "It's nice to see you."

"And I wish I could say the same to you," Starfire said, looking away from Raven. Raven looked back at the floor, the smile dissolving on her face. She could feel her throat tighten and she suppressed the urge to cry at Starfire's coldness. This was all Raven's fault. Painful guilty tears threatened release, and she choked them back down as best she could.

"Starfire I'm…I'm so sorry," the Azarathian repented softly, willing herself to look up into her friend's eyes. "I know what I did hurt you. It hurt all of you. But…I never meant to hurt anyone."

Starfire did not respond. Her icy demeanor had shattered a bit, and she was starting to tremble.

"You knew it was going to hurt us when you did it," she protested coldly. "How can you say you did not mean to hurt us?"

Raven gave a soft, almost inaudible whimper. "Yes I…knew it was going to hurt you all. But I didn't _want _any of you to get hurt. I didn't leave to hurt you. I left because I was afraid. I was being a coward. I was afraid of the fact that someone could get hurt because of my devotion to Beast Boy. I didn't want to deal with the feelings it brought. I didn't think. I didn't care. I was being horrible and selfish. I told myself I was leaving to protect you four, but it was a lie. Yes, I wanted to keep you safe, but there are other ways. I didn't need to leave. I was just too weak to stand and face the things I was feeling. And for that, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I was so inconsiderate that I would put anything before my friends. I'm just sorry for everything I've caused and all the pain that I brought. I never meant for that to happen. I never wanted to hurt any of you. I'm not expecting your total forgiveness. I just want you to know that I'm sorry."

Starfire was shaking now, and Raven slowly looked up at her, tears threatening to fall as she placed herself in such a vulnerable position willingly. She was begging internally for some sort of sign that her mistakes had not ruined yet another friendship.

There was a long, pregnant silence, in which Starfire seemed to fight an internal battle between two choices, and then she walked forward and wrapped her arms around Raven in a tight, Starfire-style hug.

"How can I stay angry at you?" she asked. At this, Raven was flooded with relief, and completely broke down, bursting into tears that she could not stop. "It is OK," Starfire said softly, stroking her friend's hair.

Starfire herself was surprised at how quickly she had let go of her anger. She had just not been able to keep up her resentment in the face of such a sincere apology. She had never known Raven to just be straight out and admit when she had completely and totally fucked things up. This was a side she had not seen before, and it made her see that perhaps Raven knew just how very wrong her actions had been, and perhaps she did indeed deserve another chance.

Raven stepped back, going through a short struggle and finally controlling her tears, wiping her cheeks dry with the back of her hand. She was more than a little embarrassed that she had cried in front of all three of them, but she was so thankful to be forgiven that such things mattered little at the moment.

"Th-thank you," she said quietly. "I'm so happy that you don't hate me."

"I could never hate you, Friend Raven!" Starfire exclaimed. Raven smiled slightly, glad to see that at least _someone _seemed back to normal.

"You guys are just…amazing," Raven said in wonder, eyes traveling over the three superheroes who stood before her. "After everything I've done…all the hurt I've caused you…and you just forgive me, just like that. How can you-"

"Like I said, friends forgive each other," Cyborg said. Robin and Starfire nodded in agreement.

"Thanks," Raven said. "You three understand, but…I don't think Beast Boy is ever going to forgive me."

"It'll happen in time. Don't worry. It might not be as hard as you think. Love doesn't go away that easily," Robin reassured her with a grin.

"Yeah. And until then, you've still got us. It's good to have you back, Rae," Cyborg said.

Raven smiled faintly. "And it's good to be back," she said.

And somewhere, deep inside her mind, a faint heartbeat started to sound in the darkness. Softly at first, but then louder and stronger. A slow rebirth of a dead Emotion began to take place as Hope began to breathe once more. Soft, faint breaths, but breaths of life all the same.

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**More soon. **


	46. My Own Personal Hell

**Disclaimer: I own my socks!**

**Chapter forty-six! **

**Just out of curiosity, why are you guys all ganging up against BB? He's dealing with a broken heart here! He's not dealing with it well, but hey, what can you expect? But yeah, I must admit he's being a bit unreasonable. **

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'_She's…in…the…Tower…'_ Beast Boy thought. He was pacing wildly across the length of his bedroom, hands clasped so tightly behind his back that his knuckles made soft cracks with every sharp turn he made as he reached the wall and went in the opposite direction. The repetitive nature of his pacing struck him oddly as the same as his situation with Raven. It went back and forth, back and forth. It spanned a small vicinity, reaching until the barrier that held him back from anything better and forced him to turn back where he had already been yet again, only to reach another barrier and repeat the task endlessly. Whenever it seemed like he was finally getting somewhere, there was that barricade that held him back from moving on, and he had to regress to the same thing he had already done, because nothing else existed beyond that obstruction that he could see.

"Why can't I just move on?" he asked himself aloud, squeezing his own hands even tighter in his steely grip of frustration and confusion. "Why is it so hard?"

'_Because you love her_,' the helpful little voice at the back of his mind reminded him. _'And you always will.'_

"But I don't want to!" he told the voice. "I just want to live again!"

"_No, you don't want to live again. Not if it means living without her,' _the voice stated matter-of-factly.

"Oh, so now you suddenly know everything about me, is that it?" Beast Boy snapped.

'_Temper, temper. Look at yourself. You're blowing up at me, and I'm YOU. So of course I know everything about you. Technically, I shouldn't even be needing to tell you any of this. I am you. My knowledge is your knowledge. The things I tell you are things you know but have refused to accept,' _the voice said gleefully. _'Wow, here you are, having two-sided conversations with yourself. Have you ever thought of getting a mental evaluation?' _

"Shut up!"

'_Why are you telling me to shut up when I'm you?' _the voice asked him, slightly confused.

"Agh!" Beast Boy groaned, stopping in his pacing and clapping his hands over his head. "Just go away, OK?"

'_Whatever you say,' _the voice said, disappearing without a sound.

When he was left in blissful silence once more, Beast Boy breathed a sigh of relief before the tension returned just as heavy as it had been a moment before. He sat there in silence for a few minutes. It pressed in upon his ears. It burrowed into his mind like an insect. It tortured him and soothed him all at once. This always happened. Whenever he was alone, he was driven mad by this silence that he craved so much when he was in the company of others.

He climbed to his feet. What he needed at the moment was a walk to clear his head. Maybe something to eat. And then he would feel better. He wouldn't have this strange, sick feeling in his chest, he hoped. He headed for the door and ventured out into the hallway.

**XXX**

"So, exactly where have you been all this time?" Cyborg asked, stretching his arms. Cyborg, Raven, Robin, and Starfire had been in a conversation for the last fifteen minutes, trying to catch Raven up on everything she had missed.

Raven shifted slightly on the sofa. "Azarath," she muttered softly.

"And where exactly is that?" Cyborg asked. "Have I been there?"

"No. It's in another dimension," Raven explained. "It's…where I was born."

"And what were you doing there?" Robin questioned.

"Training," Raven told him. "I got some help from an old friend of my mother's, Daemon Dreiling. You wouldn't know him. He helped me get better control… and helped me master my powers a little better."

"And taught you a lot of new shit by the looks of that whole thing with Plasmus," Cyborg said with an eyebrow raise. "I've never seen anything like that before."

"That's something I never knew I could do before. With better control comes the potential for more ability," Raven explained.

"Then just imagine some of the things you'll be able to do after the additional training we're getting you," Robin said.

"Yes, Friend Raven. I am wondering what you will be capable of then," Starfire said.

Raven smiled slightly. "Who knows?" she said. She marveled silently once more over the fact that the three of them could forgive her so quickly, so absolutely, and try to pretend like she had never been on their bad sides. She was starting to think that maybe, just maybe, if these three could forgive her so easily, she might have a bit of a chance with working things out with Beast Boy. She hoped with every fiber of her being that he would somehow give her a chance to show him how sorry she was. She wasn't exactly sure she could stay sane much longer seeing him in so much pain. Her own pain at seeing him hurt throbbed harshly just beneath the surface as she carried herself with as much a sense of normality as she could.

A motion to her left alerted her, and she turned her head. Her blood ran cold at the image of Beast Boy walking into the room. Something inside her sensed that seeing her was pretty much the worst thing that could happen to him at the moment.

Beast Boy froze in his tracks. He stood there as though he had lost all control over his legs for a moment, eyes fixed unblinkingly on Raven's face. The look in them made Raven want to burst into tears again. _'How could you?' _those eyes asked her without words.

"What's she still doing here?" he asked. His voice didn't sound as malicious as Raven had expected. Only hollow and resentful.

Robin braced himself. As bad as the results were going to be, he knew that he would have to break the news sooner or later. "Beast Boy, after some serious thought we've decided some things and…well…she's back on the team," he said.

Beast Boy didn't move for a moment. Robin sincerely wondered if maybe the shock had killed him and he was staring at a dead man standing. And then Beast Boy walked over so he was about a foot away from the back of the couch and stopped again.

"Why?" Beast Boy asked. "So she can lure us into a false sense of security and then turn around and ditch us again?" his voice dripped with bitterness. Raven winced slightly. But she didn't dare say anything. She knew that trying to apologize at the moment would only make matters worse. It would basically be suicide.

"Beast Boy, don't you think you're being a little harsh?" Robin asked.

"_Harsh?_" Beast Boy asked, bristling. "You think I'm being _harsh_?" he balled his fists, struggling not to lose control and become angry. "You say _I'm _being harsh when you're the one who let her back on the goddamned team without even talking to me about it first? I'm sorry I can't be happy fucking sunshine about it, but I'm not exactly glad to see her at the moment!"

"And I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about it first. But I knew how you were going to react. I knew you wouldn't want her on the team," Robin said.

"What are you saying?" Beast Boy asked him.

"I'm saying you tend to be a little unreasonable and explode over things when they involve Raven," Robin explained.

"Unreasonable? I have a right to be hurt about her doing this to me!" Beast Boy said, throwing his hands up in the air.

"Yes, she hurt you, but do you ever think it might be time to move on? She saved your life, Beast Boy!" Robin said. "How can you hold a grudge against her now?"

"How the fuck can you say that I should forgive her?" Beast Boy snapped, losing it completely. He looked at Raven, who was sitting motionless on the sofa cushion, staring at him like a deer in headlights. "You really want me to forgive you, Raven? You really think you deserve it? You do _one _thing and you expect it to just erase everything? It doesn't always work that way! It's not going to make it all go away! If you really loved me, you wouldn't be expecting me to forgive you!"

"Beast Boy, I never said I expected forgiveness from you," Raven said shakily, slowly looking into his deep green eyes. "How can you say you know how I feel just because of something you assume I expect, when you don't even have any idea?" she knew somewhere inside that Beast Boy was being ridiculous, but her guilt wouldn't allow her to admit that at the moment.

"If you don't expect forgiveness, why would you apologize?" Beast Boy countered.

"Maybe because I feel terrible for hurting you…for hurting the one I love," Raven said back timidly.

"No you don't! And you don't love me!" Beast Boy snapped.

"Why do you insist on telling me how I feel?" Raven asked him. She was more calm and collected than she had been in her last conversation. Last time she had been the hysterical one.

"Because you won't admit it yourself," Beast Boy said, trying desperately to make himself shut up or start talking sense but to no avail. "Why didn't you just leave me to bleed to death when you found me on the bathroom floor? If I had known this was going to happen I would have rather just died! I never wanted this to happen! And I just want to forget you! Why did you have to come back?"

"Because I'm sorry! I just want to show you how much I love you! But you won't give me a chance!" Raven said, standing up and walking over to him. "Why won't you just stop trying to hate me for long enough to listen to one single thing I say?"

"God damn it, Raven! You don't love me and you never did! Words aren't good enough! Words will never be good enough!" Beast Boy shot at her.

"No, I don't think that's true, Beast Boy," Raven said softly, tears slowly leaking from the corners of her eyes. "I think it's _me _that's never going to be good enough, no matter my words _or _my actions. Nothing I do is ever going to be good enough for you." and with that she walked out through the door and down the hallway in the direction of the refuge of her bedroom.

Beast Boy stood there for a moment, shocked and shaken. And then he slowly turned and walked in the direction of his own bedroom.

When he reached his room and walked inside, he stood against the wall beside the door and let the pain flood over him. He clenched his head in his hands, shaking it slightly.

"Why do I love you so much, Raven?" he asked aloud, rubbing his forehead roughly. "And why can't I stop?" he slid down the wall and sat roughly down on the carpet. He pulled his knees up against his chest and hugged them tightly, resting his cheek against one. He was surprised when a tear wove a warm path down his cheek and dropped onto his hand. "Why am I crying?" he asked himself. And then he realized why. He was crying because although he was so angry at Raven, and he took out all of his resentment on her, it wasn't her fault anymore. In the beginning, this had been about her being the one in the wrong and he trying to deal with it. And now it was about him being in the wrong while she tried so desperately to make him see how badly she wanted him to give her another chance.

And he just kept pushing her away.

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**More soon. **


	47. For You

**Disclaimer: No, I still don't own anything. **

**Chapter forty-seven! Here everybody:hands all readers plates of spaghetti smothered with Cy's patented three-meat sauce: Eat up! Thanks for being so awesome!**

**Note to Aeyame: Thanks for the suggestion! I'm always up for ideas. **

**I recommend you read Stardog3434's fic 'Locked Up'. If you haven't read it, you don't know what you're missing. Review it! It only has 3 reviews and my quest is to get it more! **

**Sorry for the lack of updates! I was camping. **

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The familiar sights and scents of Raven's own bedroom rushed over her as she entered, but she was much too distressed to take much comfort in this. She collapsed onto the billowy comfort of her bed, burying her face deep in the royal blue folds of her pillow and heaving out several huge, almost painful breaths in attempt to calm herself. It was futile. The corners of her eyes burned. She squeezed them shut tighter and tighter until her face ached, and then she gave up her internal battle. She opened her eyes and stared into the darkness of the pillow beneath her face, and allowed the tears to come. Lightly at first, a few tears squeezing their way out, and then the streams became heavy, soaking small puddles into the material that pressed soothingly against her cheeks almost like a mother's hand. Her thin body rocked gently with the sobs which she tried so desperately to keep silent. No one could hear her cry. _'My misery is selfish. I brought this upon myself. I don't deserve to cry,' _she thought, though this did nothing to help quell the tears that still flowed in endless streams down into the fabric

"Raven?" came a gentle voice from the hallway outside her door.

"What?" Raven asked, begging that she would be left alone. She hated people seeing her cry.

"You are OK?" Starfire's voice came again, a bit closer now, as though she had her ear pressed against the door.

"I'm fine," Raven called, lying shamelessly.

"You do not sound fine," Starfire insisted. Raven didn't answer. "Raven…may I come in?"

"Please go away, Starfire," Raven moaned softly, sitting up a bit. The tears still streamed down her cheeks, but she tried to conceal any sounds that might get out indicating the fact that she was crying.

"I am merely wishing to see if you are alright," Starfire said softly. "Is it alright if I enter?"

Raven sighed, lowering her head back onto the pillow to shield her face from Starfire's eyes. "I don't care," she muttered softly.

The door slid open with a slight whooshing noise and Raven sensed Starfire entering the room and coming nearer to her. She felt the bed sag slightly as Starfire sat down on, the extra weight threatening to roll Raven toward the edge. She held herself where she was, trying to stop her tears.

"Raven?" Starfire's voice came gently, trying not to be to invasive.

"What?" Raven rasped softly.

"Are you alright?"

"No," Raven muttered, finally deciding it was easier to just tell the truth rather than cover it up.

"Because of Beast Boy?" Starfire asked. Raven nodded, not sure if Starfire was watching her, but she didn't care. She felt Starfire's hand on her back, rubbing soothingly in small circles, smoothing the wrinkles out of the black cloak.

Raven nodded again, pressing her face harder into the pillow as though she could drown out her misery.

"Would you like to talk about it?" Starfire offered. Raven gave a small shrug.

"If you want to," she said, trying to keep her voice emotionless. But the sound of tears worked its way through, no matter what she tried to keep it away.

"Why are you thinking you are never going to be good enough for him?" Starfire asked. "Beast Boy loves you. If you were not good enough, he would not love you."

"He doesn't _want _to love me. He said so himself. I'm never going to be good enough for him because I'm…I'm just not Terra!" Raven sobbed quietly into the pillow.

Starfire was confused. "Raven…what does Terra have to do with this?"

"The only reason he ever loved me in the first place was because Terra was gone and I was here. I was a replacement for the girl he couldn't have! I'm starting to wonder if maybe I was always just second best to that fucking corpse! I give up! I'm not going to do this anymore! If he wants to keep acting like we hate each other, then fine! I'm just not going to keep trying without any reaction whatsoever except for him blowing up in my face! 'You don't love me!' 'You're not sorry!' I'm not going to be the one to start him off screaming that complete and utter bullshit anymore! If he wants to be dense enough to ignore how much I love him, it's none of my business. I just give up!" Raven felt like a small child bawling out her sadness to a listening mother. She was being so juvenile, and Starfire only listened patiently without interrupting.

Starfire's hand lifted off of Raven's back and began to stroke her violet hair gently, feather-light touches on the trembling head. "Raven, I am understanding your sadness, and I wish much to comfort you." she continued the soothing motion across Raven's hair. "But I must be honest…you are being just as foolish as Beast Boy. He loves you very much. He would never have loved you so completely if you were merely a 'replacement'. I do not believe his love for you has anything to do with Terra. The fact that she had died recently was simply a coincidence." she hoped that Raven wasn't going to get angry. She knew it was risky, but it seemed like Miss Roth was due for a reality check, and Starfire had been the only one here to give it.

"I know," Raven said softly. She sat up, slowly lifting her sob-weakened body up and trying to keep her tears at minimum. "But sometimes it's so hard to believe. So hard to _want _to believe. It just….it hurts so much to know that he wants to stop loving me so badly."

"He wants to keep loving you, Raven. He is merely in need of assistance in telling himself that it is OK to. You must not give up. You are a Titan. You must not simply give up when things become difficult. Beast Boy loves you. He _needs _you." Starfire paused. "And you need him as well."

Raven nodded with a soft whimper, biting her lip to avoid a fresh wave of tears. She slowly raised her obviously wet eyes to meet Starfire's face.

Starfire smiled. "You can do it, Raven. You can earn Beast Boy's forgiveness. I am truly beginning to doubt if there are any limits to the things you can accomplish." she halted briefly in her words. "So, are you still going to give up?"

Raven shook her head quickly, squeezing her eyes shut for a few seconds. "No," she said. "I'm not. I'm going to let him know that I really love him…no matter what it takes."

"That is the spirit!" Starfire said happily. "I know you can do it Raven. Never give up. There will always be hope, as long as you are willing to look for it."

Raven smiled slightly. Her tears had slowly stopped somewhere during the conversation. She slowly wiped her tearstained face dry with her sleeve. "Thank you," she whispered, leaning forward in a burst of impulse and giving Starfire a tight, grateful hug, which she returned. "For being my friend."

**XXX**

"Hey, Raven," the voice cut through into Raven's dream. She cringed and shot up into a sitting position, looking around wildly. She was tangled up in a mess of her blankets, sweating from all the extra covering. Robin was standing a few feet inside the door. Raven raised an eyebrow at him.

"You're in my room," she said brazenly as though it should be news to him.

Robin chuckled slightly. "I figured it would be the only way to wake you up. It's almost noon."

Raven's eyes widened. She kicked her leg furiously to free it from the tangle of rabid blanket and slid out of the giant ball of comfort, sitting down on the edge of the bed and smoothing out the damage a night of sleep had done to her hair. She stood up, walking over to her armoire and opening it, pulling out a fresh navy cloak. As she fastened it around her shoulders, it deepened quickly to an intense, merciless black. Robin raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

"Is there some reason why you're still here?" Raven asked him as she put on her shoes.

"We need to have that talk, remember?" Robin asked. Raven paused, and then nodded, clearly dreading what was to come. She didn't seem quite as disturbingly hopeless as the night before, and he was grateful for that.

"Go ahead, talk away," she said.

"Well…I'm just going to ask you plain and simple. Raven, why didn't you talk to me about what was going on before you left? I mean…I always thought we were pretty close. So why the sudden disappearance? Was it too hard for you to deal with or something?"

Raven nodded. "To be honest…yes. Robin, you're my best friend. I just didn't want to have to see you hurt. I was being selfish. I wanted to run away from my own pain and everyone else's. And also I knew you were going to go all 'super-leader' and find some amazing solution to my problem. You always do…and I love that you can do that. But I didn't want that then. I didn't want to wait for things to get better, I just wanted out right then and there. I just wanted to escape. It hurt. It hurt so much, and no one knew. It was something no one ever saw. But it was never anyone else's fault. It was my own. If I would have let you four see, you would have helped me. But I didn't want help. I wanted release."

Robin's face told her that he understood. "Leaving didn't make it all go away, did it?" he added knowingly.

Raven shook her head. "I didn't really think it would. But I just wanted…I don't even know what I wanted. I was so scared…scared of what had happened, scared of what _could_ happen. Scared of myself. I didn't know what I was doing. I couldn't think straight. I just wanted it all gone. And I figured that if I left, I wouldn't have to be afraid of what could happen. But I was wrong. I was still afraid. Until I went to Azarath for help, I was so afraid every moment. I was afraid to sleep, afraid to let my guard down for a moment."

"I know how it feels…to just want to run away from your problems. To just want them to go away instead of waiting for them to be solved. You tried to avoid hurting us by leaving, but the truth is, you hurt us anyway. And you hurt yourself, didn't you?" Robin asked, his stare profound.

Raven nodded. "My emotions hurt me the whole time I was gone. I guess I really…beat myself up over it." (literally ;) )

"They're still hurting you now, aren't they?" Robin asked. Raven nodded slightly, knowing he didn't know that she'd in fact been talking about a physical kind of hurt. "You don't need to feel guilty. You came back. You apologized. You _saved our lives, _for God's sake. We're not angry anymore. Like Cy said, friends forgive each other. We were friends before, and it's no different now. You should be proud of yourself. You had the courage to come back even though you knew you were going to have to deal with a hell of a lot of unpleasant things when you got here. I think you should forget the bad things and concentrate on the good. You're a damn brave girl, Rae," Robin said, patting the Azarathian on the shoulder.

And then he did something that surprised her. He leaned over and enveloped her in a tight, welcoming hug. "It's good to have you back."

Raven shook her head in astonishment a few times and then returned the gesture clumsily. "I thought you hated physical contact," she reminded him as he pulled back.

Robin shrugged. "Star's been coaching me, I guess you could say," he said. "It's a little hard to keep resisting hugs with her as your girlfriend."

Raven nodded. "Robin, thank you. For forgiving me and for…making me feel so much better."

Robin nodded. "Any time."

"I just hope Beast Boy's going to forgive me," Raven said with a nervous sigh. Robin smiled.

"He loves you, Raven. He'll come around. He's just being a little bit of a stubborn ass at the moment. One of the many things you two have in common," he said, one side of his mask climbing upward with an unmistakable eyebrow raise.

"Are you calling me an ass?" Raven asked in mock offense, peering at him through a lock of hair that was hanging in her face. She pushed it aside like she was flicking an bothersome fly. "Don't make me create another Cinderblock situation…only this time it'll be _you _I'm smashing."

"No, I'm not calling you an ass," Robin said with a grin. I'm saying that you two are both stubborn as hell."

"I'm not going to correct you on that," Raven said. Robin chuckled.

"In the mood of some of Cy's patented three-meat sauce? If we hurry we can get some of those leftovers from last night before Cy and Star eat all of them for breakfast."

Raven nodded. "Sure. You go ahead. I'll be there in a second."

"OK," Robin agreed, standing up and heading for the door. "Hurry. I'll save you some."

Raven nodded as he departed and then she knelt down, reaching under her bed and feeling around until her hand closed on a notepad. She grabbed a pen from her bedside table and scrawled a note on the top piece of paper on the pad, and then tore it off and studied it.

_Beast Boy,_

_I know you aren't going to believe me just yet, but I want you know how completely and honestly I love you. I always have, and I always will. You don't believe me, and so I'll prove my love for you the only way I can: by waiting for you. _

_Love,_

_Raven_

Nodding slightly to herself, she walked out of her room toward the kitchen. As she passed Beast Boy's door, she slipped the note underneath and then went on her way.

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**More soon. Sorry that took so long. **


	48. Hanging By A Moment

**Disclaimer: Noooooo!**

**Chapter forty-eight! Woo! Thanks to The Gnostic for the advice:hugs:**

**I spent a while the other night naming every single one of these chapters, so each chapter seems like an episode of a tv show or something. I figured it would be fun for me to think of it that way, at least. **

**Note to we gots good gramer: Sorry I haven't been reviewing "From Flames to Ashes" lately. I'll do that as soon as I can, OK? (: **

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"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos," Raven's own voice was the only sound she heard for a moment, echoing gently through the once-turbulent depths of her mind.

"Ampetrion, Rigomorte," the whisper was distant from her own and Raven did not allow it to distract her for once. She slid deeper into concentration, feeling even more of the blissful release from reality. She sank deeper into the delight of escaping everything, letting the peace wash over her mind and body. She levitated a foot from the impossibly hovering rock beneath her, a rock that seemed to float in the vacant space. The dark, starry sky supported her from above, and all four sides. Thin wisps of red cloud drifted lazily by and an unthreatening, lulling sound soothed her as deeply as her mantra did. It was a sound that she had memorized long ago and her mind played it repeatedly like a record.

_Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump. _

The gentle sound of Beast Boy's heartbeat was ecstasy to her mind. Her soul fed on it and slowly used the subtle joy it brought to drown Raven's inner turmoil, leaving only serenity. Raven gave a deep, contented sigh. A soft scent met her nose…the scent of the night air in summer. So familiar. So soothing.

His heartbeat became louder…and then suddenly it was real. Beast Boy was there, before her, smiling like he had so long ago. Raven's mouth opened in surprise. His hand gently went to her chin and pushed her mouth closed. His hands crept gently to her shoulders then, his deep green eyes staring into hers. She could not speak. She was so afraid that he would disappear. Beast Boy continued to smile at her, wrapping his arms tenderly around her and pulling her close. Raven's heart could have burst with her joy, but she only sat still, concentrating on the warmth of him holding her close again. She could not move. If she moved, she feared this vision would fall away…and she would be alone again.

"_I love you,"_ his voice was gentle, loving, speaking softly into the material of her leotard that covered her chest. Raven's eyes brimmed slightly with tears.

"_I love you too," _she whispered. Against all odds, rebelling against all her fear, she reached out and returned his embrace. He stayed where he was instead of dissipating. He pulled back slightly, staring deeply into her eyes once more, hand rubbing small, gentle circles across her back. He moved forward slightly, face nearing hers. When their noses were touching, he stopped, smiling into her eyes with his.

"_I'll always love you," _he whispered, pressing his warm lips onto her own.

'_I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you,' _Raven screamed in her mind, tears streaming down her cheeks at the desperate, gentle kiss she had missed for all that time. It was so wonderful. It had to be real, it just had to be. '_Please God don't let this be fake. Please…don't take him away from me again. Please. Don't let it be another vision. I'll do anything…'_

"Raven…" came a soft voice, echoing through the chambers of her mind. Raven squeezed her eyes shut, willing it to go away.

'…_please…' _

"Raven?" the voice came again, this time a bit louder. Not a voice from the outside world, but a voice intruding in upon her mind. "It's time to come out now, honey. Time's up. Session's over."

'…_.no…'_

"I know you can hear me, Rae. Don't make me come in there," the voice came again with just the faintest hint of a giggle.

'_It's not fake. It's not fake. Please…go away…let him stay with me!'_

"Raven, I know you can hear me. You need to come out now. We've been meditating for hours. It's time to come back to reality. You can't stay in a fantasy forever."

Tears poured down Raven's cheeks. She felt a presence on her shoulder, a comforting hand, but it was different than Beast Boy's touch. Less floating, more solid. And then Beast Boy slowly melted away in her arms, leaving nothing but thin air.

"…_no…" _she whispered.

"Come on, Rae," the gentle voice coaxed her. "It's OK. It's just time to come out now. Back to the real world. Here, on the count of three, I want you back here with me, OK? One…two…three."

Raven ignored the voice for a moment, staring around at the empty void around her. '_He was never really here…'_

Raven sighed. She lowered herself to sit on the rock and began to chant once more. She visualized a white light coming out of the ground. It shot into the top of her head and down, down, down her spine, finally piercing into the rock beneath her. She put special effort into concentrating on the surface below her, real, concrete, not fantasy. And then suddenly the rock was the floor of the training room in Titans Tower, the empty black sky was the walls, and instead of being alone, Dextra stared at her from her place a few feet in front of her. Raven looked into Dextra's crimson eyes for a any hidden thoughts on her meditation, waiting for her evaluation to be given out loud.

"Raven…wow," Dextra said, shaking her head. "I've never seen you in that deep. That was amazing. Wonderful. You had some amazing concentration going on there. Talk about crazy spiritual energy flying off of you. I'm really impressed."

Raven gave a slight smile, trying to forget the mental tears as she looked gratefully upon her trainer. "Thanks," she said. "So…it was better?"

"About 50 times better!" Dextra exclaimed, patting her young student on the shoulder. "Did you concentrate on imagining scents and sounds like I told you?"

Raven nodded. Dextra beamed with pride.

"You're really improving, Rave. It won't be long before we can start doing more hands-on training with your powers! I've never had a student who moved this fast! You've really got something special there! Three months is the fastest I've ever seen anyone get to this level of focus!" the twenty-something demon was clearly excited, standing up and waving her hands in wild, spastic gestures as she spoke like a thrilled teenager. "I'm damn proud of you, Raven."

Raven smiled, unable to deny a small glimmer of pride at her accomplishments. "Thanks," she said again.

"Don't be so modest. You're amazing, Roth! This calls for a celebration. I do believe you've earned yourself some herbal tea," Dextra said.

Raven smiled. "I guess so. You want some, Dex?"

"No, thanks. I need to head home. It's Dan's birthday, you know. Mom and Dad get all mental on me if I'm late for cake." she pushed back several strands of the milk-white hair that hung into her face with slight annoyance.

Raven chuckled softly. "OK," she said standing up. "Tell him happy birthday for me."

"I will," Dextra looked to the illuminated wall clock that hung off to the left. "Shit! I'm already late! Well, keep working on that meditation. I'll see you tomorrow at three!" and with that she phased into a red dragon of psychic energy and ghosted quickly through the roof, leaving Raven alone in the sunny room. She stood there silently for a moment and then exited the room, walking slowly down the hall.

Back in the room, a small green fly on the wall buzzed to the floor as Raven departed and morphed into Beast Boy. He watched the Azarathian's retreating back sadly. He had been watching her training sessions for a month or so now, just wanting to get a glimpse at her without having to deal with the fighting that he feared so much. Every day he would come here and stare at her for hours, and every day, it made him miss her more and more.

"Just look at her. She keeps trying, and you gave up long ago," he muttered to himself, running a hand over his spiked emerald hair. He stood there for five minutes or so, allowing her to unknowingly put distance between herself and him. He sighed, deciding she was probably far enough now and heading for the door.

The journey down the hall was a pensive one. The changeling hummed softly to himself in attempt to calm his raging confusion. It had been over three months since Raven's return, and he was still stuck in the same rut that had trapped him back then.

"I need tofu," he said aloud to himself, turning around and steering himself in the direction of the kitchen.

The warmth and fragrance of the brightly lit kitchen was welcome to Beast Boy. He walked in the direction of the refrigerator before suddenly being struck with a strong feeling of being watched. He froze and turned his head toward the stove. Raven was standing there holding a teapot. The two of them just watched each other in silence for a moment. Raven gave a nervous smile.

"…hello," she said quietly. Beast Boy realized that this was the first time she had spoken to him since the night of her return. He stared at her, taking her in. She was still the same. Looked the same, sounded the same, gave off the same feeling to him. Her tapered violet hair had barely crept past her chin in those three months. Her skin was still pale, almost white. Her cloak was back to its normal deep blue, taking away from the threatening feeling even further. He had overheard the explanation of The Black Cloak. Raven had been depressed, guilty, and hopeless. And so her cloak had faded to black from these emotions, the same way as it had become white when she had been happy and optimistic in the days they had been together.

"…hi," he said back softly, pausing for a moment and then giving her a small disarming smile back.

"So…how have you been?" she asked him timidly, a bit afraid to look him in the eye.

"Fine…you?" he asked, aware that they were making conversation.

"Alright," Raven said shyly, eyes boring into her teapot.

"Um…cool," Beast Boy muttered. He stood there silently for a moment, and then darted for the fridge, grabbing one of the tofu wraps that he had made earlier and turning around. "Well…see you later, then!" he said in a hurried voice, walking out of the room.

Raven watched him go wistfully. When he was gone, she slumped against the counter and gave a sigh.

"God, Beast Boy. Do you know how much I need you right now?" she whispered, turning her attention reluctantly back to making her tea.

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**More soon. Woo!**


	49. Raven Song

**Disclaimer: NO!**

**Chapter forty-nine! Yay! Sorry this took so long. I rewrote it obsessively a few times before I got something I liked. **

**I now own all three Invader Zim DVDs. Life is good. **

**Note to Kopi Kat: I'm sorry I insult myself! I'll work on not doing that. Hey, I feel really honored that a BBRae hater would actually like this story despite the pairing! That's awesome! (: Hugs! So, what pairings do you like?**

"_**I can't have anything I want**_

_**They say I'm just too young**_

_**But it's not my fault"**_

_**-Alexz Johnsen **_

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"What am I gonna do what am I gonna do what am I gonna do?" Beast Boy asked aloud, flopping down on his bed and covering is head with his hands. "I don't know if I want to forgive her…and I don't know if I _can_! Arg!" he clutched several handfuls of his emerald hair in his fists and gave a loud, frustrated groan. "Why does this have to be so confusing?"

Beast Boy felt terrible. She was trying so hard…it was obvious. She wasn't willing to give up so easily.

He rolled over onto his stomach and pulled the pillow over his head, plunging him into a quiet, dark cave under the depths of the lump of fabric and cotton. "I need help," he muttered. "Please…somebody…help me. I can't do this alone," he muttered to no one, squeezing his eyes shut and attempting to soothe this mind. A strong, strange ache bubbled up in his chest. Loneliness. He swallowed a few times, but it did not subside. He pulled the pillow from his head and wrapped his arms around it, burying his face in the soft material. But it was too soft. Too small. It was no substitute. It felt nothing like her. Smelled nothing like her. It just wasn't her. No one and nothing else was Raven.

**XXX **

_This time, the land was already alive and flourishing. There was no trace of the dead, bleak landscape of before. The sun was shining and the grass was soft and green beneath his sneakers. _

"_Hey, Beast Boy!" a shout came out of the silence behind him. Whipping around, he found himself staring Terra in the face. She looked irate, one hand on her hip and a slight scowl on her face, blue eyes squinting slightly. And at first he couldn't place why. _

"_Hi," he said, cocking his head slightly and scratching the back of his neck. "What's the matter?"_

_Terra gave a small noise of exasperation. "What do you mean 'what's the matter'? You're just…please forgive me for saying this…you're being a complete and total idiot!" _

_Beast Boy was slightly offended. "Hey!" he said. "How am I being an idiot?"_

"_You're trying to deny the fact that Raven loves you more than anything in the entire world. You know she does, but you don't want to deal with having to forgive her!" Terra shook her head. "I'm so tired of sitting here watching you pretend you don't want her back!"_

_Beast Boy glared at her for a moment. "You don't know what I've been through!" he said. "If you understood how much she hurt me, you'd understand how hard it is to want to forgive someone after that!"_

"_I know what you've been through, Beast Boy. I've been watching. I know it hurts, but holding a grudge just because you're too stubborn to admit you want to forgive her is just going to hurt you more," Terra told him patiently, placing a hand on his shoulder. _

"_I know," Beast Boy muttered, defeated. "I just…it just hurt so much, and I don't ever want to feel like that again…so betrayed. And if I don't forgive her…it can't happen again." _

"_That's pretty lame, BB," Terra said. "Listen, you forgave me, and I did way worse than what Raven did. I completely and totally deceived all of you. She was scared, and you know what it feels like to be scared enough to want to just escape from everything. Her leaving was no more selfish than your suicide attempt. She forgave you for that. Don't you think she deserves another chance after this?"_

_Beast Boy sighed. "How do you do that? You're the only person I know who can make me realize what a jackass I'm being without making it sound completely brutal," he said with a slight grin._

_Terra shrugged, raising her palms to the sky. "I guess it's just a gift."_

"_So…you want me to forgive her then, don't you?" he asked, pretending to be extremely unhappy. _

"_I'm not trying to force you to do anything, but I am going to tell you that she feels just as bad about this as you do. You're not the only one getting hurt here. I think the best thing you two can do is feel lucky that you've still got love for each other after this ordeal and put back together the pieces of what you had as well as you can. I don't mean to be harsh about this, it's just that I figured it was time someone gave you a verbal slap in the face about this. The other Titans don't seem to be drilling it into you, so I figured I'd give them a hand in figuratively knocking some sense into you."_

_Beast Boy shrugged. "I don't know…it's just so hard…I don't know how I can ever completely forgive her."_

"_Put yourself in her place," Terra said in a sagely manner. "I'd love to talk some more, BB, but it's time for you to wake up now."_

Beast Boy opened his eyes slowly and gazed up at the ceiling of his bedroom. He gave a heavy sigh as Terra's words echoed through his mind, pulling himself into a sitting position, rubbing a hand over his sleep-weary eyes.

"Forgive her?" he asked himself aloud softly. This was a new concept for him. He had spend so long trying to get over the pain and the resentment that forgiveness had barely crossed his mind lately. "Can I really forgive her?"

If she was truly sorry, then why shouldn't he forgive her. "is she really sorry she hurt me?" he asked himself, speaking aloud once more.

"_She was scared, and you know what it feels like to be scared enough to want to just escape from everything." _Terra's words suddenly rushed through his mind. He crawled over to the edge of the bed and hopped down onto the floor, kneeling on the carpet and reaching his hand under the bed, feeling around in the dark, dusty space until his hand touched the smooth, cold handle. He drew it out and pulled it nearer to himself.

"_Put yourself in her place."_

He held the small mirror upright, took a deep breath, and leaned over so he was staring at his own reflection in the glass for a moment. And then four crimson eyes appeared on the surface of the glass. Beast Boy braced himself as a huge black hand outlined in glowing red shot miraculously out of the seemingly solid glass and wrapped its long, pointed fingers around him. The grip of the hand was warm, almost gentle this time, and it pulled him forward into the mirror.

Beast Boy was pulled into a familiar passageway, a short, red and black tunnel. He could hear the faint sound of a child sobbing echoing through the cold space. He would have shuddered, but the grip of the warm Black Hand kept him from getting chilly, holding his own heat against him and warming him even more with its warmth. The Hand pulled him forward through the vortex of black and red light, and the further they got to the small opening revealing a circle of sky at the end of the tunnel, the louder the crying became. It was the heart-wrenching sobbing of a terrified little girl, and it continued on as they progressed farther until it was a deafening roar in Beast Boy's ears, and then they reached the end of the tunnel. The Hand let go of him and he fell out into the sky, morphing into a sparrow to avoid plummeting to the ground below this time.

Beast Boy morphed into his original form a few feet above the ground and landed on the cracked, dry earth with a soft thump of tennis shoes. He looked around. The place was much different from the last time he had visited. The usually clear, starry sky was filled with angry, turbulent gray storm clouds, churning madly as though trying to devour each other. Some of the already dead trees had collapsed. The air was no longer filled with that…'Raven-y' feeling. It was now filled with a sense of foreboding and gloom.

Beast Boy gave a shudder. He walked forward through the empty landscape. He had been walking for a few moments when a strange, foul scent reached his nostrils. He wrinkled his nose, shaking off the smell that hit him so powerfully and almost triggered a gagging reflex. It was the smell of rotting, sunbaked flesh. He shook his head several times, blinking back wetness from his eyes watering, and looked around for the source of the smell.

Several feet to his left, Beast Boy saw a sight that make his hair stand on end. Lying in the dirt was Raven…or, someone who looked like Raven…she was wearing a pink cloak. She was perfectly still, and somehow the image of her told Beast Boy that she was obviously dead.

Her leotard and bright pink cloak were caked with dirt from spending time on the ground. Her stomach was sunken in and her ribs protruded disturbingly, an obvious sign of starvation as the cause of death. Her violet hair was stringy and matted, falling out in some places. And her face was spotted brown, white, and purple in places with rot and mold. Her eyes were open, but there was nothing to be seen where they should have been. They had rotted to nothing, leaving behind empty, consuming voids of darkness, in which Beast Boy could see maggots squirming as they greedily devoured the rapidly decaying flesh of the skeletally thin girl. The maggots were everywhere; crawling through her thinning hair, squirming madly in small holes in her arms and legs made by decomposition. Tiny, plump white grubs voraciously filling their need for nourishment on the body of a once living thing. Beast Boy's eyes widened and he retched, collapsing to his knees and vomiting onto the weathered ground. Coughing at the burning sensation in his throat, he leaned over to avoid the sight of Joy's decaying corpse. His breath came in shallow gasps.

"Are you OK?" came a voice from off to the side. Beast Boy slowly raised himself up into a sitting position and turned his head. Sitting in the dirt a few yards away, a violet-haired girl in an emerald cloak stared at him straight-on as though challenging him with her eyes. Another version of Raven. Brave…if memory served him. She was sitting cross-legged in the dirt with no sign of discomfort at the soil against the bare skin of her legs. Cradled in her lap was another Emotion…this one wearing a pale off-white cloak the color of a dove's soft feathers. She was looking up at Beast Boy through half-closed eyes, obviously very weak and listless.

"Yeah…I'm OK," he said, climbing shakily to his feet and testing his legs to make sure they still held his weight. "What…what happened to _her_?" pointed in Joy's direction, afraid to see the corpse again. The stench was still overwhelming, penetrating his very soul like a florescent light bulb. He resisted the urge to gag again.

"She died," Brave said, plain and simple, stating it like a weatherman announces a partly-cloudy day tomorrow. So simple, so fixed, so accepting of the words that came from her mouth as though she had uttered them countless times before.

"That's kind of obvious," Beast Boy said. He was afraid to ask anything further. The girl Brave was holding gave a soft moan. "Um…is she OK?" he gestured toward the cream-cloaked girl in Brave's lap, who looked at the verge of death. Brave didn't look exactly healthy either…she had a touch of weakness to her, but was obviously holding herself normally with quite a bit of effort.

"Yeah, Hope should be OK. She's getting better…just needs a little boost," Brave said, giving Beast Boy a look.

"What?" he asked suspiciously.

"…a boost like maybe you starting to act like I'm worth your time," Brave said, squinting at him. "I love you, and I deserve to have you treat me at least decently. I would do anything for you. Give me some credit." it took guts to come out and say these things, and for this Beast Boy couldn't help but admire Brave. She was certainly being true to her name. Beast Boy lowered his eyes from her face in shame. He knew she was speaking as Raven here. She was just another one of Raven's sides. This was Raven. This was how Raven felt to some degree.

"I know…I've been horrible," he admitted softly. He was aware that this was a lot like apologizing to Raven, which made him feel strange.

"Damn right you have," Brave said, though she was smiling. "You'd better get your act together, or I'll have to get medieval on your ass!"

"OK, OK," Beast Boy told her, pretending to be afraid. He shook his head amusedly. "You are one tough bitch, aren't you?"

Brave nodded. "You know it."

"I'd love to stay and chat, but I need to get away from…that…" Beast Boy said, pointing blindly in the general direction of Joy.

Brave nodded. "OK, then. I'll be here…just in case Joy wakes up."

"See you, then," Beast Boy said, walking past her. His pace was brisk as he struggled to put as much distance between himself and the corpse as he could. He had been walking for several minutes when suddenly something shot up seemingly out of the ground directly in his path. Beast Boy gave a shout of surprise and toppled backward, landing on his back and kicking up a cloud of dirt. Choking on the dust, he sat up quickly to see what had tripped him. Kneeling on the ground before him was what was obviously another Emotion, but it was unlike any side of Raven that he has seen.

This girl was no identified from the others by her cloak, for she wore no cloak. When she did wear was remains of her black leotard, ripped away to leave her almost naked save for two parts which served to cover anything explicit. The violet hair on her head was matted, messy tufts of hair sticking up at odd angles as though it had been crumpled repeatedly by its owner in frustration. On the pale, exposed skin of her body, innumerable cuts marred the smooth flesh. Thin, angry red lines biting at the beauty of the flawless skin. Some cuts were short, and others stretched as long as six inches. Between the cuts, the skin was marked faintly by scars of varying age. Newer ones were a soft pink, older ones glowed a stark snow white. And the finishing touch to the whole masochistic masterpiece was the word '**BITCH**' carved deeply into the flesh of her stomach, only recently scabbed over. The letters were jagged, lines of flesh angrily carved away in desperation to take away the pain. The girl's thighs were smeared with blood from having them pressed against her stomach when the wound was still bleeding, as well as her arms and hands. She was not looking at him. Her hands covered her face and she was shaking.

Eyes wide, heart hammering with shock, Beast Boy crawled across the ground and stopped just before her. He stared at the cuts covering her arms, legs, stomach, shoulders, neck and every other visible part of her body in horror. "Hello?" he asked her. "Are you…OK?"

The girl didn't answer him. She did, however look up at him. Her pale face was covered his cuts as well. The word **WHORE **was scratched into her forehead, not deep, just thin scratches. There were other words scratched into her face as well, **SLUT**, **COLDHEARTED**, **MONSTER**, **WORTHLESS**. And the list went on. The whole face was a collage of self-demeaning words.

"Who are you?" he asked in terrified, almost disgusted awe. The girl gave a particularly hard shiver.

"I'm Raven," she answered plainly, simply.

"Yeah, I know but…which Raven are you?" Beast Boy asked.

"Oh, I forgot! I'm too insignificant to be Real. I'm pathetic enough to have to be an Emotion, locked away inside this prison!" the girl wailed, and then dropped her eyes to the ground. Beast Boy reached out a hand and placed it on her thin, sliced up shoulder. Her eyes went back to his face, widening in fear. She wrenched herself away from him.

"No! Don't touch me! I don't deserve to have you touch me!" the girl moaned. Beast Boy's hand leaped from her shoulder as though he had been bitten. The girl quickly sunk into the ground and Beast Boy was left staring at thin air.

"That's Self-Loathing. She has issues," came a voice from behind the girl. Beast Boy looked up to see three more Ravens. One had a black cloak and miserable eyes. The other had a pale blue cloak and her skin was a healthy pale peach rather than a grayish white. She seemed to be glowing. And the third was familiar to him…a scarlet cloak and four menacing crimson eyes that watched him from under that hood.

The black-cloaked Emotion stepped forward first. She knelt before Beast Boy and threw her arms around his neck. Shocked, Beast Boy could do nothing but sit there. "I'm so sorry!" she wept softly. "I'm sorry I hurt you! I'm sorry for everything! This is all my fault! I'm so sorry!"

"Um…" Beast Boy muttered, patting her on the head awkwardly. Rage gave a slight quiver.

"That's Guilt," explained the blue-cloaked Emotion happily. "And this is Rage," pointing to the red-cloaked Emotion. "And I'm Love." Rage quivered again.

Beast Boy nodded, somewhat startled by the sudden appearance of the three. Guilt pried herself off of Beast Boy and stepped back, looking ashamed. Beast Boy sat on the ground, unable to grasp what was going on. And then Love flopped down into the dirt with him and shocked him out of his conscious mind when she leaned over and kissed him on the lips. His eyes widened and he stammered several times but could not force any coherent words out. Off to the left, Rage, who had been standing quite placidly the whole time, gave another ominous quiver.

"I love you!" Love said loudly, seeming to lose her mind for a moment. "I love you so much! I know I have no right to love you after what I did but…I love you!"

Beast Boy only stared at her silently, unable to speak. This was just getting to be too much. He ran a hand over his temple, willing himself to stay calm and not start yelling. He could see the exit, the large door shaped strangely like Raven's hair, not so far away. If he just made a break for it right now…

And suddenly Rage moved. It was only seconds before she was before him, grabbing him by the front of her shirt and lifting him up so he was level with her.

"Why won't you forgive me?" she roared. Beast Boy started to shake violently. "I said I was sorry! I said I was sorry but it wasn't fucking good enough! What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you just forgive me? I would give you anything! But it's never good enough for you, you little bastard! Just because I'm not some blonde Benedict Arnold who throws pebbles doesn't mean I'm not worth your damn consideration you stupid prick!"

"Rage, that's enough!" Love said loudly from behind them. Rage shot her a look of pure poison. "Why? Because I'm not sugar-coating my opinions like you pussies do? He's being an asshole, and it's time he heard it straight from the person he's been hurting!" she shook Beast Boy violently like a rag doll.

"Control yourself!" Love snapped. Rage stopped and stared at Love for a moment, then glared at her and dropped Beast Boy without a word, sinking into the ground and out of sight with a mutter of something unpleasant-sounding under her breath.

"Rage left!" Guilt said, eyes moistening with tears. "It's my fault, isn't it?" and she burst into tears, sinking into the ground to retreat to some other unknown part of the world inside Raven's mind as the two other Emotions had before her.

"Guilt, come back! We love you!" Love said, sinking in after her.

When they were gone, Beast Boy used the opportunity to flee off toward the exit. These crazy Emotions were starting to almost scare him, and he wanted out. It was scary. _Raven _was scary. He just wanted out of there, and he wanted out now. He was almost to the door to freedom when a sound made him freeze. He stopped in his tracks, looking around. The sound had been a soft whimper. A few feet away from him to the left stood a girl with violet hair and a pale gray cloak wrapped around her shoulders. She was staring at Beast Boy through large, heartbroken violet eyes. When she saw him looking at her, the eyes grew even wider.

"Please don't hurt me," she whimpered.

Beast Boy walked over to her slowly, hands held up as though to prove himself harmless. "Whoa, easy…Timid, right?" he asked as he approached her. She nodded. "I'm not going to hurt you, I promise."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"For what?"

"For making you hate me," Timid said, eyes watering slightly.

Beast Boy's mouth dropped open. "I don't…hey, I don't hate you," he said.

"You…you don't?" Timid asked him, eyes filling with a faint glimmer of hope.

"Of course not," Beast Boy said softly, lifting a hand nervously and placing it on the girl's pale cheek. "I was a little bit…mad at you but I never, ever hated you. I can't believe you thought-"

"You yelled at me and said you…didn't want to love me anymore," Timid said quietly.

"I was angry. And I didn't want to love you because it hurt. But it's different now," Beast Boy said. And he leaned over slowly and kissed her cheek. "I'm sorry."

Timid gave a tiny, faint shadow of a smile, and Beast Boy smiled back. "Look, I've really got to get back home now, but I'll see you later," he said. Timid nodded shyly, and Beast Boy turned after giving her a pat on the shoulder and walked toward the door, wishing that apologizing to the real Raven were that easy.

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**More soon!**


	50. Tea For Two

**Disclaimer: Still don't own anything. **

**Chapter fifty! Hoo-ah! You have raspberry lemonade to thank for me getting it written. **

**Note to AGENT S: I don't mind at all! In fact, I feel honored! So glad you like the site! Feel free to keep the link there. (:**

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Raven's transition from sleep to awake was a smooth, inconspicuous one. For a moment, she wasn't exactly sure if the ceiling high above her was part of her dream world or the real world, and then the disorientation of sleep drained away and she sat up.

Through the large windows that took up most of her far wall, she could see the sunrise. The bay was colored a bright, fiery orange by the sunrise, and the warm orange light bounced off and reflected into her room, filling the usual darkness with a soft, cheery glow. Raven shuddered at the strange transformation, staring at the light on her hands. Her skin didn't look like her own. It looked like Starfire's. It looked so alive…healthy…vibrant….set to life by the soft glow of the distant sunrise.

"Maybe he'd like me better if that was really me," Raven muttered, slipping out of bed. For once she was eager to get out of her room. It might have had something to do with the fact that she had a sudden, strong urge for a cup of herbal tea. She hurried through the door and down the still-dark hallway, which was untouched by the morning light and still smelled like nighttime. Her trek was quick, and it took almost no time at all to reach the large double doors that led into the living room.

This room too was filled with the strange orange glow. It had been a while since Raven had seen an orange sunrise. She moved across the room and into the adjoined kitchen, eager to get her tea, but when she walked into the small alcove she realized that she was not alone. Standing near the stove was the short, unmistakable form of Beast Boy. He didn't look surprised to see her, and he was holding a steaming mug.

"Hi," he said shyly, looking at the mug in his hands rather than at her face.

"Hi," Raven answered, a familiar warm bubble rising in her chest at the fact that he was speaking to her. Beast Boy stood silently for a moment, looking like he was trying to solve a huge dilemma in his mind.

"I…made you some tea," he said finally, softly, holding the mug out to her like an offering. Raven's eyes widened slightly and her cheeks warmed with delight.

"You…you did?" she asked, taking the cup from him and squeezing its warm weight against her palms. Beast Boy nodded, seeming a bit more sure of himself. Raven blushed. "Thank you," she said softly, a warm, tingly feeling filling her chest and stomach as she gave him a shy smile.

"No problem," Beast Boy said, looking at his feet. "Do you…want to sit down?"

Raven nodded and moved over to the table, sliding into the booth-style seat. Beast Boy took a seat too, though not too close to suggest anything further than awkward conversation. There was a long silence. Raven raised her tea tentatively to her lips and took a sip. A medley of tastes flowed over her tongue. Chamomile, peppermint, Echinacea, and just the right balance of sugar and herbs to keep it from being too sweet. She smiled. Beast Boy knew her all too well. He had gotten it perfect.

"This was really nice of you," she said softly. "It's wonderful."

Beast Boy smiled. "Any time." he said, and then he only allowed silence to reign for a moment this time before speaking once more. "Anyway…I just wanted to say…I'm sorry for being such an asshole to you. I was messed up and I…I'm just really sorry. It's not exactly the greatest apology in the world and…I know I don't really deserve to even be able to talk to you right now, but…I'm just…sorry."

Raven was touched so deeply that it took her a moment to respond…she just sat there soaking up the glory of an apology when she knew she was really the one who owed one. "It's OK," she replied carefully. "I don't blame you. You were under a lot of stress…I understand." now came the hard part. "And I wanted to apologize, too. For…for not thinking of your feelings and for being completely selfish. I was the one who was wrong here, and you were just reacting to it in the way that was natural for you." she waited for a moment, tense, terrified, wondering if even the mere thought of forgiveness from him was asking for too much.

Beast Boy considered her carefully for a moment, looking almost invasively into her eyes for a beat of silence. Raven could see the workings of a very careful decision going on behind those deep emerald eyes. It was as though his entire life was being decided by the careful musings that were happening behind the calm, placid face. "I forgive you," he said softly, slowly, but surely, still staring at her face, a tiny smile working its way over his cheeks.

Almost shocked, Raven stared at him blankly until a smile came over her lips. Relief poured over her entire body and filled her with warmth as though she were sinking into a steaming bath. "I'm glad." she paused. "Beast Boy?"

"Yes?" Beast Boy asked her. Raven took several breaths, preparing herself for the worst.

"I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go…on a date with me," Raven breathed. Beast Boy went beet red.

"Uh…sure," he said, feeling as though this was the first time anything had happened between them at all. It all seemed very cosmic, Raven actually asking someone on a date. Asking _him _on a date. "When?"

"Tonight? We could meet in the living room at…seven? We could go for pizza." Raven asked nervously, gripping her warm mug tightly in anxiety.

"Sounds good," Beast Boy said, shaking slightly. He stood up. "OK then, um…I'll see you at seven."

"Yeah," Raven said. Beast Boy gave her nod. "Seven," he repeated, giving her a slight smile and heading for the kitchen door. "See you then."

Raven watched him go, fully aware that a childish grin was coming over her face. Looking around to make sure no one was there to see her disgrace herself, she did a quick pirouette and gave a small squeak of pleasure. And then she slapped herself lightly and shook her head, heading off toward her room once more with the wonderful mug of tea clutched in her palms.

And somewhere within the hidden world of Raven's mind, in the places where decay and pain had once reigned supreme, a figure in a bright pink cloak danced along with her like an excited schoolgirl.

**XXX**

"Somebody's in a good mood," Dextra said. Raven opened her eyes and beamed with a vigorous nod. "Wow. What happened to put you on cloud nine there, cowboy?"

"I've got a date," Raven said, aware of how remarkably strange it sounded coming out her mouth. For as long as she could remember, those words had never passed her lips for any reason.

"That's great!" Dextra said, clapping her student jovially on the back. "Who with?"

"Beast Boy," Raven said, marveling at how wonderful it was to say his name.

"Alright! He forgave you?" Dextra asked. Raven nodded with an enormous grin that was not entirely normal to be seen on her face. "Hoo-ah!" Dextra gave a whoop of triumph and grabbed Raven's hand, lifting it into the air above their heads like Raven had won a wrestling match. "And the champion is…RAVEN!"

"Things aren't exactly back to normal, though. This is just a date…it's not like it's our wedding or anything."

"It might as well be!" Dextra exclaimed. Raven smiled and shook her head. "So, what are you wearing?" Dextra asked, giddy like a teenage girl in the presence of Brad Pitt.

"What? I was just going to wear this…" Raven said, realizing she had not thought of this before.

"Good idea," Dexra told her. "It's not something you should worry about. Stuff like that is just a pain in the ass. And you don't really seem like the kind of person who would need to worry about any of that stupid pre-date shit. He likes you already, so you've passed the 'trying to make him not hate me' phase."

Raven gave a sigh of relief. "I really don't know anything about any of this. I've never done this before. There's so much I never even thought of."

"Just be yourself. How hard can it be?" Dextra asked, stretching her arms. "You don't need to worry about anything. Just have fun. I can tell you're pretty much excited beyond all reason."

"With a little bit of nervousness thrown in," Raven agreed.

"It'll be fine. Just don't worry about it. Have fun," Dextra told her. Raven nodded. She realized that Dextra was the first thing lime a mother figure that had taken any role in her life since she'd left Azarath. She had not seen Arella much over the past few years, and it had been getting a little hard to remember what it felt like before. It gave her an almost painful feeling of nostalgia, which she shook off quickly.

"Well, come on. Let's get on with the training. We've still got an hour left of meditation to do. I'm not going to spend it squealing like an infatuated preteen," Raven said, crossing her legs once more and levitating a few inches off of the ground.

"That's my Raven," Dextra said with a chuckle, joining Raven in the stance. "Now, remember what we talked about? You've been taught to restrict your emotions, when in fact we need to do the opposite. Your emotions are going to help you gain better control if you embrace them and use them to your advantage as you meditate to center yourself better. You're happy right now. Let's use that to your advantage. Focus on your emotion and let it fill your senses, find your center, and…."

"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos…"

**XXX**

Beast Boy leaped onto the sofa and stood on the cushion, bending his arms and spinning them in circles as he rotated his hips, his little victory dance. "Oh yeah, oh yeah!" he chanted, raising his arms up over his head and shaking them around. "Hoo-yeah!"

"Somebody's in a good mood," came a voice from behind him. Beast Boy gave a squeak and shot up into the air, coming back down onto the sofa with a thud. He looked up from his upside-down position on the cushion and glared at Cyborg, who was laughing.

"Jeez Cy, you could at least warn a guy!" he said, sitting up and rubbing his head.

"Sorry. I couldn't resist. Why you jumping around like a crazed monkey anyway, BB?" Cyborg asked. Remembering the source of his joy, Beast Boy stood up again.

"Cy, Raven asked me on a date!" he said excitedly, launching himself at the robot. Cyborg caught him around the waist and set him down on his shoulder.

"That's great!" he said excitedly, holding his hand out for a high-five, which Beast Boy enthusiastically gave him. "Congratulations!"

"Thanks!" Beast Boy was positively glowing.

"So, you excited?" Cyborg asked.

"Of course I am!" Beast Boy whooped, hugging his friend around the neck. "It's gonna be awesome! She doesn't hate me! We are gonna have so much fun!"

"You bet you are!" Cy said, poking Beast Boy's nose. "You know, I think this calls for a celebration…"

"SUPER BRUNCH EXPLOSION!" the two of them screamed at the same time, scrambling over each other to get to the kitchen first.

**XXX**

Raven was trying not to allow herself to walk with a spring in her step as she left the training room and headed down the hall toward her bedroom. The dark hallway could have been a sunny meadow for all she knew. She felt so strange. Raven was usually strict with herself about feeling Joy, but today she couldn't seem to contain herself. Beast Boy had always done this. She had always had trouble restraining her emotions when she was around him, whether it was Joy or Rage…or Love. He made her want to…feel.

Raven's thought ended abruptly when something rather solid manifested itself from around a corner in the hallway that seemed to come up randomly, and Raven almost ran right into it. She gave a girlish squeak of shock and leaped backward, hands lifting in front of her and glowing with black energy in defense.

"Raven?" a voice asked, and Raven saw Starfire's face looking rather perplexed. "What is the matter? I have offended you?"

Slightly embarrassed, Raven lowered her hands as they returned back to their normal color. "No, Starfire…you just startled me," she explained. "I wasn't really paying attention and you just kind of came out of nowhere."

Starfire smiled. "I am joyous that you are not angry with me!" she said, clapping her hands together as though she had just accomplished a difficult task. "Tell me, where are you heading?"

"I was just going to my room…" Raven said, pointing over Starfire's shoulder.

"There will be time for that later! Cyborg and Beast Boy have elected to engage in the explosion of the super brunch!"

"And you want me to come with you." Raven stated, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes!"

Raven shrugged. "Alright," she said, surprising Starfire. "Let's go, then." she steered herself in the opposite direction of where she had been gong and Starfire followed her.

The two females walked silently side-by-side for a few moments.

"You are very happy today," Starfire said. Raven quickly pushed the involuntary smile that had been on her lips away and turned her head to face the Tamaranian.

"What makes you say that?" she asked.

"On Tamaran, our joy brings us the glorious gift of flight when we feel it. I believe I can feel you…flying on the inside. It is a feeling that is strong and not easily disguised. Tell me Raven, to what do we owe the pleasure of having you joyful?"

Raven allowed the smile to come over her face once more, deciding she didn't really care about it right now. "This morning…Beast Boy….apologized to me. And so I apologized to him. And he forgave me."

"Splendid!" Starfire said loudly, stopping in her walking to grip her friend in a vice-like hug. Raven didn't mind as much as usual, and allowed herself to be squeezed. "And so things are…better between you two?"

"We're going on a date."

Starfire gave a squeal of delight and squeezed Raven harder. "Glorious!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I suppose it is. Starfire…you're crushing my lungs."

"Oh. Raven, I am sorry," Starfire said apologetically.

"It's fine. Don't worry about it," Raven assured her as they began walking once more.

In the kitchen, Raven was not at all surprised by the sight that met her eyes. Robin was standing off to one side, looking happy and concerned for the wellbeing of the kitchen all at once. Beast Boy and Cyborg were in the process of making what looked like breakfast, but could have been anything else for all Raven knew because it was moving too fast to make out. The food was flying everywhere, from frying pans onto the table, from bowls and plates into frying pans, and from hands to random spots all over the room.

"I hate it when they get like this," Robin said with an amused shrug.

"Yo, Cy, watch where you're putting that sausage!" Beast Boy said loudly, grabbing a pan full of slightly burnt tofu eggs from the stove before they started smoking and flaming.

"Then you watch where you're putting your tofu! You got it in my bacon!" Cyborg replied.

"Well maybe if you weren't putting your bacon so close to my tofu, it wouldn't have happened!" Beast Boy said. It seemed like an argument, but both Titans were smiling as they spoke.

"Oh, excuse me! I'll put my bacon somewhere else, then!" Cy exclaimed, grabbing a strip of bacon from a plate on the table. He leaped over to Beast Boy and seized the collar of his shirt, pulling the stretchy uniform outward to make a gap between the skin and the clothing and shoved the strip of bacon down Beast Boy's uniform.

"EEEK!" Beast Boy squealed, flailing his arms around blindly. The mass of tofu eggs in the frying pan he was holding flew out and soared in a graceful arc across the kitchen. Cyborg watched it fly in horror as Beast Boy pulled the bacon out of his uniform and threw it at Cyborg's face.

The tofu eggs honed in on their target and hit straight-on like a heat-seeking missile. The lump of pale yellow food splattered onto Raven's face. Beast Boy turned at that very moment and stared straight at the Azarathian with tofu crumbling down off of her face.

"Oh shit," he muttered. "Raven, I am so sorry!"

Raven just looked at him for a moment. And then she lifted her hand and pulled a chunk of tofu eggs from her cloak. She stared at it, and then looked back up at Beast Boy. And then she smiled.

And then she started laughing.

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**More soon!**


	51. Everything

**Disclaimer: I don't own TT, but I do own your soul. **

**Chapter fifty-one! I did one illustration for this chapter http /www .deviantart. com/deviation/20191220/ Copy and paste, don't forget to take out the spaces! **

**Note to They-Call-Me-Orange: I want you to be my minion! I'm taking your offer with pride. **

**Note to DarkSideOfBlue: Yep, everything pivotal does seem to happen on the roof, doesn't it?**

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6:40

'_Did I come out too early? Twenty minutes…he's never exactly punctual. I just didn't want to miss him. He's not going to be out here for another half hour. Or what if he doesn't show at all? What if he decided he hates me after all? Or what if he was just trying to shut me up by saying yes? What if he's in his room laughing at me right now?' _

She glanced again at the clock on the far wall of the living room. 6:42. The thin black hand seemed to taunt her with its slow-motion. She gritted her teeth, crossing her arms and leaning against the back of the sofa for support.

'_What if he did mean it when he said yes but he changed his mind at the last second? Or what if he remembered the Cinderblock incident and he's afraid of me? Oh shit what if he's scared of me?' _she tucked a strand of hair nervously behind her ear and then pulled it back out again.

"Nervous?" came Cyborg's voice from the kitchen, where he was chopping vegetables for some homemade beef stew.

"What makes you say that?" Raven asked, putting on her normal monotone and pulling her hood up over her head.

"Well, for one, you keep rubbing your palms on your cloak to dry them off, and you keep looking at the clock, and you're pretty damn shaky from what I can see," Cyborg said. "And you just put your hood up when I asked about it."

"How do you know I'm not just shaky from low blood pressure?" Raven shot at him sarcastically, crossing her arms once more.

Cyborg chuckled. "Oh, don't worry about it, Rae. It's natural to be a little nervous. I remember my first date…" he said, giving a carrot a particularly vicious chop with his chef's knife.

"Who says it's my first date?" she challenged.

"Come on, you're not fooling old Cyborg," Cy said with a wink. He put on a proud fatherly smile. "Your first date. My little baby is growing up," he said.

"Shut up," Raven said with a hint of a smile, rolling her eyes. "And I won't have to hurt you."

**XXX**

6:49

'_Oh God.'_

6:50

'_What if something goes wrong?'_

6:51

'_What if she hates me by the end of this date?'_

6:52

'_Why is time moving so fast?'_

The fierce glowing red numbers of the bedside clock had pushed Beast Boy into an oblivion of anxious waiting for 7:00 about an hour ago, and he had been sitting here on the edge of his bed since, a captive to the ruby markings that shone almost blindingly from that taunting, mocking clock. At first, he had been yelling at the clock to go faster, and now it seemed as though it was racing out of control. He couldn't seem to get a second to think when he kept thinking about the breakneck speeds the numbers on the clock were moving. A device that had once been a friend had become a foe, pushing him forward far too quickly into a situation that he needed a moment or so to prepare for.

He looked down at himself. His uniform was his outfit of choice. Why bother dressing up, anyway? It wasn't like Raven really cared about that sort of thing.

6:55

"Five minutes," he muttered aloud. "I suppose she didn't literally mean 7:00. Guess I'd better go out there." he gave a nervous laugh to himself and headed for the door and into the hallway. He grew more and more nervous the farther he progressed down the hall, the same way one gets hotter when traveling closer to a fire. And now, Beast Boy could feel the heat of the 'flames' scorching his very flesh as he walked through the sliding doors and into the Titans Tower living room.

Raven was standing near the sofa, arms crossed, expression a mystery because her hood was up. Beast Boy made his way slowly over to her.

"Hi," he said shakily as he reached her.

"Hello," Raven said, giving him a small smile, relief taking over her at the fact that he had actually come. At the sight of that smile, Beast Boy could feel his anxiety drain away almost instantly and it was replaced with a warm, floating feeling. Raven pushed her hood down to reveal a surprisingly happy face. "Ready to get going?"

Beast Boy gave a slight nod and the two of them headed for the front door. Beast Boy could see Cyborg shooting him a thumbs-up from the kitchen. He gave him a smile before they left the Tower and walked out onto the island. The summer air was still warm, and the sun had not yet set. The island was still lit with the warm evening sunshine.

"So, pizza?" Beast Boy asked as they emerged into the warm air.

"If that's what you want to do," Raven offered.

"Um…sure," he said. "Uh…let's go then." The two of them set off, Beast Boy in eagle form and Raven flying along beside him. He regretted that they couldn't talk when he was an animal, because there were so many things he wanted to say to her. There were so many possibilities now. Anything was possible. He watched the waters of the bay sparkling beneath them, a huge patchwork of glitter made up of millions of tiny gems of light and color. Diamonds and sapphires and emeralds, and even the occasional ruby set off by the angle of the glowing sun.

It didn't take long before they were flying over rooftops and concrete in Jump City, and the large 'Pizza' sign came into view, as well as the balcony of the building that was shaped oddly like a slice of pepperoni pizza, with a pale orange triangular floor, a thin brown curve of roof along the wider end, and red umbrellas over the small round tables. Beast Boy followed Raven as she landed on the balcony, wondering how strange it must have looked to the other customers to see a girl and an eagle landing straight out of the sky. Back in his normal form, they selected a table near the railing and sat down.

"Ummmm," Beast Boy muttered. He grabbed a menu to conceal his awkwardness and pulled it up over his face. He peeked over the edge of the menu and saw Raven smiling at him, and he calmed down and dropped the menu.

"Thanks for agreeing to come," Raven said softly, eyes trained on her menu. Beast Boy thought this was a pretty strange thing to thank him for, but he kept it to himself.

"No problem. Why wouldn't I?" he asked.

Raven rubbed her thumb nervously along the side of her menu. "Well…for a while there…there was a time when I actually thought you…hated me," the last two words fell quietly and timidly, hovering in the air between the two like poison gas.

"Come on Raven, you know I never hated you," Beast Boy assured her. And then he realized that he couldn't think of anything else to say. In order to kill the awkward feeling in the air, he looked to his menu for support. "So…uh…what kind of pizza do you want?"

"I don't care," Raven said.

"Um…how about just cheese, then? Medium cheese pizza. That's kinda neutral, right?"

"Sure…sounds fine," Raven said.

"Dude, are you always this agreeable, or is this a new thing?" Beast Boy asked, raising an eyebrow.

Raven looked a bit hurt. "I just wanted this to go well…" she said, looking at the floor.

"Hey, I didn't mean…" he reached across the table and placed a hand on her shoulder. "I just meant that normally you don't agree with me and…oh God, I'm sorry."

Raven nodded. "I…don't worry about it."

"Did I hurt your feelings?"

"No." her tone was closed. Beast Boy strangled himself mentally.

"Raven, I'm really, really sorry," Beast Boy muttered, leaning across the table as best he could and hugging her tightly. She stiffened for a moment and then he could feel her melt into his embrace.

"Really, it's fine," she said, this time her voice a bit surer. "You didn't hurt my feelings. But thanks for the PDA anyway." her voice held a hint of its usual sarcasm on the last part, and he released her quickly. When he saw a slight smile tugging at her lips, he realized that it had been a joke.

"Oh my God, did Raven just crack a joke?" he asked, feigning shock, his eyes bulging.

"I'll crack more than just a joke if you don't watch it," Raven snapped, but she was smiling again. Beast Boy giggled.

"That was funny!" he said between giggles.

A meek-looking waitress in her mid twenties approached the table while Beast Boy was still laughing. She looked more than a little nervous to be serving a purple-haired girl in a leotard and a green boy with fangs. Her shoulder-length sandy hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she kept tucking loose strands of it behind her ears uneasily. Her smile was forced.

"What would you like to order?" she asked through her tightly clenched smile.

"Ch-cheese!" Beast Boy said through his giggles. "M-medium!"

The waitress quickly scribbled their order down on her notepad, took their orders for drinks, and made a mad dash for the kitchen.

**XXX**

"No way! Are you serious?" Beast Boy asked. Raven nodded. "Whoa!" he took another bite of pizza, chewed, swallowed, and mouthed 'whoa' again.

"Pretty crazy, huh?" Raven asked, taking the final drink of her soda and swirling the straw around in the ice at the bottom.

Beast Boy nodded. He paused. "You know, we've never really just had a conversation like this before," he pointed out.

"You're right. It's kind of…nice."

"Yeah, it is." Beast Boy's eyes fell on the pizza plate. "One slice left," he commented.

"Mhm," Raven said monotonously.

"Oh come on Raven, you know you want it," Beast Boy said, waggling his eyebrows at her.

"Oh yes, getting the last slice of pizza is my number one priority," Raven said sarcastically, rolling her eyes at him.

"You know you want it!" Beast Boy said enticingly, grabbing the slice of pizza and wagging it in front of her face.

"Seriously Beast Boy, you can have it," Raven assured him.

"I want you to have it," Beast Boy told her.

"You don't need to be all noble and selfless. Just eat the slice," Raven said.

"You just want to share it?" Beast Boy asked.

"If that's what you want to do," Raven said. Beast Boy grabbed a plastic butter knife that was lying on the table and proceeded to saw the slice into two equal parts.

The sun had gone down by now, and the balcony was lit only by the lights from inside the actual pizza place. Almost everyone else had gone home by now and they were more or less alone. The air was cooling off as they finished their pizza. Beast Boy stared at Raven as he tried to break strings of stretchy cheese from his pizza as he took a bite.

'_God, she's beautiful,' _he thought, longing to be nearer to her. Longing to hold her in his arms and never let her go again. There was a long pause as they finished. They split the check, a compromise because Raven had been threatening to strangle him if he didn't let her pay.

"Maybe we should get back home," Raven said, standing up.

"Um…yeah," Beast Boy agreed.

The moon was shimmering on the dark water on the way back to the Tower this time, larger, whiter gems than the ones left by the sun. It was an immeasurably beautiful night, which Beast Boy was glad for, because things wouldn't have been exactly as enjoyable if they were flying through the rain.

Both of them headed for the rooftop simultaneously, something neither of them could exactly explain. On the flat surface, both of them sat down near the edge.

"It's so beautiful," Beast Boy commented. Raven nodded. They sat there together like that for a moment. Silent, at peace. Beast Boy watched the way the moonlight made Raven's skin glow, and she secretly watched him as well. There was a pleasant pause, and then Raven stood up.

"Well…goodnight," she said. Beast Boy stood up also, looking a bit dumbfounded.

"That's…that's it?" he asked. Raven turned to face him.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"I mean…we have this amazing date, we get along great, and all you say is 'goodnight'?"

Raven just stared at him. "Well, what do you want me to say?" she asked. Beast Boy walked over to her so they were only a few feet apart, and looked her straight in the eye, very solemnly.

"It's simple," he said. "I want you to look me in the eye, and tell me how you feel."

Raven looked at him. "How…how I feel?" she asked.

"About me."

"Beast Boy-"

"It's not that hard. I just want to know how you feel about me."

"I don't know if I can…put it into words," she said. "I could say I love you, but that doesn't really seem strong enough for how I feel. I guess the only way to say it is…I…" she took a step forward and placed her hands on his shoulders, looking deep into his emerald green eyes, binding the two of them by their very souls for a moment. "You are everything."

The deep green eyes widened slightly. "E-everything?" he stammered.

"Yes," Raven said quietly. He was surprised when she pulled him against her and rested her head on his shoulder. "You are my life, my love, and the only thing that makes me sure that there's still some point in being alive. You are the one I've always loved and always will love. To me…you truly are everything."

Beast Boy drew back so that he could look her in the eye.

"Raven-" he managed to stammer, staring at her. "I…I…" he stopped. "You're my everything, too." he reached out and embraced her, and she hugged him back fiercely, nuzzling his neck with her forehead. One hand made desperate circles on his back as the other rubbed the back of his neck. Beast Boy lifted one hand and began to stroke her hair, the other staying wrapped around her waist. Raven was shaking with emotion, squeezing him tightly as she gave release to the pain that missing him for so long had burned deep into her soul. She slowly allowed the ache to drain away, and felt contentment flow into the empty spaces it had left inside. She felt him complete her, and she felt tears come, sweet in their release instead of bitter.

"Oh, Garfield," she whispered, and he could feel the wetness of her tears against his neck. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," he said gently into her hair, ignoring his surprise at her using his real name. "And I always will."

Raven drew back, her teary eyes gazing deep into his own loving ones. He gave her a smile, and then she swept him up in a kiss. Beast Boy smiled against her lips as he kissed her back, overwhelming joy taking over his body as he squeezed her even tighter. He was struck with a strong feeling that this was just how it was supposed to be. This was the way he wanted to rest of forever to be. This moment was happiness, this moment was all the things be had been missing.

This moment was everything.

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**More soon. Damn, I'm a sucker for sappy scenes like that. (;**


	52. My Lullaby

**Disclaimer: No!**

**Chapter fifty-two, fueled by Saltine crackers and Hello Kitty candy! Sorry about the wait for this. I've been reading a lot lately.**

**A gorgeous piece of fanart for chapter eight was done by wonderwart on deviantart. Hope you love it as much as I do (:. It's amazing! http/ www .deviantart. com/deviation/20622539/ (again, I needlessly remind you to take out the spaces (; )**

**I've been neglecting Star in this story lately, haven't I? Sorry! **

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Beast Boy wasn't exactly sure how long he spent motionless on the rooftop with his arms locked around Raven. It could have been moments and it could have been hours. But right now that didn't matter. The concept of time eluded him. He was aware of very little besides the soft, warm pressure of Raven against him and her arms draped absentmindedly around his shoulders, stroking the tiny hairs on the back of his neck with her fingertips. Beast Boy's arms were still looped around her waist, holding her tightly trying to reassure himself of how very real she was. Trying to convince himself that he wasn't going to wake up any moment and discover that this evening had been nothing but a dream.

Raven broke the kiss once more to look him in the eye, and he gave her an almost tearful smile. This was almost too good to be true.

"Are you alright?" Raven asked him quietly.

"Yeah I just…yeah," he replied with a smile. A rather strong breeze blew across the rooftop, and despite the nearing summer, a slight chill reached both of their bones at once as they gave a simultaneous shiver. "Deh, it's getting kinda chilly out here. Wanna go inside? We could hang out in my room or something."

Raven gave a silent, mysterious nod, turning and following him down the flight of stairs and into the warmth and comfort of Titans Tower. The warm air embraced them and Beast Boy gave a sigh of relief as they headed down the hallway toward his room. When they reached the door, he stepped inside and snapped the light on.

Settled on his bed a few moments later, the two of them were silent. Beast Boy coughed to fill the silence.

"Beast Boy I…I really am sorry," Raven said softly and apologetically. Beast Boy nodded.

"I know. And I forgive you," Beast Boy told her sincerely, reaching out a hand and placing it on her cheek. Raven closed her eyes and smiled, rubbing her cheek lightly against his hand. "I was wrong to be so angry at you even though you told me you were sorry and tried to make it right. I don't know why I acted like that. I'm the one who should be sorry."

"You were afraid it was going to happen again. You don't need to be sorry. It was the way you responded to the situation, and I can't blame you for that," Raven assured him. Beast Boy smiled at her and continued to stroke her cheek, drawing her closer to him. She rested her head on his shoulder as his hand traveled to her short violet hair, stroking it lovingly. "Beast Boy," she whispered, lifting her head and kissing his cheek with an intoxicating gentleness that took his breath away. "I love you."

"I love you too," Beast Boy told her, squeezing her tighter. "I always did, no matter what I said."

"I know," Raven whispered, looking for a moment into the deep emerald eyes. Beast Boy smiled and leaned back a bit to pull her into his lap. She gave a happy sigh and traced small circles on his back with her fingertips. Beast Boy smiled, almost glowing inside, and lay back on the soft bed, taking Raven with him. Raven lifted her head and placed several light kisses on his lips, and Beast Boy kissed her back, rubbing her shoulders gently. The kiss ended a few moments later and Raven kissed Beast Boy's forehead and then his cheek, wrapping her arms around her neck and hugging him, nuzzling his chest and neck as her hands stroked his hair. Beast Boy could not recall her ever being quite so affectionate but didn't show his surprise. She continued this for a few minutes and then rested her head against his chest, placing her hands on his shoulders. They were still for a while, listening to the sounds of the wind hitting the steel outer walls of the Tower and the soft, barely audible sound Cyborg tinkering with some unsatisfactory factor of the T-car the next room down.

"It's getting pretty late," Beast Boy noted, eyes darting to the illuminated crimson numbers on the bedside clock, which had hours earlier been foes but were now no more than casual bystanders. "Maybe we should get some sleep."

The light switch across the room was suddenly enshrouded with black energy and clicked downward, bathing the room in darkness.

"Well, that's one way to turn off the lights," Beast Boy chuckled as Raven's head went back to his chest and he put his arms around her, fingers absentmindedly stroking her back. "'Night."

Raven nodded against his chest in response and closed her eyes. Beast Boy reached down and pulled the blanket up over them. A few moments later, they were also covered by a blanket of comfortable, soothing silence. Raven gave a small hum of contentment and lay still, inhaling his familiar scent. And as the two of them dropped off to sleep, she focused on the blissful reality of the sound that had kept her sane for the last three months by remembering it; the constant, vital lullaby of Beast Boy's heartbeat.

**XXX**

Beast Boy slowly opened his eyes. Looking around, he realized that Raven was gone. But unlike the last time this had happened, he felt no sense of alarm. He was still filled with the deep, unfathomable contentment that had been with him yesterday. He deeply inhaled the scent of morning and sat up with a stretch, climbing out of bed and doing a dance around the room in his boxers. He whistled lightly to himself as he got dressed. He couldn't recall feeling this lighthearted for quite some time. As he ran his fingers absentmindedly through his hair to comb it, his stomach gave a piercing growl. Beast Boy shrugged, turning and heading out the door.

Entering the living room, Beast Boy was aware of the distinct scent of waffles…burnt waffles, anyway. Sighing, he wondered if Cyborg had accidentally put them in the toaster twice again. He walked into the kitchen, shaking his head.

"Cy, did you-" he began, but stopped when he saw a solid sheet of white cloak and the back of a violet-haired head standing in front of the toaster. Her hands were on her hips and she was shaking her head in frustration. "_Raven?_" Beast Boy asked in surprise, eyes widening slightly. She turned around and when she saw him she gave him what was probably the warmest smile she was capable of.

"Good morning!" she said in a very unnaturally giddy voice, walking over and hugging him tightly. Beast Boy was too taken aback to hug her in return. He just stood there, flabbergasted, as she squeezed him tightly for a moment and then released him.

"Um…good morning," Beast Boy replied, rubbing the back of his head. "You seem…happy today," he said, noting her snow-white cloak and leotard. Raven nodded, beaming at him, which he found only the slightest touch disturbing.

"I'm making you four some waffles," Raven told him with a dark look passing over her face. Smoke was coming out of the toaster behind her and a plate of black, crunchy-looking waffles sat on the counter beside it.

"I'm guessing it's not going so well?" Beast Boy asked, suppressing a chuckle. Raven shook her head.

"I should have known better than to even attempt cooking," she said, scowling at the toaster. "Seriously, I can't even make something in the _toaster _without it going wrong."

"Oh come on, I'm sure they taste fine-"

"Don't even try, cowboy," Raven said with a sigh, looking at the waffles with an expression of pure unbridled hatred. Beast Boy shrugged.

"OK. But you can at least give those to Star. _She'd _like 'em," he said helpfully.

"Yes. Because you need to be from a planet where they eat things you'd normally run from to enjoy my cooking," Raven said with a sigh. Beast Boy giggled. Raven smiled at him. "Er…Beast Boy?"

"Yeah?"

"I was just thinking…about this…about our…you know…our relationship…do you think we could start over?" Raven answered, slightly nervous.

Beast Boy grinned slightly. "So, are you asking me to be your boyfriend?" he asked, waggling his eyebrows at her.

"Yes. Officially," Raven said.

"Yes, I accept your offer," Beast Boy said in a British accent. Raven rolled her eyes.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," she said.

"Mornin' you two," came a voice from the doorway, and Beast Boy looked to see the other three Titans entering the kitchen. It was Cyborg who had spoken, and he was watching the pair of them with a large smile.

"Um…that smells…interesting," Robin said, scratching the back of his head and eyeing the plate of burnt waffles.

"It smells and looks glorious, Raven!" Starfire exclaimed, throwing an arm around the Azarathian's shoulders. "May I have some."

"They're all yours, Starfire," Raven told her, brightening slightly at the fact that someone wanted her cooking.

"Marvelous!" Starfire cheered, rushing over to the plate. "I shall consume them in the manner of a rofian zopgar!" she began devouring the waffles with amazing anime-style whoosh speed while the other four tried not to stare to much. "Delicious!" Starfire told Raven happily when she had finished an incredible fifteen seconds later.

"Thank you," Raven said softly. There was a pause.

"So, I am guessing that things are now….alright between you two?" Starfire asked, looking at Raven and Beast Boy.

"Yep!" Beast Boy said happily, throwing an arm around Raven.

"Yes. For a while there I didn't think we'd ever be able to fix it," Raven said, looking at the floor for a moment before looking back up at her friends.

"Maybe some things just aren't meant to stay broken," Cyborg said, grinning.

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**More soon. Yay! That chapter was pointless fluff. I smile. **


	53. May I Have This Dance?

**Disclaimer: No! It wasn't me! Don't shoot! Run from the plastic chasing doughnuts that eat through the flesh of my people. Many a passerby was slaughtered in the great Chicken Blaze of 1234 when manzinars roamed the deserted cobblestoned streets and Azarathian bullhounds ran rampant and untamed under the bloody moon. **

**Chapter fifty-three! Yay! This is a long chapter. **

**Note: A few people gave me suggestions for the story. Those of you who did, I really appreciate it, and please don't feel bad if I choose not to use your suggestions. They were all very good ones, but sometimes things just wouldn't fit with what I have planned. You all rock!**

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It had been nearly a month since the infamous date, and things in Titans Tower were slowly gravitating back to normal. Well, as normal as they ever had been before Raven left. A sort of sense of comfort that none of them had ever believed could be again had settled over their lives. For the first time since Beast Boy attempted suicide and Raven's departure and the long, grueling battle between the two of them that finally resulted in the resurrection of their love, the five of them were just the Teen Titans. They weren't the Teen Titans trying to help a suicidal teammate recover, they weren't the Teen Titans mourning the loss of a teammate, they weren't the Teen Titans weathering long battles of emotion that took place right inside their own walls. They were at long last five teenage superheroes and best friends, battling the forces of evil and fighting each other for little more serious than the last slice of pizza or a game controller. It was a cozy feeling about it, regaining what they had once had, going through normal days once again. What had once seemed boring to them had become something they savored. Something they were thankful for. Something almost special.

"Oh yeah! I _so _kicked your butt! In your face, ninja dude!" Beast Boy said triumphantly to the tv screen, leaping up to do his victory dance.

"As little point as you seeing in restraining yourself, it would still be nice for the rest of us," Raven remarked without looking up from the book she was reading.

"Aww, come on, Raven!" Beast Boy said, dropping his controller and scooting over next to her.

"Where are we going?" she asked sarcastically. Beast Boy giggled.

"Wanna play two-player with me?" he asked.

"As delightfully pointless as that sounds, I think I'll pass."

"You at least wanna hang out?"

"I'm reading."

Beast Boy scooted closer to her, giving her a pout with large, shining, tearful eyes. Raven didn't budge, so Beast Boy morphed into the form of a large-headed green kitten and gave her the 'the face', pawing over to her and rubbing his furry back against her stomach as he jumped onto her lap.

"Beast Boy-" she warned. Beast Boy nuzzled her abdomen with his furry face and peered up at her with large shining kitty eyes. Raven gave a submissive sigh and set her book off to the side, dropping a hand onto his back as he curled up in her lap, rubbing his soft fur. And then he morphed and Raven was left rubbing the back of her fanged boyfriend lying across her lap. Raven smiled and moved her hand to his head, stroking his soft emerald hair. "You know I can't resist you when you get cuddly," she said with a sigh. Beast Boy responded with a chuckle.

"I knew it," he said. Raven rolled her eyes but continued to stroke his hair. There was a pleasant pause. "Um…Raven?"

"Yes?"

"Do you want your mirror back? I can go get it-" Beast Boy began. But Raven shook her head.

"I want you to keep it," Raven told him. Beast Boy looked up at her, eyes widening as he realized the importance of the situation. That mirror was Raven's portal into her own mind. It was probably one of the most valued possessions she owned, and she wanted him to have it.

"Really?"

Raven nodded. "Yes. Really," she told him with a smile. Beast Boy realized what this was. This was her way of showing her complete and utter trust in him. Finally, after all this time of turmoil and pain and hopelessness, the feeling was back. Their relationship was once again a completely honest one built on nothing but pure trust and love, just as it had been before Raven had left. She was the only one who could show him all of these things simply by giving him single mirror.

"Awww, Raven…" Beast Boy said, grabbing her in a tight hug.

"Hello, friends," came Starfire's voice very suddenly from behind the couch. Both of them jumped, Beast Boy falling from Raven's lap and onto the floor with a thud.

"Do you need something, Starfire?" Raven asked, still a bit shaken.

"I would like you two to follow me, please," Starfire said, looking even giddier than usual.

"Um…OK," Beast Boy said, picking himself up off of the floor and following Starfire and Raven out of the room. They walked out into the hallway and around a corner, and suddenly the other two Titans loomed before them. Robin was gripping a video camera in his left hand and Cyborg was holding what looked like a circus costume. The costume was a sleeveless red leotard made of glittery material and embellished with rhinestones around the collar and a strip of gold material around the waist.

"What is this?" Raven asked, raising an eyebrow and looking at her four teammates suspiciously. Even Beast Boy had a knowing smirk on his face.

"You left the team, remember?" Robin asked.

"I-"

"And the rules clearly state that when a new member joins the team, they must be initiated," Cyborg said with a devilish grin. Raven went red in the face.

"You're not going to make me wear that-"

"Not only do you have to wear it, you have to wear it in a very public place," Beast Boy said, trying not to laugh.

"No. No way. I am not going to wear that. There is no way in the world you can make me wear that," Raven said, a look of terror creeping into her eyes. She backed up against the wall.

"We can, and we will," Starfire said with a slightly maniacal smile.

"But-"

"No buts, Raven. Should have thought about the consequences before you left," Robin said with a wink.

Raven gave a small moan of frustration. "But I-"

"You know the rules, Rae," Cyborg said with a wink, holding the costume out to the Azarathian. She gave a loud sigh and took the leotard from him, holding it out at arm's length as though it were poisonous.

"You four owe me. Big time," she said, heading for her room to change.

**XXX**

"Wow. Two of my favorite things. Parties, and looking like an idiot. I must be the luckiest girl in the world," Raven said with sarcasm dripping from every syllable. She looked distastefully around at their present surroundings. They were in a rather familiar warehouse which had hosted parties that Raven had miraculously been bullied by the other Titans into attending as well. It was starting to become a well-known place for her. It was always the same. The relative darkness save for the colored lights thrashing wildly through the air, the pounding beat of music that she didn't really care for, the stacks of discarded crates along the far walls, and the large crowd of people spread out across the entire vicinity "dancing" (which looked to Raven more like idiots throwing their bodies and limbs violently in separate directions in desperate, seemingly drug-induced paroxysms).

"Oh come on, you look downright snazzy," Cyborg said, slapping Beast Boy on the back, and the two boys laughed as though they shared some old secret that Raven always failed to comprehend.

"Yeah, and you sparkle!" Beast Boy said, throwing an arm cheerfully around the Azarathian's shoulders, flashing her a fang-filled smile. "Come on, who doesn't love a girl who sparkles?"

"I don't," Raven said. She was pretending to be very cross, but she couldn't keep the lightest trace of a smile from her lips.

"Hey, she's smiling during her initiation! Is that really you, Rae?" Beast Boy asked, tapping her on the side of the head as though trying to probe into her brain.

"Raven has been taken over by the Seahorse People of Drinthax 7!" Starfire gasped, giggling at her own joke as the others gave her strange looks. No matter how much time went by, no matter how well they got to know the alien, there were always some things Starfire said that none of them would ever even begin to try to make sense of.

"Well, we're at a party. Why are we all just standing around? Come on you guys, make with the partying! I'm dying here," Cyborg said with a wink, proceeding to drag Starfire, Beast Boy, and Robin over toward a crowd of people dancing, and Raven was ecstatic that he wasn't expecting her to join them. She was glad she and Cyborg understood each other's terms. Beast Boy pulled his arm back.

"Uh….thanks Cy, but I think I'm going to stay with Rae," he said. Raven brightened visibly.

"OK, suit yourself. You two lovebirds have fun, okay?" Cyborg said good-naturedly, heading off with the other two.

"So, you'd seriously prefer standing here and being bored with a dull person like me?" Raven asked Beast Boy after the other three had departed, raising an eyebrow slightly at him.

"Of course," Beast Boy said. Raven raised her eyebrow again, not buying it.

"Come on, you'd much rather be out there having 'fun' with the rest of our friends," she told him, crossing her arms. "I'm no fun. I don't dance, I don't do 'parties', and you're going to be bored as hell here with me."

"But I love you," Beast Boy reminded her, slipping an arm around her waist. "And you know there's nobody I'd rather be with right now."

Raven allowed a smile and a pleasant blush to creep over her face at this. The two of them stood there in silence for a while, Raven allowing herself to delight in the feeling of devotion she could feel coming from the changeling beside her. And she had a strong feeling for some reason that this was life. This was it. This was the way things would always be alright for her, as long as he was here to hold her, she would always be okay. She knew it was nothing more than a fantasy that things were always going to be as perfect as they were at that moment, but she let herself believe it for just the time being, because she felt far too good to let something like reality interfere.

Slowly, subtly, almost without their noticing, the music changed. The fast, pounding, grating pop beat was replaced by a slower, more delicate tune, flowing, soothing. Neither of them acknowledged it for a moment.

"You…want to dance?" Beast Boy asked cautiously, stepping back a bit from her so he could peer a few inches upward into the amethyst eyes that were now watching him guardedly.

"I don't dance," Raven explained laconically.

"Aww come on, it could be fun," Beast Boy said. "Have you ever even tried it before?" the look Raven shot him without meaning to told him quite plainly that she hadn't. "So let's give it a try. You might even like it. What could it hurt?" he asked, his emerald eyes glinting playfully at her.

Raven muttered something about 'my dignity' but nodded. "Alright, why not," she said. Beast Boy grinned and stepped forward slightly, placing his hands gently on her waist, which Raven responded to by hesitantly resting hers on his shoulders. They began to sway slightly, not exactly in time to the music. A bit off, but Raven didn't pay much attention to the music either way. Neither of them spoke. They just swayed in silence for a few minutes. Beast Boy drew her closer, pulling her against him. The angles of his body melted into hers, seeming to fit perfectly. Her arms snaked around his neck, fingertips resting on the back. She pushed her forehead against his neck in attempt to get closer to him. He continued to rock her gently, melting farther and farther into him.

"This is…nice," she managed to whisper, starting to get breathless from the pure nearness to him. Beast Boy nodded.

"And you didn't want to try," he mock scolded her. Raven gave a sigh and shook her head. Beast Boy leaned his head down and gave her earlobe a slight nibble.

"What was that for?" Raven asked, blushing, and laughing slightly in a flushed kind of way. Beast Boy giggled nervously as well. She tried to act irritated at first, but found that it was no use. She could tell that her eyes were sparkling, and she also found that rather than being irritated, she was actually slightly pleased. "It's OK, I didn't mind," Raven assured him, moving her hands to his chest and petting him a bit. Beast Boy gave her a swift kiss on the temple. "How many people here do you think would be scarred for life if I kissed you right now?" Raven asked him.

"Probably all of them," Beast Boy told her with what was probably a signature toothy grin. Raven lifted her head from his neck and tipped his head up slightly since he had always been several inches shorter than she, and pressed her lips into his audaciously. He kissed her back immediately. She wasn't one for public displays of affection….and sometimes she had trouble with displays of affection period, public or not. But it didn't seem to matter right now. Nothing did. Raven was barely aware of the other couples that must have been dancing around them. She was overwhelmed by her desire to get closer to him, and pulled him further against her, pressing her body against his. She was dimly aware of the fact that they were no longer dancing at all and were now standing still, more or less attempting to make a meal of each other's back molars. Raven clutched a handful of what she found to be sweaty material of his uniform over his chest in a fist. A dull hum in her lower abdomen urged her onward. She was finding it harder and harder to keep herself from just completely and totally losing control right then and there.

Beast Boy broke the kiss and kissed her neck, making Raven clutch him even tighter. Her breath was getting shallow.

"Beast Boy, I think we need to get back to the Tower," Raven told him.

"Uh…ok….I guess we'll have to find the others and-"

"I mean just you and me," Raven said in a seductive sort of voice that surprised even herself, pulling back and looking him in the eye. "Want to go?"

"Okay," Beast Boy said. "Shouldn't we tell the other three so they don't worry?"

Honestly, Raven thought they would worry a lot more if they _did _tell them that they were going. "We've got our communicators if they need us," she assured him gently.

Beast Boy nodded. "Okay," he said with a nod, and the two of them headed for the exit.

**XXX**

The Tower seemed strangely empty. The two of them entered and looked around the deserted living room.

"Wow…it's pretty quiet without everybody here," Beast Boy said, rubbing the back of his neck. Now that they were actually here, they were both a lot more awkward than they had been when not faced with nothing but each other.

"Yes," Raven agreed. She looked over at him. He gave her a grin, and she could feel her discomfort melt immediately with the power of that incredible smile. "Do you want to go to my room?" she asked.

Beast Boy paused, looking a bit unsure of himself. "Sure," he said finally, and the two began the journey down the halls and into the shadowy, dimly lit room which had scared the life out of Beast Boy up until only a few months ago. After the sliding door had skated shut behind them, Raven sat down on the bed and Beast Boy flopped down beside her. There was a pregnant pause. Both of them were uncomfortable once more. "Um…Raven?"

"Yes?"

"You do realize that I still don't think we're ready to have sex, right? And that it isn't going to happen tonight?" he asked, firm but kind.

"Of course," Raven said obediently with a swift nod. "It's just like last time. I'm not trying to get you in my pants. I just want to get closer to you again."

Beast Boy smiled mischievously. "Think we can get a little bit closer this time?" he asked.

Raven gave him a sly smile. "What did you have in mind?" she asked, though she had a pretty good idea already.

"Oh, you'll see," Beast Boy said, sending delightful shivers up her spine. Raven looked into those fathomless emerald eyes and saw the love coming through clearly and surely, and in his eyes, in the two tiny reflections of her own smiling face, she saw the same emotion mirrored through her own eyes. As she smiled at him, she thought of how things had turned out. When she had met Beast Boy, he had been the last person she would have ever dreamed of falling in love with, but here she was, madly in love with him, ready to leave her heart at his mercy and trust him completely with all of her soul until the day that she died, no matter what might happen between them.

Beast Boy surprised her pleasantly by suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, pulling her into his lap and attacking her with a passionate, breath-stopping kiss. She giggled (even she hadn't known she was capable of giggling) into his mouth and returned the kiss, fingers running through his soft emerald hair. The kiss was intense, lusciously passionate, almost severe. Raven brushed her tongue teasingly against his and then pulled it back, causing him to kiss her even more passionately. He had never kissed her like this before. He had never really had the chance. It had never been quite like this, all alone in the Tower, with nothing in the world to think about but each other, without the fear of interruption, without the barrier of inhibitions.

The kiss had to break eventually, and when it did, after they caught their breath, Raven attacked him right back, knocking him backward onto the sheets and straddling him, swooping down with another kiss that nearly drove her out of her mind and lasted even longer than the first, Beast Boy's hands resting tenderly on her hips as hers held his head gently. It appeared that neither of them could breathe very well afterward, but such an obstacle could not get in the way. As they both sat up, Raven found herself struggling out of the horrid red glittering garment she had been cursed with for the evening and tossing it aside with a burst of black psychic energy. Now in her bra and underwear, she unclasped Beast Boy's belt, slowly, hands creeping nimbly over the clasp, and moved the belt aside as well. Then she gently pulled the gray gloves from his hands and discarded them as well. Beast Boy removed his own shirt, tossing it to the floor, and his bottoms and tights came next, thrown off to the side and discarded with the other shed clothing like old shed skin from a growing reptile's back until he was left in his boxers. Another kiss, blind, desperate hands reaching for as much of each other as they could get hold of, the warmth of newly exposed skin brushing here and there and raising a hot, desperate bubble in Raven's throat. Pushing herself against him harder, stroking his shoulder blades in what was a mixture between loving tenderness and mad, desperate desire for every inch of his body and soul.

(a lemon-ish thing belongs here. If you would like to read it, see my profile for the link)

**XXX**

"You are looking quite cheerful this morning," Starfire commented as Raven dipped past her with five glasses of orange juice floating suspended in psychic energy before her outstretched hands.

"What do you mean, Starfire?" Raven asked in an uncharacteristically happy voice, setting the orange juice down on the table in front of Beast Boy, Robin, and the other three empty seats. She had volunteered to help Starfire and Cyborg make breakfast, a gesture that, despite the fact that it had happened before, still surprised her friends.

"She means you're prancing around like merry sunshine this morning," Cyborg said, resting his spatula on his left shoulder as he turned to face the pale girl. "What's up, girl?"

"Oh nothing. I'm just in a good mood, that's all," Raven said cheerfully, transferring a plate of scrambled tofu eggs from the counter to the tabletop with a graceful wave of her hand. She was indeed in a good mood. It was in a way because of what had happened the night before, but it wasn't so much because it had happened. It was more because of Beast Boy's unbridled display of love while it was happening. He hadn't been acting like one overcome by lust or someone just not thinking because he was caught up in the moment. He had been, very obviously, someone who truly loved her with a depth that even she couldn't nearly begin to fathom, even with her being an empath. And that to her was worth more than all the treasure in the world.

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**More soon. **


	54. The Beginning

**Disclaimer: Gwar!**

**Chapter fifty-four! Enjoy! I want to give huge thanks to James and Dwayne, who helped me tremendously with chapter 53. A round of a applause for those two, people! (: **

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Sleep slowly turned to awareness and the clouded fog of dreaming cleared away. He could feel the pale rays of sunlight slanting over his face, he could feel the bite of Raven's belt digging into his thigh and the warmth of her hand resting limply on his chest. As he sat up, she stirred, her large violet eyes blinking open and staring up at him for a moment before sitting up too.

"Good morning," Raven said, stretching, giving him a smile. He nodded and grinned at her in reply as she slipped out of bed and retrieved her white cloak from Beast Boy's dresser, pulling it over her shoulders and clasping it delicately. Beast Boy followed her out of bed and pulled on his shoes, staring resolutely at the carpet for a moment as he made up his mind.

"Raven…I think today is the day," he said finally. He knew that she knew full well what he was talking about with this. She had been the one who had been trying to convince him that it was something that would help with closure.

Raven looked at him for a moment, considering. "Are you sure?" came her voice, gentle, understanding just as it always was.

"Yes." Nearly a month had gone by, and barely a day went by when he didn't think of how happy he was, and who was responsible for he and Raven's happiness. He had been trying to gather the courage to do one thing for nearly a year now, ever since the events of that fateful day in the blood-spattered snow, and up until today he had been afraid. He had been far too weak. But he could feel something different about this day. Something inside of him had finally strengthened. Something finally screamed inside of his head that it was time. "Will you come with me?"

Raven looked into his eyes for a moment, and like so many times before, their deep, almost eerie connection became evident. They had always had this bond, Raven had noticed it from the very beginning, and now Beast Boy knew it too. "Of course I will," she said softly, giving his hand a squeeze. "If you're sure that you're ready."

Beast Boy gave Raven a smile. "OK. We can go later today….maybe in the evening. That was always her favorite time of day."

**XXX**

Beast Boy clutched the stems of the roses tightly, and he could feel the thorns digging into his hands, though not piercing the skin because of the protection of his gloves, a shield between him and the harsh pain of reality….exactly like the one he had been putting up by not coming here before by pretending none of it had happened. But it had, and now it was time for him to face it.

Raven was close by his side as they moved through the eerily perfect emerald carpet of immaculately kept grass. The sun shone brightly down on them like a white-hot jewel, making the somber place look almost inappropriately cheerful. They passed rows and rows of cold, shiny, unforgiving stone, all the same save for the occasionally super-ornate slab sticking high up from the grass like a lighthouse from the sea. The place was frighteningly smooth besides the glossy stones and the occasional small tree.

Rows upon rows passed, countless rows, until the rows began too blur together and he couldn't tell where one ended and the next began. He could feel Raven's hand clasp gently around his free one and he calmed down. He thought that maybe if they just kept walking, they would be journeying to the place forever, and they would never have to actually face the reality of seeing it.

It seemed like far too soon when Raven stopped walking. "We're here," she said softly. They were stopped about five feet in front of a stone slab that looked exactly like the others around it. He couldn't help but wonder how Raven could tell the difference when to him they had before been melting together to form one huge lump of stone that Terra could have ridden back to the Tower on, and they could all have eaten pizza and watched some nameless horror movie and then they would have all gone to bed and he would have had the comfort of knowing that everything was normal. But somehow he knew that wasn't going to happen.

Beast Boy gave Raven's hand a squeeze and then let go of it, stepping forward and walking over to the slab of stone. Raven let him go alone. Somehow she knew it was just what he needed. Beast Boy knelt before the rock and slowly stared deep into the impeccably chiseled words.

Tara Markov

1989-2004

There was no deep, honoring message on the stone. There was nothing further than the name and date, just like on all the other headstones. Before the stone there was the same cheap plastic flower holder set into the ground just like before all the others he could see. To maybe only five people in the entire world, this tiny monument meant something more than 'someone died'. It was something besides a grave concealing a nameless, faceless corpse among all the others. It meant the loss of a friend, a hero, and an irreplaceable part of their lives. This time Terra's absence was forever. This time she wasn't merely turned to stone. This time, the marvel of Raven's powers couldn't return her to a living, breathing state. This time she was gone, and the time to accept it could be eluded no longer.

Beast Boy placed a hand on the polished surface, staring into his own grim reflection in the stone. He and Raven had worn their usual uniforms. He knew Terra would have hated it if they showed up in mourning attire. She always hated mourning. She had always liked to make the best of things, and that was what he hoped to do now.

"Hey, Terra. It's me. It's been a while since you died, and I've been hoping all along that maybe somehow, someday, I'll wake up and you'll be in the kitchen with flour all over your face laughing with Cyborg about how much your pancakes suck. And then you'll hug me and we'll all just be friends forever and be happy. But I know now that it's just a fantasy. I know you're gone, and that part of our lives with you is over. But a very wise girl I know once said 'maybe there really are no endings. Just new beginnings.' And I know now that it's true. When you died, I thought It was the end. I thought it was over. But it wasn't the end. It was the beginning. It was the beginning of a new life where we're going to have to move on and learn to be happy with what we have.

"But don't think that means we're going to forget you, because we're not. I know that every time I skip a rock or see a butterfly or watch the sunrise on the bay, or even feel the wind on my face, I think of you. I know that you're there. You've always been there, and you always will be. You'll never be gone." he paused. "I know you hate those sad sappy moments, and so I'll just say what I came to say. I know that Raven and I both want to say thank you." he gave a backward glance at the Azarathian, who nodded. "So thank you. For everything. For showing me how to live when I couldn't, for showing me what you'd always known about Raven but I had never figured out, and for everything you gave us when you were alive. You're our friend, Terra, and we all miss you. I know that what you want is for us to be happy, and so that's what we'll do. We'll be happy. But we'll never forget you, Terra. There's always going to be a special place there in our hearts for you forever. I know we'll meet again someday, but until then, goodbye." he slowly placed the bouquet of roses in the plastic holder, and it felt very final for some reason. "Goodbye Terra, I'll always remember you."

And at that moment, he could have sworn he saw her face in what was really the blinding light of the sun as he looked up, a smiling face framed by blonde hair, smiling at him like she had never been gone at all, the crystal blue eyes sparkling like whenever he told a joke. For a moment she was there, she had never died, and life had righted itself. And then he realized that he was staring at only sunlight and she was gone, but somehow the world still seemed alright. Beast Boy slowly stood and walked over to Raven, whose white cloak and leotard seemed to give off light in the bright evening sun. When he reached her, he jumped on her with a tight, warm hug, and then stepped back, taking both of her hands in his.

"Terra isn't the only person I need to thank," he said.

"What do you mean?" Raven asked him.

"Thank you, Rae. For everything. I remember when I felt like life wasn't worth living anymore, and I had given up. But there you were. You saved my life. You were my angel. And then all the time after when I was so broken down and felt like nothing would be alright again, you were there. You never let me give up. And instead of telling me to suck it up and deal with it, you tried to understand. You don't need to say anything. I just wanted you to know. You saved me more times than you could ever imagine. You never gave up on me, you stayed right there beside me… and when I thought no one could, you saw the world through my eyes."

**XXX**

When we got home, Robin, Star, and Cy greeted us like we'd been gone for years, and I remembered what was the greatest part of being on the team. You always had people who cared about you, even if you were too depressed to realize it sometimes.

"Friends, where have you been?" Starfire asked, ushering us into the living room, where the smell of pizza was evident.

"Yeah. We were worried. You never told us you were even leaving," Robin said with a swift nod.

"Oh, we were just visiting an old friend," Raven said with a smile at me, and I could feel my heart melt and returned it.

"Well, I'm glad you came back when you did," Cyborg said, wrapping an arm around each of our shoulders. "Because you came just in time for….super movie madness!" he said happily, letting go of us and holding up a copy of 'Wicked Scary II' and waving a cybernetic hand toward the coffee table, which was piled high with pizza boxes.

"Alright Cy, awesome!" I said enthusiastically.

"Sounds nice," Raven said with a soft smile. That smile never failed to make my knees weak.

"Well alright, if it sounds good to everybody!" Cy said loudly. "Let's get started!"

The five of us settled down on the couch as the previews began to roll on the screen and the sun sank lower and lower outside the window, creating the perfect conditions for watching a horror movie. I snuggled in close to Raven and gave a sigh of contentment. I looked at her, snuggled up against him happily with her eyes on the screen. And then I looked to Robin and Starfire, always the adorable couple, nestled in each others arms and waiting for the movie to begin. And then I looked at Cyborg, who was alone romance-wise, but I really couldn't remember him ever being unhappy that way. Besides, life isn't always about finding love. Life is about living it to its fullest. It's about holding on for just one more moment when you felt like letting go. It's about the little moments that show that magic really does exist, and nothing is impossible if you believe enough. It isn't about wanting what you don't have, it's about loving what you do have, and cherishing every moment of it.

I knew that later tonight the movie would be over and we would all say goodnight and go to our separate rooms, and this magic feeling of togetherness would break and it would all feel normal. In the future there would be fights and problems and trials to face, moments that would nearly force us apart forever, but in the end we would keep hanging on, we would keep standing together, because we believed. All that mattered now was right then. This happiness that I felt and could feel encasing my very soul. These moments that could take my breath away almost as much as Raven's smile. Right now, it seemed like everything was right in the world, and this truly was the way that life was supposed to be.

I said myself that this was the beginning. And I can't wait to see where the rest of my story will take me before it reaches the end. But right then, all that mattered was this moment. This moment and all the other moments that could hold the five of us together when there seemed like there was no hope and no way to hold on. Because I know that we all have those moments, those silent, close moments. The ones that never really mean anything until later when we realize their significance. Those are the moments that can hold us together, those moments that can help us become whatever we are meant to be if we just keep believing for one more second that there truly can be something more. Those moments can take us anywhere, if we only allow ourselves to make the journey.

We just need to close our eyes, hold on tight to the ones that love us, and go forward, no matter what might be there. Because if we don't, we'll never know what could have been, and we'll never know if that moment we gave up could have been the one moment we truly started to live. That moment that could change us now, tomorrow, and for the rest of our lives. Forever.

**THE END**

**I want to thank you all for reading my constantly rambling story, and sticking with me until the end! You guys rock so hard! All of you! **

**If you or someone you know is having problems involving suicide, call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK to find help near you. **

**Rambling from the author: I'm planning a huge load of BBRae stuff and a couple of RobRae one-shots (don't hate me!). Thanks so much for sticking with me all this time. 54 'episodes', 100,000 words, and 10 months, and now it's finally done. I can celebrate now. This is the first multi-chapter TT story that I've ever finished. Yay! Over the past 10 months, I've been through some situations with my friends having certain problems, and so this story was really personal for me. It was fun to write, but I'm glad it's done. **

**Love you all,**

**Moonchild10 (: **


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